BATES #2
This girl has a very direct way of talking right to my fucking dick, and I have to force my brain back on topic to keep from showing her up close what she’s doing to me. I make the most of the cover provided by the table and get our conversation back on track.
“Are you telling me you tried to repair things with your dad last season? When you were working on your thesis and asked to come out here?”
“Seemed like a viable and efficient approach. Two birds, one stone. He didn’t see the benefit at the time.” She shrugs. “Like I said, sometimes people need convincing to spend time with me. Sometimes I have to show them it’ll be worth their while first.”
“Worth their—? Excuse me for a minute.” I get up from the table and walk outside to let the crisp morning air shock my lungs.
I’m feeling too much for this girl. She’s literally trying to buy her daddy’s love with gold, and I want to kick Hawk square in the balls right now for making her think that’s necessary.
I take a deep, burning-cold breath and head back inside.
“Sorry about that. I had a… thing.” I gesture vaguely at my chest. “I’m okay,” I assure her when her eyes become round and concerned.
“I hope we’re not done talking. I’d really like to understand how time with Hawk makes you feel, and how you’d like it to feel — and I also want to know about the rest of your family. If that’s okay?”
Lana nods slowly. “Will you tell me about yours too?”
“Of course. If you want to hear about it. But the awkward reality we’re caught up in means your story’s way more important right now.” I glance at my watch and gesture for her to continue.
“I’ll go quickly so it’s done before they show up,” she assures me before taking back the last gulp of her coffee.
“I didn’t mean to rush you.” I rub my head and exhale in a long, consistent way to calm myself. “I’m being impatient, aren’t I? We have all season.”
“It’s fine. Fast and dirty definitely has a place in my wheelhouse.”
She continues before I can comment on that, but her eyes flash at me with a certain something that makes it hard to keep her clothed in my imagination. The desire to strip her naked in real life rapidly intensifies, and I sit on my hands until the urge passes.
“In total, Dad has spent less than four years of my life getting to know me — and I lived with him for the first three and a half of those. I didn’t grow into the daughter he expected, and I disappoint him to a degree where I suspect he’s uncomfortable to learn more.
I’d like him to be proud of me, I guess.
Or just… have him enjoy my company and want me around.
He’s family, and I’d like to feel as if I belong somewhere.
If not here, then somewhere near here? Maybe. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain.”
My beard’s all scratchy, and my throat has grown so thick-feeling that I have to clear it before I respond. “I’m familiar with that sensation. You don’t need to explain it.”
Lana tilts her head as she studies my face, then she changes direction entirely.
“I’m my mom’s first daughter of five. She’s okay, but she’s quite busy, and although I’ve tried to ease her burdens, she wishes I was easier to live with and more normal — like the other four.
Dad claims I like my stepdad more than him, but really Clarence is just a man who loves my mom enough to tolerate me for longer periods.
We both understand very well that I’m not his daughter. ”
I lean back in my chair, hearing things similar to those I’ve lived through myself. “You have his last name.”
Lana gives me a tight smile. “I wanted to have something in common with my sisters to help us bond.”
“Did it work?”
“A little. We get on okay, but the Baker girls are all wired differently — and I don’t mean in my weir—” Lana cuts herself off before the D makes it weird.
She briefly smiles as she glances at me, and she rephrases.
“We have some common values, but there’s more that separates us than my quirks.
I get on with Martha and Harper way more easily.
My Hawkins sisters are more… me. When we get together, it’s like… ”
Her face gets all happy and dreamy.
“Magic?” I suggest.
She nods. “Yeah.”
“You spend much time with them?”
“Some. More than with Dad. But Martha’s got the mining season to contend with, I’ve had school, Harper’s just finishing her first year of college… It’s been a shambles no matter how I’ve tried to arrange it, but we do what we can. Family’s important.”
My head dips in agreement. “It is.”
“You say that as if you have serious thoughts about it.”
“I do.”
“Maybe it’s your turn to talk, then. You seem to have a decent idea of how a dad should behave. Do you have any kids, Bates?”
The question hits me like a rock truck loaded to the brim.
All the air seems to leave my body at once without me even releasing a breath.
In five months’ time, I was going to be a dad.
Now I’m not.
Just like that.
My baby’s gone.
A dream met with a sudden death.
The bubble bursts all over again, and I rub at my chest trying to ease an ache that’s too deep to soothe. I ground my feet and find a place to look that feels safe and solid before the shift inside me can throw me too far off balance.
“I don’t have any children,” I choke out.
I want to clear my throat, but the huge knot lodged in there won’t budge, forcing me to talk around it while I try to act like I’m okay with that statement.
“I like them, and I almost thought I was getting one for a second there, but… no. No kids. I had a kid brother once. And a few imposters after him that could be cute sometimes.”
I hang my head and groan. “I shouldn’t have called them imposters.
It slipped out, and I regret it. I should have said I had an awesome dad who taught me everything I would know about how to be one — two awesome dads, in a way.
And a couple of not so awesome ones who showed me how not to parent a child, so I’ve probably had more education on the subject than most, but I’m not one.
A parent, that is. I’m rambling. Sorry. I wasn’t expecting your question, and it kind of threw me. I need to regroup. Excuse me.”
“Bates.”
I shake my head and make for the exit as Hawk’s arriving.
“Hey, Kel.” He’s chipper as fuck until he realizes I’m heading straight for the door he’s blocking, then he steps to the side in a hurry. “Aw, hell. What’s going on? Lana, what did you do?”
I stall in my tracks, spin on my heel, and roar at him.
“She hasn’t done a fucking thing. Get her a coffee and put some fucking milk in it.”
For a moment, Hawk stares at me, stunned. “But—”
I leave and shut the door behind me, but he pulls it back open and follows me out.
“Kelly, wait. What’s this all about? I want to help you.”
“You can’t. I’m not a father, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”