Chapter 49
forty-nine
. . .
Ceci
The back room of the bookstore is loud with chatter and laughter as I move through the stacks for our monthly book club meeting. Every third Thursday is the highlight of my month because I get to spend it with my friends. My crazy, loud, fun, coupled-up friends.
And now I’m coupled up too. Still can’t believe how much has changed in the last two months.
Aidan’s on a ten-night, five city West Coast road trip. I’ve spent every night so far on his side of the mattress, breathing in his scent on the sheets of the bed we share. When he gets to his hotel room for the night, we’ll game together for a bit, just like old times.
He was right; being apart does draw us closer. It helps us recreate the circumstances in which we met, the way we grew so close and then fell in love.
Hailey and I took a rideshare together since she doesn’t drive and I hate doing it. Her ring sparkles in the harsh fluorescent lighting of the bookstore.
“How does it feel?” I ask her as I bring her a glass of orange juice and a lemon-blueberry scone. It’s a little hard to navigate snacks and drinks with a cane.
“How does what feel?”
“It’s the first big road trip since you got married. Does it feel different?”
The guys have gone away for two or three nights at a time, but nothing like a week and a half.
The blond cocks her head, considering. “Not really. I still miss him. Sometimes it’s nice when he goes away, though. It gives me a chance to miss him.”
“I think I finally understand that.”
I love Aidan, and I love spending time with him. But I also appreciate my space. In a way, it’s almost perfect that he travels so much. I get enough time to reset and recalibrate on his away games, and I’m ready to be my regularly charming self when he’s back.
Sadie, our fearless leader, calls the meeting to order. We go around the circle and introduce ourselves to the newcomers, sharing our name, our favorite tropes, and our current read.
From there, conversation turns to our topic of the evening: the revenge dating trope, yay or nay.
Bex and Audrey have extremely strong opinions about the theme, and Vanessa and Riley aren’t shy about making their opinions known either.
Johanna, Arielle, and Rachel sit back and talk between themselves as the conversation whips back and forth.
Usually, I’m jumping into the fray with the rest of them, but tonight I’m content to sit back and let them argue around me.
Is this personal growth?
Nah. Sounds fake.
My entire body is alight with a buzz, and it has nothing to do with the gin and tonic I’m sipping. It almost feels like… contentment. It’s such a foreign concept, and at the same time, it’s as familiar as breathing.
The life I’m living now is unrecognizable from the life I lived six weeks ago. My friends are still amazing, but our friendships are deeper. I’m not sitting here quietly envious of what they have. I’m not resentful of the partners pulling them away from me.
I didn’t understand before. Now I do.
The simple joy of having someone to come home to. Of having someone to rely on. Who will be there for you through thick and thin.
A true partner.
Not having to navigate this life alone.
I didn’t realize how fucking lonely I was. Sure, my friends are great. Working with Colt, Hailey, Bex… it didn’t fulfill me, but I didn’t feel the absence.
And now that I remember what it’s like to be personally fulfilled, I can’t rationalize how I went so long without it.
But I’m still not happy at work. Heidi makes my job miserable, even if I wasn’t already bored by the work itself. I need something interesting, a challenge that makes me want to work.
I just don’t know what to do about it.
Even though I engage with my friends and act normal, I’m still thinking it over on the way home from book club. Aidan and I have a date at two o’clock, when he gets into his hotel room.
He has a console in the living room, but I use the one in the bedroom tonight. I curl up on his side of the bed, drawing the throw blanket across my shoulders and breathing in his scent.
The line connects, and the screen flickers with his image.
He looks tired. His blue eyes have bags beneath them, and exhaustion creases his features. Still, he’s smiling. He’s traded the suit for a soft-looking T-shirt, and his hair is fluffy like he’s been running his hands through it.
“Hey, you,” I say with a grin.
Like him, I’m dressed for bed in one of his T-shirts, my glasses, and nothing else.
“Hey.”
The single syllable conveys plenty.
“How was the game?”
I already know they won and he scored a goal. But I want to know how it went. Did he feel like he played well? Is his body sore? How did the team as a whole do?
“It went well. We’re in a good place for San Jose tomorrow.”
“I’ll be watching,” I promise.
“How was book club?”
“It was… fine.”
His eyebrows dart up into his hairline. “Just fine? What’s wrong?”
“My friends are fine. They’re great.”
“But…”
“But I’m still not loving this helmet project. I’m so fucking bored, I dread going into the office everyday.”
“Do you have to work?”
He’s not asking about money. Not when I already have enough to keep both of us very comfortable for the rest of our lives, and then some.
I purse my lips. “When I sold my company, I had other stuff to keep me busy. And even still, I fell back into working. Yeah, I think I need to keep working.”
“Do you want to start a new project? What about that thing you were working on the other night?”
“It’s got potential,” I admit. “And Colt’s been asking me to take on a bigger role on his board.”
“Baby, whatever you want to do, I’ll support you.”
“I don’t know if this is ADHD boredom or if I should simply push through and get through the hard stuff.”
“Does it matter?”
I stare back at him. “Doesn’t it? If this is just a symptom—”
“It’s a manifestation of your ADHD, yes,” he says. “But if you know you’re bored, and you’re dreading working on this project, and Heidi is still driving you nuts—”
“She is,” I allow.
“It’s okay to move on. You gave it your all, the sensors are up and running, and there’s nothing to say you can’t consult if they need help.
The foundation can find some other coding person.
If it’s built so only you can fix it, it will never succeed.
It needs to be able to stand without you, or it’s doomed to fail. ”
“This is true…”
“What do you want to work on?”
“I’ve been working on a better statistical model for predicting whether a draft pick pans out, and for analyzing if a prospect is worth investing in. I don’t know that it will make money, though.”
“Does it have to?” he asks.
“Well…”
“Does it have to result in a multimillion-dollar company if you enjoy working on it? Can’t it just be fun?”
I pause.
“I hadn’t thought of it like that. None of the projects I’ve worked on since I sold my company have made money. But if I take out the need to be financially solvent…”
“Not trying to tell you what to do with your money,” he says. “If you’re having fun, if you’re enjoying working on it, do you really need to be profitable? You don’t have to build it into another empire.”
I roll his words around in my head. I hadn’t considered doing this for shits and giggles.
For so long, everything has had a very strict purpose, and if it didn’t earn out—well, I could take the financial hit, but it did take a toll on me emotionally.
The goal has always been to be get back what I’m putting in, at the very least. The years of failures after failures have half-convinced me I’m not capable of building anything worthwhile anymore. That I was a one-trick pony.
Taking away that pressure means I can work on things that may not be financially viable but are still fun and exciting. And if I abandon it in six weeks or six months…
“I just don’t know what to do,” I admit. “I know I want to leave the helmet program. Where I go next is all foggy.”
Aidan gazes at me with affection. “Fly to wherever you need to fly. I’ll be your safe space to land.”
My eyes well with tears. “I wish you were here.” I could really use one of his hugs right about now.
“I wish I were too. Four more nights.”
Settling back in the bed, I draw his blanket tighter around my shoulders, breathing in the scent of his soap lingering on the fleece. “Do you want to play?”
He’s quiet for a moment, eyes pinging over my face through the webcam. “Do you need a distraction?”
“It’ll be like old times.” Right now, I think I need that.
“Whatever you want, Annie. You know I’m here for whatever you need.”
A smile tugs at my lips. “Even when what I need is to hit back-to-back home runs off you?”
His mouth curves. “You mean where you swing at every pitch in the dirt?”
“I like to be aggressive.”
“You struck out twelve times.” He rolls his eyes, his smile fond.
“Only because your pitcher was unrealistically overpowered.”
“Sounds like a skill issue.”
The knot in my chest loosens a little.
The future is still uncertain. Tomorrow, all the questions waiting for me will still be there. The career decisions. The what-ifs. The fear of getting it wrong.
But tonight, I don’t have to figure any of it out.
Tonight, I can just be Annie.
“Fine,” I say, reaching for my controller. “Get your bullpen ready.”
Aidan chuckles. “I’ve been ready. You’re the one who’s about to get mercy ruled.”
And for the first time all night, I laugh. “Oh, it’s on.”