Chapter 19
nineteen
The sound of a crying baby greets us when we enter the doctor’s office.
“Hi, my name is Emery Monroe, and I have an appointment at ten,” I tell the receptionist.
“Awesome, Emery. I’ll get you checked in, and I’ll charge the card on file for your co-pay. Why don’t you go take a seat, and the doctor will be with you as soon as they can,” she tells me.
“Thank you.”
With his hand on my back, Brett leads me across the room to two open chairs. When we sit down, I can’t help but stare at a woman who’s bouncing a tiny baby who wails. She looks completely overwhelmed. For a moment, I wonder where her partner is. Then I realize that maybe she doesn’t have one.
That only makes me more grateful for Brett.
“That poor woman,” I murmur.
Brett hums. “Is it wrong I hope our baby doesn’t do that?”
“Crying is inevitable,” I point out.
He rolls his eyes. “Obviously. I just mean I hope that they don’t have colic or sound like that. She looks like she’s seconds away from having a meltdown, and frankly, I don’t blame her. Hell, I wonder why she brought the baby with her.”
“Maybe she’s a single mom, or her partner isn’t an active parent.” I shrug.
“True. Is it strange that I feel bad for her?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You know you won’t have to worry about things like that, right? That the baby will stay with me or one of our friends or our parents if something comes up and you need to go to the doctor or just have some you time.”
Gratitude fills me.
I know he will be as active and hands-on as possible when it comes to parenting. He’s going to show up time and time again. I know it deep in my bones that I can count on him. I don’t need his reassurance, but I love that he gives it so freely, without any hesitation.
“Thank you,” I tell him softly.
“Of course. Do you want to do anything when we’re done here?”
“Sure. What do you have in mind?”
“That ice cream place you like is just down the street,” he points out.
Just the thought of ice cream makes me hungry.
“Yes!” I say, making him chuckle.
“Emery,” the nurse calls out.
Brett and I get up and head toward her.
She takes my weight, blood pressure, and urine sample before she puts us in the room. The doctor doesn’t make us wait long before she comes in.
“Hey, Emery, how are you doing?” Dr. Nguyen asks.
“I’m good.”
“Do you have any questions for me today?” she asks.
I look at Brett as I shake my head. “I don’t either, actually.”
“Awesome, let me get my measurements,” she says.
I lean back and lift my shirt. She goes about measuring my stomach, and when she’s done, she types it all into her computer.
“All right. Everything looks good. Now you have two choices,” Dr. Nguyen tells me.
“Okay…”
“At twenty weeks, we do a sonogram to check on the baby. You can actually get that done today, or you can wait and come back next week. It’s up to you, but we can get you in right now.”
I look over at Brett who’s already nodding.
“Let’s do it,” he tells me.
I look back at the doctor and nod. “You heard the man.”
Dr. Nguyen smiles. “Awesome. Once you’re ready, head down the hall. It’s the third door on the right. I’ll send the sonographer your way.”
“Thank you,” Brett and I say in unison.
I hop off the table and take Brett’s hand. We follow the doctor and head down the hall.
“This is so exciting. We get to see our baby,” I tell him as we enter the room.
“I wasn’t expecting this,” he whispers, equally as excited.
“Me neither.”
“Hi, I’m April, and I’ll be doing your scan today. Do you have any questions before we get started?” the woman asks.
“Not that I know of,” I tell her.
She smiles. “Awesome, if you don’t mind, please unbutton your pants and push them down some before you lay down.”
I do as she asks as she starts messing around with her machine.
“I apologize in advance, the gel is going to be cold. Dad, if you want, you can come stand next to mom,” April tells us.
Brett takes my hand as she squirts the gel onto my bump. I can’t help but suck in a breath when it hits my skin. I know she warned me that it would be cold, I just didn’t expect it to be this bad.
She grabs a wand-type thing and starts running it across my stomach.
“Your baby wants to be seen today. If you look right here.” She laughs as she points to the screen.
Brett’s hand squeezes mine as we stare at our baby on the screen.
It looks like an alien.
For a moment, guilt hits me for thinking it, but it’s true. The head looks large, and its body is small. The baby moves around, kicking its little legs. When it brings its fist up to its mouth, my heart clenches with happiness.
April babbles as she checks the lengths of our baby’s bones and the size of its head, rattling off all the stats, but none of them stick. They go in one ear and out the other.
That’s our baby. We made that. It hits me once again that I’m going to be a mom.
I’m going to be responsible for this tiny little human for the rest of my life.
This child will give me joy and heartache.
I’ll get to throw birthday parties, spoil them at Christmas, clean their scraped knees, and everything in between.
Flashes of what my life is about to become flash before my eyes.
“Would you guys like to find out the gender?” she asks, pulling me from my thoughts.
Blinking, I look over at Brett and see him already looking down at me.
“What do you want to do, buttercup?” he asks.
“I want to find out, but at the same time, I don’t know. I wasn’t expecting this…”
He nods. “What do you think about doing it in private?”
“I’m going to be printing out photos for you two today. I can mark one with the gender and put it in an envelope for you guys to open when you’re ready,” April tells us.
“Really?”
“Of course. I do it all the time.” She shrugs as if it’s not a big deal.
I look up at Brett.
“What do you think?”
“Let’s do it.”
“All right, you two, no peeking. I’ll let you know when it’s safe to look again.”
Brett leans down and rests his forehead on mine.
Neither of us say anything, we just live in the moment.
As I drive, Emery holds on to the envelope in her lap like it’s a lifeline. In all honesty, I can’t blame her.
That little envelope holds the gender of our baby.
Just seeing it on the screen made my heart race. We did that. Our baby went from a blob on the screen to a fully formed baby with arms and legs. The sound of their whooshing heart rate over the machine permanently etched itself into me.
I can’t wait for the next twenty weeks to pass by. Don’t get me wrong, I want to enjoy this stage of life with Emery. I want to watch her grow round with our baby and all of that shit, but at the same time, I can’t wait for the baby to be born.
To hold them in my arms. To hear them cry and earn their little gummy smiles.
I want it all.
Boy or girl.
Hockey sticks or figure skating.
Obviously, I know girls can play hockey and boys can figure skate, but that’s not the point.
Boy or girl.
Will our place be filled with bows or toy trucks?
“What are you thinking?” she asks softly as I come to a stop at the light.
“Bows or toy trucks. You?”
“Figure skates or hockey skates,” she says, laughing.
I smile at the thought. “Yeah, that’s much more fitting, huh? For the record, that thought did roll through my mind.”
“Sure it did,” she teases.
The light turns green, and I pull forward and then turn into the parking lot of the ice cream place that she loves.
“I’ve been craving ice cream from here for a while.”
“Why haven’t you said anything before now? I would have come over here and gotten it for you or brought you.”
It’s never been a secret that Emery loves this place. It’s been her one guilty pleasure for as long as I’ve known her.
Emery turns to face me. “In case you’ve forgotten, I’ve been a figure skater for almost my entire life. I’m used to ignoring cravings. Especially when they aren’t good for me.”
I want to fight her on it, but I don’t. I don’t like that she’s denying herself of something she wants, but I get it.
“Okay, but you’ll let me know if any of your cravings become too much?”
“I will.”
“Good, then back to our baby…do you want to find out?”
Emery sighs. “Part of me wants to wait. I kind of like the idea of being surprised, but I also know that the not knowing will drive me crazy.”
I’m not surprised by her answer. The idea of not having a name has already freaked her out.
“I get that. It would be cool to find out when the baby is born, but I would also like to plan. If you want to wait, though, I’m cool with it. All I care about is that we have a healthy baby and that chick back at the doctor’s office already confirmed everything looks fine.”
“You really don’t care what we have?” she asks hesitantly.
I shake my head. “No, like I said, I just want a healthy, happy baby. I don’t care if our kid plays hockey or wants to figure skate.
I’ll do whatever our baby does, and I’ll be right there with them.
” I pause dramatically. “Even if it means I have to learn baseball or basketball. As long as it’s not something weird like…
” I trail off when nothing comes to mind.
Emery smiles and laughs lightly. “I never even thought about the fact that we might have to learn a new sport. Then again, knowing our luck, our kid won’t be interested in sports at all.”
“It could very well be in our future.”
She nods but doesn’t say anything.
“It’s up to you. If you want to wait until the baby is born, we can. If you want to open it next week, that works too.”
She looks down at the envelope once again and studies it for a moment. After a few seconds, she nods.
“I think I want to wait,” she says slowly.
“Are you sure?”
She nods. “Yeah, but I’m worried.”
“About what?”
She holds up the envelope. “I’m worried that if I have this, I’ll cave. Knowing me, I’m going to have a moment of weakness and want to know. If I have the envelope, I’ll look.”
“Then you won’t have it,” I say as I take it from her. “Now that we have that solved, let’s go get some ice cream.”
We get out of the car and head toward the shop.
Halfway to the door, Emery grabs my arm. “Wait.”
“Did you change your mind?”
She shakes her head. “What if you cave in a moment of weakness and look?”
Well, shit. I didn’t even think of that.
A man exits the ice cream shop and pulls out a lighter and a cigarette.
“Come on.” Grabbing Emery’s hand, I pull her toward the shop.
“Excuse me, could I borrow your lighter for a second?” I ask the man.
He gives it over without a second thought.
Holding the envelope out, I light a corner of it on fire. Emery and I stay quiet until it’s turned to ash.
“Thanks, man,” I tell the guy as I give him back his lighter.
“Did you just burn a photo of our baby?” Emery asks slowly.
Shit. Oh fuck. I didn’t even think about it like that.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.
Emery begins to laugh, making my panic pass.
“Does this make me a bad parent?” I ask slowly, making her laugh harder.
“If that makes you a bad parent, then I am too, since I didn’t stop you,” she says between fits of laughter.
“Well, problem solved. Neither of us can cave now.”
“Very true.”
“Do you regret it?”
She shakes her head. “No. Do you?”
“No. Now that we have that handled, how about we go in and get you some ice cream?”
“Yes, please.”