32. April 4, Monday #2
In college, Kayla and Nina had never clashed the way Zoey and Nina had. Kayla probably didn’t even think Nina had that kind of venom in her.
“She said Peyton Knowles would love a story about captain drama and a messy ex-wife in community relations.” Zoey’s stomach flipped just remembering it. “And that if management starts seeing me as a distraction, they’ll cut me before they cut anything on the ice.”
Kayla was quiet for a moment, processing.
“She’s not wrong about how they think,” Zoey admitted, voice small.
“And she said she couldn’t believe she’d admired me.
That she thought I was the woman who wouldn’t shrink herself for a man.
” Her laugh cracked. “Which is hilarious, because that’s what I did for Mitch for years, and now apparently I’m doing it again by existing near Ilya’s panic threshold. ”
Might explain why Nina looked down on her so much now…
“Okay,” Kayla said slowly. “So, in one very bad night, you had: Ilya’s fear telling you you’re a liability, Nina’s fear telling you you’re a liability, and your own fear quietly chiming in that the foster agency is going to tell you the same thing about Jayden.”
“And then,” Zoey said faintly, “I found Fido in the garage.”
Kayla blinked. “I saw your text last night but had a late night and only have disjointed updates from a variety of people. Start from the top? Tell me what happened in the parking lot.”
Zoey let herself replay it: the cold concrete, the thin, pained whine, the filthy shepherd mix curled against her tire.
“She was just…there,” she whispered. “Half under my car. So skinny, Kay. One leg was bent wrong, and there was so much blood. She growled at me, but it was like she didn’t have the energy to really follow through.
And she was using Ilya’s glove as a safety blanket. ” Her voice got tight at the memory.
Kayla’s hand paused mid-rub. “His glove?”
“The leather one he always fidgets with. ”Zoey’s throat tightened painfully. “I moved her into my backseat. I put Ilya’s hoodie under her head because I’m apparently a collector of belongings from emotionally unavailable men. Then I drove like a lunatic to the emergency vet.”
“And Mitch and the guys met you there,” Kayla said, connecting threads.
“Eventually. I texted the team chat. They showed up in waves. It was…weirdly sweet. And awful.” Zoey closed her eyes.
“We’re all in the waiting room, and the vet comes out and says Fido’s probably going to be okay but—plot twist—she’s a girl and she’s recently had puppies.
So now we’ve got a critically injured dog and potentially dying puppies in the parking garage, and the guys just…
go. They organize themselves into puppy search parties like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. ”
Kayla’s mouth softened. “Of course they do.”
“And then the vet lets us go see Fido, and before that, I just—I lost it for a second. I was sitting there, covered in dried dog blood, holding the emergency blanket from my car, and I looked at Ilya and he looked at me and I just… He looked so broken and lost…He didn’t…
Ilya doesn’t look like that…ever. And he just looked at me with this broken gaze that wrecked me, and so I didn’t think and just…
hugged him.” Zoey let out a humorless huff.
“Full-body, this-is-my-person hug. In the middle of a public waiting room. With half the roster and Mitch watching.”
“And that,” Kayla concluded quietly, “is when Mitch realized…”
“Yup.” Zoey pressed her lips together. “He definitely noticed. The entire room watched Ilya and me peel apart like we’d been caught having sex on the exam table.”
Kayla winced. “Uh-huh.”
“He demanded to know how long,” Zoey said. “Used the words ‘my wife.’ And when I corrected him, because ex-wife, he just lost it. On Ilya. On me. Accused him of waiting around for our marriage to fail. Accused me of moving across the country for this.”
“You defended yourself?” Kayla prompted.
“Yes.” The answer came faster than Zoey expected. “I told him we were over long before anything happened with Ilya. That I left. That I chose. That he doesn’t get to talk about me like I’m property someone stole.”
“And how did he take that?”
“About as well as he takes being screened on the power play,” Zoey muttered.
“But then he turned on Ilya. He went for every one of Ilya’s soft spots.
Called him Captain Responsibility. Said he couldn’t even keep a dog safe.
That Christian was in the hospital while he was sneaking around with me.
That Ilya was the guy who tried to be everything for everyone and eventually something gets dropped, and people like me are the ones who pay for it. ”
She swallowed hard.
“And the worst part?” she whispered. “Is that Ilya believed him. Because he already believes that. Mitch just…put it in bold.”
Kayla let out a slow breath. “So, Mitch was hurt, and he weaponized what he knows about Ilya’s trauma history to make his pain feel righteous.”
“Yes,” Zoey said hoarsely. “And Ilya just…let it land. He didn’t argue. He didn’t correct him. He just stood there like he was on trial for falling in love.”
Kayla’s jaw tightened briefly—therapist neutral cracking at the edges—then smoothed out. “And then?”
“And then I yelled at both of them,” Zoey said, wearily defensive. “I told Mitch he doesn’t own me. Told Ilya he doesn’t get to act like loving me is some moral failure. That was fun…not.”
The memory made her want to crawl out of her skin.
“Mitch stormed out. The vet took me and Bobby back to see Fido. The guys went to find puppies. And Ilya just…stayed in his chair. Like he’d broken every rule he’d ever set for himself, then left with this destroyed look on his face.”
Kayla was quiet for a beat. Then she asked, “And then this morning, you woke up to a caseworker telling you that you’re not good for Jayden?”
Zoey’s eyes burned again. “She didn’t say it like that. She was kind. Which made me feel pathetic.”
“Tell me,” Kayla said softly. “Her actual words. Not the version your shame translated.”
Zoey gave her a narrow look. “You’re very annoying.”
“I know,” Kayla said easily. “Answer the question.”
Zoey inhaled shakily and recounted the highlights, surprising herself at how…
positive the words had been, even if she hadn’t registered it at the time.
“Hanna said my file is strong. That my references were excellent. That my MAPP instructors had good things to say about me. That my license is still moving forward. She was very clear about that part.”
Kayla nodded. “Okay. And then?”
“She said Jayden’s case is complicated,” Zoey went on. “That he’s not legally free. His mom is working her plan. There are relatives being assessed. That pulling him to me right now could be more about my hope than his needs.” Her mouth twisted. “And that’s…fair. It sucked, but it was fair.”
“And?” Kayla prompted.
Zoey picked at a thread on her pants. “She said she’s worried I’ve turned him into a ‘child-specific hope.’ That my feelings for him are understandable but kind of tunnel-vision-y for this stage.
That I’m imagining my whole future around him when his path isn’t decided yet.
And that’s dangerous. For him, for me, for everyone. ”
Kayla hummed. “Is she wrong?”
“No,” Zoey admitted. “I bought him a Spider-Man cup, Kay. It’s in our cabinet. I’ve rearranged my mental furniture to make space for his shoes by the door and phantom school drop-offs, and he’s not even legally allowed to live here yet.”
“Okay,” Kayla dragged out. Then, gently, “And did she say you were a bad candidate? Or that you’re not ready for fostering?”
“No,” Zoey said immediately. “She kept saying I’m on track for licensing. That I’ve done excellent work. That she’s not closing the door, just…not walking Jayden through it toward me right now.”
“And what did your brain hear?” Kayla asked.
“That I’d waited too long,” Zoey whispered. “That if I hadn’t wasted so much time in a marriage that went nowhere, if I hadn’t been so careful about starting, maybe I would already have a kid in this apartment. Maybe I wouldn’t be on the wrong side of the curve.”
Kayla tipped her head, voice still calm. “Waiting for what?”
“For Mitch to want the same life,” Zoey muttered. “For the perfect husband, the perfect job, the perfect version of me who didn’t screw everything up. I don’t know. I just feel like I waited myself out of my own future.”
“You waited yourself out of one very specific picture of it,” Kayla corrected gently. “That’s different.”
The tears that had been hovering spilled over again, hot and furious.
“I’m not getting Jayden,” Zoey said, because it still felt like the only thing she knew how to say.
“I know,” Kayla said. “And that sucks. We’re not going to pretend it doesn’t.
But you didn’t fail anything here, Zo.” She reached out and pushed an errant curl off Zoey’s damp cheek.
“You’ve been fast-tracking this process for months.
Classes, home study, trauma webinars instead of trash TV.
You’re doing the work. This isn’t a cosmic report card saying you’re unfit.
It’s one cautious woman saying, ‘Not this kid, not this way, not right now.’”
Zoey sniffed. “She said I made Jayden into proof. Like if I get him, it means I’m finally the person I’ve been trying to be. And if I don’t…” Her shoulders shook. “Then it means I failed.”
“And is she wrong?” Kayla asked.
Silence answered.
Zoey stared down at the coffee in her hands, absolutely lost.
The tears came and went in waves, but Kayla didn’t rush her. She just sat there on the cold floor, hand a steady weight between Zoey’s shoulder blades, breathing with her.
Eventually, the hurts started to blur together into one big, aching mass: Ilya, Mitch, Nina, Fido, Jayden, Christian’s hit, Hanna’s not yet.
Everything ached. Her head. Her ribs. Her eyes.