Chapter 13
She needed to get her ass into gear and go make dinner. Saul might not say anything, but Sadie was aware he still tired easily after all the blood loss and with the pain he was still in. Especially since he seemed to have an aversion to the pain meds, saying they dulled his senses.
Of course, so did pain and exhaustion, but she knew there was no point telling the stubborn man that.
Still, she was grumpy and out of sorts, and was having trouble motivating herself. Well, until she heard the banging of pots in her kitchen, coupled with some colorful cursing. What the hell was the idiotic man up to now?
Jumping off her bed, Sadie hurried into the kitchen.
“What on earth do you think you’re doing?
” she cried, racing to intervene as Saul attempted to pick up her heavy cast iron wok, complete with lid.
Sure, he was doing it with his good arm, but Sadie knew full well it pulled right across his clavicle to his wound.
Saul at least had the grace to look a little sheepish as she took the pan from him while he winced in relief. “I was trying to do something nice for you,” he replied, looking at her with eyes that would put a begging puppy to shame. “You seem a little out of sorts.”
“Well don’t! Doing something nice would be allowing yourself to heal so you’re out of my hair,” she snapped and immediately felt bad when he pressed his lips together and looked away.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “Maybe I should ask Luca if one of the other private cabanas is free.”
And just like that, Sadie hated herself. “That’s not necessary,” she told him softly, immediately contrite. “This is all just a bit of an adjustment. I’ve been on my own since I was sixteen. I’m not used to living with anyone. Especially a complete stranger.”
It was wearing on her more than she’d expected, preventing her from sleeping effectively since she couldn’t let go enough to relax properly.
As she poked through the ingredients Saul had assembled on her countertop, she realized he’d worked out the exact same thing.
“Where are you sleeping?” he suddenly demanded, his piercing eyes narrowing on her.
“I just assumed you were sharing the bed like those first couple of nights and were an early riser. But that’s not it, is it? ”
Sadie bit her lip and looked away. It was true.
The first two nights he’d been here, she’d laid down next to him like a regular Florence Nightingale in case he deteriorated or needed anything, mopping his brow and feeding him pain meds.
But she’d been alert the whole time, unable to relax enough to sleep.
“I’ve been using the couch,” she admitted, waving towards the small, cushioned bamboo seat.
“What the fuck, Sadie?” he cursed, aghast. “There’s no way that’s big enough, or comfortable enough, to sleep on!”
Wasn’t that the truth, as Sadie knew firsthand.
And now, so did Saul, since the lack of sleep, as well as the sexual tension, had made her cranky.
“Why the hell aren’t you using the bed? It’s more than big enough!”
“Because you’re in it!” she retorted, that same tiredness making her less accommodating than usual.
She winced as soon as the words were out of her mouth, and Saul looked affronted. “I’m not exactly in any shape to be a threat,” he said stiffly.
Sadie closed her eyes and raised one hand. “Look, I know you’re not, okay. But I have… issues.”
There. She’d said it.
There was a heavy silence followed by some shuffling around, and Sadie opened her eyes to find out what was going on. “What are you doing?” she asked, as Saul started awkwardly stuffing things into his bag with his good hand.
“I’m getting out of here.” The words were clipped. His jaw clenched.
“Saul, just stop it, will you? You don’t need to do that.”
He tossed her a brief, accusing look. “Yes, I do. Why the hell did you tell Luca it was okay for me to stay here if all this time you’ve been spiraling?”
“I am not spiraling!” she huffed. Now it was her turn to be offended.
“Well, I beg to differ, Ms. Therapist.” The tone with which he said the words softened their impact, but they were still a blow, and Sadie knew there was some truth to them.
She plowed her fingers into her hair, gripping and pulling to give herself that bite of pain she needed in order to get out of her head.
Fucking hell! She really needed to find a Dom with enough balls to take her on… That or tone down the demands that put them all off. Could she do it?
Did she have a choice?
How dare Saul see through the carefully constructed persona she’d erected to keep herself safe from the world. Why did he have to question her? This was her decision, not his.
Damn. You’re a wimp!
“You don’t need to leave,” she told him from between gritted teeth. “You’re not in any fit state to look after yourself anyway.” The reminder didn’t do anything to slow him down.
She huffed out a breath. “Look, it’ll be fine. I just need a good session at Iniquity so I can silence my demons again, okay?”
Well, that was more information than she’d wanted to give him. What the heck was her mouth doing running off like that? Again.
Saul paused and glowered at her. “Then why haven’t you done that?
” he demanded, tipping his head to one side in query.
“You haven’t needed to look after me 24/7 since the first couple of days, so why haven’t you gone to get it dealt with?
Your mental health is important. Believe me, I know that better than anyone.
And as a therapist, I would have thought you do too. ”
Sadie felt the color rising in her cheeks and looked away.
“It’s not that simple,” she mumbled. Goddammit.
Where was her usual insouciance? It was like Saul just scraped away all her careful defenses and laid waste to the barriers she used to protect herself.
He made her admit to things she never would have confessed to anyone, and they weren’t even in a damn relationship.
Saul dropped the bag and threw his hands up in the air. “Why is it not that simple?” he asked, stalking towards her in a very Dom-like fashion, which was enough to make her shiver, awareness prickling across the surface of her skin and causing her nipples to pebble.
But that wasn’t what this was about. She really needed to stop thinking with her vagina.
As if that’s something you’ve ever done before, a needling little voice inside her head reminded her.
She tried not to admit, even to herself, that it was true.
Sadie took caution to truly exceptional levels, which was why she always needed to make demands about the exact steps any scene she negotiated would take.
It wasn’t her fault so many Doms saw it as topping from the bottom, rather than negotiating.
Okay, so it was hardly negotiating if she told them exactly what to do, how to do it, for how long, and with what implement.
But, as the submissive, that was her prerogative.
She held all the control. It wasn’t her fault if Doms were all bossy men who didn’t like being told what to do by an equally bossy sub…
so they chose not to play with her, and that was their prerogative.
It was also the cause of her current dilemma.