Chapter 3
Ender
I can't get off this stupid bus fast enough. It’s great that Lane and River have each other, but watching that shit all the time is mentally exhausting. Every time I see them being intimate, it reminds me of Alara, and that is the opposite of what I want to think about.
I run my fingers through my slicked black hair as her face invades my mind for the millionth time.
Brilliant green eyes stare into the depths of my soul.
Her smile alone is bright enough to light up an entire room, with soft dimples on either side of her cheeks.
There she is, the girl who broke my damn heart.
I swipe through the notifications on my phone, typing her name into social media. There are never any new posts, so I’m not sure why I expect it to be different this time, but I always have a sliver of hope. When her profile loads, again, there’s nothing new. Go fucking figure.
Two years of no contact over an argument seems over the top. She made her boundary clear, though, and the fact that she still has this irrational hold over me pisses me off. No matter how hard I've tried, I can't seem to move on. She doesn’t care, so why do I ?
I really need to get off this bus so I can numb the pain.
We've been on the road nonstop for the last year. It wasn’t the original plan, but in this industry, you have to take the highs and ride them out as long as possible.
Everything could be ripped away in the blink of an eye.
That’s life. Look at what happened with Alara, and then factor in Rocky’s overdose.
Losing both of them back-to-back was a real fucking gut punch. I almost gave up on this whole rockstar thing, but it’s all I have left. This band, no matter how much the guys annoy me sometimes, is the only thing still pushing me forward.
Our bus comes to a stop in front of our apartment building, and I glance out of the window. Of course, there’s a crowd waiting for us outside the entrance. Glen probably called them. I shake my head, thinking, this is the life we wanted, paparazzi and all.
Standing, I gather my things, including the cage holding Dave, my hamster, and step toward the door. When there are crowds like this, we always walk in together so we can sprint through everyone. It’s less chaotic that way, so I wait while the others line up behind me.
Someone bumps into me from behind, trying to get my attention, but I’m not in the mood.
"Still being a dick, I take it?" Lane says, yet I continue ignoring him.
Am I being over the top? Probably, but I don’t care.
"We should grab a celebratory drink at the bar next door," Nix tries suggesting .
"Can’t. We have plans," Lane mutters. He’s obviously talking about him and River.
A calculated grin spreads across my face as Lane bumps into me again.
This time, I glance over my shoulder, glaring briefly before the bus door opens.
I face forward again, knowing what I’m about to do will piss everyone off, before planting both feet firmly on the ground.
Instead of rushing toward the apartment building doors, I hand Dave off to a nearby security guard and raise a hand, waving at everyone.
"What are you doing? Hurry up," I hear from behind.
We don't normally stop to entertain autographs or photos when we get off our bus, but tonight, we are, or at least I am. The rest of the band can disappoint our fans if they want to. I guess they shouldn’t have let me step out first. The guys can consider this my own petty form of payback for pissing me off, since they’ll be forced to entertain everyone, too. They won’t risk looking like assholes.
"Ender!"
"Over here!"
"Nowhere Forever!"
"Nix!"
"Can you sign this?"
"I love you!"
"You're so hot!"
People shout in all directions, and a well-pleased laugh escapes me as I grab a marker from a middle-aged woman’s hand .
"Oh my god! I literally love you so much! Would you sign this?" Before I can react, she's lifting up her shirt, revealing her bare chest.
The marker glides across her skin in a quick motion.
I don't make a habit of signing body parts, but fuck it.
I move down the line, taking photos and fulfilling as many requests as possible while glancing back at Lane, Nix, and River to see them in similar positions.
The sense of satisfaction makes every moment worth it.
When we finally make it inside and out of reach of the public, Lane glares at me. "Do you feel better now?"
"Nah, I’ll feel better when I’m somewhere you’re not." I scoff, pressing the up button on the elevator.
"Can you try to avoid the tabloids if you go out? We don't need Glen breathing down our necks." Nix sighs.
“No guarantees.” I roll my eyes before grabbing my hamster out of the security guard's hand.
We ride up in silence, and when the doors roll open, I push past everyone, walking straight to our apartment. The only thing on my mind is finding a way to quiet my brain.
When we started generating money, we all agreed it would be easier to have one place to come back to rather than financing multiple, only to use them scarcely.
We settled on a four-bedroom, five-bathroom apartment in the heart of Los Angeles that’s fully furnished and houses all of our personal belongings.
It’s perfect because we can stay together without actually having to be together if we don’t want to. For now, it’s home .
Shutting myself into my room, I set my pet’s cage on top of my dresser and glance at Dave.
At least this little guy likes me. He’s been my only confidant willing to listen without judgment.
Most of what he’s listening to are complaints about the guys, work, or Alara.
I sigh, flopping onto the bed, plagued by more memories.
“Didn’t you see how rude he was?” Her eyes filled with tears.
She wrapped her arms around my waist, and I inhaled her mango and floral scent, not sure what she was talking about. I didn't see him being rude because I was too caught up in the moment, and that only added to how much of an ass I felt like.
“I’ll find him and handle it. Nobody talks down to what belongs to me.” I let the words slip out, and almost instantly, she pulled away.
“I think you’re confused. I don’t belong to anyone.” A crease formed in her brow.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“It’s exactly what you meant. You know, men are all the same.” She shook her head, pacing back and forth while anger seemed to bubble out of her. “You only care about yourselves.”
“That’s not true. I’ve always cared about you. From the first time I saw you, I cared about you. That’s why I convinced the others to let you join the band,” I said, with a sympathetic smile.
“You let me join the band? Seriously? Do you even hear yourself, Ender?”
“Yeah? It was supposed to be the four of us, but when we met you, I convinced them to let you join. ”
“I’m going to ask you something, and I swear you’d better answer honestly.” Her eyes peered into mine.
“Of course I’ll be honest.”
“Why did you want me to join this band?”
“I don’t know. I saw you and wanted you around. You’re pretty.” I shrugged.
“You selfish prick.”
“What? How is that wrong?” I tossed my hands up, not understanding why she was so worked up.
“You only cared about me because you wanted to date me. My accomplishments mean nothing, apparently, and you don’t even realize what you just said. It’s the same disrespectful attitude Glen had in there. If you can’t recognize the correlation, then why the fuck am I even here?”
“Are you on your period or something?” I knew I shouldn’t have said it, but I still did.
“You’re joking, right?” She huffed.
“Alara, stop. Everything worked out. We’re the perfect band. Tell me what I’m doing wrong. I don’t get it.”
“I know you don’t get it. That’s the point.” She shook her head, nostrils flaring. “I can’t do this. Enjoy your four-man band. I’m out.”
That was the last thing she said before she walked away, leaving me alone on the side of the road. That night has played in my head over and over. I discounted her talent. I made it seem like the only reason she was in the band was because I was attracted to her. How fucking stupid .
When she didn’t show up at the meeting, I didn’t fight for her.
I was stubborn, and there's no excuse. In my mind, her absence was her way of saying she didn’t want this life.
The others asked, and I insisted we move on, all while telling them to never mention her name again.
She became known as ‘you know who,’ and I justified the decision to sign the deal of a lifetime while fucking her over in the process.
Fucking hell. I need a drink. Cocaine sounds much better, but I haven't been able to touch that shit since Rocky overdosed. Something about losing your brother to a drug takes all of the fun out of it. Now, I drink to fill the void.
I stand and walk out toward the living room, where Nix is sitting on one of the couches on his phone. Great, here we go.
"Do you want me to come with you?" He eyes me too closely.
Nix doesn’t realize he does it, but he treats me exactly like the rest of them do. They think I need to be watched, like I’m one minor inconvenience away from a full-blown breakdown. I don't need a fucking babysitter.
"I'll manage just fine. The bar is literally right next door." I stride right past him, hoping I can leave before he tries to guilt-trip me.
“I can go.”
“Don’t we spend enough time together?” The anger pours out of me.
"You don't have to be an asshole all the time!" Nix yells.
I toss up a middle finger that he likely can't see, and walk directly out the front door.
It would probably be smarter to stay in my room and drown my sorrows there, away from any potential cameras, but I never claimed to be smart.
Tonight, I'll risk the cameras and sit my happy ass down in the VIP section of the bar, drinking myself into oblivion with strangers.
It just further proves that you can have everything you thought you wanted and still feel completely empty inside.