Chapter 23
Lane
M y fingers tap furiously on my thigh as I count in my head over and over. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. I try to rein in my thoughts, but they spiral out of control as more anger than necessary overloads my nervous system.
What kind of sick joke is this?
Is this because I sat on River's right side instead of his left today? I knew the whole time something felt off, but when I asked him to switch with me, he said it was fine. It's not fine. Out of all the people in the world, it had to be Alara who showed up.
The universe must have some kind of fucked up sense of humor. Then top it off with the fact that she doesn't know who any of us are. She probably thinks we're certifiably insane. That's what I would think if I were in her shoes.
Is this my fault? I didn't check on her that night. I always made sure everyone got home safely after all our shows, but I didn't text her that night because Ender told me they’d gotten into a fight .
When I texted her the next day, and she didn't answer, I should've tried harder. We all should have tried harder when she didn't show up to the meeting. Instead, we were stupid and let it happen because she wasn't answering our calls, and we thought she wanted space.
If she woke up in the hospital two years ago with no memory, that would mean whatever accident she had was right around the time we performed at Vector's Lounge.
How long after that night did she get hurt?
Could it have been that same night? What if something happened to her as soon as she walked away from us?
I should have checked. I know better than that.
No. I need to stop. Count to four. One. Two. Three. Four. I touch the tips of each finger to my thumb with every number. Keep yourself distracted. I can't get caught up in the ‘what ifs’.
River glances at me, as if he knows what's happening in my mind right now. I shake my head. I'm fine. I don't need everyone trying to micromanage me when there are bigger problems.
Nix runs a hand through his hair, throwing his palms up in the air before sighing. "Fuck. I'm sorry. I didn't know she was the same girl. If I did, I never would have brought her here."
"There was no way you could have known," River reassures him. My sweet, gentle boy is always trying to be the voice of reason, even though I know this hurts him too.
"I could have looked into her a little more, I guess. I just..." Riv tangles his fingers in his hair. "I don't know. "
"You wouldn't have found anything unless you were really looking. We had a lot of things that included her from our early days scrubbed from as many websites as possible." I admit.
It's harsh, but true. Maybe it was a little petty, but we paid someone to wipe as much of our early days from searches as they could.
We didn't want people asking who she was and why she wasn't around after we signed with the label.
When we started performing the bigger shows with just the four of us, anyone who dug deep enough to find photos of her online likely assumed she was an ex-girlfriend who didn't matter.
"This is fucked," Ender says, grabbing another beer. I've lost count of how many he's had now.
"What are we going to do?" I ask the question on everyone's mind.
"She came here to sing. We're going to listen to her sing." River shrugs.
"Is that even necessary?" I protest.
"I hate to break up whatever's happening here, but there's a girl in the living room right now wondering what the hell's going on." Nix points out. "You might know who she is, but in her mind, this is the first time she's meeting the three of you."
River slides his hand in mine, knowing I need reassurance as I tap my foot on the floor. He smiles softly, trying to hide the pain behind his eyes.
"Should we tell her?" River's question startles me. Not because I wasn't thinking it myself, but because if she doesn't remember us, she might think we're the ones trying to manipulate her. It could confuse her.
"How did you meet her?" I ask Nix. It shouldn't matter, but for some reason, the answer to that question might play into whether or not we should tell her we've all met before.
"I um..." He hesitates.
"Spit it out." I roll my eyes. "It can't be that bad."
"I might have ditched security and gone to a bar to watch some live music."
"Well, I'll be damned." Ender whips his head around, grinning. "Looks like we've got ourselves a rule breaker."
"Leave me alone," Nix says, shaking his head. "Anyway, after I heard her sing for the first time, I kept going back. She's kind of addictive."
"You’d better keep yourself in check," Ender snarls.
Well, this is going to get interesting.
"Fuck off, Ender. You don't get to have some sort of ridiculous claim over her when you haven't even spoken in two years." Nix narrows his eyes.
As much as I would love to see the two of them duke it out, we need to stay focused. My foot taps faster on the floor as I try to keep myself grounded. "We can't tell her."
"Why not?" Ender yells.
"Think about it. She has no memory of any of us. Do you really think she'll consider it a coincidence that the one guy from the band she doesn't 'know' showed up to listen to her sing? Out of all places, and all people. "
"That is a little weird," Nix admits.
"Yeah, and you said you kept going back. She may think you were stalking her or trying to trick her. If we tell her we know her, she could decide she doesn't want anything to do with us."
"Do we want anything to do with her?" Ender interrupts.
"Is that really a question? Come on, man. Be honest with yourself. If she walked out before we went back out there, how shitty would you feel?"
He doesn't respond. He doesn't deny my accusation either, which further confirms I'm right.
"So, we just don't say anything? Do you think that's fair?" River asks.
"I just don't think that's a good idea. Besides, I think I’ve heard people say it's not good to tell someone with amnesia about things they don't remember. It could be more harmful. I think."
"What people did you hear that from?" Nix doubts me.
"I don't know… people." I shrug.
"What are we supposed to do?" River asks.
"If she stays, it could trigger one of her memories. That's how amnesia works, right?" I look to Nix.
"How am I supposed to know? I don’t have amnesia, and I just found out about hers last night." He throws a hand up.
"You always know everything. It's who you are. Don't go and be shy about it now. We all know that as soon as she told you, you spent all your time researching that shit." I raise a brow .
Nix sighs. "It could trigger a memory, or it couldn't. From what I've found, there's no way of knowing for sure. There's no appropriate diagnosis for her specific case."
"I don't know if I can lie to her," Ender says as he sits on the edge of the bed. Thankfully, his hand stopped bleeding.
"Is it lying if we’re just technically keeping something to ourselves that could hurt her?" I say, as I glance over at River.
"That's lying. I don't like it," River answers. It's not in his nature to be dishonest, which is one of the many things I appreciate about him.
I can tell this isn't going to get resolved right now, so I offer a counter solution. "What if we kept it to ourselves for the time being? If she questions us, we're honest with her, but if she doesn't, we see what happens."
"Again, how is that fair to her?" Nix asks.
"Fair? You think this is fair to any of us?" Ender huffs, and I roll my eyes.
"It's not about being fair. We won't lie if she starts to remember things, but I don't think it's important right now. She's here because you like the way she sings. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that," I say to Nix. "Let's go listen to her sing and go from there."
"I actually agree," River says. He's looking down at his phone now, and he holds it out for us to see what he was searching for.
"This says telling someone with amnesia about their memories can be challenging and not always the best course of action.
We should wait and see if her being around us triggers something. "
"We're bringing her on tour," Ender states plainly.
We all turn to look at him as he drops yet another empty bottle on the floor before standing and walking toward the hallway, while glaring at us. "We need an opening act, and she wants the job. I'm making it happen. We already know she's a damn good artist, even if she can't remember it herself."
"What about Glen?" Nix asks.
"I'll worry about Glen," Ender says.
"Do you think you can keep your shit together?" Nix asks.
"Probably not, but that's not a today kind of problem." Ender shrugs.
"The three of you were torn completely apart over this woman, and you think pretending you don't know her is going to work?" Nix says.
"We owe it to her," River breathes out.
"The only person that owes something to her is me. I'm the one who pushed her away. If I knew that argument was the last thing we would say to each other–"
"This is exactly what I'm talking about," Nix interrupts.
"You can't even keep it together for this conversation.
You're bouncing back and forth between saying you owe her something and then being upset because you fought with her.
You realize I'm not going to stop being with her. She's my girlfriend."
"Oh, you’re going to stop being with her," Ender urges him.
"No, I'm not," Nix doubles down. "She doesn't know you. I'm not going to hurt her. I like her too much for that. You're just going to have to deal with it. "
This is going to be a whole ass mess.
“And what? Do we just watch you with her even though we knew her first?” Ender’s brows narrow. “She was mine first.”
“Well, she’s mine now,” Nix counters.
“It does make it more complicated. We could always share,” I toss out, thinking everyone is going to tell me to fuck off. “I had a thing for her too, but I never pursued her because of Ender. Plus, I had my sights set on Riv, so I was perfectly content. Not saying I’m not content now, baby.”
“I know what you mean.” River smiles, knowing I didn’t mean any harm with my statement. “She’s probably the only other person I would be okay with watching you touch.”
I smile, loving how possessive his little statement is. Maybe I’ll have to reward him for that later.
“So you want me to share her with all of you? You realize how crazy that sounds.” Nix crosses his arms.
“I don’t want to share her,” Ender grumbles.
“I think you should give her the option. If she’s happy with you, then so be it, but if at some point she decides ‘hey I might like this guy too’, then maybe don’t say no.” I shrug.
Nix sits there for a moment, processing my words. How did I become the voice of reason in all of this? After everything, I don’t know what the right decision is for all of us moving forward. I just have this feeling that having this option might be the only way to ensure this band stays together .
“If she shows interest in any of you, I won’t stop her.” Nix’s brows raise as he eyes each of us with a long sigh. “But none of you better hurt her again, or it will be the last thing you do.”
“This is never going to work.” Ender shakes his head.
“Okay. Ender can watch from the sidelines since he wants to whine about it.”
“I’m not watching anything.” His hands ball up into fists.
“Then you can play nice with the rest of us.” I tilt my head, trying to hold back a laugh because again, I never thought this was even going to be entertained.
“Fine,” he reluctantly agrees.
The hard truth is, the moment she walked into our lives again, there was no way any of us were going to let her leave. This added complication of her not remembering us doesn’t matter.
"We all agree. We don't tell her about our history, and we listen to her sing. If she is interested in anyone besides Nix, it’s not off limits." I glance around the room, and everyone nods.
Let the fun begin, I guess.