Chapter 31
River
T he shadows are back. Every time I close my eyes, it's like they're there waiting for me, haunting every portion of my subconscious.
Being awake and plagued by them is no longer enough.
My head twists, trying to find somewhere with peace, but there's no use.
No matter how hard I search, I'll never be able to escape their reach.
I'm in the water this time, desperately seeking out fresh air, but there's no hope. I kick my feet, flapping my arms as hard as I can while trying to reach the surface to no avail. It’s like this invisible string is holding me in place.
My lungs burn, and my heart races as I fight the dwindling time.
I kick harder, trying my best to stay calm, but everything is getting dark.
The light from within begins to fade as the need to breathe grows louder and louder.
I'm so close to the surface. Fresh air is in sight if only I could just get to it.
I spring free and push forward, but just as I'm about to find relief at the edge of the water, something grabs my ankle, pulling me back into my own personal hell. I scream, expelling the little bit of air I had left. One of the shadows is there. It caught me .
I jolt awake, clutching my chest while gasping for air. It takes a few seconds for me to realize I’m in bed, with Lane sleeping soundly next to me and not in the water. The shadows aren’t here. None of this is real.
I take a deep breath, trying not to wake him. He's normally a light sleeper, so the fact that he is still sleeping through my nightmare must mean he was exhausted. I’m just glad I don’t have to make excuses for yet another one of these dreadful dreams.
Having this break from the tour has made things so much worse.
All the memories I’ve tried to repress are catching up with me now that we’re not busy doing sound checks or playing back-to-back shows.
I’ve had to sit with the thoughts and the shame that I can’t break free of, no matter how much I crave it.
Dealing with what broke you is uncomfortable. It’s so much worse than anyone knows. The ghosts of my past won’t let me be. Is it because I’ve been happy?
In a flash, I’m back in that water, but I quickly shake the thought away. My head spins, ears ringing. How do I make it stop?
My eyes land on the now purple hair of the man that I love. Lane has his own struggles. It doesn’t matter if talking about my issues will help or not. Burdening him with something like that doesn’t seem fair. Especially now that Alara has been added to the mix.
Things are different with her this time around.
Lane and I kept our distance before because we thought she was going to end up with Ender.
Now that she doesn't remember him, it's like everything has been reset. There are blurred lines that weren’t there, feelings that can be explored that we couldn’t before.
Lane has been my only path for so long, but if he agreed to it, I wouldn’t be opposed to adding Alara to the mix. He’s already made his interest clear to me. She compliments him well, even if she doesn’t even realize it.
People think I don’t notice things, but I’m hyper-focused on everything.
Being quiet and polite aren’t the sole aspects of my personality.
I’m constantly checking my surroundings, making sure there aren’t things that can secretly implode.
Life can change in an instant. As quickly as things are given, they can also be taken away.
I sigh, glancing at the time on my phone.
It’s after three in the morning, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to fall back asleep.
I might as well go grab some water and maybe a snack.
Part of me wonders if I should pop in to check on Ender and make sure he’s okay.
He’s been spending a lot more time unsupervised now that Nix has been preoccupied.
We may or may not have heard Nix and Alara in the next room, and if we did, it's possible Ender did too.
"Can I have some?" the sweetest voice startles me.
My head jolts around to meet the eyes of a very sleepy Alara. Her eyes are puffy, her body covered with one of Nix’s t-shirts and a pair of his boxers .
"You look rough," I joke, handing her my glass. Suddenly, I don't need water anymore.
"That's rude." She snags it from me, chugging it down rather quickly.
"It was rude. I'm sorry."
"Hey, don't apologize." The firmness in her tone reminds me of Lane, so dominating. "I probably do look rough. Why are you up?"
"I don't sleep very well," I admit.
"Shit. There goes my plan to steal things to sell on the internet while you’re sleeping." She shrugs.
"Why would you steal our things?" I raise a brow, running a hand through my hair.
"I bet people would pay a pretty penny for a pair of your shoes."
I try my best to choke back a laugh. My shoes. This girl has got a sense of humor, I'll give her that.
"If you want to sell my shoes, I’ll willingly give you a pair just so I can see what they’re worth."
"That could be fun." She grins.
"It really could." I find myself feeling lighter while talking to her, despite the darkness of my dreams.
"I was going to watch a movie. Did you want to join me?” I ask, a little worried she might reject me.
"At three am? I would love to watch a movie with you. I don't know if you know this, but Nix snores. "
I burst into a fit of laughter, taking the glass from her and setting it on the counter before wrapping her arm around mine. The two of us walk closely into the living room, where I grab the remote and click on the television for what I think is the first time.
"You've never used this before, have you?" She calls me out almost immediately.
"Guilty. To be fair, there are televisions in each of our rooms, too. We don't spend a ton of time as a group out here. We get enough group time when we're on the road."
"Yeah, that's going to be interesting." She pauses. "Will I get my own bus or van or something?"
I honestly don't know what to tell her. If it were up to me, I’d give her all the space she wants, but I highly doubt any of the guys are going to be willing to let that happen. They will want her close.
Instead of answering, I pat the couch cushion next to me. "Sit. I'll let you pick the movie."
"A man after my own heart," she says, and something flutters inside me.
After a few minutes of scrolling, she ends up picking The Devil Wears Prada because I've never seen it before. She told me it was an obligation for me to watch. Apparently, every human on the planet needs to experience Miranda Priestly. I don’t care what we watch, as long as I get to spend time with her.
The two of us fall into a comfortable silence, watching the scenes play out. About halfway through, I put the recliner up, and she readjusts next to me. She lies down with her head on a pillow dangerously close to my lap and her feet toward the other end of the couch.
I bring my arm down and lay it on her side, cuddling up to her while also being respectful. Before long, I find my eyes growing heavy and, for the first time in what feels like forever, I fall fast asleep. The demons that usually haunt me are nowhere in sight.