Chapter 38
Alara
G irl time was needed more than I thought.
After a few hours with Rayne, I've discovered several things.
Knowing someone is constantly watching you is weird, and that I do, in fact, have feelings for at least Lane and maybe River in addition to Nix.
And there is so much about the tour that I still don't know.
I actually made a mental list of questions.
What will happen to my house?
How long will we be gone?
Will I be able to take breaks and fly back here?
Should I tell Gabby I can't work for her anymore?
Will my sense of privacy completely disappear?
How will I get the songs memorized in time?
What happens if I embarrass myself in front of thousands of people?
Is this something I'm really ready to do?
The questions pile on, becoming more overwhelming by the second. Nix insists I’m worthy of sharing the stage with them, but I disagree. How can any of this be out of merit when I have no clue what the fuck is going on ?
“Hey.” Rayne snaps her fingers. She has to go to work soon, so I’ll be alone with my thoughts, and that sounds dangerous. "Before I leave, we need to circle back to something. How is this whole scenario supposed to play out with you and the rest of the band?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're boinking Nix," she states.
"Yes.” I roll my eyes. “We’ve been together."
"My mind is still exploding over that, by the way. But you want to take a trip to Pound Town with the others, too, right?"
"I..." My brows draw together. "First of all, you don’t have to say it like that. Also, I don't know. I've never been with more than one person at a time." She grins.
"That's not what I'm asking. It doesn't matter if you've never done it before. Do you want to?"
"Maybe." The more I think about it, the more I believe it’s exactly what I want.
What the hell would that even look like? Would I sleep in a different person's bed every night? Would we all get one big bed and just… share?
"And Nix doesn't care?"
"He’s been encouraging it. That’s why the whole thing is so much more confusing." My eyes fall to the ground before meeting hers.
"I don’t like men, but I think I’m jealous of you," she blurts out.
I scoff. "You’re jealous that I have no idea what's going on? "
"You have the opportunity to do the deed with not one but FOUR hot rockstars. Do you know how many people would kill to be in your shoes? Yes, men aren't MY type, but I would consider making an exception for those four."
"Can you not sexualize my boyfriend and his bandmates?" I roll my eyes.
"I'm serious, Alara. Think about what the four of them could do to you, together. Girl, they would have your toes curled and leave you with zero ability to function. Imagine the orgasms." She fake groans.
"Okay, that's enough." My cheeks heat as thoughts of all of them touching me at the same time overtake my mind.
"Pure orgasmic bliss." She laughs.
"Yep. Girl time is over. Get your booty out of here." I shake my head.
"You know you want it. Stop trying to be so bashful. Just admit it!"
"Okay, fine! I've thought about it. Happy?"
She shrugs. "This is about your happiness, bestie boo. It sounds like you need to get busy with some bandmates."
"Oh my god. You're insufferable."
"I know. That's why you love me. I just want you to promise me one thing," she says, seriousness now lacing her once playful tone.
"What's that?"
"Stay off social media. Stay out of the comment sections. Don't look at the news articles, and for the love of fuck, don't do any interviews by yourself." A deep crease forms between her brows.
I blink a few times, realizing the true impact of my immediate future. "They're going to tear me apart."
"They’ll try. But you won't partake in any of it because you're going to promise your best friend, right now. You’re too soft for that shit."
"Fine. I won't," I insist, even though the two of us both know at some point curiosity will win, and I will call her, bawling my eyes out over something that doesn’t matter.
"Good. I have to get going. I don't want to be late for work."
"Wait. We didn’t get to talk about you!” I pout. “How are things going with Gabby?"
"They're good. I think I'm in love with her."
"Rayne Tate in love?" I gasp.
"I knowwww. It's gross. Don't bother me about it."
"Why would I do something like that? What kind of friend would I be to poke fun at my bestie boo's relationship?" I blink a few times, trying my best to conceal a smile.
"Yeah, except I tease you because you need the extra push," she defends.
"And I appreciate you for it." I pull her in for a hug. "Seriously, though, you're in love with her?"
She pulls back and nods. "I haven't told her yet."
"I can't wait to hear all about it when you do."
"And I can't wait to hear about you getting dicked down by the whole band." She bolts toward the door. "Gotta run. "
"You’d better run." I try not to laugh as she blows me one last kiss while slipping on her shoes.
I make my way to the couch, flopping down.
Immediately, I feel my mind beginning to spiral.
Nix. River. Lane. My dream. The tour. Every time I have a moment of peace, there are always more questions.
Is it selfish to just want things to be normal?
No more surprises. No big revelation lurking around the corner.
Maybe writing will help. I open the notes app on my phone instead of walking to my room, and one word at a time, I let the words pour out.
The Shell
Two worlds collide
shedding skin from the old to no avail
A broken plate with missing pieces
Knowledge with longing that's constantly out of reach.
Drift through the waves from within
Floating in an endless sea
I drift
My body is whole, but it'll never be idle.
The war between want and need
An echo of a reflection haunting the trail ahead.
Every step forward fueled by pai n
Like phantom shards slicing away
Blood that hopes to take where there is nothing to give.
A false promise that should set me free.
Drift through the waves from within
Weight pulling me under
Grounded in strength and a need to carry on
but hiding everything to persevere.
I’m torn. I’m bruised.
Still, I drift.
I stare at the screen, reading it over and over. This poem is an ode to every frozen fracture of my mind, the broken plate being a symbol of the very real fact that while I am seemingly put together, I will never be the same.
With a deep sigh, I try to shake the feelings away and reach for the remote. Maybe watching something will help me decompress. When the television turns on, The Devil Wears Prada is playing. Is this the universe's way of telling me to follow my gut?
River, Lane, Ender, and Nix feel like my future.
Maybe it's time to stop being afraid of what that may mean.
I smile as I settle into the couch, watching the same movie that I fell asleep to the very night before.
The only difference is that this time, I find myself missing River's warm and comforting touch.