Chapter 26
Claire
I can do this.
I’ve been back to the MET without Charlie once. What’s one more time?
Just an emotional, hormonal mess, that’s what. Tell that to my shaking hands as we drive into the city.
“You okay?”
“Nope,” I say immediately.
He pulls over without hesitation. “What do you need?”
“Therapy.” I cackle, clearly losing it. Tears are already leaking from the corner of my eyes.
“What do you need right now?” he asks with a small smile on his face.
“It’s still so hard to come back here. I know the last time we did I had a total breakdown, and I really hoped that was the end of it, but all I can see is Charlie’s body. It’s not even what’s he’s missed. It’s just seeing him and having to identify him. It all flashes back.”
“I can drop you off at my office and go alone,” he offers.
“No. No. This is like exposure therapy. I need to go. I’ll be okay. These damn hormones aren’t helping.” Lord knows I can’t ruin this investigation for him. If that means I stand there like a statue and then figure it all out after the fact, then so be it.
“You know I never want to put you in a position that is too much for you. It’s fine if you need more time. I have no clue about the hormonal side of things, but if you want food or literally anything to distract you, I’ll make it happen.”
He’s so understanding. I have no idea how to deal with someone so understanding.
“I’m okay. I promise.”
He looks at me for a couple of minutes before nodding and pulling back onto the road.
It gives me some more time to think—not that I need more, my God—but it’s hard to reconcile the old me, the version that was Nova, with this version. Everything is a struggle. It’s like everything I pushed down for the last couple of years is spewing up, making it so I can barely function.
I wasn’t lying about the therapy.
This Claire is one I’ve never met before.
Pre-Cano, I was lively and free. Then I was too focused on bringing Cano down to worry about anything else.
Now? I feel like I’m simultaneously drowning and lost. I have no clue who I am anymore, and it’s fucking scary.
I hate it. And I’m supposed to bring a tiny human into this world?
I can barely take care of myself right now.
My hand goes to stroke my belly.
Adam is the only person who makes me feel like I’m some version of myself.
But I can’t rely on him to figure my shit out. It’s not fair to either of us, or this baby. I owe it to all three of us to work on myself in order to be the best mother, and partner hopefully, to this new little family of mine.
Jesus, I hate this version of myself.
I shake my head at myself just as Adam pulls up to the MET. His hand lies gently on top of mine like a promise.
He’s here for me. I’m not alone. I can break down, and he will still be here to help me through it all.
We silently get out of the car and walk up to the main entrance.
“Hello there. We’re here to see Dr. Green,” Adam says with so much charm to the poor unsuspecting woman at the front desk.
“Sure, let me just call her.”
We wait less than two minutes before a frantic young woman comes bustling out from the elevator.
“Hi! Hello. You must be Adam and Claire.” She holds her hand out to shake ours.
We nod and stand a little shocked. She’s young, a hell of a lot younger than I anticipated. Probably my age or a little younger. She’s also very frazzled.
“Sorry, I get lost in research and lose track of time. Right this way.” She gestures to the elevator she just vacated.
“Thanks so much for agreeing to see us, Dr. Green,” Adam says as soon as the doors close.
“Masie, please. And I’m happy to help.”
It takes a few minutes to reach her office, but once we’re there, the visual representation of the woman in front of me is plain as day.
There are papers and half-open books on every surface.
Her bookshelves aren’t organized in any manner, and the seating area is set up more like a desk since hers is almost completely unusable.
“So sorry for the mess. I have ADHD and a severe lack of organization. It’s not the greatest combo when it comes to research.” She gives a self-deprecating smile. “I do know where everything is, shockingly enough.”
“Impressive,” I mutter.
“Thanks!” She beams.
My cheeks heat that she heard me.
“So, we’re hoping you could give us some information on a couple of artifacts.
“Perfect. If I don’t have answers, I’ll find them for you. Research is my game.” She gestures to her office.
I can’t help but smile. She’s a mess, but in the best kind of way. She’s confident in her abilities and owns her not-so-great qualities. She doesn’t hide who she is and is so confident.
I’m jealous. This is exactly who I want to be for this baby growing inside of me. Confident yet human. Mistakes will happen, and I just need to find a way to be okay with that.
Adam pulls out pictures of a samurai sword and a couple of sculptures that they intercepted. “What we really need to know is where these items have been. If we can get the last known owner, that would be extremely helpful toward out investigation.”
“Ooh, yes, I can manage that. This one …” Masie taps the samurai sword. “Is this what I think it is?”
“The Honjo Masamune? Yes, it is.” Adam smiles.
“Holy crapsicles,” Masie whispers, causing me to laugh uncontrollably. “Sorry. I creatively cuss because I run most of the children’s programs here.” She gives me a genuine smile.
“I kind of love it,” I admit.
“Thanks.” She perks up. “So how quickly do you need information on these?” she asks Adam.
“As soon as you can. I understand it may take some time, but our investigation is pretty dependent on knowing where all of these came from or who would have interest in them.”
“Understandable. I can’t guarantee anything, but I would say I’ll have something to you within the week. I’ll hyper-fixate on it so I should make good time.” Masie grins.
“Uh, okay, that would be great. Thank you.” Adam peeks over at me like he’s unsure how to handle this tiny bundle of energy. “Here’s my card. Give me a call if you need anything.”
I’m still trying to contain my laughter as we stroll out of her office.
“You want to walk around while we’re here?” Adam asks once we’re on the main floor once more.
“Sure.” Talking to Maise has given me some kind of distance from my fear, so I may as well take advantage of it.
We mosey over to the Greek and Roman area before either of us says anything.
“How are you doing?” Adam asks me.
“Honestly? I have no clue. Right this minute, I feel okay. I don’t feel like the walls are closing in, or like I’m lost or have zero clue what I’m supposed to do.”
“Is that how you’ve been feeling lately?”
“Ever since Lex took me away from New Rochelle and I took a pregnancy test.” I nod.
“How can I help?”
“I have no fucking clue.” I chuckle humorlessly. “I think I’ve been avoiding everything with Charlie and Cano, but my brain is saying, ‘No can do, girlie.’ It’s time to face it all. I only have four months to this one here, and I want to be … healed, I guess, for them.” I rub my stomach.
“Makes sense, but you’ll be the best mom. I know it. Do you need to talk to someone?”
“Probably. Except I have no idea where I’m landing next week, let alone next month.
I don’t have a home that’s mine. I don’t have a job.
I just revamped my website so I could get a small income to live off of.
I’m not actually adding any posts to it right now.
I have nothing. Yet I need to work through all my shit in order to move to a place where I can get all of that solidified,” I ramble.
“You have a home,” he counters.
“Yeah, no. A safe house provided to me by the U.S. Government isn’t exactly my home.”
“We’re not going to kick you out.”
“I know that. But that also doesn’t mean that it’s mine. I don’t have a home base. I can’t work traditionally because who alone would even hire me this far? Hell, I have no clue what I’d even do.” I throw my hands up as we pass another sculpture that Charlie would have loved.
“I can talk to Woodcroft.”
“God, no. Your team has done so much for me already.” I’ve already more than taken advantage of their help. It makes me tear up again just to think about it. Dammit.
“Claire …”
“At some point, I need to figure out my life. What am I going to do, just stay at the safehouse and help you guys when you randomly need it? Eventually the case will close, and then what? Pop out this baby and live at a bare minimum?”
“There are options. We can help you. And you know damn well I wouldn’t let that happen. You have me even if you don’t realize it yet.” He looks so damn honest right now.
“You have already helped enough. I promise. I used to be Queen Independent, and now I feel like I don’t have an independent bone in my body. It’s time to get back to that. Well, as close as I possibly can.” I sigh.
“I’ll help however I can.”
“I know, and thank you. You’ve done more than enough, I promise.” And I mean that. His team and he have gone above and beyond.
“I feel like I should do more,” Adam says under his breath.
“Mr. I Need to Save the World.” I smirk up at him.
“It’s a character flaw, or so I’ve been told.” He sighs.
“Who said that?” I ask.
“My team. Juliette mainly.”
“I can’t imagine she has the best view of any of you when she deals with all your macho asses all day every day.” I arch an eyebrow at him as I wipe the moisture away from under my eyes.
“You may have a point.” He chuckles.
“Seriously, though, I think it’s just time for me to start figuring things out. It’s been … two years. That’s long enough of putting my life on hold,” I say barely over a whisper. “And I can’t really delay any longer.”
“You have no idea how strong you really are.” Adam hooks his pinky finger in mine as we continue to walk.
“It doesn’t feel that way, but thank you.”
The rest of our time at the MET is a leisurely walk—no agendas, no multitasking, just quiet words about the pieces. It’s refreshing. There’s no focus on Cano or the artifacts. No questioning what the hell I’m doing, just … living. And it feels incredible.
Back at the house, I’m back to the doom and gloom. Adam had to leave to check on something for a different case in the area, and the knowledge that I have absolutely nothing else going on hits harder than I want it to.
As the sun sets, I grab a notebook off of the small desk in the corner and start a list.
Shit to do to get my life on track:
Get a phone
Check on the blog and see if it can be revived
Do I even want it to be revived?
Talk to Adam or Lex or Woodcroft about what needs to happen for me to leave this house
Start a list of what kind of job I want to do for the rest of my life.
Research them
Narrow them down
See how to jump in
Tread carefully around Adam
Pop a kid out in 19 weeks
I stare at the jumbled mess of a list, but it does jumpstart my motivation. I want to live, not just sit here and watch every day pass me by.
Whenever Adam gets back, I’ll talk to him about the phone situation. Lex had one for me when I moved here, but I didn’t want the connection to anything. My laptop was enough, but now it’s time to join the real world.
At some point, after writing a million random ideas and thoughts in the notebook, I fall asleep on the couch.
I don’t hear Adam come in, and I certainly don’t see him read all of my deepest thoughts that I left out in the open like a schoolgirl.
I’ll just chalk it up to my second trimester and having no clue how to navigate life anymore. I hope he doesn’t judge me too hard.