Chapter Eighteen
If You Knew
Siena, September 10, 2011, Dallas, TX
“A blindfold?” I raisedmy eyebrows at the strip of black silk in Ryan’s hands—the same one he’d kept in his nightstand in D.C.
He winked, settling Austin on one hip, then tied the ends behind my head, and grabbed my hand to help me out of the car. “Just a few steps, love.”
His arm around my waist was solid and warm. Loving. Reassuring.
All is behind us—the distant past and the recent, too. I released a long breath. A new chapter. All will be well now. Not well—great.
I let him walk me to our new rental house. He said it was so perfect, we may want to buy it. Inside, he leaned me against a wall as Guinness yelped and nuzzled at my legs.
“Keep your eyes closed until I say.”
Ryan removed the blindfold, then his footsteps diminished, along with Austin’s happy babbling.
“Now, love.”
I gasped at the sight of the light-filled living room with vaulted ceiling, wall-size windows, and a chic white-and-gray color scheme. It was furnished with a gorgeous charcoal leather sofa set and a large walnut-and-glass coffee table. In the middle of this idyllic suburban scene, stood my handsome husband with our perfect baby in his arms.
He stepped toward me and took my hand. “There’s something special for us in the bedroom.”
The master was larger than my parents’ and featured bay windows, an enormous, remodeled bathroom, and his-and-hers walk-in closets. A leather tray containing expensive champagne in a chrome ice bucket, along with two crystal flutes, stood on top of an oversized walnut dresser. The place smelled of fresh paint and stained wood.
Ryan put Austin down on a brand-new gray carpet and popped open the bottle. “Cheers, love.”
I took a sip. A hope in a glass—a promise of wonderful, happy things ahead. But the bubbles turned to sharp blades in my throat. I didn’t deserve wonderful, happy things.
He refilled our glasses. “Ready to see the rest?”
“Sure... I mean, of course.” Did my voice sound as dead to him as it did to me?
He frowned. “What’s up, Sie?”
This question had become as commonplace as “hey” and “see ya.”
“Nothing, just a little overwhelmed.”
He drained his glass, picked up Austin, and took me by the hand again. “Don’t be. This is good.”
The master bathroom had two facing vanities, each larger than our condo’s entire double sink. The giant kitchen was outfitted with matching stainless-steel appliances, long granite countertops, and a dizzying number of white cabinets. The floors were hand-scraped walnut. The formal dining room would comfortably seat ten, maybe twelve people. The living room had an oversized stacked-stone fireplace with an intricately carved mantel and matching built-ins on either side. I could set up my studio in the corner bedroom, which had natural light from two bay windows. Austin’s nursery was the size of our old bedroom, already painted the perfect shade of warm blue, and filled with tasteful espresso-toned nursery furniture.
My eyes burned and itched as I pushed away the memories of Connor’s wiggling eyebrows and tight smile.
“I’d had a little help from an interior decorator—with the big items.” Ryan beamed like a small boy who’d just finished a complicated building-blocks project. “I knew you’d want to add your touches.”
I nodded, hiding my eyes.
It’s in the past. Get over yourself.
“And look outside—” Through the window, the hot Texas sun was sinking into the earth in long, fiery streaks. “There is a fenced yard for Guinness, no need to walk him all the time—what do you think?”
You shouldn’t have bothered so much for me.
“It’s perfect,” I said.
I’d considered telling him about my stint of raving lunacy. Just come out and say that I’d lost my mind, that he means everything to me. Stupid, shallow words. Words that could never undo my hideous act.
Ryan studied my face as I stood in the nursery, watching Austin test the durability of his new crib.
“C’mon, Sie. What’s up?”
“Nothing, just tired.”
He circled his arms around me. “Hey, I know it’s been rough—working, taking care of Austin by yourself, packing. But you did great, and it’s all over now. You’re here, love. The past is in the past.”
I swallowed a sickening lump.
He straightened with decision. “All right, let’s hit the sack early. You go get ready, and I’ll put Austin to bed.”
Mechanically, I washed my face, applied eye cream and moisturizer, and climbed into an oversized sled bed with a spindle headboard. Like the dresser, it was made of a solid slab of masculine walnut. I did tell Ryan to order whatever he liked.
I affected sleep when he returned, but he pulled me close. His hands traveled down my back, pressed my numb body into his. “God, I missed you,” he said into my neck.
I almost choked on another lump. You wouldn’t have if you knew.
He pulled down my panties and scooted down. I brought my thighs together.
He raised his head. And eyebrows. “What’s up, Sie? Tell me what you need.”
I don’t deserve pleasure. The tears welled up despite my superhuman effort to stop them.
“Christ—” He stared, horrified. “Do you hate the house?”
“No, it’s beautiful.”
He gathered me into a hug. “What is it, love?”
Tell him. Tell him who you are.
“I’ve been a very bad girl.” I wrenched myself from him, sick with the wrongness of how it sounded.
No, not a bad girl. A stupid, drunken idiot.
“Have you?” He didn’t sound convinced.
“Yeah. Very.”
He frowned. “You sure?”
He’d read me right. I didn’t want to play. I never wanted anything less.
I stared ahead. “Yeah.”
He stroked the inside of my thigh, his hand warm and firm. “Go on.”
“Remember when you worked through the night?” I dug my fingernails into my palms, heart racing a hundred miles per hour.
Tell him. Just tell him and be done.
“Which night?”
If I gasped any louder, I’d have wailed. It was too much. Too fucking much.
“I...I thought...”
He’ll walk out, never to return.
The small groove between his eyebrows deepened. “Sie, c’mon, what’s wrong?”
“I thought that you...” I swallowed bile. “That you were—”
No. Never.
“I used the Cowboy without your permission. Twice.” My breathing was a pathetic mixture of agony and mourning.
His eyes filled with alarm. “Christ, you don’t actually think I meant it? Use it all you want. That’s why I got it for you.”
I couldn’t do this anymore. Another moment, and I’d break his heart.
I sat up and removed my tank top. “I’ve been a bad girl, Ryan.”
Jaw tight, he shook his head. “We’re never doing long distance again. On your hands and knees.”
The few slaps he’d delivered were warm and lingering, meant to arouse rather than punish. His hand slipped down, firm and skilled. I moaned, despite myself. Oh no, you will not enjoy this. I turned to him. “Think of the most demeaning things you can do. Make it count, Ryan. Do your worst.”
He straightened. “What the hell is going on, Sie?”
“I don’t deserve pleasure,” I mumbled. Only pain and degradation.
He rubbed his forehead, then pulled me to him with a stiff arm. “What happened in D.C.?”
The question lingered in the air like a warning. I blinked away my sorrow. I must have lost my mind.
“What—?” I shook myself, made my voice light. “Was that...too much?”
Outside, the sky had dimmed to muddy purple and dark indigo. Amidst the clouds the harvest moon hung low above the world, illuminating every hidden thought and unforgivable transgression.
“No, it’s not too much.” Ryan studied me with unblinking eyes, his rigid contours at odds with his words. “But that’s not you.”
His urgent need must have been the reason he’d gleaned that little. A tidal wave of relief hit me so hard, I would have swayed if I weren’t lying down. My skin was suddenly too tight for my body. How despicable to be grateful for my husband’s desire not for its own sake but because it saved me from telling the truth.
“No, you’re right.” I dropped my gaze, yearning for a shower and my red antiseptic soap. “I just...all that stress has gotten to me, I think.”
He gave a slow nod. “Yeah, all that money wasn’t worth it.”
I gulped. “No.”
He pulled me closer, stilling himself. “Let’s sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.”
“Okay.” I tried to breathe him in, but the tears stinging my nose dulled his beautiful scent.
“It’s all over now,” he murmured into my hair. “Sweet dreams, Sie. I love you.”
I rubbed at my eyes in a gesture of sleepiness, surreptitiously wiped my hand on the blanket.
You wouldn’t if you knew.