Chapter Thirty-Seven
Looking to the Future
Neave, August 18, 1565, Ulster, Ireland
Gaining my husband’sattention proved no easy task. When he wasn’t with his officers, he was engaged with his concubines. And when he tired of them, he returned to his officers. As for me, he ceased visits to my chamber after my announcement of pregnancy and hadn’t sought my company thence.
A full sennight had passed since Maura’s departure—I could wait no more. Thus, following a bath and a rose-oil rub, I donned my loveliest shift, applied a bit of cherry stain to my cheeks and lips, and headed to Tiernan O’Donnell’s chamber. For a short eternity, I stood outside, ear pressed to his door, heartbeat in my throat. But all seemed quiet, so I drew a long breath and pushed it open.
The scene inside made me wish for another bath. My husband was reclining on the bed’s edge while Ciara knelt before him, her head bobbing up and down—whether of her volition or on account of his commanding it with a hand, I couldn’t tell. Not to be outdone, Fiadh crouched beside him on the bed, seeking his reluctant kiss while he lazily squeezed her breast with his free hand.
Quiet as a mouse, I closed the door. The hinges groaned with a harsh creak. He lifted his head and regarded me with hooded eyes. Then, brows raised, he shoved Fiadh aside and fisted Ciara’s hair to halt her. She raised her head and turned.
“To what do we owe the pleasure of your visit, wife?” His voice was hoarse and low, but gaze waxed clear and cold.
I bit the inside of my lip, furious heat flooding my chest and face. “I’ll call another time, m’lord. Apologies for having intruded upon you.”
He frowned. “I trust such an intrusion is not without good reason.”
I backed away into the corridor. “Merely a word, m’lord. But it can wait.”
“Come in, wife.” He gave Ciara a nudge, and she drew back with a suppressed scoff.
He stood, unclothed and at full mast. “Leave us, lasses.”
Scowling, the concubines grabbed their léine and headed to the door. I followed them with my eyes, stomach hard as a rock. Not once until now had I wished to join them.
O’Donnell moved to stand before me. “You have my unbroken attention, wife.”
He was the one disrobed, but it was I who stood denuded and shamed. I swallowed against my parched throat.
He stepped closer.
Heart thumping, it was all I could do not to recoil. Of all my tasks, I’d fancied this would be the easiest. A grievous misjudgment.
He tightened his jaw, widened his stance. “I warn you, wife, if this is yet another test of my patience, you’ll rue it.”
I cleared my throat, made my voice beseeching and uncertain—it wasn’t difficult. “I wish only...only to send my daughter to fosterage at Castle McConway, m’lord.”
He cocked his head, eyes narrowing. “To what end?”
Behind us, his bed stood unmade: discarded quilt, crumpled sheets. disorderly pillows. You thought it would be easy?
I tore my gaze from what surely awaited me and locked it on his detestable face. “I’ve done much contemplating in my quiet solitude and received the wise and timely counsel of my friend, Lady Maura, withal.” With great flourish, I placed a trembling hand on my small swell. “I wish to look to the future, m’lord.”
A mixture of surprise and distrust passed in his eyes as he searched my face. But he must have glimpsed the truth, for I told no lie. He took my hand and brought it to his chest. His heart drummed an accelerated but steady roll.
I quelled my racing mind. What could he do that he hadn’t already done?
“It pleases me to hear you say this, m’lady,” he murmured, sliding my hand down to his arousal. “But you’ve caught me wanting. Would you attend to me?”
I stood, rooted to the floor, heartbeat pulsing in my ears. I’d scrub my skin with sand after. I’d rip this new indignity from my mind. And when the time came, I’d ride fast as the wind. Home, home, home.
“M’lord.” I fixed my mind’s eye on Benburb. My Aedan.
It was over quickly, yet he neither dismissed me nor made a move to retire. So I remained where I was, shivering with equal parts cold, shame, and fury.
“Do I have your leave to foster my babe, m’lord?” I choked out.
He shook his head, and I pushed my tears to the farthest corner of my mind.
“As you are with child, I’ll have no expectation of your wifely duties—” He stared me down with clear, cold eyes. “But I do wish to put the past behind us and begin anew.”
“As do I, m’lord—” I swallowed bile. Might he mistake my heating skin for contrition? “As well as my lamentable impudence and discourtesy.”
Is it my love’s demise you seek, Tiernan O’Donnell, with me a means to an end? So help me Brigid, it’s your own disgrace you’ll find.
He gave an approving nod. “It heartens me to hear you speak reason, m’lady. In return—is there aught you desire? Aught you lack?”
My vision blurred, limbs grew heavy and numb. He’d beat me at my game, and Aine was to remain here, in great peril. I dropped my gaze to hide my swimming eyes, but this small gesture served me better than I could have hoped.
He nodded. “So you do.”
“Bronagh...” I let the tears drop. “She treats me roughly and with no regard for my rank. And when I did my penance, she made me scrub my chamber pot until my hands bled.”
He blinked away an unmistakable flicker of amusement. “You ought’ve come to me sooner, m’lady.” His watery eyes seemed too calm for his affected displeasure. “Would it content you if Bronagh scrubbed every chamber pot in my castle?”
“It would, m’lord,” I said, clinging to a new hope, “as well as not having her attend to me henceforth.” Mayhap, without Bronagh’s hounding my every step, I’d manage to smuggle my babe out of Tyrconnell.
He stroked my belly, suppressing a yawn. “I’ll arrange for your daughter’s departure on the morrow. You may send with her any such items and garments you wish.”
My knees nearly buckled, but I stilled myself and reached to smooth his coarse hair. “I thank you, m’lord...” I gulped, heart thudding. “As I’d not seen my kin in three months’ time, may I beg your leave to accompany her?”
The change was immediate as the lines round his mouth tightened and he shoved my hand away.
I’d foreseen as much, yet my heart shrank inside my chest. But this wasn’t the time for anguish.
Breath hitching, I dug my fingernails into my palms, schooled my mind to calm. “For but a day’s visit, m’lord—”
He squared his shoulders, crossed his arms. “D’you take me for a fool, wife?”
It would have been less shameful for you this way, Tiernan O’Donnell. You cast your own lot.
“It’s hopeless, isn’t it, m’lord?” I whispered, fittingly wretched. “I’ve forfeited your trust for all time.”
He squeezed my chin between his thumb and index finger and pressed his lips to mine. “My trust is to be earned with righteous deeds and proper conduct, not given for a pleasing word or a petty favor.”
“My gratitude for your generosity, m’lord,” I breathed against his lips, all my life’s blood boiling inside me. “I’ll endeavor to awe you with my deeds and daze you with my conduct.”