Chapter 17
Lucy stared at the computer screen, unable to focus, the words blurring together. It was an uphill battle to muster up the motivation for work. Her mind insisted on wandering back to Aidan and his cold greeting.
She felt like a fool. From the minute she arrived on school grounds, she had been a mess. She acted like a love-sick puppy, gripping the fence to steady her wobbly legs and keep her from running straight into his arms.
Aidan looked at her and nodded. He nodded. His expression had been blank, his posture stiff, making the nod feel like a dismissal or an obligation he reluctantly needed to fulfill.
Sure, they were only sleeping together,but did he have to act thatcasually?
Then again, what had she expected? He was working and surrounded by kids. Did she think he would run over and kiss her? Slam her against the fence and do inappropriate things with her? No, but she had hoped for more than a nod. An excited look or a cheesy grin, some gesture to let her know he was crazy about her.
Like an idiot, she cried the entire walk home. Feelings of past rejections reared their ugly heads and harassed her memories. What was her problem, and why did she let him affect her this way? Casual relationships weren’t supposed to cause this much pain and confusion; they were supposed to be easy.
Her biggest fear had always been ending up like her mother, yet she always found herself on the same path, falling for men who only wanted sex.
Slamming a fist on the table, she rattled the third cup of coffee, spilling its contents over the rim. Of course, Aidan only wanted her for sex; that was the agreement they made. That was the epitome of friends-with-benefits. The truth was, they weren’t friends at all. She knew nothing about him besides a few facts shared here and there, but nothing on a deeper friendship level. Their time together was purely sexual, and she rushed out before the intimate small talk began.
Damn, Abbey for being right all along. Her sister knew what Lucy had tried to deny from the start. Now, it was too late; there was no way she was admitting she wanted more. A future with Aidan was doomed the minute she convinced him all she wanted was sex.
The realization made her stomach churn. There was only one explanation for the way he made her feel. The weak in the knees, gut-wrenching ache to be with him could only mean one thing; she was falling head over heels for this man. Meaningless sex was not enough, and most likely, it never had been. She didn’t want casual; she wanted Aidan.
Lucy ran her hands over her face and shoved back from the table, grunting.
“Rough day at the office?” Abbey stood in the kitchen, holding a fresh cup of coffee.
Lucy jumped.
“How long have you been standing there,” Lucy snapped.
Abbey raised a brow as she calmly drank her coffee. “Long enough to witness you fighting some unseen demon over there.”
Lucy sighed. “Myself, I’m the demon I’m fighting. I’m such, as the locals say, a feckin’ eejit.”
Abbey looked at her smugly. “Oh, I see, this isn’t about work. Could it be about Aidan?”
Lucy glared at her sister. “Yeah, yeah. I said I was an idiot, okay? You were right, and I should have listened.”
Abbey lifted a shoulder and continued casually sipping her coffee.
“I like him. I really like him.” Lucy ran her fingers through her hair. “Ahh, I sound like a hormonal teenager.”
“Adults have hormones, too,” Abbey commented, trying to act indifferent while Lucy vented and worked through her emotions.
“I just couldn’t stay away.” Lucy yanked her mug off the table, spilling more coffee from the nearly full cup.
“Careful there, don’t take it out on the poor coffee.”
Lucy set the mug back down and paced in front of the table. “You told me casual was a horrible idea. You warned me to stay away from Aidan.”
“Wait a minute.” Abbey held up one finger. “I never said that.”
“Yes, you did,” Lucy stopped pacing. “I told you he wanted to be friends with benefits, and you said that was a bad idea.”
Abbey nodded. “Ok, I did say that. But I never told you to stay away from Aidan. Is that why you snuck around? Because you thought I disapproved of him?”
Lucy bit her lip. “Maybe. I knew you would lecture me about our arrangement, and I thought you didn’t like Aidan on some level.”
“I like Aidan,” Abbey said. “I really like him for you. I told you to fish or cut bait, but that had nothing to do with Aidan and everything to do with you. You have had feelings for him from the moment you two met, but continue insisting it’s only ever been about sex.”
Lucy sighed. “Good sex.”
“It’s deeper than that, and you know it,” Abbey’s tone was gentle. “It takes a lot for sex to be that good every time; normally, it’s a clear sign of deeper emotions. And don’t give me that crap about Norbert. You were a different person back then, one with severe daddy issues. That sex was good because of the emotional connection you craved at the time.”
Lucy looked down, darting her eyes from side to side as she processed those words. “I never thought of it that way.”
Abbey bowed. “You’re welcome. This therapy session is free of charge.”
Lucy gave a half-smile and slowly lowered into the chair. “All that stuff about Aidan doesn’t matter, you know. Even if I admit I’m smitten, and yes, maybe I want more than a few hours of sex, it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t want the same thing.”
“Are you sure?”
“He was the one who brought it up. He seemed relieved to hear I didn’t want a relationship and was quick to offer causal sex whenever I wanted.” She slumped down in the chair. “He hardly even acknowledged me this morning.”
“This morning? When you dropped the girls off?” Abbey narrowed her eyes. “What happened?”
Lucy huffed out a breath. “Nothing. I saw him, and when he looked at me, he turned serious and nodded. It was such a stiff nod like I was the annoying sister of your best friend. You know the nod I’m talking about; it’s an acknowledgment, so you don’t come off rude, but it doesn’t invite further communication. It’s the brush-off nod.”
Abbey stifled a laugh. “Wow, Lucy, you analyzed the crap out of that nod. And this is the real reason for your frustration,” Abbey said, pushing her hip off the counter. “But, you only have yourself to blame. You’re mad at Aidan for giving you exactly what you requested.” She picked up a towel and wiped crumbs into a pile. “You didn’t want a relationship. He agreed to your terms, and now you’re annoyed.”
“Honestly, I don’t know what I want, and that annoys me.”
Abbey narrowed her eyes and studied her sister. “I think you’re hiding behind that excuse. You use it a lot to justify your frustration. I think you know what you want; you’re just afraid of what that means.”
Lucy shook her head. “I’m not ready for a relationship.”
“Timing doesn’t always work in our favor.” Abbey brushed the crumbs into her palm. “Maybe you do want a relationship but are afraid to ask for it. Perhaps you hope Aidan will be the one to ask you and to fight for something more serious. After all you’ve been through with Jeremy, you deserve a man who will fight for your honor.”
Lucy shook her head. “You’re such a helpless romantic.”
“Everyone needs a little romance.”
“I didn’t move here for romance.” Lucy sat forward, pulling her coffee toward her. “I came here to start over, to heal emotionally, and remove toxic people from my life.”
Abbey emptied her palm into the garbage bin. “And starting over doesn’t include finding love?”
“How can I fall in love when my heart is still broken?” Lucy toyed with her mug. “I didn’t expect Aidan. After that first night, I thought I would never see him again. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he would turn out to be my daughter’s teacher; that threw me for a loop.”
Abbey carried a wet towel to the table and wiped the spilled coffee.
“I don’t know what to do. I never meant to fall for him, but I have.” Lucy looked up at Abbey. “There I said it, you’re right, I’m mad about him.”
Abbey smiled triumphantly. “The first step is admitting you have a problem.”
“Haha.” Lucy rolled her eyes. “Fine, I have a problem, a huge problem. I can’t think straight. He consumes my thoughts day and night. I feel giddy every time he looks at me. I turn to jelly in his presence. I mean, look at me; I’m an emotional wreck just thinking about him. I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell him,” Abbey said. “Tell him exactly what you just told me.”
Lucy’s eyes widened, and she shook her head vehemently. “I can’t do that. Have you been listening? He doesn’t want anything serious, and today’s little nod makes that pretty clear.”
Abbey straightened, the smile fading from her lips. “Listen, you have the same two choices I mentioned before. You either need to tell him how you feel and damn the consequences, or walk away and forget about him. You can’t continue like this; you’ll drive yourself insane.”
“I tried to walk away,” Lucy mumbled. “I tried to ignore him. But every time he calls, I go running.”
“You do sound like an addict,” Abbey said. “Are you hooked on Aidan or the feelings he gives you?”
“Is there a difference?” Lucy asked.
Abbey sighed. “Of course, there is. Addicts live for the high; normally, they need help for their problems because that type of addiction only harms the user. Real personal feelings and connections lead to something deeper, like a relationship, which can heal you.”
“A relationship can hurt you too,” Lucy mumbled. “Look at Mom, she loved Dad, and all he did was hurt her. Same with Jeremy, we had a real relationship.”
“Mom is an addict. She was addicted to alcohol and Dad.” Abbey stared down at the counter. “I think you were an addict too. Jeremy made you feel something that wasn’t real, and you became addicted to the hope that he was better than Dad. Maybe the addiction was proving you were better than Mom. We both wanted to be better than Mom.”
Lucy opened her mouth to protest, but no words came. Abbey made a valid point. What she felt for Jeremy had been real at first, but somewhere along the way, she fell out of love with the person and in love with the idea of what could be.
“You’re scared of becoming like Mom, aren’t you?” Abbey’s voice was soft, gentle. “To be stuck in a relationship you think is real, unable to admit when it’s over.”
“I was Mom.” Lucy felt tears welling in her eyes. “I was just like Mom for so long, and, you’re right, Jeremy was my drug. I wanted him to be my knight in shining armor, but he turned out to be the dragon who locked me in the tower.
“I gave him my world, but it was never enough. I lost myself in him, and I’m scared to death I’m doing it again. I’ve been a fool, sacrificing my wants and needs to keep Aidan in my life. Even knowing all he wants from me is sex.”
“Aidan isn’t like Jeremy,” Abbey said. “I think you put up walls with him, forced his hand, and he said what you wanted to hear.”
“You think he wants more?” Lucy asked.
Abbey shrugged. “I think it’s possible, but you won’t know for sure unless you ask.”
Lucy allowed herself to hope for a brief moment.
Then, she thought back to this morning and the indifferent nod. There had been no emotion when he looked at her; his face hadn’t lit up, and he gave off an annoyed vibe. His entire demeanor matched their relationship, something causal that meant nothing outside the bedroom.
Lucy felt her lip quiver. “I’m pretty certain he only wants sex.”
Abbey’s cell phone vibrated along the counter. Picking it up, she glanced at the caller ID. “Crap, it”s Maeve. I have to take this. Don’t give up before talking to him; all hope is not lost unless Aidan says it is.”
Abbey cheerfully answered the phone and returned to her makeshift office in the living room. Lucy was grateful for the interruption; she was on the verge of tears talking about Aidan. The weeks of sneaking around and throwing herself into work were taking a toll on her.
It was clear Lucy was at a crossroads. She could continue down this path of casual sex, knowing it wouldn’t lead anywhere, and end up hurt. Or, she could rip the band-aid off and walk away. It would still hurt if things ended now, but the longer she waited, the more complicated things would become.
Of course, there was Abbey’s option; she could confess her newfound feelings. That was a scary thought; once the words were out, she could never take them back. And, if Aidan doubled down on his ‘not a relationship type of guy’ stance, they would be done. Once two people openly admit they want different things, the dynamics change and the relationship can’t survive.
So, once again, Lucy had two options. Keep going as if nothing had changed, or walk away. Pushing her laptop to the side, she placed her head on the table and closed her eyes.
Everything always circled back to Jeremy, and in a way, he destroyed her. In the beginning, their relationship had been thrilling. Like a scene from a movie, he swooped in and whisked her off on a fantasy adventure. Lucy had been seventeen when she walked away from her life. She was a good student and mere months away from graduating, but she dropped out to run off with a man she hardly knew.
Everything seemed perfect for the first two years, but maintaining the nomadic lifestyle was difficult. Over time, they needed to settle in areas for extended periods to work and earn money. But Jeremy was restless; he hated staying in one place for too long. He struggled to find and keep a job, and Lucy was no longer enough for him. Lucy was crushed when Jeremy openly admitted the truth.
“Ah, come on, Luce, I’m a man. I have needs. It means nothing; you’re the one I come home to. I love you.”
The first cracks began forming in her heart. She was miles from home with nowhere to go. Jeremy had saved her, only to make her feel like a prisoner.
Convinced they loved each other, she allowed it to be enough that he came back to her every night, knowing it was meaningless sex with strangers. After a year, the hours away from her turned into full nights and several days. Each time he came home, she half listened to his flimsy excuses and cried in the shower while he slept. But still, she stayed.
Every time they moved to a new place, she silently prayed things would be different. She let herself believe that if she allowed him freedom, eventually, he would get it out of his system and finally settle down with her. All the while, she refused to believe she was anything like her mother. Even on the nights she passed out drunk, crying for Jeremy, she still told herself she was better than her mother and refused to believe Jeremy was anything like her father.
Shortly after her twenty-first birthday, Lucy discovered she was pregnant. Excitement overwhelmed her as she stared at the double lines on the pregnancy test. Things would be different now. A baby would change everything. Jeremy would be forced to commit to her, and they could finally settle into one place.
Jeremy was less than thrilled.
“A baby?” He yelled. “What are we going to do with a baby? It’s hard enough to feed you. Not to mention, I”m putting up with all your whining. Now I have to listen to a crying baby?”
That night, Jeremy stayed away for three weeks. In hopes of making him jealous, she sought out her first one-night stand. But you can’t make someone jealous if they aren’t around.
She liked to think that if it hadn’t been for the pregnancy, she would never have taken him back, but that wasn’t true. Jeremy was a master manipulator; in the end, he always convinced her they belonged together.
When Lucy was eight months pregnant, they returned to Oregon and lived in the tiny back bedroom of a small trailer belonging to a guy Jeremy had recently met. Four days after moving in, Jeremy was gone. Lucy woke up alone in a stranger’s home, a scribbled note lying on the pillow.
I can’t do this. I’m not ready to be a father.
It was the first time Lucy felt truly alone in a long time. With her tail between her legs, she packed what little she had and went home to her mother. Abbey had recently moved in with her boyfriend, and Lucy refused to impose on their life. Instead, she listened to endless lectures and ridicule from the woman she swore never to speak to again.
If only she had been stronger and made a pact with her unborn child to never allow Jeremy back into their lives. She would have saved them both from years of heartache and feeling like a hamster on a wheel of broken promises. Her mother was of little help, constantly berating her life choices and pounding into her the belief that Jeremy needed to be a part of their life.
On the plane to Ireland, Lucy swore she would never go back there. Never give a man the power to dismiss her so easily, to come and go as he pleased with no regard for how it affected her. Not only did she need to guard her heart, but she had a duty to protect her daughter. Lucy despised her mother, hated her for being absent when she was a child, for trying to force her twisted beliefs onto her and her unborn child, and for allowing men to treat both of them like playthings.
Falling into this friends-with-benefits cycle with Aidan had been too easy, like a bad habit she couldn’t break. In one instance, she was right back in the loop of sex with no commitment. She couldn’t keep going on like this, not when what she felt for him was so much deeper than casual sex.
She was already in over her head, but that wasn’t an excuse to continue on a path of self-destruction. Aidan didn’t feel the same, and it was hopeless for her to believe he might come to his senses someday. She wasted seventeen years waiting for Jeremy to choose her; she wouldn’t put her heart through that again.
A big decision needed to be made, and she couldn’t take it lightly. Thankfully, the winter holidays were just around the corner.
“I have some amazing news!” Abbey burst into the room, forcing Lucy back into the present. “That was Maeve. Her friends have an amazing beach house in Spain. They want this rental to be a featured property of our agency.”
“That’s great,” Lucy agreed.
“I haven’t gotten to the best part yet,” Abbey said, grabbing Lucy’s arms. “She wants me to go and stay there for a week. I have to work a little, but it’s Spain!”
Lucy’s eyes widened. “That’s fantastic.”
“I’ll have to find local excursions, try all the restaurants, and, of course, spend some time on the beach,” Abbey said. “The best part is I can take all of you with me.”
This was just the break Lucy needed. If she were in another country, she wouldn’t be at Aidan’s beck and call. Maybe she could finally gain some perspective and reflect on what she truly wanted with him.