Chapter 19
Lucy stepped into the steaming tub, eagerly anticipating a long soak. After spending the entire day at the beach, followed by some of the best seafood she had ever tasted, she was ready for some alone time.
As soon as they returned from dinner, the girls rushed to their shared room to watch the latest episode of their favorite show. Lucy took that moment to sneak away, leaving Abbey and Rob alone, secretly hoping they would resolve their issues.
The hot water burned at her skin as she sank through the bubbles. Her eyes closed as she lay back, feeling her tense muscles relax. This was heaven.
Through the wall, giggles erupted. Kaylee and Lola were kindred spirits, two souls destined to find one another. These were the moments Lucy was reassured that moving had been the best decision for both of them. If nothing else, Kaylee deserved to be surrounded by adults who wouldn’t fail or disappoint her at every turn.
There was no denying that Jeremy was a lousy dad. Lucy constantly felt guilty for being the one who chose him in the first place. For years, he popped in and out of their lives, never staying long enough to become an integral part of it. When he did show up, he expected Lucy and Kaylee to drop everything and run to him with open arms. While with them, he made countless promises and swore every time things would be different. He enthusiastically planned adventures with Kaylee, promising to watch her school play or soccer games. Every word was a lie, constantly creating false hope in their child and leaving Lucy to pick up the pieces of her daughter’s broken heart. Lucy knew all too well what a father’s rejection felt like
There was a time when Lucy felt superior to her mother; she thought her relationship with Jeremy was deeper and more sincere than what her parents shared. Unlike her own father, Jeremy actually acknowledged Kaylee’s existence. On the other hand, Lucy”s father never seemed to remember he had children. He showed up for only one reason. Not once did he acknowledge Lucy or Abbey, not even a grunt or nod in their general direction. At least Jeremy gave Kaylee attention before dragging Lucy off to the bedroom. Somehow, Lucy had thought that was enough to make him different and her better than her mom.
The truth was Jeremy never cared about Kaylee; he was a master manipulator. He knew the only way to guarantee Lucy would sleep with him was by giving all his attention to Kaylee. He played her emotions like a fiddle, and it worked every time. Like a prostitute, Lucy traded sex with Jeremy as payment for spending time with Kaylee.
Thank goodness she finally came to her senses. Last spring, Abbey called gushing about Ireland and begged Lucy to move there for about the twentieth time since moving over seven years ago. Abbey sounded so happy. It sent an aching through Lucy; she longed to know what true happiness felt like.
The routine with Jeremy was getting old, and she slowly realized he would never change. All the denial flew out the window; no matter how she twisted things, Lucy was exactly like her mother. Fear chilled her to the core as she imagined Kaylee continuing the cycle. Would Kaylee try to escape the life Lucy had provided her, only to be manipulated by a man just like her father?
No!
Lucy had to break this cycle.
“I’m done, Jeremy.” Lucy pulled him into the back bedroom, not missing the glare Kaylee shot her while shoving headphones over her ears. “I want us to have a real relationship.”
Jeremy smirked. “I’ll do whatever you want, baby. Let’s get naked and talk about it.”
Lucy’s back stiffened. “No. I’m not getting naked with you. Things need to change. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what?” Jeremy acted oblivious.
“You show up for a few weeks every couple of months,” Lucy said, exasperated. “Then you disappear, and we don’t hear from you. You’re out there living a completely separate life from us. Yet, you expect Kaylee and I to sit back and wait for your return.”
Jeremy reached out to gently caress her cheek. “I just want you to wait for me.”
She smacked his hand away. “Me, wait for you? You’re out there sleeping with anything that moves and––.”
“Don’t!” Jeremy interrupted, eyes flashing. “I know you’re out there whoring around while I’m gone, so don’t act all high and mighty. I don’t care about that, as long as you’re with me when I’m in this house.”
Lucy sighed. “I’m tired of this––arrangement. I want to settle down, maybe have more kids.”
Jeremy laughed. “You can’t be serious.”
“I am serious.” Lucy stood her ground. “I want you to choose. If you want to be a free spirit, fine, I want more, and Kaylee sure as hell deserves more.”
Jeremy rolled his eyes. “You want me to give her more attention? Is that what this is about? Your dad didn’t love you enough, and you’re going to put the pressure on me? What do you want me to do? Take her to the circus, the amusement part? Name it, and I’ll do it.”
“I want you to act like a father!” Lucy shouted. Waving toward the bed, she continued, “I don’t want to spend time there; I want the three of us to spend time together. I want to be a family.”
Jeremy’s face turned hard. “I love you. I’ve always loved you, Luce; you know that, right?”
“I want you to love her.” Lucy nodded toward the living room.
Jeremy looked away. “I only want you.”
Lucy could feel her heart breaking. “We’re a package deal. You can’t love me and not her; she’s our daughter.”
Anger flashed in his eyes. “I never wanted her,” he whispered harshly. “I told you that. I want you, and only you. If I have to take her out occasionally to make you happy, I will. But you knew I didn’t want to be a father, and that will never change.”
He reached for her arm, but Lucy jerked away. The dagger had been stabbed into her belly, and she could no longer deny the truth.
“Come on, baby, we’re so good together.” Jeremy softened his tone, grabbing hold of her arm and jerking her into him. “Don’t you remember the good times we used to have? Traveling around, never knowing where we would end up, making love under the stars.”
“I remember sleeping on cold, hard park benches,” Lucy mumbled, pressing her palms against his chest. “You left me with strangers or to fend for myself while you spent the night warm in the beds of other women. It wasn’t all roses and rainbows for me; sure, you had it easy, but I hated that life. I won’t ever go back to it.”
Jeremy laughed, turning on his carefree charm and releasing his hold on her. “I’m a guy. We’re animals, assholes even. Sure, there were other girls, but you were the best. I always come back to you, you know that.”
Jeremy put his hands on her shoulders. His breath smelled of cigarettes and beer. Lucy felt her stomach turn. Was this really the man she had pined for all these years?
Gently, he moved a strand of hair behind her ear. “I did train you, after all.” He leaned down and whispered close to her ear, “I taught you just how to please me.”
Bile rose in her throat, and she felt nauseous.
He turned her toward the bed, pressing her back against his chest. “There, right there, is where we are perfect. Just you and me, no one else.” Jeremy kissed her neck. “I only come here for you and for this.” He violently grabbed her crotch. “If I can’t have this, there is nothing for me here.”
Lucy shoved him off of her. “Get out! Get out now!”
“If I leave now, I swear to you, I will never come back.” His eyes blazed as he glared down at her.
“Get out!” Lucy screamed, shoving and pushing him toward the bedroom door. “Get out! Get out! Get out!”
“He’s gone, Mom.” Kaylee was by her side, wrapping her arms around her waist.
Lucy slumped against the door jamb, tears streaming down her face. “I’m so sorry, baby, sorry for everything.”
They stood holding each other for a long time.
Two weeks later, Lucy packed their bags for Dublin while explaining to her mother all that had transpired.
“You’re being overly dramatic,” her mom said. “Give the man what he wants. It’s a win-win for everyone. Kaylee has a relationship with her father, and you get laid.”
“He doesn’t want to be a dad,” Lucy protested. “I don’t want to sleep with someone who can’t love my daughter, especially if that man is her father.”
“He’ll grow to love her; just give him time.”
Lucy rolled her eyes and tossed socks and underwear into the suitcase. “Like how Dad grew to love us?”
“That’s different.”
Lucy huffed out a breath. “I know what it feels like to see your father and know he despises you. I won’t do that to Kaylee, and I won’t repeat your cycle.”
“What cycle?”
Lucy had no desire to go down that road with her mother.
“We’re going to Ireland,” Lucy said firmly. “Kaylee and I. I miss Abbey, and I need to get away from here. I’m done with Jeremy and his games; if you don’t want to support that decision, that’s on you.”
She pushed the memories away; she was supposed to relax, not drudge up the past. Jeremy was ancient history, and her mother would never change. But what about her? Could she change? It seemed she had fallen right back in the cycle with Aidan. Their relationship was purely sexual, and Lucy knew she wanted more than Aidan was willing to give.
Why did he have to be Kaylee’s teacher? All she had wanted was a simple one-night stand with a stranger she would never see again. Instead, she had somehow managed to pick a guy she would continually run into.
As if on cue, her cell phone vibrated on the toilet seat where she had left it. Without looking, she knew it was Aidan.
Blood pulsed through her veins. She hated how her body reacted to him. Her fingers itched to read the text, but she kept them submerged, resisting the urge.
Closing her eyes, she tried to push her thoughts of Aidan away. Instead, she imagined him in the bath with her. Wet hair hanging loosely across his face, doing little to hide the desire burning from his eyes. With a bar of soap, he gently lathered up her leg, moving higher and higher until his fingers lightly grazed the tender folds between her thighs.
Lucy’s eyes popped open, and she sat up. That wasn’t helping.
Already regretting it, she toweled off her hands and snatched the phone off the toilet.
Happy Christmas
I hope your holidays have been well
I miss you.
Are you around?
A storm of emotions swirled inside as she read each message. Her body and mind were caught in a battle for control. Butterflies battered the walls of her stomach; arousal tingled through her veins; all the while, her brain was flashing warning lights.
Danger! Danger! Heartache ahead!
Ignoring her rational side, she responded.
In Spain. It’s warm.
It was all she could do not to confess how much she missed him. They had two very different meanings of the word miss. She missed him, the person. He missed the sex.
Sounds grand. It’s been manky here. Lashing and cold.
Heading to Cork for Christmas, don’t know why. My family’s half mad.
I would rather be there with you.
Or here with you or anywhere with you.
Her heart skipped a beat. Did he mean that?
My family is more than half mad, full-on, raging mad. Hiding in the bath from them now.
Maybe she shouldn’t have confessed that.
You’re in the bath.
The phone rang in her hand; he wanted to video chat.
Her stomach dropped. They just went from a nice, casual chat to a sexually charged one. Now, he knew she was naked and wanted to see for himself. That about summed up their relationship.
Tears burned at the back of her eyes as she stared at the screen, unable to accept the call. A minute ago, she allowed herself to believe they could have a deeper connection, something more than just small talk before sex.
She was way over her head, having fallen too far into a relationship that was supposed to be casual. The rules, unwritten as they may be, had been broken, and how she felt about Aidan was way past casual.
It was time to be honest with herself. What she said in that final fight with Jeremy still stood; she wanted more. She wanted a stable relationship and not just a sexual one. If she was honest, her relationship with Jeremy became more like friends with benefits after Kaylee was born. They had nothing beyond sex. Maybe they never did. Jeremy hardly knew anything about her, even though their relationship spanned over seventeen years. He didn’t know her biggest dreams or darkest fears because he never asked.
Had her relationship with Jeremy always been simply casual? Perhaps she had thought it was deeper because no one had taught her what a real relationship looked like. Her parents were a terrible example of anything resembling a healthy relationship.
Lucy sighed and set the ringing phone back on the toilet seat. She had to stop this before it went any further.
In a blinding epiphany, she realized she had no idea what came after the casual part of a relationship or how to navigate her way into something more serious. Although her sister was currently struggling, Lucy remembered Abbey and Rob in their earlier days. They had something she hadn’t witnessed before, positive communication. They openly shared their thoughts and feelings and genuinely wanted to make each other happy. No man had ever been concerned about Lucy’s feelings or happiness.
Moving to Ireland had been the first step toward changing her life, but nothing was different; she had already fallen back into old habits. Casual flings were an addiction, and she had to quit cold turkey.
Every ounce of her being ached to answer that video call. She wanted to hear Aidan’s voice and to see his face, especially if she teased him while naked in the bath. But that would be feeding the addiction. Any recovering addict will admit that no matter how much they love the drug, it will never love them back. The drug only wants to consume its user; it will take what it needs and leave you in worse condition than you started.
When the ringing finally stopped, Lucy sighed in relief. Before she could fully relax, the phone dinged as several text messages came through.
She had enough.
Drying her hands off again, Lucy grabbed the phone and deleted the message thread without reading a single text. Cold turkey, she told herself. With a shaking breath, she opened the contact page and stared at Aidan’s number. With one button, she could break the cycle, end the addiction, and start her detox. Inhaling, she held her breath and blocked his number before deleting his contact information from her phone.
Trembling, she let the phone slip from her grasp. Lying back, she sank beneath the water’s surface, hoping to cleanse him from her memories.