Panic Attack
Travis
I was bending over with my hands on my knees, trying to breathe when Creed stormed out to the hallway outside the conference room.
“What the fuck was that shit?” He was already going to jump down my throat.
“I can’t…fucking breathe.”
“Holy shit, are you having a panic attack?” Creed moved in front of me. “Fuck, is it a flashback?”
I gasped and he started counting. “Stay in the present. Breathe in, breathe out. One…two…three…”
My heart felt crushed, and my lungs felt too small. Flashes of a memory that involved Bolton and all the blood I saw as we evacuated that fucking compound in Afghanistan hit me, but I was seeing Wrenly in Bolton’s place.
“I’ll get Bolton.” Creed went to open the door.
“For God sakes, don’t you fucking dare.” She was the last person I needed to see.
“What the hell is going on, Irons? You’ve never flashed back or had a panic attack.” Creed was concerned.
“Say that name again.” I was still trying to breathe.
“Wrenly Carlson?” He was still lost.
“Where did she grow up?” I knew he would catch on.
“Outside Tulsa…what the…” He paused then gasped. “Jesus Christ! That’s her? That’s your girl back home?”
I shook my head. “I never earned the right to call her mine.” I was still trying to grasp back on to the present. To get my head out of that fucking sandbox and gain the reality of the present. That wasn’t Wrenly who was chained up and raped. I wasn’t in Afghanistan and the war was over.
“Irons, look at me.” I did and he spoke. “You’re in Cold Springs, Indiana. You live on Creed’s Lake and command eight units. You’re a civilian, your family is here, and in a few hours you’ll be playing with my daughter. Remember, you’re uncle Travis and in a few hours she will jump in your arms and tell you how much she missed you today. My wife is Morgan Rossi and she’s also your friend. Come back to the present and remember what we’re doing here. Breathe in and breathe out.”
I finally stood and looked around me. My hands went for my hair before I leaned against the wall and slid down it. “What the fuck were you saying in there about her?” My hands were shaking.
“You already heard it, but she’s safe and enjoying a five week vacation with her family. I swear to God, Irons. She’s safe.”
I looked up at him. “Missions, purple hearts, the fucking Marine Raiders and a special tactical unit?”
He sat next to me. “I’m sorry, I should have put the pieces together.”
I felt the first tear fall. “I left to protect her, not so she had to fight the same damn war as me! What did she see over there? What did they do to her?” I knew what they did to me and what I saw happen to Bolton. Bolton’s torture was still a nightmare that haunted me in my sleep. One of the reasons I was so fucking tired some days. No, Wrenly couldn’t have been over there. No fucking way.
“She is a grown woman that made her own choices. She signed up for it just like us.” He said.
“What was she running from? She was supposed to be a fucking veterinarian! How did this happen?” I wiped my tears away. “It was a flashback of Afghanistan, but it was Wrenly instead of Bolton.”
“Shit that’s tough.” He ran his hand down his face. “I get it, the last thing I would want is for Morgan to experience anything even close to what we have survived. But you have to remember, she’s obviously not a fragile little flower. She’s a decorated war veteran and a highly skilled one at that.”
“She had life by the balls when I left. She had a great dad, friends, she was playing sports, and spending her time with a kid I respected. It hurt like hell never going back to her. Day after day for fifteen years she was on my mind. I never really let go, and this whole fucking time she was special ops? She’s been injured? I just can’t…fuck this is killing me.” I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out. “I thought it would get easier with time. I even tried to make her hate me so she would have a better life without me. She was there the day they arrested me and the look on her face as she sobbed has haunted every single fucking hour I’ve lived since I left.”
He leaned his head against the wall then turned it to look at me. “Well, I guess you have a decision to make. You can either support our invitation to her. Let her come here where you can watch out for her. You can also show her how much you’ve grown and how you’ve finally accepted you’re not at fault for your brother’s kidnapping or the death of your Uncle. Your other choice is to not support it, and she can continue with the FBI. What you’ve learned in the past few years has changed you for the better. Hell, Creed’s Lake has changed all of us for the better. We’ve given you the police reports for the day your uncle died. It wasn’t because he was tired, and his reflexes were off. It was because he chose to jump in front of that woman and sacrificed his life for hers by taking that bullet. Your brother was kidnapped because of some psycho freaks, and even if you didn’t cry that day, it would have been the same result. It wasn’t you that distracted your mom, you know what happened now. You know it wasn’t your fault, and you know she was stalked for months. You got your closure for Bobby. Your parents failed you, and you are a good man that has forgiven himself for things that were out of your control. Maybe seeing her again will give the both of you a chance to find peace with your pasts.”
“It’s not that simple. I was so fucking selfish, and I don’t know if she could ever forgive me. I didn’t just stand her up for her very first high school dance, I always took her for granted. I was so absorbed with all the pity I had for myself that I let everyone down, including my uncle on the day of his funeral. We were only fourteen years old, and I had no business caring for her the way I did. Unfortunately, it was the people I loved that I hurt the most. It’s hard to even think about them, let alone face them in person.”
He sighed with some exaggeration. “Irons, you were both just kids, barely even teenagers. Have you ever considered that maybe this isn’t baggage she’s carried all these years? She has fifteen years of memories you were not a part of, and she might not be as hurt as you think.”
Fifteen Years Ago
I had no desire to attend a stupid dance. I wasn’t going because I made a promise to either girl. I was going with Stacy for Wrenly’s benefit. I needed her to realize what I already knew. We needed to separate our lives if I was going to protect her from my consistently stupid mistakes.
Wrenly had no business caring for me as much as I cared for her. She had a real shot at a happy future, but that wouldn’t happen with me in it. My head was too fucked up and I didn’t even know when I was going to screw things up next. I sure as hell didn’t need her around me when the next shoe dropped.
I was at my parents and Stacy was on her way to pick me up. I hated the fact that I had to wear one of the stupid suits my mom got me for interviews. I didn’t even know where my parents were that night. My dad left for work early in the morning but never returned and I hadn’t seen my mom in a few weeks. If she did come home I was either at school or staying at someone else’s place.
I paced as I waited for Stacy. Was I doing the right thing? Was hurting Wrenly now any worse than hurting her later? My doubts were weighing heavily on me as I pictured Wrenly in a beautiful dress, happy, smiling, and laughing. I fought the overwhelming need I had to run out the front door and keep running for about ten miles, straight to her house then wrap her up in my arms and beg her to forgive me. Then again, did I deserve her forgiveness?
Wrenly was and always would be the most important person in my life, besides myself since I began realizing I was a very selfish person. I was selfish every time I wished Bobby’s body was found so my parents would shift their focus to me. I was selfish every single time I took advantage of my situation and Tony had to deal with the consequences of my behavior. I was selfish every time I smoked pot, dropped acid, got drunk, and fucked Stacy. My selfishness was endless, and I wish I knew how to change that about myself.
Who cares that I’ve never celebrated my birthday with my parents? Who cares that at the age of nine I had to sleep on my parents back porch when they forgot I was supposed to come home, and they were out of the country but didn’t tell anyone? Let’s not forget I wasn’t permitted to have a cell phone because they considered it spoiling. Thank God Tony finally gave me one. Who cares that the never gave me a fucking key to their house? Who cares that I could never play sports because I either didn’t have a ride, or because my parents pulled me into their search for Bobby? The school wouldn’t let me play sports until I got better grades and improved my attendance. I always went to school when my parents didn’t take me out of town. I loved sports and always wanted to play, but I never got anything I wanted. I tried to remind myself all the time that it could be worse. I could have been Bobby.
Stacy showed up. She wore a nice dress, I guess. I honestly didn’t care about what a girl wore. She looked the same as always but just changed into a dress. There wasn’t anything exciting about it.
Once we got to the dance, I looked around for Wrenly. I didn’t see her and the longer I kept looking, the heavier the guilt felt. She actually did it. She waited for me to pick her up, but I never showed. Eventually, the more I thought about her, the faster my heart raced and the harder I breathed. My lungs felt too small, and the room was closing in on me. I was just about to take off running toward her house when I heard people around me gasp.
It was like the crowd parted and a spotlight shined down on her when she walked into the school gym. I could have sworn my heart stopped beating and my body froze. I had to blink a few times just to make sure I was really seeing her. She smiled at a friend, and I almost fell over. Wrenly did not look like a freshman in high school. That soft and wavy hair fell over her shoulder in a loose braid, her eyes were so blue I could see them for miles away, that smile alone made my knees feel weak. But then, I saw that dress. Holy shit, Wrenly had the boobs of a grown woman. She had curves and was no longer the tall girl who was too skinny. Her legs were long and toned, then I saw those heels and realized she’s not that tiny sensitive little girl anymore. In that moment I remembered every laugh, every tickle, every smile, and every single time she said she loved me. Me, Travis Irons, loved by that girl? We were just babies, what the hell did we know about love? That was when I accepted my decision. I did the right thing for Wrenly.
“I can’t believe Matt brought her of all people. He could have asked any other girl in the whole school. Why a little virgin like her?” Stacy asked.
“Because she’s the girl guys want for a long time. You’re the girl guys just want for one night.” I practically growled. She didn’t care though, it seemed like I could say just about anything to her, and she didn’t care.
She rolled her eyes. “Anyway, how much do you want to bet he pops that cherry tonight?”
“Fuck you, Stacy.” I turned away from her and took off to take a breath outside. A couple of my buddies were in the parking lot smoking weed, so I took a few hits before going back inside to tell Stacy I was leaving.
She made me dance with her before I could leave. She was pissed but I didn’t care. She said some fucked up shit and I was over it.
I kept an eye on Wrenly, and she looked happy. She danced, laughed with her friends, and I trusted Matt. He was a buddy of mine before I went my own way with my loser friends. I knew he would treat her right and I was glad it was him she chose to accept a date with. Before I left, I did approach Wrenly and told her I was happy to see her at the dance with a guy like Matt, then I left with my buddies in the parking lot. I couldn’t stay there and watch Wrenly with Matt. It hurt like hell, and I couldn’t stick around with Stacy who was acting jealous.
That was the night I met Samantha, the girl I was screwing when the cops busted us the night before Uncle Travis was killed. I didn’t see Wrenly again until my uncles visitation.
Present Day
“So, what do you want me to do? She’s what we need, but if it’s too hard for you, we can pull her from the candidates.” Creed asked.
“I don’t fucking know. Leave me out of it I guess. I don’t have the right to make any decisions for her, so go take your vote. Just don’t expect me to take any part in it. Tell the rest of them that I’m not well and going home.”
I didn’t want her at Creed’s Lake, but I also didn’t want her to lose the opportunity. She would be safer at Creed’s Lake after being involved in what happened to the Scorpions and the cartel members. She would make more money and have a say in what missions she took with Creed’s Lake. Hell, she could take a safer job even with us than the FBI, but she would turn my life upside down. Even if I was barely a memory to her, she was still a lot more than that to me. My best bet was to just stay out of it.