Chapter Thirteen
The question about movies and TikTok is probably still sitting unsent in their text thread.
He’d typed it out on Saturday morning and then …
couldn’t. There was something that felt slimy about messaging Elle so quickly after the moment outside his house with Yael, to both of them.
Even though whatever happened with him and Yael doesn’t exactly require loyalty.
Even though Elle lives across the country and won’t tell him her real name.
Even though none of it really matters, because he doesn’t see how he’d have room for anything with anyone right now.
It just hadn’t felt right.
Elle hasn’t messaged him, either. Which should feel good, because it gives him the space he’s needed, but it’s the longest they’ve gone without talking and part of him wonders if maybe she doesn’t want to anymore.
And even though he knows none of it should matter, he also knows he would be absolutely crushed if she could be done with him, just like that.
To his great relief, a couple of hours after he sends the audio file, he gets Elle’s response: Amazing work, as always!! I’m admittedly a little nervous for this one to go out when so many more people are listening. Or maybe it’s just a fluke, and all the numbers will go back to normal.
Ravi
I don’t think it will be a fluke. The podcast got popular because it’s great, and this is a great episode
I am texting you this so you can’t say I’m flattering you in the work thread
He watches the typing bubble appear and disappear for almost a minute before a new message emerges.
Elle
How was your weekend?
I’m sorry I’ve been MIA
Ravi
You really are bad at taking compliments
It’s okay, I guess I have been, too. My weekend was a little weird. Busy. I took Mia to the zoo again. Yours?
Elle
Did she finally touch the anemone?
Mine was a little weird, too. But I got some rest, which was good, because I probably won’t get much right before 1984 goes up. Or right after tbh
Ravi
Still no. Maybe when she’s 5, because that’s a big girl age
Do you want me to distract you?
Elle
Please
Ravi
I went to see a movie on Friday
Do you think the recent success of visually interesting but sort of empty films is because of social media?
Elle
Omg YES!!!!!
Sometimes I’ll be in the middle of a scene and I’m like …
this is only here so it can be cut into a fifteen-second clip for TikTok because otherwise it’s just NONSENSE.
No substance at all! Like, it’s billing itself as class commentary or whatever, but it just barely has the aesthetics of it.
No thesis, confusing choices. I could go on, but I don’t want to bore you
Ravi types out I’m not bored, and after he hits send, the typing bubble appears for a long while, uninterrupted. He waits patiently for it to give way to the rest of Elle’s essay, all the while smiling at his phone.
YAEL TEXTS WITH Kevin much later than is advisable, given that the call with Jami is tomorrow and she already knows she’ll have trouble falling asleep. If she were good, she would at least try to rest.
But she’s missed talking to Kevin these last couple of days.
She’d gone on a long walk in Forest Park by herself on Saturday, a rarity for her.
Most of her life spent in the Pacific Northwest has given her an appreciation for nature’s beauty, and she’s always liked hiking and camping with her dad and Pops just fine.
But it’s never her idea to go, and certainly not on her own.
After that dream, though, she needed to get out.
Out of the house, out of her head, for a few sweaty, blissful hours.
She hadn’t felt ready to text Kevin when she got home. Not when she could still smell sandalwood and citrus every time she closed her eyes.
Then he hadn’t texted her, and she’d convinced herself that it was a good thing, because what’s she doing with him, anyway?
She’s not emotionally stable enough to be in a long-distance relationship.
She might not be emotionally stable enough for a relationship, period.
And though it feels like it sometimes—a lot of the time, even—she doesn’t actually know if he has feelings for her the way she does for him.
God, is it good to talk to him again, though.
At one point, when she’s back on the topic of her nerves over the new episode, he even offers to call, which they haven’t done since that first time.
And she really, really wants to, but not telling him about Ravi already feels like a lie by omission, and she isn’t willing to do that directly into his ear.
When Yael wakes up the next day, she’s exhausted but shockingly not anxious about the call. The trick, it seems, is twofold: fully expect for this thing with Renegade to go nowhere, and spend all available energy redirecting any thoughts about seeing Ravi at book club tonight.
Unfortunately, this means that while she’s organizing a spreadsheet of new orders and potential rotations for fourth quarter (a task that genuinely does not need her attention for another several weeks), she is startled by Jami’s call.
Yael had wanted to be five blocks away from Kennedy and as many deep breaths in before she answered, but now it’s rung three times and all she can think to do is shut herself in the library office and lock the door.
“Hello,” she says, a little breathlessly.
“Hi! Is this Elle Rex?”
“This is she. Is this, uh, Ja—”
“It’s just pronounced like ‘Jamie.’ Yes, my parents hate me.
Yes, the feeling is mutual,” Jami says, and Yael finds herself laughing.
“Well, I’ll get to it: As I said in my email, I’m a big fan of yours.
Would you tell me a little bit about your inspiration for the podcast, how you got into it, et cetera? ”
“Well, I’m a high school librarian,” Yael says. “That’s not, like, public information. I don’t use my real name.”
“No worries,” Jami says. “If this goes further, we’ll have to know for legal reasons, but we won’t share anything about you publicly that you don’t want us to.”
“Thank you.” Yael sighs in relief. “So, yeah. I guess I’m just constantly around kids going through pretty standard high school reading lists.
They’re a lot of the books I hated when I was in school, and listening to the kids complain about them, too, made me want to revisit them to see if I felt the same.
And then as I started to reread, I realized how many have a sort of covertly conservative ethos to them, and I thought it would be a good time to go through and analyze and poke fun.
Turns out, USB mics aren’t all that expensive,” she says.
Jami giggles, a surprisingly girlish sound.
“I’m glad for it. I devoured your whole back catalog in, like, two days.
” She pauses. “So: partnership. If you were to work with us, you’d get the Renegade name attached, we’d do a lot of advertising for you, could cover equipment upgrades and that kind of thing.
Depending on your comfort level, we could coordinate sponsorships, paid subscription options, or both.
We only have two podcasts so far, but the Renegade partnerships for both have resulted in increases in revenue that mean the hosts and editors are bringing in multiple times what they were before, even after our cut.
I could put you in touch with them, if you’d like. ”
Yael inhales. Multiple times? Even doubling would be butting up against her librarian salary.
It’s hard to grasp that this hobby of hers, born of her annoyance at a staff meeting last year and her long summer, could go that far.
Could be a way out of her stagnancy. Not that she needs a way out of her life, per se—but it’s a relief to think that she can have this, if she wants to.
That Kennedy High School isn’t the beginning and end of her.
“I know this is a lot of information all at once, but does this sound like something you might be interested in?” Jami asks. “I don’t want to bring it up the ladder otherwise.”
“Would I be able to keep my editor?”
“Absolutely. Cinefiler brought theirs with them.”
“Then yeah, I’d like that,” Yael squeaks.
“Wonderful! Would you mind sending over your editor’s contact information? I’d love to chat with him, too, once I get my manager on board. I can’t guarantee anything just yet, but I have a really good feeling about this. I’ll send you over those contacts as well. Sound good?”
“Yeah, that sounds great. Thank you so much for talking to me, Jami,” Yael says.
“No, seriously, thank you. I’ll be back soon with more info.”
After they hang up, Yael stares at the locked door for a while, waiting for the reality of what is happening to sink in, or for a reveal that this has all been some form of hallucination: The mushrooms that she did with Charlie and Sanaa when they were on the coast in August never wore off, and the podcast is still getting listens in the very low four figures and there’s no Kevin and no book club, and the school year hasn’t even started yet.
But the door stays a drab, unmoving brown, Yael’s grumbling stomach keeps her very connected to her physical body, and it seems that something this good is, in fact, happening.
Yael drafts an email to Kevin, explaining the situation, confirming that she can pass along his contact information, and adding about thirty caveats about how it still may be nothing.
And then, at the end, the only part she allows herself to reread: Thank you for everything you’ve done for the podcast, and I hope that if this does work out, you’ll stick with it.
I know you’re going to say that it’s all me, but it definitely wouldn’t have happened this quickly without you, and it might not have happened at all.
She hits send and lets herself out of the office to collect her lunch. The notifications come in as she stands in front of the teacher’s lounge microwave. She opens the texts first.
Kevin
I’m so happy for you, Elle. I’ll follow you there, if you want to go
You are fucking brilliant, you know that?