Chapter Twenty-Seven
Sending Kevin—Ravi—the Catcher in the Rye rough cut on Thursday morning is a uniquely horrible experience. That’s what Yael keeps thinking, repeating it to herself as she agonizes over what to write, her cursor hovering over the send button for minutes on end. This is horrible.
She thinks about her rant at the end about censorship—how she had to pay for copies of Camp Damascus out of pocket because of Chuck Tingle’s erotic body of work.
It’s only in the vaguest of terms, but Ravi will know exactly what she’s talking about now.
Because she talked to him about it in person, too.
Horrible.
In the end, the entire body of the email reads It’s attached.
I’m thinking “RIP Holden Caulfield, You Would’ve Loved the Yourfaveisproblematic Tumblr or the Incel Subreddit and I’m Not Sure Which” for the title.
Ravi’s reply comes a couple hours later, when she’s setting up for an ad hoc seminar on using JSTOR:
To: Elle Rex
RE: Episode Files Thread
Looking forward to listening. I’ll have full edit to you by the end of next week, the extended cut for Patreon sooner.
R
Yael stares at that simple sign-off until her stomach hurts. It’s newly devastating, somehow, to have the proof here. As though yesterday when Ravi told her he was Kevin, she couldn’t truly believe him until Kevin told her he was Ravi, too.
She blinks back tears and forces herself to get back to work. So much for crying herself dry in the car.
At lunch, she puts up a BE BACK SOON sign and heads up two flights of stairs to Gina’s classroom.
It’s locked, of course. Through the windows, Yael can see that she’s perched on the edge of her desk, still wearing a paint-stained apron, and shoveling a bowl of leafy greens into her mouth. When waving fails to get Gina’s attention, Yael raps her knuckles sharply against the door.
“I’m eating! Come back during your flex period!” Gina shouts, not looking up.
“It’s Yael! Let me in!” she shouts back.
Gina’s head snaps up, a crease between her brows.
She rushes to the door, ushering Yael in.
“You’re taking your lunch early,” Gina says, careful to lock the door behind them.
“Also, I’ve been meaning to tell you, I really liked your Lord of the Flies episode.
I get why you’re still charting. If you can weasel a little hope into even my sad, dark heart, you deserve the popularity. ”
“Your heart isn’t sad and dark,” Yael says.
Gina brings a finger to her lips. “You’re right, but don’t let the students hear you.” Yael manages a weak smile. Gina scans Yael’s face, frowning. “What’s up?”
“I need to ask you a favor, and I don’t think you’re going to like it. But, Gina, I really have nobody else.”
“I’m listening…”
“Can you please volunteer for book club for the rest of the year? It’s not that long until winter break, we’re not meeting the week of Thanksgiving anyway, and I promise I’ll find someone new by the time school starts again in January. I really don’t have it in me to figure it out right now.”
Gina blinks at her, and Yael worries she was spewing gibberish and will have to repeat her begging. But Gina just says, “Okay. I don’t have anything tonight, so I can stay back.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, girl, okay. Did you want me to say no?”
“No,” Yael says, “but I thought you’d rather be doing anything else. When I asked at the beginning of the year, you made that clear.”
“At the beginning of the year, you were asking for long-term support and you didn’t seem like you might have a breakdown about it.”
Her bluntness surprises a laugh out of Yael. “Wow.”
“No offense.” Gina grins. “What happened with Hot Volunteer Ravi? Last week, you were joking about sinking your teeth into his biceps, on Tuesday you were looking at him like you already had, and now he’s gone and you’re … frantic.”
God, that was just last Thursday, wasn’t it? Yael presses her hands over her eyes, her cheeks burning. “I think I need a shot or a gummy to explain all of it without crying,” Yael says. “I found out that Ravi and Kevin are the same person.”
“Kevin?” Yael drops her hands, watching Gina squint, frown, and eventually drop her jaw. “Sexy Email Kevin?”
“I really wish you didn’t name everybody like this.”
“Holy shit, Yael. Let’s go to dinner after the club today. My treat.”
“What? No. You can’t do that, Gina; you’re already helping me. I can get it.”
“Yael, stop. I’m your friend, and I’m insisting.”
Yael gives her a watery smile. “You mean ‘work friend,’” she jokes.
“Shut up; no I don’t,” Gina says. “I’ll see you later, okay? I’m going to soak up my last few minutes of no-children time.”
Yael nods, wiping at her eyes with the knuckles of her thumbs before heading back to the library.
Never has she more strongly wished she was a better actor than during tonight’s book club. It’s honestly brutal. She knew she’d get more than one “Where’s Ravi?” Of course she would. But she didn’t know it would feel like this.
When Jaxon and Eli join the circle, Jaxon becomes the fifth person to say some variation of “Ms. Lopez? What are you doing here?”
“You all could at least pretend you’re not so disappointed to see me,” Gina says, flipping her hair over her shoulder. “I could be on my couch right now.”
“Why do you look sad, Ms. Koenig?” Eli asks. “Did you and Ravi break up?”
Yael was not prepared for that. She’s mostly sure he’s joking, but she still struggles to form a response quickly.
As she starts to stammer through a denial, Gina fixes a stern look on Eli. “Eli, how are you getting home today?”
“Uh,” Eli says, rightfully trepidatious. “My mom is picking me up.”
Gina’s lips slide into a smile. “Great. Should I have a conversation with her about you making invasive jokes about your teachers?”
Eli’s cheeks tinge red. “No, Ms. Lopez. I’m sorry, Ms. Koenig,” he mumbles, taking his seat.
“Thank you,” Yael says, looking from him to Gina. It probably doesn’t reflect well on her that someone else had to step in, but she can’t bring herself to care.
None of the other students try her after that. They discuss their last lingering thoughts on Camp Damascus; Yael doles out copies of The Lesbiana’s Guide to Catholic School and even manages to convince Gina to join them for the read-aloud.
It’s a relief when the time is up and they all file out.
Leo takes a long time to pack up, and Yael wonders if he’ll come up to her like he so often does to Ravi.
She hopes she’d be able to handle it, but in her state, she’s not sure she could.
When he makes eye contact with her, she offers a smile.
He hesitates for a moment, but ultimately decides against approaching Yael, instead filing out the door after Zoe.
“Alright,” Gina says, “are you feeling like beer, wine, or something else?”
“I want a margarita the size of my head,” Yael says.
“Done.” Gina links her arm through Yael’s and walks them out to her car.
Gina doesn’t say anything for the ride over, and Yael is glad for it.
Instead, Yael spends her time cataloging everything in the car, all these bits of Gina she’s never seen.
There’s a half-burned stick of palo santo next to a vape pen in the compartment with the USB plugs below the dashboard, colorful pom-poms strung like the trans Pride and Costa Rican flags dangling from the rearview mirror, a teased blond wig in the back seat.
It’s a privilege to be let in like this, Yael knows.
She only wishes she felt good enough to truly enjoy it.
They get out at a nearby Mexican restaurant that Yael hasn’t been to in a long while—the food is good but not fabulous, but the drinks are great. They end up in a booth in the back corner, and Gina offers Yael the seat with the view of the whole restaurant.
“So, now that we aren’t at our literal jobs,” Gina says after the waiter drops off their waters and menus, “what the fuck happened between you and Kevin-slash-Ravi?”
“It’s a really long story, and I’m worried I’ll cry,” Yael says. “Are you sure you want to hear it?”
The corners of Gina’s lips turn down. “Yael, I thought you were joking earlier when you said that thing about being only a work friend. Were you not?”
“I was mostly joking,” Yael mumbles. “I know you like to keep things separate.”
“How many other Kennedy faculty members do you think I’ve invited to a Maiden Oregon show?”
“Uh,” Yael says.
“Fucking zero, that’s how many. Don’t think I didn’t notice that you didn’t come back. You like to keep things separate, too, boo.”
Yael’s lips part, surprised. “You didn’t keep inviting me,” she says. “I didn’t think you’d want me to.”
Gina rolls her eyes. “Jesus, sometimes I forget you’re still in your twenties.”
“Barely,” Yael says.
“Enough that you’d think something like that.
I made it clear that the shows are every other Friday.
You know, sometimes having low self-regard becomes rude,” Gina says.
“I seek you out at work, Yael. I tell you my personal business. I’m not exactly in the habit of pretending in order to spare someone’s feelings. Ask Principal Harrison.”
“I’m sorry,” Yael says. “I’m a little ashamed I didn’t realize.”
Gina makes a shooing motion. “It’s okay. I only really learned it in my early thirties. Point is, I’ve brought you here to buy you dinner and listen to your problems. You’ll do the same for me when it’s my turn, I’m sure. Obviously, I want to listen, and I’ll try not to be awkward if you cry.”
The waiter comes back, giving Yael time to collect herself while Gina puts in their order for two jalapeno margaritas and chips and guacamole.
Yael takes a sip of water and clears her throat. “So, I first met Ravi when he was climbing out of my bedroom window the morning after a one-night stand with Charlie,” she says, satisfied by the way Gina’s brows shoot up toward her hairline.