Chapter 11
Liv and I slowly walk into the church. Everything feels surreal.
This can’t actually be happening.
Liv squeezes my hand and tells me she's going to say hello to her parents.
My gaze snags on Sam. He looks nice in a black suit and white button-down shirt.
His collar is open with a couple of buttons undone at the neck.
I lift my gaze to his face and see that he’s looking at me.
His expression is tight, his eyes are sad.
I can tell he’s trying to remain stoic. My face crumples, and I watch as Sam immediately makes his way to me.
I’m sobbing, my face in my hands, by the time he gets to me. Sam gently pulls my hands from my face and wraps my shaking body in his arms. He holds me while tears stream down my cheeks.
“I’m so glad you’re here.” I croak out once I regain some semblance of composure.
“Me too,” he says as he kisses the top of my head. I lean back just enough to look up at him. His arms remain firmly planted around my waist.
The way he immediately came to me and the way he’s looking at me now?
I’ve missed everything about him. He’s kind, compassionate, and even after all of this time, it’s evident that he cares for me.
Even if it is just as a friend. Despite my feelings for him being in turmoil, I’m glad he’s here with me.
I offer him a small smile, which he returns.
He reaches up and tucks my hair behind my ear before gently wiping at the tears remaining on my cheeks.
I overhear Liv talking to someone, so I turn to see who it is. Talia’s here. They walk over to us, and Sam releases me from his embrace but doesn’t leave my side. He stands close enough that I can feel the heat coming off his body. I take comfort in his proximity and warmth.
“Hey, Talia.” My voice is rough.
She pulls me into a hug and whispers, “I’m so sorry.” My tears start anew, and I just know they aren’t going to stop today.
“Apparently, I should have brought a supersized box of tissues with me.” I joke, trying to break some of the tension I’m feeling.
Sam briefly touches the small of my back and steps away. His absence is jolting. I watch him walk over to a box of tissues on a side table. He picks up the container and brings it over to me. Why do I feel like I can’t breathe without him being near me?
I shouldn’t be feeling like this. Not when we haven’t spoken or seen each other in so long. Sam feels like home. It feels like we’ve never skipped a beat, even with the distance I forced on us.
Trying to avoid the feelings Sam is stirring in me today, I look at Talia. “When did you get into town?”
She looks a little embarrassed as her cheeks flush slightly. “Actually, last night.” I cock my head to the side, about to protest when she hurries on to explain, “I wanted to be here for you and Livie, but I also knew how important it was for you both to have some time together.”
Talia has always been incredibly thoughtful of everyone. It's as if she has a crystal-clear understanding of what people need and when they need it. She reminds me of Mom in all the best ways. This is probably why I like her so much.
“Thanks. You're right, I did need that. But I wish you didn’t feel like you had to stay away.”
Just then, an usher walks out into the hall and quietly invites everyone into the room where the service will take place.
I look up at Sam, and he gestures for me to walk with him. We make our way to the front, where the family and close friends are supposed to sit. My parents are already there, next to Dan, in the front row.
As we get past some of the people standing in the aisle, I notice the casket at the front of the room.
My heart drops and my body freezes.
I can’t take another step forward.
Mom always thought it was strange to have an open casket because the person never really looks quite like they were supposed to.
So, it isn’t a surprise that Ethan’s casket is closed. It’s just devastating to see it here and know that Ethan’s body is in there. I don't notice I am crying again until Sam hands me another tissue from the box he still carries.
He steps towards me, places his hand on my arm, and whispers in my ear, “We can go back out, if you want.” Looking up at his soft, chocolate brown eyes, I shake my head no.
“Will you—” It comes out gravelly. I clear my throat and try again, “will you sit with me?” I feel too vulnerable right now. Too raw. I’m not sure I can move forward if he says no.
Thankfully, Sam doesn’t hesitate before he grabs my hand. “Always,” he says as he looks into my eyes and brings my hand to his lips. He places a small kiss on the back.
Gently, Sam leads me to the row opposite my parents, which is now full, and guides me to take the seat next to him. Liv sits on my other side, Talia next to her.
I can’t stop staring at that damn casket, knowing my big brother isn’t coming back. Knowing I can’t stop my mind from replaying that last phone call. Did I say I love you?
I try to listen to everyone who speaks at the service, but everything sounds garbled, like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons. I’m vaguely aware of the priest finishing his sermon and other people standing up and speaking, but it isn’t until Sam squeezes my hand that I pull my gaze from the casket.
I look up at him and furrow my brows.
Answering my silent question, he leans in and whispers in my ear.
“Your mom asked if I would say a few words, so I’m going to let go of your hand and go up there.
” I feel my panic rising, which he must notice in my expression, because he quickly adds, “I won’t be gone long, and Livie is going to hold your hand for me until I get back. ”
He looks over my shoulder at Liv sitting on my other side. Sam nods once before I feel her arm come around me, pulling me into her side. Sam lets go of my hand and walks to the front. Liv takes my now free hand with her opposite one.
I stare at Sam as he walks away—this man who used to be the boy who was always at my house. This man, who used to tease me about how many books I read each summer. This man, who meant everything to my brother. Who meant everything to me. Who means everything to me. I can’t stop looking at him.
He clears his throat, and when he starts speaking, his voice is husky but confident.
“Ethan was more than my best friend. He was my brother in so many ways. His absence will be a hole I don’t think I’ll ever be able to fill.” He pauses, and I can see he’s taking a breath—composing himself. He glances down. Only then do I see he’s holding paper, his notes.
Sam looks back up when he speaks again, “I know he’d be mad at me if I spent this time being sad about him and talking to you all about how much I’m going to miss him.” He gives the room a timid smile.
“So instead,” he continues, “I want to share some stories about my friend that you probably haven’t heard. We’re going to celebrate who he was instead of being sad.” He speaks slowly but with confidence.
“Most of you know that Ethan and I were inseparable as kids. We did everything together, from learning to surf, figuring out how to flirt with girls, to participating in track. We got into a lot of trouble, too. I’m not sure which of us was the bad influence.
Probably both of us. We definitely encouraged each other a lot.
“Like that time that we collected a bunch of road hazard cones and left them in Sarah and George’s front yard.
” He looks over at my parents, looking remorseful.
I hear Dad mutter something, but I can’t make out what it is.
He’s shaking his head like a huge puzzle piece just clicked into place for him. Sam chuckles lightly.
“I can’t remember why we decided it would be a good idea.
But I can tell you that we laughed so hard when we saw you come home trying to figure out why you had thirty cones in the yard.
” He chuckles again, and several people in the crowd join in the laughter.
I feel Liv’s body shake with her silent laugh, too. A small smile is all I can muster.
“Sorry about that.” He shrugs before continuing, “Even as adults, we would spend as much time together as we could. Every summer, we’d take a couple of weeks off from our responsibilities and spend the time fishing and drinking beers.”
He pauses and looks at me before shifting his gaze back to the crowd. I’m mesmerized by him.
“A couple of years ago, we took one of these trips.
But instead of fishing, we decided to take a cross-country tour on our motorcycles.
We'd talked about taking this trip for several years and finally decided to just do it. We packed up some saddle bags and backpacks and planned out our trip—making sure we knew where we were going to stop each night.”
Another glance towards me. I can’t quite place his expression. Almost, scared? Remorseful? But I have no idea why that would be. I heard about this trip. It seemed like they had a great time.
Sam is wringing his notes in front of him. “Only, we didn’t make it very far into the trip,” he continues.
Didn’t make it far?
I sit up a little straighter in my seat, my eyes glued to Sam as he continues. Liv squeezes my hand.
“We were riding on a highway when my bike slid out from under me. I didn’t see the debris on the road until it was too late.” My knee starts bouncing on its own. “I slammed into a metal pipe off to the side of the road and was rushed to the hospital.”
I feel my mouth open in shock, my leg still shaking. I glance over at Liv, and she squeezes my hand reassuringly. She subtly shakes her head. I don’t know if she’s telling me she didn’t know or if she’s telling me not now.
Why didn’t I know about this? Why didn’t Sam tell me? Why didn’t Ethan tell me? I feel the anger rush into my senses. But more than anger, I’m embarrassed. Embarrassed that I let my feelings get in the way of my friendship with Sam, enough that no one told me about this.
I look back at Sam as he continues speaking. “I had surgery to repair some extensive damage to my shoulder and had too many stitches to count.” I can tell he’s avoiding my gaze now. “I went through rehab. Thankfully, everything worked out.” He shrugs.
My body stiffens with his words, my knee finally stills. Liv’s arm tightens around my shoulders. I dare a glance at my parents, but they don’t seem to notice my reaction. No, they seem unfazed. They knew.
“But when I was going through the hard days. The ones when I just wanted to give up because the pain was too much, Ethan was there, encouraging me. Reminding me to be strong. Reminding me that we don’t give up. That was the thing about Ethan, he was always there when people needed him.
“I’m going to miss that solid reassurance from him. But I’m so grateful I was able to share in the light and warmth he gave to everyone he met. I only hope that I can be half as kind as Ethan was to me and others. Half as protective. And half the man he was and was becoming.”
Sam makes his way back to the seat next to me. Liv removes her arm from around my shoulders as Sam sits down. He finally looks at me. His eyes are full of apprehension, he’s rigid, and I feel the tension radiating off his body.
I don’t know why he didn’t tell me, or why my family kept this from me. But it probably has a lot to do with how I’ve treated him the last few years. I give him a small smile before I take his hand in mine again. I lean into him slightly and feel Sam’s body relax.
The service continues with a few more people sharing stories about my brother. Sam’s hand doesn’t leave mine. I’m grateful for his steady presence, but I can’t shake the shock and sadness that he went through that experience.
After the formal service, a few of us, close friends and family, make our way to the cemetery. A couple more people speak, and once the graveside service is over, we’re all invited to pay our last respects.
I’m one of the last people to leave my seat when I walk over to the casket to join my parents. My heart feels like it's shattered into a million pieces as I place my hand on top of the smooth, dark, stained wood.
I don’t know how to put those pieces back together, or if they ever will go back together.
“I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on without you,” I croak through my sobs. “I’ll miss you every day, big brother. Thank you for always being there for me. I… I love you.” I feel the hot tears fall down my cheeks as I say those final words to him. Hoping he can hear them.
I’m not sure how long I stay rooted to my spot. It could have been seconds or hours. At some point, my parents hug me and tell me they're heading home.
I feel warmth at my back and watch as Sam places his hand on mine, still on my brother’s casket. He gently picks my hand up, bringing it to his lips to place a soft kiss on the back before pulling my hand to his heart. Using his other arm, he pulls me into him.
I nuzzle my face into his chest and breathe him in. I shouldn’t be doing this. Not now. Not ever. But I can’t stop myself. Sam drops my hand pinned to his chest and wraps his arm around me, pulling me in tighter. He runs soothing patterns up and down my back.
I feel the pressure of his kiss on the top of my head and slowly extricate myself from him. Wiping the remaining tears from my cheeks, I look around. Most of the people have left.
“Can I take you back to the house?” Sam’s eyes are soft as he looks at me.
“I’d like that.”
I feel numb as we drive back to my parents’ house, and I’m glad when neither of us speaks. Sam’s hand stays firmly, but gently, wrapped around mine.