Chapter 47
Sam leads us around the dance floor in rhythm to the slow dance the band is playing. He looks down at me and smiles so big I see the dimple in his left cheek.
He leans down and whispers in my ear, “This reminds me of homecoming the year you were supposed to go with Kevin.”
“Yeah?”
“I was so nervous to ask you to dance with me. My palms were so sweaty I thought for sure you were going to notice.” He looks at me, a little embarrassed.
“I had to hype myself up to ask you. Then, when Ethan went off to dance with Kayla, I knew that was my moment. I thought I was going to trip over my feet the entire time.”
“Really? You were so smooth. I was so worried you would hear my heart pounding in my chest. I thought you were so hot in your suit. I loved how your hair was a little messy from running your hands through it. I was so nervous I was going to step on your feet.”
“That was one of the best nights of my life.” He takes a deep breath. “Because of you.” He smiles at me, and I can feel the love radiating off him.
“Mine too.” I smile back.
“I was thinking,” his fingers fidget along my spine as he speaks, “what if I moved in. You know, officially?”
I feel the shock hit my face before I can school my expression. I know he catches my body stiffening at his words.
“It’s just, I’m there so much anyway, I thought—” Sam abruptly stops talking and looks away from me.
I’m feeling panicked at his words. Move in? Yeah, he’s there all the time, and I want him to stay, but the thought of taking that next step makes me feel nauseous. “I—” What if he decides to leave? What happens when he doesn’t want me anymore?
He takes a step away from me, and his voice is quiet when he speaks again. “Unless you want something different? Maybe I’ve been reading this all wrong, and you don’t want me to be there as much? Or at all?”
His voice is flat. My tongue feels like lead in my mouth. But I finally whisper out, “I do want you there.”
“I’ve just felt like you’ve been holding back from me. I’m so deeply in love with you, and sometimes it feels like you have one foot out the door. I can’t figure out why.” He looks at me, anguished.
“Sam, I…” I look into his eyes, searching for answers I won’t find from him, but knowing he’s right. I have been holding back. Protecting my heart from this man who broke it once before.
He takes another step back, dropping his hands from my waist and running one through his hair.
It’s at this moment that I realize while I’ve been trying to protect my heart, I’ve been breaking his. I reach out for him and pull him back into me.
“Don’t go.”
“I don’t want to leave. But I can’t continue giving you everything I have and only get half of you in return.” I’d do anything to remove the pain from him. “If I’m not what you want anymore, I need you to be honest with me. I need you to tell me what you want.”
“I want you.” My words are soft, barely above a whisper.
“Do you?” The skepticism in his tone matches his expression. “Why are you holding back?”
“I’m scared.” The too-loud words are out before I can think to stop them.
I take his hand and pull him off the dance floor, finding a quiet place for us to sit at the edge of the party. I gesture for him to sit next to me; I’m relieved when he does.
“Sammy, I’ve spent my entire adult life comparing all of my partners to you.
” I take in a deep breath and blow it out.
I look down at my fingers, fidgeting in my lap.
“After I begged you to choose me instead of Claire, I just never got over it. I—” I look out at the dance floor and see all the happy faces.
“I never got over you.” I look up at Sam to find him watching me, his eyes are downturned in regret.
“I’m so sorry. I wish I could rewind and take it all back. I never meant to hurt you like that.”
I grab his hand and gently stroke my thumb along his. “I know that now. You’ve shown me so much love these last few months.”
“But?” I can feel the worry coming off him, like he’s afraid he won’t like the answer.
“But,” I start slowly, “I’m terrified I won’t recover if you break my heart again.”
He looks like I’ve stabbed him in the chest, but he doesn’t say anything.
“You’re right. I’ve been holding back. Not because I’m not in love with you.
Because I am. Sam,” I gently cup his cheek with my palm and turn his face, so he is fully looking at me, “I’m so deeply in love with you.
To the point that I already know I won’t recover if you decide you want something or someone else. ”
I drop my hand from his cheek and look briefly at the dancing couples before returning my attention to him.
“So, I’ve been holding back to hang on to the last shreds of my heart. Trying to protect whatever parts aren’t already yours because I’m terrified to lose you again.”
He shifts next to me as his expression softens.
“Kat, I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want anyone but you.
I’ve never wanted anyone but you.” Sam looks down at the ground.
“Even when I was dating Claire. I stupidly thought that being with her would somehow get you out of my every thought.” He looks back up at me. “I’ve been yours long before Seattle.
“My entire heart has been yours since we were kids.” Sam reaches for my hands and holds them in his.
“Why do you think I stayed with you at that dance? It wasn’t just because you were Ethan’s sister.
I saw you. I saw the look on your face when you realized Kevin wasn’t coming.
And it ruined me. I couldn’t bear seeing you distraught. ”
I lean in and place a soft kiss on his lips, which he gently returns.
“Kat, it killed me when Ethan told me to stay away from you. My heart was shredded when you dated Kevin after that. It cracked again when you were so torn up after he broke up with you. And then, after I realized how much I hurt you with Claire? I haven’t told you this, but I haven’t had a serious relationship since I broke things off with her. ”
“Really? Why?” I don’t hold back the shock in my tone.
He shrugs a little like he’s going to sidestep the question, but then his expression quickly changes to what I can only describe as determination.
“I could have. I dated, but my heart already belonged to someone else.” He looks at me with such gentleness, and I see the vulnerability on his face and in his rigid body. “It belonged to you.”
Kat, I love you. Always have. Always will.
Tears sting in the corners of my eyes when Sam reaches up and softly cups my cheeks with his palms.
Hoping Liv and Talia were right, I jump off the cliff.
“I’m all yours, Sam. Every part of me is yours. I’m sorry I’ve been holding back from you. I promise I won’t do that anymore.”
He kisses my cheeks, my forehead, and then my mouth. His kiss starts gently and then turns into something more feral. Hungry.
I open my mouth for him, letting him deepen the kiss. Our tongues explore each other. Our kiss is an apology, a forgiveness, and a promise.
He pulls away too soon and looks around, embarrassed. I follow his gaze, remembering where we are. He leans his forehead against mine and looks into my eyes. He looks like he wants to devour me, and I want him to.
“If you keep looking at me like that, I’m going to have to find a place behind the bushes to take you,” he growls.
“Is that a promise, Samuel Harris?” My tone is teasing, but I would let him if that’s what he wants. I would let him do almost anything to me right now.
“Fuck, Kat.” He runs his hand through his hair and then looks back to the crowd gathered on the dance floor.
He stands up and holds his hand out to me.
“Come on, I still need to dance with you. But when we get home, I’m going to ravage you while you wear that dress.
” His eyes twinkle with his barely restrained desire.
“You promise?” My voice is full of heat as I think of what’s in store for me later.
He chuckles before responding, “I promise.”
I take his hand and allow him to pull me up. He kisses my hand before he positions my arm, so it’s wrapped around his as he guides us back to the dance floor.
“Sam?”
“Hmmm?”
“I want you to move in. Officially.”
He steps back from me and looks into my eyes. “Are you sure? I don’t want you to feel rushed.”
“I’m sure. Please move in.” He leans in and brushes his lips across my cheek.
Sam pulls me into him and guides us in a slow dance. I can’t resist leaning my head on his shoulder.
He tenderly kisses the top of my head. “Ok. I’ll move in.”
I move closer to him, and we continue dancing.
“Sam?”
“Yes, Kat?”
“You still have furniture and stuff in storage, right?” I look up at him.
Sam looks down at me quizzically. “Yes?” It's more of a question than a statement.
“I’ve been thinking that I want to donate Ethan’s furniture. Maybe start fresh. Could we use your things instead?”
“We could…” he draws out the words. “I was thinking we should pick some things out together. That way it isn’t mine or yours but ours.”
I smile at him. “I would love that.”
“I love you.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.” He kisses my lips gently, and I open for him.
The scariest part was the jump. But knowing that Sam is jumping with me? I don’t feel as scared.
***
Six Years Old
“Hey, Kitty Kat.” Sam walks outside. It’s summer, and it's already warming up fast.
“Hi, Sammy.” I look back down at my Barbies and continue playing with them.
“Can I play with you? Ethan isn’t feeling well, and I’m tired of playing Mario.”
“Sure! Do you want to be Ken?”
“Okay.” Sam sits down across from me and grabs one of my Ken dolls.
I’m playing with Malibu Barbie because she’s my favorite.
“Do you think Barbie and Ken will get married?”
“Probably.” Sam shrugs as he responds.
“I think Barbie would be so pretty in a wedding dress. Should we throw them a wedding?”
“Sure. Do you have any fancy clothes for them? Ken should be wearing a nice suit if he’s going to marry Barbie.”
“Yeah. Let me find it.”
I stand up and walk over to my pink and orange polka-dot case, where I keep my Barbie and Ken outfits. I find the wedding dress and the suit and walk back to where Sam sits. I hand him Ken’s outfit and work on changing Barbie into her dress.
“Ok, Ken should stand over there, and then Barbie can walk down the aisle.”
Sam moves Ken where I tell him, and then I make Barbie walk to where Sam makes Ken stand. “Ken, do you take this woman to be your wife?”
“I do,” Sam speaks for Ken.
“Now you have to ask for Barbie.”
“Barbie, do you take this man to be your husband?” Sam asks.
“I do,” I speak for Barbie.
“Now do they kiss?”
“Duh.” I move Barbie over to Ken and position her so he can kiss her. Sam makes Ken kiss Barbie and smacks his lips to make a kissing noise. I laugh at the sound.
“I don’t know if I’ll ever get married.” My voice is small as I look down at Barbie.
“Why not, Kitty Kat?”
“Because I don’t think my husband will want to play Barbies with me.”
“I’ll marry you, Kitty Kat, and we can play Barbies when Ethan is sick.”