Chapter 31 #2
He lets out a low chuckle and continues.
“How we got there doesn’t matter, because that first kiss was a problem.
Because it was the hottest of my life. Hell, the entire experience was the hottest experience of my life.
I may have initiated it, but she took control from there.
She knew what she wanted, and she fucking took it.
She ripped my shirt over my head, shoved me to the closet floor, and yanked her spaghetti straps off her shoulders.
It was like everything was in slow motion when her short summer dress fell to the ground, and I was screwed.
She was standing above me in nothing but her panties.
She fucking titmatized me. Once she bared herself to me, there was no going back. ”
I bark out a laugh. “I titmatized you? You are so stupid.”
“Well, it’s true. Your tits are a thing of beauty, and they mesmerized me. Hence, titmatized.”
“I’m glad you approve,” I say shyly. Which is strange, because I’m never shy around Owen. This is a lot, though. I feel incredibly vulnerable, even though he’s the one baring his soul.
“You know I love your body, baby. Always have. Always will. Now be a good girl and quit interrupting story time.”
His wink says he knows exactly what his baby and good girl are doing to me. It’s cruel since he has no intention of repeating our night on Mia’s closet floor.
“The way she shimmied out of her panties was sexier than any stripper on a pole. She oozed sex. My skin tingled everywhere her fingertips touched me. When her tongue teased the tip of my cock, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven.
But then she straddled me and slid onto my cock, and I knew I was wrong.
She was heaven right here on earth. Watching her lost in the moment, feeling her clench around me…
I’ll never be the same. I. Am. Good. As.
Ruined. Nothing has ever felt so perfect and, for some strange reason, I think nothing ever will.
What the fuck, Swift? What the hell do you do now? ”
He closes the journal, setting it and his glasses on the bedside table before turning off the light, leaving us in darkness.
I’m shaking from the inside out. I have so many questions. So many fears. So many damn feelings. He’s earned my vulnerability and deserves a response, but where do I even start?
Of course, he’s the adult in this equation and speaks before I do.
“I didn’t know then what this thing between us was.
It felt right to be with you, and over the years I took advantage of any opportunity for the two of us to get together.
But it wasn’t until Hawaii… Wait, that’s not true.
I knew in L.A., but didn’t admit it to myself until Maui. ”
He hasn’t said the word, but the implications are clear. My heart is a puddle. It’s time for me to give a little. I adjust myself on my side so I can see him. He shadows me and we lock eyes, finding each other in the dark like we always do.
“Tonight, when I told the girls about our history, it felt like they finally knew the real me.”
His face softens, before he shifts to push my hair behind my ear like he always does.
“Those girls know me better than almost anyone.” I don’t mention that only he and my mom know me better.
“And yet, I hadn’t told them about something so big.
So important to me. They weren’t aware of many of the happiest moments of my life.
How could they really know me if they didn’t know about us? ”
“They couldn’t.”
He’s right. And to see the shock and confusion on their faces hit me like I didn’t expect.
They were sweet and excited. There was no judgment, but my need to defend Owen had been instinctual.
I needed them to know that though I’ve been pushing down my feelings for years, he hadn’t.
I made it clear he had wanted more, and I was the one holding back.
I didn’t equate any meaningful four-letter words to what Owen and I share, but I did admit that I felt more with him than I ever had with anyone else.
I also told them how incredible the sex was.
This was not a shock to them. They figured as much.
I don’t dare mention this part of the conversation to him, though.
He has a big enough head, and girl talk is not for him.
“It’s rare that I surprise those girls, and even though Ryan and Knox have had their suspicions for a while, she was still blown away it had been going on for so long.
None of them said it was a bad idea. None of them said it wouldn’t work.
They did say my brother would get over it.
The only thing they questioned was what was wrong with me?
Why wasn’t I meeting you where you were? ”
“I knew I loved those girls.”
“Of course, they are one-hundred percent Team Owen.”
“That’s good to hear.”
“I tried to blame Cal at first, and they called me on my bullshit. So, I told them the truth. Well, part of the truth.”
“And that is?”
“What if this goes wrong? You are part of my family. If I mess this up and we don’t last, then what? You can never stop coming to Sunday dinner. You will always be there. Is the two of us trying to make this work worth risking that?”
“I think it is.”
“You do?”
“I do. And let me assure you that once we give this a go, there will be no messing it up. We’re endgame, Daisy. You and me. That’s how this ends.”
Lying here in the dark, I feel the trajectory of my life shifting. I’ve never been so afraid of anything as I am of losing Owen Swift.
My stomach flutters. My heart races. But I continue. “The girls understood my concern. Mia said she worried about the same thing with Gus, but when you know, you know.”
“And do you know?”
Pretending I don’t hear his question, I carry on. “But it’s more than that. What I didn’t tell the girls is that I’m not the woman who gets her forever with her dream man. Like I told you before, I’m not the serious option. I’m fun, but I’m not the one you settle down and have a family with.”
“Bullshit. Where does the garbage in your head come from?”
I guess it’s my turn to tell a bedtime story. One I’ve never shared with anyone.
“Remember that guy Kenny I dated during most of college?”
“Sure.”
“Well, the only reason you and I hooked up that night was because he dumped me. I thought the two of us would stay together after school and eventually get married. It was a no-brainer for me. For him, not so much. It was the end of the year, and he was helping me pack up my apartment. I made some comment about our plans to see each other over the summer, and he looked at me like I was a cute yet deranged little puppy. He said that he had had a lot of fun with me, but that was all it was. He could never bring a party girl like me home to his mom. What we had in college was fun, but it was never anything serious. I found out later that he had a habit of hooking up with other girls on the nights I wasn’t around. ”
“Any man lucky enough to have your love would be the envy of the world, Daisy. He was an idiot.”
Sharing with him is one thing; acknowledging his tender words is too much right now. I hear them all, but I’m too emotional to accept them.
“The thing is, I didn’t love him. I was just doing what I thought people did.
Meet in college, get married, and so on.
So, I didn’t care that he didn’t love me.
What really bothered me was that I wasn’t a party girl.
Sure, I had fun like everyone else away at college does, but I was serious about my studies.
I made the dean’s list every semester. Kenny was the only guy I dated, and I never messed around on him.
Did I like to drink and dance and have fun with my friends?
Sure? I doubted myself for a while and fell into a bit of a depression.
Then one-day I snapped out of it and figured if that’s what people thought of me why not lean into it and have some fun? ”
He scoots closer, resting his hand on my hip and placing a kiss on my forehead. “You are everything, Daisy McKinnon. Never doubt yourself.”
This man and his words. My heart is his, so why can’t I tell him that?
“The night he told me what he thought of me, we had sex. I didn’t want to, and I said no, but he wore me down because I was in my head and caved. I let him control the situation. Control me.”
Owen stiffens next to me. I’m not explaining myself properly. God, why is this so hard?
“It wasn’t like that. He didn’t force me into anything, but it was all about him.
His pleasure. It had always been about his pleasure.
He didn’t even notice that I just laid there and was clearly not into it.
He was rough and uncaring, but I let him treat me that way.
I hadn’t really thought about it until I heard you say I took control.
I think subconsciously I’ve needed to be in control of my body and my heart since that night.
And our first time in Mia’s closet, I wanted it to be about my pleasure.
That may have been selfish of me, but I had never experienced sex with my pleasure in mind. ”
“I’m glad it was me you chose.”
“Me too.”
“You were only like that our first time together.”
I reach to touch his beautiful face. “I’m different with you. You’re the only one I trust enough to relinquish my control to.”
Because I’m in love with you.
“Kenny was the first of many to tell me the same thing. I’ve never dated a man who wanted to take things to the next level.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been told, well, this was fun, but we both knew it wasn’t serious.
Owen, somehow, I’ve become the fun girl you don’t take home to meet your family.
What happens when I stop being fun? What if you get bored with me?
Do we risk our family dynamic for a good time that will eventually end? ”
“You have lost your grasp on reality if you think the two of us together could ever get boring.”
I smile at his confidence. “You can’t be sure of that.”
“But I am. And so are you. You’re just too scared to admit it. And that’s okay... for now. Your concussion is buying you some time. But once you’re medically cleared, you’ll be out of excuses, and I’ll be here ready when you are. I’m stuck, remember? Now close your eyes and get some sleep.”
“So bossy.”
“Just like you like me.”
As always, he’s right. I like him just as he is, and he likes me just as I am. I think he might be my best friend. Which means, I’m in love with my best friend.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?