14. Chapter 14 #2
This is my life. This is all it’ll ever be.
“It didn’t mean anything. He was just comforting me!” Blaine yells at her as he scrambles to his feet. He jogs after her, passing by me to get to her side. “Mom!”
She ignores him, like always, because that’s just the kind of person she is.
We all suffer at her mercy. I never understood why my father liked her, why he married her.
Normally, I would say something sarcastic like ‘she must have some really good pussy’ or something, but the multiple affairs he’s had over the years kind of contradict that.
“Mom!” He yells again, causing her to stop her movements and glare over at him. It gives me long enough to fix my sagging shorts and wipe some of the sand from my legs.
“What, Blaine?! I’m not going to let this… this… little faggot corrupt my sons.”
“I’m not gay! Okay? I’m not gay.”
She parked farther back than his jeep, but only by a couple yards.
My weight slumps against her legs and she stands to argue with him just steps away from the back of her vehicle.
I’m grateful for the reprieve, but I’m not stupid enough to hope that this little break will last more than a few seconds.
As they stand and yell back and forth with one another, I get lost in my own thoughts. It takes a minute for his words to sink in.
Not gay.
My eyes dart over to him, and I get the urge to scoff.
It’s not like he’s obviously gay. Hell, he could be straight.
He’s already close to my height and bulky as hell.
He closely resembles your typical high school jock with his perfectly styled light brown hair and green eyes, but the way he’s denying it vehemently isn’t doing him any favors.
Not to mention that the expression on his face is tortured at best, and it’s clear to anyone in their right mind that he’s just grasping at straws right now.
None of that is what actually gives it away though.
I glance back out at the water, watching as the ripples angrily push off from the shore.
The flashing lights reflecting off the water are moving faster now, seeming more like fireworks than fireflies.
I think back to all the moments Blaine and I have shared over the past few months, and I can see it all pretty damn clearly now.
The constant questions about my dating life, my sex life.
Him wanting to spend more and more time together without Gatlin.
Him prodding about when I’m leaving, or if I’m leaving at all.
It’s not that I think he likes me, just that I’m in his proximity.
I’m safe. I don’t even think that he’s interested in me, especially since we’re brothers.
He just wanted someone that he could relate to, that he could see himself in their shoes.
I never hid who I was from our parents, even though I knew they wouldn’t approve.
They’ve never approved of anything Gatlin or I do, so why would I bother hiding in the closet?
It’s different for Blaine though. He has the opportunity to inherit millions, to become something.
He was just living vicariously… through me.
“Then stay the fuck away from him!” She yells, jerking my hair in the process.
I glance up at Blaine, and he rears back before his eyes dart down to mine.
I know he can see it, the resignation on my face.
I can’t blame him for what’s happening, what’s going to happen.
I know that he wants to protect Gatlin and me, so he’s going to do whatever she demands.
I can see it on his face right now, he’d take a bullet if it meant saving me from this.
So… that’s exactly what he does.
“Fine,” he says as he takes a few slow steps back from us. “I’ll stay away from him if you leave him alone. Just let him go.”
The metaphorical bullet lands, but it doesn’t hit it’s intended target. It pierces my chest, ripping through flesh and bone, until there’s nothing but a gaping hole left inside of me. She’s finally won. She’s succeeded in taking everything I care about.
She pulls up on my hair, forcing me to hold all of my weight with my fingertips as she dangles me in the air. My eyes pinch together in discomfort as I mentally curse her existence. I fucking hate her. God, I hate her.
“Him? You’ll stop spending time with him?” She asks as she shakes me in her hand.
“Yes. Jesus. I swear! Just let him go!“ He replies as he leans forward like he’s going to rush to my aid, his shoes skidding in the gravel as he forces himself to stop.
“Fine,” she says, releasing my hair as she shoves me away. “Better start walking then, Lancey boy. It’ll be morning before you get home.”
I lay in the dirt, rubbing at my scalp as Blaine watches her get into her vehicle and tear off down the dirt path.
I’m overstimulated and honestly, just in plain shock at this point.
My blurry eyes are locked onto the water, but its calmness doesn’t bring me any relief.
There are no ripples on the surface anymore, but there’s no longer any reflections either.
The clouds have rolled in, stealing all the light that cascaded off our surroundings.
The lake seems just as dark and bottomless as everything else in my life, and if that isn’t the exact ending this night deserved, then I don’t know what is.
“Come on,” Blaine says as he bends over to help me up, but I push off the ground, rolling away from him.
“Go home, Blaine. We both know that she’s going to be parked down the street waiting to see if you give me a ride.”
He pauses, glancing back down the road where her vehicle disappeared. “You can lay down in the backseat, and I’ll just drop you off closer to the house somewhere.”
“No,” I demand as I roll back to where I can see the water. “I want to stay here a little longer anyway. I’ll be home later. Just leave me some cigarettes for the walk, please.”
“Lance…” he starts, but I hold my hand up to silence him.
“Just go, Blaine. We knew it would come to this eventually. Didn’t we?”
“Why?” He begs as he steps closer to me. “Why do we have to let it be like this?”
Fury bubbles up inside of me. Why would I let it be this way?
Why would anyone let it be this way? We’re here, doing this dance, because we don’t have a choice.
If I had any other option, trust me, I’d fucking take it in a heartbeat.
I’d rather be anywhere else. Fuck, send me to hell.
I honestly think I’d be better off there.
That isn’t a choice though. There are no choices here.
This is just what it is. No more. No less. Just… this.
“I don’t need another person to keep out of that basement, Blaine. Go. Home.“ I demand.
“Lance… please?”
“Just a little longer, Blaine. Just a little longer.” I whisper as I turn my attention back to the water. It’s still calm, not a single thing disturbing the surface.
Blaine leans down, putting the pack of cigarettes and lighter next to my head. “Text me if you change your mind, okay?”
I nod as I reach up and pull a cigarette from the pack.
I force it between my lips before patting around with my hand until I find the lighter.
I lay there on my side for an hour. Two hours.
Three. I don’t know. I watch as bugs and critters create ripples in the water, before watching as they fade into nothing.
Then I push to my feet and start walking.
The four-mile walk is one that I’ve made a hundred times over the years, but tonight it feels like it’ll never end.
After about half a mile, I regret not getting my shoes out of Blaine’s jeep before he left.
I smoke a cigarette, then another, and another.
After about the second mile, my footsteps are leaving blood spots on the pavement, but I’m numb. There are only four cigarettes left.
By the time I arrive, I’m staining their driveway with my footsteps the same way I’ve been staining their entire lives. I leave another trail up the stairs and all the way down the hallway to my bedroom.
I don’t think anyone notices. Not even Gatlin.
The maids have it all cleaned up before breakfast. Even the footprints I thought were going to stain the concrete long after I’d gone, they’ve disappeared. It’s like nothing even happened. Every bit of it… a product of my own imagination.
Except my bloody feet.
I hide them.
Warm arms wrap around me, pulling me out of my memories. I glance up over my shoulder, giving Roman a weak smile before I nuzzle deeper into his chest.
“You okay?” He asks as he rubs his face against my hair.
I glance back down at the pot of water that’s finally starting to form little bubbles. Our combined weight leans into the oven, causing it to shake.
My eyes lock onto the water as it starts to ripple again.
“I am now,” I whisper as I slide my fingers between his.