15. Chapter 15 #2
His eyes narrow in suspicion as he glares back at me.
“Alright Roman… I see you.“ He declares as he rolls over and yanks the comforter up to his chin.
I chuckle even though his remark causes my muscles to tense up.
My movements are stiff and less calculated than normal as I finish brushing my teeth.
I manage to knock over my deodorant, cologne, and face cream before my toothbrush is safely back in the holder.
I wouldn’t say that perception is Lance’s greatest quality, but it’s certainly one that he possesses to some degree.
It’s hardly a bad characteristic for a person to have, and that still stands true for Lance…
but not with me. No one ever looks at me hard enough to see what’s underneath.
To everyone else I’m just the asshole that no one is ever willing to fuck with.
I meticulously crafted this persona to get me what I needed, what I wanted.
I made myself into that person for a reason.
There’s this comforting sense of safety in controlling what other people think about you, what narrative they see.
Even though I’ve dropped that mask for Lance, up until this point he was under the assumption that I was just doing what he asked me to, that I was being kind because he forced me to act that way. He isn’t aware that all of it came easy to me, that this version of me is who I actually am.
As I slip my clothes on, there’s a fog of suspicion lingering in the air, dangling between us.
It’s like carbon monoxide, silent and undetectable to the human senses, but that just adds to the danger.
It’s suffocating, making my insides swirl with a sickening twinge of discomfort.
There’s one little unassuming alarm that can catch its presence before it’s too late, and that alarm, the one inside of me, it’s blaring. Deafeningly loud.
I can’t ignore it. I can’t shut it off and forget about it. I can’t pretend that this isn’t important, that it doesn’t change everything. I can’t push it aside and keep going, because the outcome will be devastating if I do.
The last few days have been a constant battle of hiding what I’m really desperate for, my actual feelings, and for what? It’s obviously not been working.
Lance is figuring me out…
and I have no clue what to do about it.
Things between Lance and I have been pretty normal the last few days, but I still have the looming worry that he knows.
Every move I make has to be calculated, because the anxiety of him finding out that I’ve caught feelings and him bolting on me is eating me alive.
I don’t know what I’m supposed to do about it at this point, but I’m in way too deep to stop myself from falling for him now.
Hell, I probably was from the moment we met.
Me:
I think I’ve fucked up.
UIA:
You could never.
I scoff as I read the message while I pace around the shop waiting for our sushi to be ready.
UnderneathItAll seems to hold me in extremely high regards, and for what reason, I’m not entirely sure.
It’s not like he even knows who I am, or his opinion would probably sway in a different direction.
Most people’s opinion would, but maybe not his. On a good day. If I’m lucky.
Me:
I can…
I DID.
The guy I’ve been messing around with…
It’s bad, UIA.
UIA:
I doubt it.
If you tell me what’s going on, then maybe I can help.
Me:
We agreed that there would be no feelings, and I’m breaking that rule.
I’m breaking it A LOT.
UIA:
AWEEEE <3
Dare I say it?
Is my bestie catching…
feelings?!
Me:
If I could roll my eyes at you right now, I would.
This is serious.
Very serious.
I think he’s catching on, UIA.
UIA:
Ummm…
Let him?
What’s the issue here?
Me:
Have you lost your mind?!
He’s like…
like…
a relationship-aphobe or something.
He’s going to bolt at the first sign of feelings.
UIA:
Maybe he’ll surprise you.
I never thought that I’d get close to anyone either, and yet, here I am.
I found you and my FWB in just a few months.
I chuckle to myself as I reach out to take the bag of sushi from the cashier, sliding it on my arm.
UnderneathItAll confuses me. He rarely talks about his friends-with-benefits arrangement, so it’s hard to get a read on how he’s feeling about the whole thing, but I don’t want to push him to talk about it either.
Me:
I don’t think you understand.
This guy…
he’s stubborn, but he’s also scared.
He’s not going to change his mind.
UIA:
Then the answer is simple…
Say bye.
See you later.
Sayonara.
He doesn’t deserve you.
Me:
Again…
If I could roll my eyes, I would.
You aren’t helping and I’m about to meet up with him.
UIA:
That’s pretty good timing.
Mine is on the way back with food now.
I can’t help but smile at his antics. I swear the dude has some serious ADHD quirks sometimes. Most people would probably say that he needs to be medicated, but I think it’s kind of cute. As long as he’s happy, then who gives a shit.
Me:
Focus, UIA.
I need help, and I need it quick.
UIA:
Okay, wait.
I might have the perfect thing…
I walk down the halls slowly as I watch the three dots bounce incessantly on the screen.
I’m not far from the apartment now, so I’m hoping that the reply comes through before I get to the door.
I can’t remember if I left the monitors on when I went to grab lunch, which means that Lance might be able to see me heading back.
Watching me stand outside of my own apartment as I text someone else isn’t exactly boyfriend behavior, now is it?
UIA:
90% of bird species are monogamous. But like humans, they separate on occasion in a process that scientists have (Oh, so uniquely) coined as ‘divorce’.
While lack of breeding, and infidelity by the males are common causes, there are other reasons as well.
It’s more common in birds that migrate, for whatever reason, but there have been cases of completely obscure reasons too.
Things as simple as lack of rainfall, or excessive rainfall.
My point is we don’t always understand the reasoning behind why things happen, or why animals (or people) behave the way they do.
All we can do is watch the beautiful swans swimming on the surface of the lake and hope that maybe…
just maybe, they’ve bonded with one another in a way that could last a lifetime.
If not, then eventually another bird will fill that void.
Me:
So, what you’re saying is that I should let him figure it out and hope for the best.
And if he runs the other way, then I should let him.
UIA:
See!
I knew you’d get it!
Dinner has arrived, so I’ll check back in with you later. Have fun.
I let out a defeated sigh as I tuck my phone back into my pocket. I can’t say that I’m satisfied with the advice he gave me, so I plan to do some serious contemplation before I resort to that option.
I just got Lance. I’m not ready to risk losing him yet.