17. Chapter 17
Chapter seventeen
Roman
The last few days have been… easy. Too easy.
Lance and I have fallen into a pretty normal routine.
He works when he has to, and in his free time he’s at my apartment.
We’ve mostly been hanging out like we’re best friends or something, and as odd as it sounds, it kind of feels like we are.
Aside from the cuddling and touching, obviously.
He’s been at my place so much lately, that I’ve decided to come to the store and grab a few things for him.
Nothing extravagant, just some snacks and drinks to make sure that he’s comfortable when he comes over.
I’m scared to do anything to drastic, because every time I try to do nice things for him, he still clams up.
It’s like he’s never had someone do anything for him, and his immediate reaction is to shut down.
Whatever made him that way, I want to show him that none of it matters anymore. He deserves to be treated good.
I toss some of his favorite granola bars into the shopping cart and head toward the next aisle.
As soon as I round the corner, there he stands, perusing the baking section.
It takes me a second to even gather my wits.
It’s kind of alarming the way his presence instantly affects me, but I enjoy it at the same time.
I’ve never had someone in my life that could make my brain lose focus, and it’s a huge reprieve from the chaos that’s always bouncing around in my head.
There’s just something about Lance that silences everything else in my life. Nothing else matters when he’s around.
I abandon the cart at the end of the row, hugging up against the shelves as I try to sneak up behind him.
As soon as I’m close enough, I dart out and grab him in my arms, lifting him off the floor as I spin around.
He yelps in shock before trying to turn around in my arms to glare at me.
Laughter instantly falls between us as soon as I put him back on the ground.
He straightens out his shirt before batting at my chest playfully.
“You little shit!” He scolds. “You scared the shit out of me!”
I chuckle as I pull him closer to my chest and kiss the top of his head. “That was kind of the point, pretty boy.”
He squirms uncomfortably before pushing against my chest. “Roman! What are you doing?” He hisses as he looks around the shop nervously.
I glance down at him, my brows pinching together in confusion. “What do you— Oh.”
Everything hits me at once. Understanding. Disappointment. Dejection. Mortification. Pain.
I release him, taking a step back as I tuck my hands into my pockets anxiously. I can’t believe that just fucking happened, that I let it happen. I could’ve just kept walking by like I never saw him here, and maybe… maybe I should have.
I guess that after the last few days Lance and I spent together in the privacy of my apartment, it completely slipped my mind that we’re supposed to be different people when we’re in public.
I glance over my shoulder, noting that the cashier is the only person that can see us right now.
Which isn’t ideal, but it’s better than having an audience while being completely and utterly rejected by the person you’ve been infatuated with for months. At least that’s a win. Yay me.
“You have to be more careful, Roman.” He whispers to me apprehensively.
“Yeah. I know. I just— I forgot. Sorry.” I reply as I stare down at the floor.
Even looking at him right now feels like taking a blade to the chest. Here I am, wandering around the fucking shop to get him stuff for my place to make sure that he feels thought about and important to someone, and all he can think about is what?
How fucking embarrassed he is that someone might have seen us together?
What did I actually think would happen? That finally showing him how much I care, genuinely care, was going to make him see something in me that he didn’t already reject?
The only fucking reason he’s interested in spending time with me is because he wants to learn how to do shit with guys, and I’m the only no strings attached option he had.
It’s fucking easy for him. I’m not actually good enough for him.
Everything about this entire situation feels eons more pathetic than it sounds, but to me, the sting is akin to pouring acid on an open wound.
I’m such a fucking moron.
“It’s just that we agreed that we’d keep this between us, you know? Private.“ He explains as he reaches out to touch my arm.
My eyes dart up to his, and the remorse written all over his face causes every negative thought inside my head to combust. I jerk away from his touch, because I don’t fucking want it.
I don’t need his apologetic eyes or his sympathetic expression.
I may have been the outcast, the first gay kid sold off from our family, but I know I’m not worthless.
I have good qualities to offer people and just because they can’t see them, that doesn’t mean I deserve to be treated like shit.
And this? I would take all the belts and beatings over this. Any day.
“Don’t,” I snap. “Don’t fucking touch me.”
His eyes grow wide as he rears back in shock. “Roman… I didn’t mean to—”
I shake my head before interrupting him. “Just… fuck off, Lance.” I demand as I take a few steps away from him. “I don’t have time for this. I have shit to do.”
His eyes trail over my body, trying to calculate what every move I make means. He doesn’t see it though; the dots just aren’t connecting for him.
“Are you going to be at the apartment?” He whispers to me.
I chuckle, but it sounds more like a scoff, just as I intended. “Get back to whatever the fuck you were doing, Lance. I have nothing else to say to you.” I reply before turning around and walking off.
“Roman!” He calls after me, but instead of looking back at him, I just lift my arm in the air and flip him a bird.
Good riddance, I think to myself as I abandon my cart and hightail it back to the safety of my apartment.
I don’t fucking need him anyway.
I don’t believe it though. Not even for a second.
Me:
Life is too fucking complicated.
UIA:
I wish I could explain to you how much that statement resonates with me today.
It’s like I always know exactly what I SHOUDLN’T say, and that’s precisely what comes out of my mouth anyway.
I think I’m just cursed.
That’s a thing, right?
Me:
If you’re cursed, then I’m scared to find out what happened to me.
I must be the devil’s poster child for pining and setting myself up for rejection.
UIA:
I don’t see how that’s even possible.
You’re practically perfect.
How could someone NOT want you?
Me:
I’ll let you ask him that.
Make me feel better.
Tell me something good, UIA.
UIA:
Did you know that in the United States, deer are the wild animal responsible for the most human deaths?
Followed by mosquitos, bees, and wasps.
Me:
Deer?
They don’t even eat meat.
UIA:
Correct. They do cause a lot of fatal car crashes though.
Mosquitos are responsible for transferrable diseases.
Bees and wasps cause life threatening allergic reactions.
Pretty crazy.
Me:
I have no idea how we’re at the top of the food chain.
UIA:
There are a lot of reasons, and most involve our brain.
We have complex thoughts and process information significantly better than any other species.
We’re also incredibly skilled at making tools to help us complete tasks that we can’t do on our own.
Then, there’s our diet, of course. We can eat a pretty diverse menu. We’re much more flexible than most mammals.
Me:
Your brain is incredible.
It might be my favorite thing about you.
UIA:
You’re too sweet.
I enjoy sharing with you.
You’re the only person who’s ever really appreciated it.
Me:
I hate that you’re stuck in this place.
You could do so much in the real world.
You deserve better.
UIA:
So do you.
I scoff as I stare down at the message on my phone.
Moments like this, they make me grateful that he doesn’t actually know who I am.
He wouldn’t believe that I deserve better than this place if he did.
I have zero adaptable skills, and my social etiquette is seriously lacking.
I say exactly what I think when I think it.
That pisses a lot of people off, and it would probably cost me a lot of jobs out in the real world.
I wasn’t raised to survive outside of a structured compound.
This is exactly where I deserve to be. Where I belong.
UIA:
Don’t roll your eyes at me, mister.
I can’t help but chuckle as I type out my next message.
I’m also feeling a little bit smug, because all the coding that I stayed up digging through last night seems to have fixed whatever was causing the empty messages to come through.
I kept looking at the message set-up, but it turned out to be a problem with the send initiative. Go me.
Me:
It’s like you know me or something.
My front door opens with a quiet snick, and like normal I don’t pay any attention to it.
Usually, Jett comes and goes as he pleases, rarely hanging around for very long.
If I had been paying attention, I would have remembered that Jett let Lance off for the day, and he won’t be back to the apartment until tomorrow, if at all.
I also just helped him navigate his way to the fucking shop while Everest was at his appointment with Wilder.
Instead of piecing all of that together, I’m still staring down at my phone, waiting on another message to come through when an unexpected voice startles me.
“What exactly was that about?” Lance asks as he pulls the strap of his bag over his shoulder and drops it over the back of the couch.
I glance up at him briefly before returning my attention to my phone. “Why are you here, Lance?”
“The same reason I’ve been here for the last month. Why did you get such an attitude with me at the shop?”
I can’t help the defeated exhale that escapes me as I lock my phone and toss it onto the desk beside me. “Isn’t that what you said to do?”
“No. I mean… I—” He pauses, his face giving away exactly how perplexed his is by a situation that he created. “Okay. Okay, yeah. I did… but you still have an attitude, and I did not ask for that.”
I roll my eyes before turning to my computer and firing up the camera feeds just to have something else to focus on. “I’m not in the right headspace to be your fake boyfriend today, so you should probably just go home, Lance.”
“No. Uh-uh, that’s not how this works.“ He demands as he rushes around the couch and plops down with his arms crossed. “You said there was going to be give and take. You don’t get to coddle me when I’m fighting my demons and then push me away when you’re struggling with yours. We aren’t playing that game.”
I turn back around to glare at him. “This isn’t a game. I’m not going to be nice today, Lance. Unless you want this arrangement to be over, then I suggest you take my advice and leave.”
“Nope,” he says sternly as he leans over and grabs the blanket off the corner of the couch. “Everyone has bad days. If you don’t want to talk about it, then I’ll sit right here and watch television. You won’t even know I’m here.”
I glare at him, completely dumbfounded, as he cuddles up in the corner of the couch closest to me and scrolls through the channels to find something to watch as if this were his home. He must feel me staring, because he glances over at me.
“What?” He asks innocently as he finally decides on something to watch.
“Nothing,” I reply as I shake my head in disbelief, turning back around to my desk.
This is typical Lance. As soon as I decide that things have gone too far, that it’s time to push him away, he claws his way inside my inner sanctum and calls it home.
He just has this way of worming himself into every crevice of my being, and I don’t know that I could remove him even if I tried.
I want to, though. I’m so exhausted of being his dirty little secret.
I keep hoping and praying that he’ll open his eyes and see how much I care about him, that the light bulb will flicker on, and all the pieces will finally click together for him.
It’s hopeless though, because even if he did see it, I don’t think he’d want it.
I don’t mean anything to him. When we’re outside of this apartment and run into one another, I have to force myself not to rush over to him while he barely even meets my glances with indifference.
Every single day my resolve breaks a little more.
Who am I even trying to convince though?
I’ve been in this prison for years, and not a single guy caught my attention before him.
He’s the first person that’s ever made my breath catch in my lungs, that’s ever made me want to swallow the words stuck in my throat, and the only one that’s ever made me want to be myself.
I never plan on letting him go, no matter how shitty he treats me.
He means everything to me. Everything. I just don’t know how much longer I can hang by this thread.