28. Chapter 28
Chapter twenty-eight
Lance
“I think I’m gonna head up to the pool, wanna join me?” Roman asks as he tosses his napkin onto his plate.
My first thought, of course, is where the fuck is Roman and what has this alien done with him? Roman? Swimming? In what universe?
“You aren’t supposed to swim after eating, Roman.” I mumble around the last bite of my dinner as I cover my mouth. Roman takes my plate and tosses both of ours in the trash. I’m not really a fan of paper plates, but there aren’t a lot of options when you’re staying in a hotel.
“I was just planning to lounge around, not swim a marathon.” He retorts with a chuckle. “Have you been out there at night? The view is incredible.”
My eyes dart over to his room, wondering what he’s going to wear to swim, and then back at him.
I can’t help glance down at his abdomen, and he immediately raises a hand to cover it even though he has a shirt on.
I don’t understand why he’s so protective over it.
It doesn’t make sense. I can almost bet that he’s still going to keep a shirt on to get in the pool, but if I could just see what’s underneath there, I would know.
“Umm… sure. I’ll get changed.“ I agree as I stand up and push my chair beneath the bar.
“I’ll meet you up there?”
I nod in agreement before walking off to put on my swimsuit.
I rip off my clothes, tossing my lingerie to the side so that it doesn’t get bleached in the pool.
The entire time I’m digging through my bag and getting dressed, my anxiety creeps higher and higher until it’s this raging beast clawing at my insides.
I’m torn between wanting to find out and being scared shitless that I’m about to know when I most definitely should not.
If it is Roman, will he be mad that I know?
Will he be mad that he’s been talking to me the entire time?
Will I be mad? All that time I thought that I was getting space from him, if he is SeeYouClearly, then I officially accomplished… nothing.
Only our suite and the one across the elevator from ours have access to the rooftop pool, so there’s an eerie silence as I push open the metal door at the top of the stairs.
There are little fairy lights strung along the perimeter that faintly light the patio, but the pool has brighter lights that illuminate the water and the transparent glass edge of the pool.
The door clatters closed behind me, causing me to spin around, my heart thundering in my chest. There’s spray paint on the exterior wall that draws my attention.
It almost seems out of place for a hotel this fancy.
The giant numbers six-one-four were obviously meant to be a statement, one that I definitely don’t understand.
The paint runs, dripping down the wall from over saturation in a purposeful way that almost makes me feel sad for whoever left it there.
I almost wish I would’ve brought my phone to take a picture of it, but I didn’t, so I spin back around to take in the view.
Roman turns from the edge of the pool, which is the edge of the freaking building, to look back at me.
He seems to stand comfortably, even in the deeper end, but I doubt it’ll be as easy for me.
He stretches out an arm, summoning me without a single word.
My eyes dart to the skyline behind him, and I curse myself for agreeing to come up here.
“Jesus. The things I do in the name of… whatever the fuck this is.
“ I mutter to myself as I rip off my shirt and toss it onto a lounge chair.
Roman watches me as I teeter on the edge of the pool before pushing off into the shallow end.
He swims toward me, wrapping his arms around my back and pulling himself around my waist playfully.
“You’re nervous.” It’s a statement, an observation, not a question.
He stops in front of me, his hands still on my body. I run my fingers through his damp hair, pushing it back from his face as I look down at him. “I’m not a huge fan of heights.” I admit.
He leans his head into my touch, a soft desperation for affection that I hadn’t even realized I missed until now.
“I’ll stay with you. We don’t have to go all the way to the edge, just close enough so that you can see everything.
” He offers as he pushes back, still close enough to keep a hand on me at all times.
I was right. Roman is still fully dressed, but he’s wearing a white shirt.
I know that as soon as he stands up, I’ll be able to see the dark ink that decorates his skin underneath it, but I still haven’t decided if I even want that.
SeeYouClearly and I agreed not to give away our identities for a reason.
Losing Roman was devastating on its own, what would happen if I lost them both?
I swallow my nerves as I submerge the rest of my body and push myself closer to the edge.
The array of multi-colored lights shine like beacons in the night sky, and it’s a truly mesmerizing sight.
Roman doesn’t leave my side as we inch closer to the edge, always near enough to keep a hand on me.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him watching, but he isn’t watching the flickering lights in the distance. He’s watching me.
“I’ve never seen anything like this…” I whisper as my eyes dart to the edge of the pool. My fear has slowly faded into wonder, and I think for a second that maybe I could stand at the glass overhang.
“Me either,” he agrees without taking his eyes off me. My cheeks flush as a small smile rises on my lips. This moron.
I look back at the transparent wall in front of us, feeling a little more confident. “I want to go to the edge.”
He pulls himself closer, plastering himself to my back as he wraps his arms around me. “I’m with you. However far you want to go, I’ll be here.”
I hold his arms against my chest, clinging to his bravery, as I drag us forward until I’m close enough to reach out and rest my hands against the glass beneath the water.
His presence remains steady behind me, but he reaches up to cling to the top of the wall.
He leans around my shoulder to see my face.
“What do you think?”
I don’t move, my eyes still glued to the world below us.
I can hardly focus on anything though, because Roman is so close that those wayward thoughts sneak back in.
The ones of his lips finally pressing up against mine, of him finally trying.
When I don’t answer him, instead of what I want, he leans forward to trail kisses down my neck.
I smile weakly as I tilt my head to the side, getting lost in the affection he is willing to give.
Even if I can’t have all of him, ever, I can’t deny missing the parts of him I did have.
Every day. Every single day, I missed at least some part of him.
No matter where I went. No matter what I did.
He was always there, in the back of my mind, in my periphery. Haunting me.
I don’t know why Roman and I have this connection.
Why he feels like my lifeblood. My home.
I don’t know why every part of his soul meshes with mine perfectly.
I don’t know why we were destined to dance in perfect synchronization with one another.
I want it, though. All of it. So bad that my hands are trembling beneath the water, creating little ripples on the surface.
I could be minutes, seconds even, away from knowing the answer to the question that’s been plaguing me for months, but I’m still torn.
There’s one simple fact that I have to come to terms with, and fast. It doesn’t matter if Roman is SeeYouClearly or not, there’s absolutely no way I can let him go again.
I can be sad, or rage, or be devastated, whatever, for however long I need, but I’m going to have to figure out how to make it work eventually.
I can’t live without him now. I just can’t.
I spin around between his arms and push him back. He follows my lead, paddling backward until we reach the shallow end again. I put my hand on his chest, forcing him to keep moving until he bumps against the edge of the pool.
His brows scrunch together as he tries to figure out what I’m doing. “Lance?”
I clear my throat, trying to gather the courage I need to do this. I just need to rip off the band aid. The sooner this is over, the sooner I can move past it.
“Stand up,” I demand.
He doesn’t think. He doesn’t blink. He stands.
I watch as the water drips from his body, raining down around him.
At first, I can’t look. My eyes dart around to every part of him except for that.
The shirt that clings to his flesh isn’t hiding anything beneath it now, and it’s the most I’ve ever seen of his body.
I reach up, running my hand from his collar bone to the exact spot it should sit, but I still can’t convince myself to look.
I keep my hand covering it as I lock my eyes with his.
“A macaw?” I guess, because somewhere deep down… I know.
He smirks, completely unaware to the gravity of this moment, what’s actually unfolding between us. “Yeah,” he replies without a single hint of concern.
I try to return a smile, but I’m not sure it works.
I look down, snaking my hands beneath his shirt so that I can lift the wet fabric just enough to see what it’s hiding.
My fingers trace along the lines of ink softly, almost reverently, but not quiet.
I’m not sure that I feel much of anything good in this moment.
Confused? Yeah. Torn? Absolutely. Even hurt, but nothing pleasant.
“Because they mate for life?” I ask as I glance up at him.
His eyes narrow in suspicion, but he nods to confirm what I already knew.
He watches carefully, almost cautiously, as I lift my hand away from his flesh and let the shirt fall back into place.
He keeps his eyes locked on mine as I slowly push to my feet.
Emotion is fueling every movement I make, and the thoughts inside my brain…
they’re volatile. Unpredictable. I’m back and forth between all the possible extremes on the spectrum, unable to settle on anything concrete.
My skin is vibrating, pulsing as if it has its own heartbeat.
The cool air pierces my flesh like needles where the heated water flows off my body.
I’m standing there, at the precipice, and I honestly can’t tell if I’m already falling or not.
The space between the two of us is suffocating, entirely to close, causing me to feel claustrophobic, while simultaneously being far too much distance.
The sensations are overwhelming, and I want to claw at my own skin, create wounds deep enough to let all these thoughts pour out into the pool until it’s overflowing to the street below like a waterfall.
My trembling hand reaches up, my fingers tentatively finding his lips.
He sucks in a breath, pulling his bottom lip between his teeth for just a second before I reach it.
His eyes never leave mine, even when I look away to watch as my fingers dance along the part of him I crave the most. What I have of him?
It’s not enough. When it comes to Roman, enough doesn’t exist. I switch to my thumb so that I can feel both his bottom and top lip with a single finger.
The confusion radiating from him is palpable, but I ignore it.
I don’t have answers to the questions he likely has anyway.
“Say the word, Lanc—”
I press my thumb against his lips, silencing him. “Shhh…“ I demand as I tilt my head in thought.
Say the word.
That’s the thing though, isn’t it? I already said the words. All of them.
I said I wanted to give him something that I had never given anyone else.
I practically begged him. I’m the one that went to his apartment every single fucking day.
I’m the one that gave up all of my free time to be with him.
I’m the one that gave him parts of my past, of myself, like cherry blossoms raining from the skies.
I’m the one that gave and gave, and now…
I don’t think there’s anything left for me to give.
I’m slipping from reality one second at a time.
The world has opened up a chasm, and it’s sucking me in.
I can feel myself disappearing into the aether, turning into nothing but dust and molecules with every tick of the clock.
Every word he said as Roman and as SeeYouClearly become divided.
They’re the same person to me, but to him…
to him I’m not the same person he chats with.
The things that he’s done and said to me from behind the protection of his phone screen, they’re no longer sweet.
They’re infuriating. Tainted. Why didn’t I get the same treatment?
Why the fuck would he give someone that he doesn’t even know more parts of himself than he gave me?
I wrap my fingers around his jaw as I lean close enough to whisper. “Do you remember that night? I was laying on the floor in your living room, Roman.”
He swallows, giving me a curt nod.
“I was hurt… and confused. You said that I wasn’t getting anything else from you until every part of me belonged to you, right?
“ I ask as I run my nose along his jawline. His lips are so close to mine that I could steal what I want, and he wouldn’t even have time to deny me.
The pull between us is so damn infuriating, because right now, I don’t want it.
I don’t want any of these feelings. How can every part of me crave him when it doesn’t even feel like he’s the person I knew?
He doesn’t feel safe to me. This doesn’t feel enlightening or freeing.
Right now? It’s like thumbtacks embedded beneath my skin.
It’s tension in my jaw that’s causing me to clench my teeth to the point of pain.
It’s like pouring boiling water into a Styrofoam cup.
Filling, but causes irreparable damage. My entire body wants him, but it’s on high alert because this is the worst form of betrayal I’ve ever experienced.
To be honest, it doesn’t feel like Roman Easton is a friend anymore, but it doesn’t feel like he’s nothing either.
He’s standing on the other side of enemy lines, now.
“Mhm,” he hums back at me distractedly.
“That’s unfortunate…” I reply as I mindlessly rub my thumb along his scruff. “Because there’s nothing left of me for you to take, Roman.”
I lean back slowly, seeing his face fall as he watches me.
I give him barely another second of my time before patting his cheek condescendingly and climbing from the pool.
This time, I’m the one walking away. He may not be completely exposed on the living room floor, in fact, he may not feel exposed at all, but you know what they say…
Ignorance is bliss.