Chapter Twelve
Liv’s in the ward overnight for observation, so the rest of us sit in Ben’s drawing room as the chill night sends shivers through the air.
Ben’s dad, David, home from London, builds the fire up, and against the gentle crackle of the kindling we give David and Chrissie a debrief.
They are appalled, utterly appalled at what happened.
Surprisingly, it is calm, easy-going David who does the unthinkable and shouts at his only son – a fact that takes me completely by surprise, making me jump as he booms at Ben how he can move away from home for the first time without incident, but returns to his own home and ‘nearly kills someone’.
I start to defend Ben, but he gives me a quick look to stop me while he sits there, just taking it from his dad.
My mum would never speak to me like that and, while I love and adore her, if I was being accused of something heinous in such a way, I’d shout back.
Mum taught me to stand up for myself and I’m not sure why Ben merely takes it, but, unbelievably, he does.
I’m not sure who I despise more: David for being so horrible or Chrissie for not bothering to defend her son. Ben did nothing wrong.
And then an awkward silence settles in. The men are holding brandies and Chrissie and I are drinking coffee, but no one’s really doing anything.
I’m still staring in surprise at David, but he doesn’t care what I think, a fact that is confirmed when he doesn’t even look at me for the rest of the time I’m in the room.
Ben is the first to rise, declare his intention to go to bed. ‘I’ve had enough of today. I’m exhausted,’ he says.
‘Ben,’ I stop him and he gives me a kiss as he passes. ‘Goodnight,’ I say, looking at his retreating figure with concern as he opens the creaky wooden door and then closes it behind him. Is that how family arguments are solved in this house? By not solving them at all? This is mental.
David downs his drink and says goodnight to Ollie, and I watch Chrissie give me a sympathetic smile before she dutifully follows David up to bed. Upstairs, I hear more raised voices. They’ve obviously cornered Ben in the corridor.
‘They’re awful people,’ I say quietly to Ollie, who’s next to me on the expensive-looking floral sofa, but he’s staring into his glass. I’m not sure if he’s drunk any of his brandy. ‘Ollie?’ I ask.
He swallows and looks at me forlornly. He’s said barely anything all day.
‘Ollie?’ I repeat, more concerned now.
He looks as if he doesn’t know what to say. His pained expression deepens and then he says, ‘I didn’t do anything.’
‘What do you mean?’ I ask.
‘I didn’t do anything. When Ben pulled Liv out the water, I didn’t do anything. I just froze. I … froze.’
‘So did I,’ I say immediately and I watch him, waiting for more. But there is no more, so I continue, reading between the lines. ‘You feel guilty in some way?’
He winces and then nods. ‘Yeah.’
‘Why do you feel guilty? Because you didn’t know what to do? Neither did I.’
‘It’s not only that. Liv’s my girlfriend. I didn’t do anything to help her. I didn’t notice her go in, didn’t notice her drowning—’
‘You were asleep.’
‘Was I? I don’t remember. I … I didn’t know what to do. My mind went blank. I went blank. It was like I wasn’t even there. I was so stunned – so … stunned.’
‘It doesn’t matter,’ I reinforce my point. ‘It doesn’t matter because Ben did know what to do. And he did it.’
‘Exactly. I didn’t know what to do in a crisis. A medical crisis. What kind of fucking wannabe doctor can’t remember what to do when someone drowns, can’t even ring an ambulance?’
‘Oh,’ I say slowly, because I finally get it. ‘Oh, I see. Ollie, listen, you’ve only been training to be a doctor for a few months. Please don’t imagine you need to be able to save the world after that short a time.’
‘I didn’t need to save the world. I needed to save my girlfriend and, when I couldn’t, Ben did. And then I couldn’t even bloody ring for an ambulance. I couldn’t do anything. I just froze.’
‘Ollie.’ I turn fully to him on the sofa and pull him towards me, holding him tightly and wanting so much for him not to feel like this. ‘Ten years, you said. Ten years before you’d be a proper, all-singing, all-dancing specialist doctor.’
He pulls back and smiles, sadly.
‘In ten years, if you can’t give CPR or ring an ambulance, then you’ve probably got a bit of a problem with your career choice—’
He interrupts with a reluctant laugh.
‘But after such a short amount of time … Ollie, come on … please don’t do this to yourself.’
He nods, although I’m not sure he’s agreeing with me, merely wanting me to stop talking.
‘She’d have died,’ he says. ‘If it had only been me and Liv in the pool, she’d have died.’
‘One crisis,’ I tell him.
‘I don’t think I have it in me.’
‘Have what?’
‘The ability to be a good doctor,’ he says. I try to cut in, but Ollie continues, ‘How did Ben know to do all that? How did he manage to keep so calm?’
I shrug slowly. ‘He has a pool. Maybe the pool company gives you a lifesaving lesson when they install it?’
Ollie looks at me as if I’m mad.
‘Maybe he’s had some sort of training at school or something,’ I bluff.
‘He was fast,’ Ollie laments. ‘Like … superhero-fast.’
I smile. He was. Ben was amazing. Incredible. I’m so proud of him. His parents should be too, but they just shouted at him.
‘You will learn all of this on your course,’ I tell Ollie.
‘You’ll be a doctor in ten years’ time and you will know bloody everything.
You’ll be amazing and I will be so proud of you, and every time one of us gets some kind of minor injury or whatever, we’ll be ringing you because you’ll be the one who knows how to save everyone.
You’ll be the one who knows what to do. Every single time. ’
He smiles again, this time with a bit more enthusiasm.
‘Don’t let this one thing ruin everything amazing you’re going to achieve,’ I tell him.
Ollie breathes in, exhales long and loud. ‘OK,’ he says with determination. ‘OK. Thanks.’
‘Any time,’ I say. ‘Now go to bed. As my mum likes to say when I’m pissed off and tired, and catastrophising about something: tomorrow’s another day and everything always looks brighter in the morning.’
He pulls me towards him, hugs me as tightly as I just hugged him. He holds me for a long time. ‘I will. Thanks, Aury.’
I watch him go and then, when he’s left the room, I pick up Ollie’s untouched brandy, tip it into my mug of coffee and stand by the fire, watching the flames disappear up the chimney.
My coffee’s cold now, but the heat from the flames and the warmth of the brandy as it hits my stomach mean I don’t really notice.
I sip distractedly and watch the fire for ages as the lone log burns itself down to embers, then I place the fire-guard back in front of the fire and make a decision.
I climb the stairs and walk towards my room, but instead of going inside it, I head opposite, knock gently on the door to Ben’s room. He doesn’t answer immediately and so I knock again and hear him mumble, ‘Come in.’
‘Hey,’ I say slowly as I enter the dark space.
I hear him shuffle into a sitting position and he switches on his lamp. ‘Hey,’ he replies, bleary-eyed. ‘You OK?’
‘Yeah,’ I say softly, closing the door behind me. ‘You OK?’
‘You know,’ he says, non-committally.
‘Can I come in?’
‘You are in.’
‘Ha-ha. It’s OK that I’m in? That’s what I’m asking.’
He nods and I walk over to the edge of his bed, sit down and ask Ben, ‘How are you feeling?’
‘I’m all right,’ he says, looking anything but. ‘I’m not the one in hospital. I’m just hosting the weekend house-party from hell.’
A small laugh escapes my lips. ‘It’s been a bit crazy. Liv’s parents texted me back. They’re going to pop over tomorrow and grab her things from here, take her home from hospital. I guess we’ll see her after Christmas?’
‘Mad times’ is all Ben has to say about that.
‘You were incredible today,’ I tell him meaningfully.
‘Thanks.’
‘How did you know how to do that? How to save her like that?’
‘Seen it on TV, I guess. Don’t know. Sort of winged it.’
‘Really? God, don’t tell Ollie that, will you?’
‘Why not?’
‘He’s having an existential crisis about being a doctor.’
‘He was fucking appalling,’ Ben says.
‘No, Ben, he wasn’t. Ollie was … stunned. So was I.’
‘He literally wants to do a job where he spends his time saving people’s lives.’
I narrow my eyes. We need to move on. ‘I didn’t corridor-creep into your room to talk about Ollie.
I want to talk about you. I want to tell you how amazing you are.
And I don’t know what kind of batshit-crazy nonsense your dad was spouting, but you are fantastic and wonderful and the most incredible person.
And I want you to know that. I want you to hear that today, from someone who cares so much about you.
I want you to know that you are … are … I’m so tired, I’ve run out of describing words. ’
‘“Describing words”? You mean “adjectives”? Aren’t you doing an English degree?’
‘Fuck off,’ I say, punching him lightly on his bare shoulder.
He laughs and then reaches out to touch my face softly. ‘Thanks for coming in here and offering me all your describing words. I really needed them.’
‘Even though you were sleeping?’
‘Even though I was sleeping.’
I look longingly at him, this fantastic man who saved our friend’s life, who got shouted at by his dad for no reason, and I’m about to tell him what I think I’ve known for a few weeks now, which I implicitly felt the moment his dad shouted at him – my decision downstairs cemented as I stared into the fire.
‘So why did you corridor-creep then,’ he asks, ‘if not to talk about today?’
‘You told me I’m only allowed to corridor-creep if you’ve worn me down enough to fall in love with you.’
His expression changes.
‘Ben?’ I start.
‘Yeah?’ he replies in an expectant whisper.
‘I love you.’
His eyes flicker in surprise and his mouth opens slightly. ‘Really?’
‘Yes,’ I say. ‘I love you.’
He leans forward and lifts me towards him and I shuffle higher up the bed, kneeling over him, pinning him to the bed under his duvet.
‘Tell me again,’ he says softly. ‘I want to hear you say it again.’
‘I,’ I put my lips on his, kiss him gently and pull back.
‘Love,’ I kiss him again. ‘You,’ I say finally and let my lips linger on his longer this time, let his mouth caress mine, let him move underneath me so that the duvet is no longer between us, and he flips me so that I’m underneath him on the bed, so that my jeans and jumper are slowly being removed, releasing me from my outfit and into the warm arms of a naked Ben as he holds me, kisses me, touches me.
After weeks and weeks and weeks of teasing, he makes love to me, looks into my eyes and tells me, ‘I love you too.’