Chapter Twenty-Two
Aurora
I wait for Ben in his room for what feels like an eternity.
The noise from downstairs slowly diminishes, the front door opening and closing periodically as guests start to leave.
I hear people come upstairs to use the loo and every time there’s a tread on the stairs I will it to be Ben.
Or Liv, so I can talk to her. Or Ollie, so he can hold me tight and tell me everything will be OK.
I think I want it to be Ollie more than any of them.
But that would only put off the inevitable.
I really need Ben to come to bed so we can talk and, eventually, he does. He staggers in and I should be nervous, given what I’m going to do. But I’m not. I’m strangely calm. I’ve had a couple of hours to plan what I’m going to say and how I’m going to deliver it.
‘You’re awake,’ he says. He’s not smiling.
He looks disappointed I’m not asleep, and I wonder if he’s been hanging out downstairs so he could purposely avoid me.
He must think I’m cross, think I’m fuming at how he’s behaved – at how terribly he’s fallen off the wagon. But I’m not. I’m just disappointed.
‘I love you,’ I tell him.
Because I do. And because it’s important that he knows this when I say what I say next.
I remember the first time I told him this.
Alcohol had been the cause of Liv’s near-death experience, of Ben doing something incredible and saving her; of his terrible parents making me hate them, making me fall in love with their son.
And then I told Ben I loved him. Because I did.
I still do. But although this declaration of love follows another alcohol-fuelled disaster, this is a different kind of love being spoken about, because it’s not the start of something. It’s the end.
‘I love you,’ I tell him again. He’s drunk. But not so drunk that he can’t sustain a conversation. He must know what’s coming, because he doesn’t say it back. Instead he looks forlornly at the floor.
‘I sense a “but” coming,’ he replies. His gaze lifts, his eyes are bloodshot.
‘I can’t do this any more.’
Ben nods, slowly. Resigned. He doesn’t even pretend he didn’t see it coming, and I think this surprises me more than anything.
Because if he’d known this was on the cards, why didn’t he do anything to stop it?
Did he provoke me into this reaction? Is that what tonight was all about?
I shake my head sadly. I thought this would be difficult, but if anything, Ben’s just made it a hundred times easier.
He’s not putting up a fight and this saddens me so much. He’s not fighting for us. Not any more.
I want to list all the reasons why. But it’s as if he doesn’t care. Or as if he already knows and doesn’t want a list of his failings read out to him. I can’t blame him for that.
‘I’m going to leave,’ I say. I’ve spent the last couple of hours packing up some of my clothes and toiletries.
Everything I need is in two holdalls inside my room.
I knew, in my heart of hearts, that whatever Ben said in here wouldn’t undo my decision.
I knew I’d leave. But I didn’t expect zero fight while I did it.
I want to move towards Ben and hold him one final time. I’m not sure what it will do to me, because I do still love him. I just don’t love the man he’s turned into. Perhaps he was always going to be this way and I didn’t see the signs. This mess is mostly my fault.
‘Is it because of Ollie?’ Ben surprises me by asking, before I even get the chance to step forward and hug him.
‘What?’ I ask with genuine surprise.
‘Is it because of Ollie?’ he asks again. ‘Are you two cheating on me and Liv?’ Ben’s eyes look into mine with an unnerving sense of purpose.
‘Oh my God,’ I say, still stunned. ‘No. Why would you think that?’
‘Because I’ve seen the two of you. Small, snatched moments. Blink and you’d miss it – moments of … close proximity, of you touching him or Ollie touching you. Tonight was a case in point.’
‘What on earth are you talking about? “Proximity”?’
‘The way he looks at you. The way you sometimes look at Ollie. There’s something there, isn’t there? Don’t pretend you have no idea what I’m talking about.’
‘I don’t,’ I enthuse. ‘I really don’t. He’s one of my best friends.’
‘That’s how it starts.’
I shake my head. ‘No. It doesn’t.’
‘Tonight you were in each other’s arms. By the stairs. For all to see. I saw.’
‘You can’t use that against me. Ollie was comforting me.’
‘I bet he was.’
‘Not like that. Liv was there.’
‘Liv was with me in the kitchen, playing games.’
‘She was there at the start …’ I stop speaking. What’s the point in all this? This wasn’t the kind of fight I expected: for Ben to think Ollie and me are doing the dirty on the pair of them.
‘You’re going to get together with Ollie,’ he says. ‘I can see it. And. It. Will. Kill. Me.’
‘Ben,’ I say softly. ‘I’m not. It’s not like that.’
‘Promise me,’ Ben says, ‘that when you walk out on me, you aren’t going straight to him.’
‘I’m not going to Ollie.’
‘Promise me,’ he says again and he’s not angry, he’s desperately, desperately sad.
‘Promise me you and Ollie aren’t going to get together.
Promise me this isn’t what you breaking up with me is all about.
I mean it, Aurora. The thought of you and Ollie getting together – he’s my best friend.
And I’m in love with you. I’ll lose you both. It will kill me.’
Oh God. ‘OK,’ I nod. ‘I promise.’
‘Why don’t I believe you?’
‘I don’t know,’ I reply and tears form in my eyes. I’m so scared for Ben. His thought process is ruining me, ruining him, ruining all of us. What’s going on inside his head? ‘I don’t know why you don’t believe me. But I promise you, I’m not getting together with Ollie.’
He looks at the floor again and I barely hear his next words as he says, ‘Bye, Aurora.’
‘I don’t want to leave like this.’
‘Then don’t,’ he challenges me.
‘I’m so scared for you.’
‘I’m not about to fucking kill myself over you,’ he says sharply.
I’m taken aback, because wasn’t that what he was suggesting? ‘OK, then I’m sorry about how this worked out, how this is ending. I do love you, you know.’
‘That’s what makes it even worse,’ he replies. ‘I’m going to the bathroom now. When I come back, you’d better not be here.’
I issue a startled noise and watch as Ben leaves the room and I hear the bathroom door slam.
If Ollie and Liv haven’t heard all this, it’d be a miracle.
I leave Ben’s room and go to mine, gather my bags and know I’ll have to talk to Ollie and Liv about helping me pack up the rest of my stuff and getting it to me without having to encounter Ben again. I can’t come back here.
I put my hand on Liv’s closed door and whisper goodbye. Then I go to Ollie’s door, resisting the urge to knock. I can’t be seen to be near him – not now, not ever probably. Not if I want to keep Ben safe from himself. I place my hand on Ollie’s door and whisper the same goodbye. And then I leave.