Chapter Thirty
I wish I’d made more effort now. Liv arrives at the coffee shop looking stunning. I’d forgotten how gorgeous she is.
‘Hey,’ I say, getting up when she arrives so that I can greet her. We automatically hug, because anything else would be stand-offish.
‘Hey yourself,’ she says, all smooth tones and polished hair, high up in a long straight ponytail. She’s in her lunch hour and so I’ve come over to the City near her office. I’ve got an afternoon of free study, on what is beginning to feel like a never-ending journey to becoming a doctor.
‘I got you a cappuccino,’ I tell her.
‘I’m a double-espresso girl these days, but thanks,’ she says, taking a sip after gliding into her chair. ‘How are you?’
‘All right,’ I reply honestly, ignoring the double-espresso comment. ‘How are you?’
‘Same. Busy.’ She flicks a glance at her watch, but she’s only just got here.
‘Yeah, same.’ Oh Christ, this is hardcore.
‘So …’ Liv says and waits for me to say something.
‘Good to see you. It’s been a while,’ I respond.
‘It has. You look well.’
We could play this game all day, but I decide to cut to the chase. ‘I’m sorry how it ended between us.’
She looks taken aback at my abruptness, then adopts a stubborn face, as if she’s about to chastise me, lay into me for breaking her heart the way I clearly did before she dumped me.
But instead she says, ‘Fine. If you want to get into it so early on, then – me too. I know we weren’t kind to each other towards the end, but …
I didn’t know how to proceed. I loved you. You just didn’t love me.’
‘I did.’
‘In your own way.’
‘I suppose. Yeah,’ I say and it feels like a cop-out.
‘You weren’t in love with me, were you?’ she questions.
I squirm in my chair. ‘I’m not sure.’
‘That means no,’ Liv laughs out the sentence bitterly.
‘I’m sorry,’ I reply meaningfully. ‘I really am. I don’t know what else to say.’
‘There’s nothing you can say.’
I sip my coffee. I bought it ages ago. It’s cold now. Hers must be too, but Liv sips it all the same.
I’m going to cut to the chase. ‘I wanted to find out how you felt about seeing Ben again.’
Liv inhales, exhales long and slow. ‘Why are you asking that?’
‘Aury mentioned that she’d love the four of us to be friends again. The way it used to be.’
‘It can never be that,’ Liv says.
‘It could be, if you wanted it to be.’
‘So I’m the problem?’ Liv protests.
‘No, I didn’t say that.’
‘You implied it.’
Well, this isn’t going well, is it? ‘That’s not what I meant at all,’ I reply softly. ‘I thought: it’s been nearly three years since the accident. To err is human, to forgive is divine,’ I go on, quoting a phrase I heard my dad say once.
Liv rolls her eyes. ‘What do you want me to do?’
‘Just show up, if Aury tries to organise something where Ben would also be present.’
‘Like a showdown?’
‘No, like a gathering, or a dinner. I don’t know.’
‘I don’t know, either, Ollie. Ben nearly killed me.’
‘It was an accident.’
‘Maybe,’ Liv says. ‘Maybe not.’
‘What does that mean?’
‘Ben wasn’t in control. He was angry.’
‘At what?’ I say warily. This is news to me.
‘What do you think he was angry about? Aurora had just broken up with him. You were texting her. He felt – low, abandoned, friendless, betrayed.’
Deep down I knew this. His mental state wasn’t good then.
‘And you hate him for feeling that and driving into the back of a car? You knew how badly Ben was doing and yet …’ Whoa, I can’t say the rest of that sentence if I want to get out of this coffee shop alive.
‘And yet …?’ Liv queries and then finishes for me. ‘And yet I got in the car with him?’
I squirm again. God, I’m a coward sometimes.
‘Yes, I got in the car with him. For all the reasons he was sad, I was sad too. My friend had left, my boyfriend was texting her and was angry at me for being drunk with Ben at a party. It was a horrible mess. I wanted to make you jealous.’
‘By doing what?’
‘By going off with Ben.’
‘To Tesco?’ I query.
‘I was pissed off at you,’ Liv says in frustration, a little louder now. ‘It didn’t matter where Ben wanted to go. I just wanted to get away from you and go somewhere with him.’
Now we’re getting to the heart of it. She’s angry at me, at Ben, at Aury and at herself. There’s a lot of pent-up anger in Liv. She’s such a different person from the girl I met at uni.
‘I always worried about you and Aurora. Always,’ she goes on.
‘Don’t do this,’ I say quietly. ‘There’s nothing there.’
‘There is. But it’s water under the bridge now. I’ve moved on.’
‘Have you moved on enough to forgive Ben?’
Secretly I think she needs to forgive him and herself, but this isn’t a therapy session and Liv would probably throw cold coffee over me if I dared suggest it.
She sighs. ‘I guess. Maybe. Let me think about it.’
‘But it’s not a no.’
‘It’s not a no,’ she agrees, somewhat reluctantly.
‘Good,’ I say and smile sadly. ‘I’ve missed all of us being together. If the three of us hang out and you’re not there, it won’t be the same.’
She smiles, flattered. ‘I’m just worried about Ben,’ she replies genuinely, now sounding more like her old self. ‘If – and it’s a big if – I do come along, and if Ben does anything remotely silly, then I’m blaming … I don’t know who I’m blaming, but I’m going to say, “I told you so.”’
‘I give you full permission to say, “I told you so.”’
‘I’ll hold you to that,’ Liv replies and I notice a small smile.
‘It won’t be that bad,’ I say, although she might be right. ‘I also worry that Ben’s going to do something stupid.’
‘Like try to get back with Aurora?’ Liv suggests.
‘Yes. Exactly that.’
‘I’ll have to cover my eyes if that happens.’
I laugh. ‘I might have to cover mine too.’
Liv laughs in return and it’s nice this, finally. Now we’ve got past the awkward stage. She’s much better as a friend than as a girlfriend.
But then I’m much better as a friend than as a boyfriend. Maybe that’s my doomed fate. ‘It would be nice to be friends, see you from time to time if you like, and—’
‘It’s really not the done thing to be friends with your ex,’ Liv cuts in as if this is a confirmed fact.
‘What? Why not?’
‘It never works out.’
‘Can’t we try?’
‘Sure.’ She sighs and there’s that smile again. ‘If you like.’