Chapter Thirty-Three
Four years ago
We haven’t been together in the same room for so long that nerves have taken hold of me now, gripping me tightly as I think about the four of us reuniting again today.
I don’t know what will happen, after all this time apart.
I don’t know how it will go, who will say what, who will keep quiet, who will forgive, who will forget.
Ben and Liv haven’t seen each other since the hospital.
And until a couple of months ago I hadn’t seen Ben, either.
Ollie and I have barely seen each other because, at the back of my mind, I’m worried about hurting Ben.
I don’t want to hurt him, send him off-course.
Ben says he’s changing, and I don’t want to lose Ollie as a friend, but getting closer to him promises such drama.
I’ve always had a soft spot for Ollie, but the idea of developing that further just isn’t a possibility.
Now that I never see him, it seems so much harder to put him to the back of my mind than when we were living together.
Between the four of us there was so much love, so much joy, and for a while we grew up together, became adults together.
We watched each other fall in love, get our hearts broken, find ourselves; celebrated each other’s successes.
It was perfect – beyond perfect – the way we’d made such an impact on each other’s lives, although we found each other by chance. Aurora and Liv, Ben and Ollie.
The four of us were family. The four of us were everything. I want us to be that again. I just don’t know if we can.
It turns out that organising a party to celebrate moving into a new pad, and to reunite the four of us, is seriously hard when you’re never at home to organise anything.
The first Saturday I had available (when I wasn’t flying to or from a job) was one that my mum didn’t have available as she’d organised a spa weekend with a friend from work.
So it was back to the drawing board. And so it’s now February and the distance between the four of us has grown even further.
‘Let’s see if Ben really has changed,’ Mum says to me as we’re positioning my newly bought industrial-sized ice-machine on the corner of the kitchen countertop.
It was a bit of an extravagance, as I’m not sure when I’ll use it again.
But then saying that, what is even more of an extravagance was hiring a caterer to provide canapés and nibbles and to keep them going all night.
‘I don’t know why you’ve done that,’ Mum said when I told her. ‘I could just have gone to M&S.’
Even M&S would have been an indulgence for her, seeing as I’ve had to prise her away from her beloved Iceland.
But we never have parties and we’re having one now.
A proper one. We’ve invited loads of people – all Mum’s work friends and her old school friends that she’s still close to.
And I’ve invited a few workmates, my agent and a couple of photographers I’ve worked with a lot, including the exceptionally good-looking one from the Scotland shoot, as we got chatting that evening before we caught the same flight back to London and we really got on.
He’s called Toby, he made me laugh and he dresses in a way that reminded me of Ben, only with slightly less chaos attached.
So far we’ve been chatting a bit and it’s nice, low-pressure – the first time I’ve really connected with another member of the opposite sex since Ben, if I’m being honest. I fancy him.
It’s the best I can probably hope for, for the moment.
Two hours later and the party is going strong.
Liv’s arrived with a man in tow and she was polite enough to ask me if it was all right to bring him.
He’s called James and, like her, he’s a solicitor.
They met at work, obviously, and he seems very nice, but a little shy.
There’s a hint of the ‘Ollies’ about him.
She likes them quiet but, in contrast to Ollie, James seems enamoured, hanging on her every word.
‘He’s very into you,’ I risk saying when I get Liv by herself. I’m always worried this sort of chat jinxes something good, but she nods along, as James has gone off to fetch them both a drink. He’s caught up mingling with some people from the other flats.
‘It’s always a risk, isn’t it?’ Liv asks. ‘Bringing potential boyfriends along to a party hosted by a supermodel.’
‘Ha,’ I laugh far too loudly and draw attention from my mum, who’s chatting to one of the very dapper-looking men from the flat above us. He’s wearing mustard-coloured trousers and I have a sudden flashback to the first time I met Ben’s dad, when I discovered that coloured trousers were a thing.
‘I’m not a supermodel,’ I protest. ‘I’m a very average jobbing model.’
‘Oh, be quiet,’ Liv says, rolling her eyes. ‘But …’ she continues, ‘James does seem really into me.’
‘Because he is.’
‘He’s the first person I’ve connected with – properly connected with – since Ollie, and it’s as if now I see that Ollie wasn’t really present.’
‘I remember you telling me years ago he wasn’t really there,’ I cut in with.
‘I can see such a difference between how it was and how it’s supposed to be. It wasn’t supposed to be like that. It wasn’t meant to be so hard. Don’t you think that when you’re in a relationship you should just get each other. There shouldn’t be so much nit-picking, so much … anxiety.’
I nod along, because Liv’s right. It’ll happen for me one day, I’m sure it will. I’m only twenty-four, so there’s plenty of time, and it’s not like I’m the world’s most accessible person right now, what with all the travelling. I’m inaccessible. No man wants that, I’m sure.
‘But with James,’ Liv continues and I take a sip of my drink to hide my smile, ‘he is so easy. Everything is easy. And it’s so early on. I do hope he’s not hiding the fact that he’s a massive control freak.’
‘No,’ I joke, ‘because we can’t have two of you being like that.’
Liv shoots me a look.
‘Do you know if Ollie’s here?’ I ask. ‘He messaged to see if he could bring his dad, as he double-booked seeing him tonight, although I haven’t seen either of them yet, so I wonder if he’s gone out with him instead.’
‘Yeah, Ollie’s here. With his dad, who’s been having a great time talking to your mum.
And I said hi to Ollie,’ Liv goes on. ‘We’ve already cleared the air between us, I think.
It’s Ben I’m worried about. We’ve exchanged glances.
I smiled. He smiled back. I haven’t done anything else, though.
And why should I? Why should I make the first move? ’
‘Because you’re a big girl and, once it’s done, it’s done. Don’t hang it out all night.’
‘Ugh, fine. Where is Ben anyway?’
I glance around. ‘He’s over there, talking to Toby. Oh, shit.’ My ex talking to a guy I like is not a scenario I’m happy with.
Liv looks over. She gets it as she comments, ‘Ooh, that could go either way, couldn’t it?’
‘What’s the best thing to do?’
A waitress with a name-badge saying Caroline offers us a selection of canapés on a tray, and I think this might be one of her first gigs as she looks a bit nervous. So I dare to ask something that is probably unprofessional. ‘Can you do me a favour?’
Her eyes lift in anticipation.
‘Can you go and offer this tray to those two guys over there, and then discreetly listen to what they’re talking about and come and report back?’
Her mouth opens and she looks at Liv, as if I’m joking. Liv gives her a discreet nod.
‘OK,’ Caroline says and works her way through the thirty-strong crowd hovering in the open-plan space and against the wide marble kitchen counters.
‘What if they’re talking about you?’ Liv asks. ‘What will you do?’
‘Expect Toby never to call me again, obviously.’
‘Do you think Ben would say nasty things? I don’t see it, personally.’
‘I don’t know,’ I reply honestly. ‘He’s so …’ What is he?
Caroline works her way back through the crowd to us. Unpredictable. That’s what Ben is. She doesn’t wait to be asked, but simply says the word ‘Travel’.
‘Oh. OK. Thanks.’
‘No problem.’ Caroline wanders off to keep serving.
‘Oh well, that’s boring, isn’t it?’ Liv asks, her eyes leaving mine as she scouts around for James.
‘Yes. Boring is good. Boring is safe,’ I utter.
‘You say that,’ Liv’s attention lands back on me, ‘but Ollie was boring and safe, and look where that got me.’
I open my mouth to protest, but Liv gives my arm a little squeeze and tells me she’s off to go and talk to Ben. She promises there won’t be raised voices, but there are so many things she needs to get off her chest, now that so long has passed.
‘Do you want me to come too?’ I ask, dreading her reply.
‘No, I don’t think you should hear some of the things.’
My eyes widen. ‘Really?’
She nods. ‘Enjoy the party. If you see Ben and me slip out for a moment, don’t be concerned. I don’t think I want an audience.’
‘All right,’ I reply, somewhat surprised. When Liv gets the bit between her teeth she really bites down. ‘Good luck,’ I say to her retreating figure.
And then, for a few blissful moments, I’m on my own, listening to the hustle and bustle of a well-executed party (even if I do say so myself), but also dreading what might be happening between Ben and Liv as I watch him watching her walk towards him.
Mum has a little crowd of people more her age around her, including Ollie’s dad, and she’s serving drinks liberally as they chat together.
Then I see him – Ollie. He smiles as he walks towards me, holding two glasses of fizz, and I smile in return because talking to him is exactly what I need right now.
‘There you are,’ I say warmly. ‘One of those for me?’ I gesture to the glasses.
‘No. Both for me. Sorry,’ he jokes and then hands me one. ‘Good party.’
‘Thanks. Are you having fun?’
‘“Fun” is a subjective word.’
‘No, it’s not,’ I tell him. ‘Fun is fun. You’re either having it or you’re not.’
‘Bit like sex?’
My mouth drops open. ‘Ollie! You can’t say that.’