Chapter Thirty-Nine
Aurora
I’m having dinner with Ben. It feels safe to do this now – be alone with him.
It’s been so, so long since we were together that now it feels like reminiscing, rather than inviting romance into the ring.
Our urgent promise to keep meeting up regularly went by the wayside, as usual.
Why is life so busy? I’m not sure I like being an adult any more.
‘She’s called Romy, and they’ve been together a couple of months.’ Ben wows me with news of Ollie’s love life.
‘What?’ I ask in total confusion. ‘He never said anything.’ Ollie hasn’t spoken to me in for ever. I don’t like to admit this, though. It hurts. More than it should, I’m sure.
‘Well, the two of us live together, so it’s kind of hard to get that sort of thing past a flatmate, but it took a while before Romy stayed over, so he almost got it past me,’ Ben says, taking a drink of tonic water. He makes a face.
‘How is it?’ I ask, knowing the answer.
‘I can almost pretend it’s a G&T minus the G. Almost.’
‘I’m very proud of you,’ I say honestly.
‘Meh,’ Ben replies dismissively.
‘How did they meet?’ I turn the subject back.
‘At work.’
‘On his course?’ I query.
‘No, Ollie’s been doing a placement at a GP’s surgery somewhere. Romy’s a doctor’s receptionist. Although I think she described herself as a care navigator the first time I met her, and I tried so hard not to laugh out loud. I thought she was joking. You’d have been proud of me for that too.’
I laugh, because Ben is just Ben and there were so many things about him that I loved before we broke up. Sometimes he reminds me of better times.
‘A care navigator?’
‘I know, I know,’ he replies. ‘Really thought Romy was messing with me. Although she’s not up herself at all. She’s nice – you know, inoffensive.’
‘“Inoffensive”, what a weird way to describe someone,’ I say as the waiter arrives with our menus. We’re in a cool new Asian restaurant on the South Bank near where I live, and although I volunteered to meet Ben halfway between us, he loves coming over to this side of town.
‘She’s sort of – you know … there. Ollie likes her. And I don’t fancy her, which makes Ollie happy.’
‘What? Why?’
‘Why what?’
‘Why does that make Ollie happy? Surely he’d want you to fancy his woman, reinforce the fact he’s chosen well? Is she unattractive then?’ Is it wrong that I want Romy to be unattractive? It’s wrong, isn’t it? Really wrong.
Ben stares at me. ‘She’s attractive, but I don’t fancy her. You have no idea how men work, do you?’
‘Probably not, no,’ I sigh. It’s true. I have no idea what goes through Ollie’s mind. He’s a total mystery, made even more so by the fact that he won’t reply to my messages. ‘He’s ghosting me,’ I blurt out. ‘I didn’t know about his new girlfriend. I didn’t know he’d gone off to do a placement.’
‘I’m sure he’s not ghosting you. He’s always doing a placement somewhere, though. I can’t keep up. Maybe he’s busy?’ Ben tries to lessen the wound.
‘Hmm,’ I say doubtfully. ‘He hasn’t spoken to me for months.’
‘Months?’ Ben asks. ‘That’s not like him.’
‘The last time I saw him was at my house-warming party months ago.’
‘That’s the last time I saw you too,’ Ben says loyally.
‘But we’re meeting right now. And you reply to my texts,’ I counter.
‘Sometimes I even text you without it being a reply. Sometimes I even initiate a conversation,’ Ben confesses, like it’s a big deal. It probably is a big deal to him.
‘You’re right. I have no idea how men work. But I’m annoyed about Ollie. Why is he ghosting me? Oh, I have an idea,’ I say and pull my phone out.
Ben makes a face. ‘Are you going to call him to see if he picks up? Right now?’
‘No, I was going to text Liv, make her message Ollie and see if he replies to her. Then I’ll know if he’s ghosting me. But your idea is better.’
‘He’s not ghosting Liv. He saw her last week,’ Ben says thoughtlessly as he glances over the menu.
‘What!’ I exclaim.
Ben jumps at my outburst.
‘Sorry,’ I say, slinking into my chair. I look at the menu, but I can’t even read the words. All I see is white rage.
‘Do you want to hear something that might cheer you up?’ Ben tries.
‘Sure,’ I say listlessly.
‘I’ve not had a drink in eight weeks.’
My mouth falls open and is soon replaced with a wide smile. I lean forward, take his hands in mine. ‘Ben,’ I reply. I’m unable to keep the emotion from my voice. ‘Ben, that’s wonderful. How? How have you done it?’
‘Just did. Small steps. I asked myself: could I do Monday without a drink? And I did it. Same for Tuesday. And I did the week until Friday, then I told myself I could drink at the weekend. Then the next week I did it for the week until Saturday, and I only had one. And it went on like that for a while. Until I sort of stopped. At the weekend I pretend to drink – on nights out like this. A G&T minus the G. In a nice glass. With ice. That helps, oddly. I’ve sort of stopped hanging out with people who drink a lot.
I don’t think I’d do too well around open bottles, but it’s kind of working. You know?’
‘Oh, Ben, that’s incredible.’
‘I’ve had to quit my job. I can’t work in nightclubs and be near huge amounts of alcohol – doesn’t work at all.
Although I can’t drink on the job, it’s the fact that it’s there in quantity.
So I’m not being too hard on myself. I’m not saying that I can’t drink ever again, but I’m seeing how it goes like this, and if I have a celebratory glass of something for a special occasion, I’m hoping I’ll be able to be moderate and not have the thirst for more of it.
To be decided,’ he finishes. ‘I’m a work-in-progress. ’
‘Aren’t we all?’ I say. ‘But you’re doing better than most. I’m so fiercely proud of you.’
‘Thanks,’ Ben replies, looking bashful.
‘So what’s next, career-wise?’ I ask.
‘No idea,’ he says. ‘Not got that bit sorted yet.’ He picks up his menu. ‘Shall we order?’
I can see the words on the menu again now. I’m no longer full of anger for Ollie ghosting me, but instead I am full of love for Ben for having gone some way towards defeating his demons.
I only hope it lasts.