Chapter Forty-Two
Ollie
Ben told me ages ago that Aury thinks I’m ghosting her and I still am, to a certain extent.
I feel like a piece of shit, though. I don’t want to ghost her, but I can’t work out what to say and it feels wrong to say the total truth, so I’m going in with a half-truth instead.
Because the real truth – how much I like her, more than like her, and that I always have – would send the wheels spinning off our friendship and I’m not ready for that.
I’m sorry you think I’m ghosting you, I start and then backspace the lot. I’ve made that sound like Aury’s imagining it. Which she’s not. Ghosting and gaslighting someone is quite the charge sheet.
I’m sorry I’ve been ghosting you. There. That’s better. Although it’s not. I hate that word ‘ghosting’. Backspace again.
I’m sorry I’ve not been around for you. I’ve been a bit …
I can’t think of a word. I’ve been rather focused on trying to forget you exist might be a little extreme.
Ben reiterated that I couldn’t ever be with you and I never in my wildest dreams thought we’d end up together, but the moment he said it, I wanted to smack him around his entitled face and I’ve never had violent thoughts before.
But right then I did and there must be a reason for that, and I think the reason is you. And now I’m pretending you don’t exist.
I stare at the cursor blinking away, waiting for me to write something.
I’m sorry I’ve been ghosting you, I type. I’ve had my reasons. Please forgive me. It’s pathetic, but it’ll have to do.