Chapter Fifty-One
The white tablecloth is spattered with spilled wine and Liv’s giant white birthday cake has been sliced into pieces, crumbs dotted across the space in front of me where I’ve moved, so I can chat with Liv.
I can’t help myself and I reach over and claw some broken icing that’s fallen from the cake and put it into my mouth.
I try so hard to avoid cake, especially as my mum’s addiction to cooking us oven-chips looks like it’s not ending any time soon and I need to counteract that if I want to stay in the modelling industry.
The night is drawing to a close and a few people have left. Someone said they had to get back for their babysitter and it made me realise the years really are passing at speed. How do people our age have babies?
‘Where’s James tonight?’ I ask Liv. This is the first chance I’ve had to get her to myself. She mainlined Sam and stuck to him like glue.
‘We broke up,’ she replies.
‘What? When?’
‘I broke up with him …’ she looks at her watch, ‘twenty-four hours ago.’
‘What?’ I splutter. ‘How? Why? I thought you two were the real deal. I thought he was the one.’
‘Did you? I wasn’t sure he was the one,’ she says, sounding so matter-of-fact that I’m not sure how to react.
I’m frowning in consternation, but Liv looks lighter, airier, for not being with James. Or maybe it’s all the champagne she’s been drinking.
‘He just wasn’t for me.’
‘Oh,’ I reply, still not quite sure if she’s putting on a brave face or not. ‘Is there … any more to this?’
‘Not really,’ she says. ‘I knew it wasn’t right and I learned a long time ago not to hang on to something that wasn’t going anywhere. I can see the warning signs a mile off now.’
‘Oh,’ I repeat, rather pathetically. I want to be Liv – I’ve decided that. She’s so cool. Too cool for me. ‘Then … congratulations?’ I question. ‘If you’re not sad?’
‘I’m not too sad. I do want to be in a relationship with someone who gets me.
And who I get, in return. James didn’t get me and I think I was guilty of not understanding him too much, either.
The carousel of dates, sex, holidays was hiding the fact it wasn’t going too much deeper than that.
We didn’t really know each other, and James was emotionally challenged. ’
‘Emotionally challenged?’ I repeat, my gaze flicking inadvertently towards Sam, who is looking at something on Ben’s phone, the two of them sniggering together like schoolboys.
Ben makes new friends very easily, I notice.
On his other side is Ollie’s girlfriend, Romy, who is not how I imagined her at all.
I only got a look side-on at dinner when Ollie finally moved back to introduce us.
‘It was superficial,’ Liv goes on. ‘We never got to anything meaty.’
‘Meaty?’ I ask, distracted by Sam, who looks as if he’s swapping numbers with Ben. Oh no, why are they doing that? I try to tune back into Liv.
‘I didn’t know what made him scared,’ Liv lists James’s downsides.
‘What made him happy, other than money, sex and holidays. Whether he saw us heading towards marriage, children … He just didn’t know.
He didn’t know. It was the kind of thing that should have come up in conversation and – when it didn’t and when I instigated it – James was blank about it all.
And at our age, I’d have thought he’d have some kind of idea.
He was happy bubbling along and he’d have been like that for ever.
I wasn’t. Maybe it’s me. Maybe men are only like this with me.
Ollie was the same. I want more. I deserve more.
And if I’m not getting it, I dump them. Liv’s rules. ’
‘Did I hear my name?’ Ollie says, crouching down beside our two chairs.
‘You did, yes,’ Liv says. ‘We’re talking about why things didn’t work out between us.’
‘Because we were so young?’ Ollie volunteers.
‘No,’ Liv replies wearily. ‘Although that’s very idealistic of you. Do you think we’d work out if we tried again now?’ she dares, with an expression that says she knows otherwise.
‘Um …’ Ollie panics.
‘You walked right into that one,’ I point out.
He looks at me and smiles and my insides swoop. I watch Liv’s eyes slide between me and Ollie, and then we’re all distracted by Sam’s uproarious laugh. He has a lovely laugh. Infectious.
‘He’s nice,’ Liv says.
‘Yeah,’ I agree. ‘He is.’ I feel strange saying anything about Sam while Ollie’s crouching there. But I’m not sure why, because I’m with Sam, and Ollie’s got a girlfriend.
‘How’s it going with Romy?’ I ask.
‘Fine,’ he replies.
‘That’s a juicy story,’ Liv deadpans. ‘Be careful not to divulge too much to us, won’t you?’
Ollie laughs. ‘What do you want to know?’
‘Do you behave better with her than you did with me?’
‘Ouch!’ I say.
‘Ouch indeed,’ Ollie replies. ‘I need to stand up – my legs are killing me like this.’
‘Not so fast, old man,’ Liv says, and Ollie stands up, stretches out and then crouches back down to us again.
‘I don’t know is the honest answer,’ Ollie continues. ‘I like Romy. We get on.’
‘You like me. We get on,’ Liv says. ‘You like Aurora too.’
I narrow my eyes at Liv. I think she’s had too much to drink.
‘OK,’ Ollie replies. ‘I get the point. What makes Romy different then?’ he asks himself. ‘She’s fun.’
‘So are we,’ Liv says immediately.
‘Fuck’s sake,’ I cut in. ‘Give the man a chance.’ I really want to hear this.
Ollie pauses, thinking. ‘We just fit,’ he says, and I hope I’m the only one who heard my sharp intake of breath. They just fit. I’m not sure what I wanted to hear, but I don’t think it was that.
‘That’s nice,’ I comment insipidly. I have absolutely no right to be annoyed about this. I know that. But it doesn’t stop me being a bit pissy.
‘Yeah, that’s nice,’ Liv says. She probably wasn’t even listening to Ollie’s reply as her gaze is diverted towards the trio of Romy, Ben and Sam.
‘I should be going,’ Ollie says and I feel his hand touch the bare skin of my arm as he stands.
Another sharp intake of breath from me.
‘Sorry, cold hands,’ he says, misunderstanding.
‘A doctor thing?’ Liv says.
‘Possibly. Happy birthday, Liv. I’ve left our money by the bill. Thanks for a fantastic evening.’ She stands and he pulls her in for a hug.
‘Thanks for coming,’ she replies.
‘Sam and I should probably go too,’ I say, rifling in my purse for our share of the bill. ‘The waiters look as if they want to bed down for the night. If I remove Sam, I reckon everyone else will go too.’
‘He’s the star attraction,’ Liv agrees. ‘Thanks for bringing him.’
I see Ollie roll his eyes as he pulls me in for a goodbye hug too. ‘Yeah,’ Ollie says in a flat voice. ‘Thanks for bringing him.’
I’m not sure what to make of that, so I don’t reply, but instead I watch as Romy gives Sam and Ben a huge hug in turn as she says goodbye.
I notice that she spends a little longer hugging Sam than she does Ben.
Ollie shakes hands with the men, then he and Romy hold each other’s hands and edge out of the door. Then Ollie is gone. Again.