Chapter Fifty-Three
Aurora
After the premiere Sam and I return to my flat.
Liv’s rules. I’ve been thinking about this over and over again while Sam’s been with me this past week.
I haven’t had any modelling jobs on this week, so I’ve had a lot of time to compute Liv’s rules.
What they mean for her, what they might mean for me if I was to apply them to my life.
She wants more, deserves more. She doesn’t want to ‘bubble along’: is that what she said?
And I’m not sure I want to, either. I haven’t dated someone seriously since Ben.
Ben was difficult, so difficult. Sam is easy, too easy.
And that’s what makes it easy to stay together.
But we’re not together, are we? Not really.
We’re bubbling along. But isn’t that because he lives in LA and I live in London?
And isn’t it because we’re forced to go slow, forced to date, rather than be in a real relationship?
I’ve talked myself in and out of this decision this past week, flip-flopping between choices.
I watch Sam as he packs his belongings again, ready to return to the other side of the world.
I smile when he looks up at me, but I realise it’s not a genuine response; it’s a panicky sort of smile because I’ve been caught watching him, analysing him.
Analysing us. Oh, shit! I think I’m about to do something that a lot of single women would think is crazy.
Beyond crazy. If I leave it any later, he’ll be gone and then I’d be a coward for not doing this face-to-face, because I’ll have to do it over the phone.
What if this is the wrong decision? I won’t know until I do it.
‘Sam,’ I say and he gives me the same sort of panicked smile I just gave him, his smile not reaching his eyes. ‘I’m so sorry to do this. But we need to talk.’