Chapter Fifty-Nine #2
‘I don’t mind at all,’ Ollie says as he steps forward to hug Mum hello. He does the same to me, only mine is much briefer than Mum’s hug.
He moves to the empty chair next to his dad, dumps his work backpack down, and then Ollie and his father give each other a manly hug that involves tapping each other on the back once, before breaking away.
‘Hi,’ Ollie says to me again as he sits, his smile brighter this time. ‘How are you?’
‘Great,’ I reply. ‘What about you?’
‘OK, yeah. Long day at work. They’re always long days at work, but somehow every new day feels longer than the one before it.’
I give him a sympathetic smile and resist the urge to reach across the table, touch his hand, lace my fingers through his, the way we did before.
Instead I hold my menu and pretend to read it.
I don’t know what I was thinking, coming here on a spur-of-the-moment invitation.
The next couple of hours are going to feel very long.
And I can’t even talk to Ollie properly like this.
But what would we say, even if we could?
We specialise in inane chatter. It’s our go-to.
I’m not sure how we’ll cope if we have a proper conversation. But I want one. I want one so much.
We talk about the weather and about our jobs until we’ve placed our food orders, and then Daniel tells Ollie, ‘There’s something Sasha and I want to talk to you about.’
I wish I still had my menu to hide behind.
Ollie’s face shows pure surprise. ‘Sasha and you …? You both want to talk to me?’
Daniel smiles knowingly. And then Ollie smiles knowingly in return. And just like that, the message is conveyed.
Ollie looks at Sasha with the same smile, a little uncertainty behind it. ‘Are you two …?’
Sasha smiles. ‘Yes, for a while. Quite a while, actually.’
‘Wow!’ Ollie says, his surprise turning to joy. ‘That’s so cool.’
‘I think it is, yes,’ Daniel replies, looking pleased this has gone so well. ‘We just wanted to let you know, now things are getting …’ he looks to Mum for confirmation, ‘serious,’ he finishes, after my mum gives him a little nod of encouragement.
‘That’s great,’ Ollie confirms. ‘I’m really pleased for you.’
‘Thank you, son,’ Daniel says. ‘It means a lot to me.’
A waiter arrives to top up our wine and the conversation moves on. I’m desperate to get Ollie alone now, for so many reasons, but mainly so that we can gossip about his dad and my mum.
‘Sasha, tell me why you chose “Aurora” for a name? It’s lovely, so unusual,’ Daniel asks, after we’ve polished off two bottles of red wine between us, although Ollie’s been nursing his second glass, given that he’s back at work again tomorrow afternoon – and saving lives while hungover is a ‘no’.
The mood is light, the evening has been surprisingly easy, full of jokes and good chat.
I realise I needed this. I needed this conviviality with people I genuinely adore.
‘Don’t,’ I tell Mum. ‘Don’t say it.’
‘It’s the Northern Lights, no?’ Ollie says as if it’s a given. He folds his napkin up and places it on the table, then glances at my slightly embarrassed look. ‘Isn’t it a reference to the Northern Lights then?’ Ollie asks.
‘It’s because I really like—’ Mum starts.
‘No,’ I say. ‘No, no.’
‘You might be embarrassed by it, but I’m not. I named her after Princess Aurora,’ Mum confesses.
The men look at her as if they have no clue what she’s on about.
‘The Disney movie,’ Mum says, totally unabashed.
‘Which one?’ Daniel asks.
‘Sleeping Beauty. I was obsessed by it when I was a child, and I still am. I love Disney. And that one’s my comfort movie. It’s why I call her “Princess” every now and again. I should have just called her “Princess”.’
‘Thank God you didn’t,’ I say under my breath.
Ollie’s face morphs into a huge wide smile.
‘Don’t start,’ I tell him.
‘How, after all these years, did I not know that about you?’ Ollie asks.
‘Because everyone always thinks I’m named after the Northern Lights and that Mum must have been a New Age hippy in order to call me something so cool and different. But no. She’s just a girl from South London who loves Disney.’
‘One Disney film in particular,’ Mum says. ‘And you’d better not be laughing over there, Ollie.’
Ollie clamps his mouth shut and tries not to laugh. ‘Sorry, Sasha. It’s caught me by surprise. Aury, I’ve known you almost ten years and I never knew this.’
‘Well, still plenty to learn about each other then, isn’t there?’ I reply flippantly, but I realise it’s true. There probably is. There is so much to learn. And it’ll probably never happen. Doomed to be friends for ever. I suppose I’d rather have that than nothing.
We ask for the bill and Daniel says he’s going to walk Mum home and leave Ollie and me to catch up.
I suspect it’s because they’d like to have some privacy, so they can digest Ollie’s reactions, and mine, to their news.
We all say goodbye and then, when they’ve gone, Ollie and I stare at each other in humorous shock in the restaurant.
‘What just happened?’ Ollie asks, trying not to laugh.
‘Our parents are dating. How do you feel about that?’ I enquire, as if I’m a psychologist.
‘I think I need another drink,’ Ollie says, chuckling and glancing around for the waiter.
I laugh. ‘God, I don’t. I’ve had loads.’ But when Ollie orders a small glass of wine, I order one too. ‘I never thought,’ I take up the subject again, ‘when I met you all those years ago, that one day our parents would fancy each other and then get together.’
Ollie blows air out of his cheeks. ‘Me neither. Kinda weird.’
‘Very weird.’ We’re silent for a moment and his gaze is soft when he holds eye contact with me. Then I dare a question. ‘Have you been dating anyone after Romy?’ I enquire. ‘I haven’t seen anything on your socials and Ben’s been surprisingly quiet lately, especially when it comes to gossip.’
‘Gossip?’ Ollie asks. ‘Is that what you’re after – gossip as to whether I’m hooking up with anyone?’
‘I mean, no … but … maybe also yes,’ I confess, making Ollie laugh.
‘Nooo,’ he drawls out. ‘I’m not with anyone.’
My heart jumps with joy.
The waiter delivers our wine and Ollie reaches for the stem of his glass, but doesn’t lift it. He just holds the glass, looking at it.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ I ask. ‘That you’d broken up. Ben told me.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me when you and Sam broke up?’ he counters.
‘I guess … it’s not the kind of thing I want to talk to you about – me being in a relationship or not, as the case may be.’
‘Why not?’ Ollie asks, and now he looks at me as if he’s a psychologist.
‘Because there are things you and I speak about that are only for us. And I think Sam and Romy were probably not on that list.’
‘Yes, but why not?’ he pushes.
‘I don’t know the answer,’ I reply. ‘But I’m guessing you do, so just say it.’
‘We used to talk about Ben a lot,’ Ollie points out.
‘That was different,’ I say. ‘We were all living together. It would have been hard to ignore the faults in my relationship with Ben. You were there, easy to talk to – you always have been. You’re one of my best friends. You still are.’
‘But we don’t talk about the people we’re dating, even though neither of us knows the other person.’
I don’t know what he’s driving at. Or, rather, I don’t want to believe he’s trying to make me say something that we’ll both regret. And what’s the good of saying anything anyway?
Ollie looks at me with a fixed expression.
I continue regardless. I remember our hands touching at Liv’s birthday, how he held me at the premiere, how I felt when he did so.
Calm. Reassured, when I couldn’t have been more nervous.
I felt I didn’t belong. Ollie’s always made me feel as if I did belong.
I remember that chat so long ago on my balcony when we were trying not to wake Ben – how it felt as if we might be entering dangerous territory that would change our friendship. How we knew we weren’t allowed to.
‘We’ve been friends for so long,’ I say. ‘I never want to lose you.’
‘You won’t,’ Ollie confirms. He reaches out and takes my hand. ‘You’ll never lose me.’
He strokes my hand, his gaze falling to it, and mine does the same. I watch his actions, entranced.
‘I can’t believe I’ve known you ten years,’ I say, watching him touch my hand. I never want him to stop.
‘It’s so mad,’ he says.
‘I thought you didn’t like to use words like “mad”.’
‘I say the wrong thing around you, get tongue-tied around you.’ Ollie’s gaze lifts to meet mine, but his hand remains in the same position, stroking the back of my hand gently. I watch him, waiting for him to continue, but he doesn’t.
‘You get tongue-tied around me?’ My heart is racing.
He nods. ‘I always have done. That’s never changed.’
‘What are you talking about? Why?’
He sighs and says slowly, ‘Aury, you must know why. How can you not know?’
I draw in a short, sharp breath. ‘Ollie,’ I reply and it must sound like a warning, even though I don’t mean it to, because he pulls his hand away and says he’s sorry. ‘You don’t have to be sorry,’ I continue, immediately mourning the loss of his touch. ‘You don’t have to be sorry at all.’
He nods. ‘I shouldn’t have done that. But I couldn’t help myself.’
‘Why not? Why is it so wrong?’ I ask.
He frowns in confusion. But he won’t answer. We could go round and round doing this all day and I don’t have the energy left to fight this any more. I simply don’t have the energy left to keep it in. We can’t go on like this for another decade – we just can’t.
‘Ollie …’ I start and then I pause.
I need to think how to do this. So much hasn’t been said that to do this now feels strange. And wrong.
‘I know we’ll destroy Ben if we do this.
So we can’t. We can’t do this. But I want you to know how I feel anyway.
I want you to hold my hand. Always. I want you to be near me.
Always. I miss you when I’m not near you, Ollie.
It’s been like that since for ever. When I was with Ben, I wanted to be near you because I loved you like a friend.
And then part of me was so reluctant to go through with breaking up with Ben, because I’d be leaving you and Liv.
I have no idea how it happened or when it happened, but I started to see you in a different way and it hasn’t gone away – that feeling.
That feeling of slowly falling in love with you wouldn’t go away,’ I say desperately.
‘I went around the world and you wouldn’t leave my head.
I got on with you better than I got on with Ben, and that must mean something.
Only Ben and I got together so quickly, and so did you and Liv, and being friends meant … ’
I stop, draw breath.
Ollie’s frown has deepened, but his eyes stay on mine. ‘You’re in love with me?’
‘Yes,’ I reply. ‘Being friends meant it was too complicated to do anything about it. At any time. We were all single, and I couldn’t just go from Ben to you. It would have been wrong, on so many levels. Liv would have hated me. Ben would have been destroyed. He still will be.’
‘I know. I know we can’t do anything about this. I don’t want to hurt Ben, but it doesn’t stop me …’
‘Stop you what?’ I ask, breathless now.
‘It doesn’t stop me loving you too,’ he says.
I put my hand over my mouth in surprise.
‘You must know that. I love you. You have to know that,’ he goes on, looking agonised.
I shake my head. ‘I hoped. But you’ve never let on.’
‘I really thought I was doing a terrible job of hiding it,’ he says.
‘I didn’t know.’
‘I’ve loved you for ever,’ he continues mournfully. ‘Since that moment on the stairs when I nearly sent you flying.’
‘You did send me flying.’
He smiles. ‘Since then, I think. It was immediate. And then, as the days and weeks went by, everything went so wrong. You were out of my league. And Liv was so into me. And Ben was so into you. And we all just coupled up and …’
‘The rest is history?’ I suggest.
He laughs sadly. ‘The rest is history. But, Aury, the future doesn’t hold anything for us.’
I know. Of course I know. ‘Ben,’ I say simply.
‘Ben,’ Ollie agrees. ‘This will devastate him. He’s so fragile and he’s my best friend. Somewhere in the back of his mind he still holds a flicker of a flame for you. If you asked him to get back with you, he’d say yes.’
‘Oh no,’ I cry. ‘That can’t be true.’
‘I think it is,’ Ollie says. ‘Ben’s been so distant from me lately. And this makes me worry he’s spiralling again.’
‘Is he drinking?’
‘Not at home he’s not. But he’s out so much and—’
‘He doesn’t roll in drunk in the early hours of the morning?’
‘No, he doesn’t. I do think he’s sober. But I don’t know what he gets up to, and Ben doesn’t tell me and—’
‘It’s OK,’ I cut in. ‘I get it. I understand. You’ve been such a good friend to him since I left, since Liv left. You’ve stuck by him.’
‘I can’t let him down now,’ Ollie tells me. ‘Even if it means I can’t have my own happiness.’
‘And I can’t have mine,’ I say quietly.
‘I’m sorry,’ Ollie replies. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘You don’t have to apologise.’
I know he’s right. This isn’t even something we could discuss with Ben. I worry so much about him. But I’ve been let off the hook from worrying too deeply because Ollie has always been there to pick up the pieces of Ben’s broken life.
‘I want to kiss you,’ I tell Ollie honestly. I feel tears in my eyes. Damn this wine. I’ve drunk too much.
‘I want to kiss you too,’ he says. ‘Since that first day. And it’s less likely to happen now than it was back then.’
‘Don’t say that. You’re saying never. You can’t say never. You can’t.’
‘I just don’t see how it can happen,’ Ollie replies. He takes my hand in his and holds it, and I feel this is for the very last time. ‘I’m going to get up now,’ he tells me. ‘And I’m going to go. Because anything else is unfair on both of us.’
I want to cry at him not to go, not to leave me like this, but I know he’s right.
I nod slowly, close my eyes for a moment and inhale. His hand leaves mine and my leg jitters nervously, the way Ollie’s did at the table at Liv’s birthday party. But he doesn’t put his hand on mine to still it as he rises. Instead he picks up his bag.
‘I love you,’ I tell him desperately, as if it might be the thing he needs to hear again to stop him.
But he doesn’t stop. ‘I love you too,’ he says to me. ‘And I really am sorry.’
And as Ollie leaves, I feel as if I’ve been broken up with, even though we never even got together.