Chapter 6
Chapter six
HEADSTONE
“Listen to me,” Scott continues, somehow still not done yet.
“We flew out here, just fine. Nothing happened to us. Nothing bad is going to happen to any of us because of you. And you going on this trip? Nothing bad is going to happen there either. Except maybe that you can start to feel better so that you can be a real part of our lives again, not just missed calls and only seeing you when we force ourselves on you.”
The room and this relationship have become claustrophobic. I stand up from the chair and throw my napkin down on the table. “Maybe I don’t want to be part of your lives again.”
Scott shakes his head, defiantly. “You don’t mean that.”
I walk towards the door.
“Drew, stop,” Scott calls out.
But I can’t stop; not now that it’s clear nothing is going to change between us, and that I have officially lost Monika and Gabe to this argument too.
I push harder than necessary against the door of the Book Cellar, but the cool breeze outside momentarily clears my head enough for me to call back over my shoulder, “Monika, give me your keys so I can get into the bookstore.”
“No,” Scott warns, holding out a hand in her direction. “Stay there, Monika. No one leaves until we figure this out.”
I’ve heard more than enough, so I counter his instruction with my own. “Monika, you can either let me into the bookstore right now, or I swear that I will find a way to get in there myself.”
Scott calls my bluff, not believing that I would actually do something reckless to get myself into the bookstore, and Monika stays still as a stone, watching our war of wills.
I give them both a curt nod and then let the door close in Scott’s face to continue down the short pathway between the storefronts.
“Drew, wait,” he says, as he bursts through the door behind me to catch up. “Will you at least let me tell you our news before you leave?”
“No, because I don’t care,” I lie.
“We finally matched,” Scott says anyway. “The baby is due any day.”
The fact that they matched is not a shock to me.
I figured as much when he chased me outside to tell me the news.
I did not expect the due date to be so soon, though, and that detail lands like a punch to the gut.
If I had just picked up the phone or listened to any of his voicemails this past year, I probably could have been in on that information from the beginning.
“Congratulations,” I say over my shoulder as I reach the Book & Barrel and tug hard on the door. It’s locked, like I figured it would be, but I want to be sure before I move on to the next step.
“So, that’s it?” he asks, incredulously. “We come all this way to tell you that you are about to be an aunt, and your response is congratulations?”
I ignore him and continue towards the nearest planter. He follows and stops an inch behind me to hover.
“What will it take for you to be in our lives again? For you to believe us when we say that we aren’t afraid of your so-called curse? We came here today specifically to try and prove it to you.”
I pick up a few smaller rocks to weigh in my hands but drop them when I spot a bigger one with sharp edges tucked into the bushes.
“And look!” he continues behind me. “Nothing bad has happened to us, except for this argument. Gabe and I are completely safe, and so is Monika, other than being a little shell-shocked right now, because the truth is that being near you does not cause bad things to happen.”
I cringe at his recklessness as I stand up with the perfect rock. “You are tempting fate by making such bold statements when the night is still young.”
He lets out an exasperated sigh. “God, Sis. You are so—Wait. What are you doing?”
“Getting into the building,” I say, and march past him, even as my resolve starts to crumble when I think about the cost of replacing the glass door after I shatter it. I would have to pay for the damage out of my paycheck, which would be a major setback.
Knowing Scott, he would insist on paying for it out of sympathy. The thought makes me even angrier, but I pause just long enough to consider ditching the rock to try and scream Monika’s name at the top of my lungs instead, until she agrees to open the door for me.
In that brief second of contemplation, a car with loud music playing drives by, and I think maybe I’d just be better off running over to it to beg for a ride home.
I’d need to leave the rock here before asking for a ride, though.
Otherwise, I might be taken away from here in a completely different type of car, one topped with lights and sirens.
Scott misreads my hesitation as an opening and continues with his plea. “We love you, Drew. We want you in our lives, bad luck or not.” He reaches out to grab me to prove his point.
It’s interesting to hear him pivot from insisting that I am not bad luck to saying that he wants me in his life regardless. It clues me in to just how desperate he is in this moment. He manages to get a hold of my wrist, and I try to wrench my arm free, but he just tightens his grip.
“Let go of me.”
“Not until you hear what I have to say.”
I scoff. “I’ve heard everything you have to say, multiple times. It’s you who needs to listen for once.”
“Then I’m all ears. I’ll do whatever you say if you’ll just promise to be part of our lives again. Especially now, when we need you the most.”
“Let go of my wrist,” I say through gritted teeth, and am shocked when he drops it immediately.
“Seriously, Drew. Tell me,” he pleads, and brings his hand up to his hair to run his fingers through, only for his frown to deepen at how short it is now. “Tell me what to do. I’ll do anything.”
His eyes turn glassy as he waits for my answer, and I am furious at myself for not having the guts to break the glass or beg that random car for a ride moments ago. Now that I’m stuck here, the only way out is to finish this once and for all.
“Scott,” I start, exasperated. “You and Gabe will be the best dads ever, and you can call me anytime, but I don’t know anything about babies. I doubt I’d even be the least bit helpful. I’m sure you have plenty of friends in the city who can—”
“That’s not the point, Drew, and you know it,” he says, with a shake of his head.
I try again. “You guys will be fine, seriously. I have complete faith in you. I know I have been distant this year, but I will start answering the phone more, and we can FaceTime so that we can all see each other too. That way I will be a safe distance—”
“That, right there,” Scott says, interrupting with a sharp point of his finger. “That is what this is all about, right? Why you’ve been avoiding us like the plague this past year?”
I shift uncomfortably on my feet as another car creeps by and slows down to look our direction, likely making sure that we aren’t in some sort of domestic dispute.
“It took me a while to figure it out,” he says, his voice softening a fraction. “But when I did, it made so much sense. You’re cutting us off because you think your bad luck is going to somehow hurt our baby, right?”
The car passes and pulls out of the parking lot, and I kick myself again for not chasing after them to help get me out of here.
“Look at me,” my brother pleads, and steps forward to try and force my attention, but I take an immediate step back.
He visibly deflates. “I need you, Drew. You are the only family that I have left. I can’t do this without you.
” The sob that lodges in his throat on that last statement pulls my eyes back up to his.
He takes his chance and makes the final plea.
“The only tragedy would be for our baby not to have you in his life. To only talk to you over the phone or see you in pictures. I need you. Gabe needs you. And he’s going to need you too. ”
The word he squeezes all the air out of my chest.
He.
Before, this was all theoretical.
They wanted to adopt a child. It was going to take a long time. The mother could always change her mind at the last minute.
It was easier to keep the idea of a future addition to our family at arm’s length when they were in the planning phase. But the baby, my nephew, is due any day.
Visions of holding their little baby boy in my arms push themselves, uninvited, into my mind, accompanied by a feeling of pure, unfettered joy.
Within seconds, the visions meet the nightmares that have plagued me for the past year about being responsible for adding another headstone to our family plot, and the joy is replaced by soul-crushing grief.
How can he truly be willing to risk having me around after everything that I’ve done?
I admit that Scott has always seemed to be impervious to my bad luck, other than the fact that I killed both of our parents.
He’s seen and heard firsthand the terrible things that seem to be around every corner where I’m involved, so how could he even consider risking the safety of his innocent child?
They say that becoming a parent makes you soft, but if he isn’t willing to be the strong one, and Gabe isn’t either . . . I swipe away a few freshly fallen tears, squaring my shoulders back up, and remain committed to doing the right thing even though it’s unbearably hard.
Scott’s face crumples, as if he knows the words I am about to say before they leave my mouth, but I say them anyway.
“I am so happy for you and Gabe, and for your baby b—” I start but stop myself before finishing.
I don’t trust myself to add boy at the end without having it get caught in the huge lump that has formed in my throat.
“I meant what I said. I love you guys, and I’d like to be involved, but I will be keeping my distance. ”
“Don’t do this,” he begs, but I’ve already made my decision.
It’s hard to tell whether the moment that follows lasts a minute or an eternity. All I know is that I am holding my breath again and praying that he accepts my decision, so that we don’t have to launch into yet another round of this fruitless argument.
He seems to be holding his breath, too, because the silence between us is deafening. There are no loud cars driving by to tempt me to run, or wind rustling through the trees. There is only us, two siblings who have been to hell and back together at an impasse.
Regardless of how he reacts, there is no turning back for me. Not with the baby due any day. And when he finally lets out a dejected breath, I know that I have won.