Chapter 26 Skylar
Skylar
I drop my recruitment brochures into my roller suitcase with relief. This never-ending day is a wrap. My arms shake as I take down the life-size South Carolina University flyer. I’m struggling despite the increase in meds—or maybe because of them.
Picking up my life after two weeks off is a nightmare. But I gave what I had at this fair: my time. I doubt I convinced anyone to apply, but at least I didn’t take more PTO.
My suitcase drags behind me like an anchor as I slosh down the walkway in the drizzle. My only goal is to make it to the parking lot, rest on a bench, and then gather strength to reach my car.
I’m behind on everything, even my support group.
I was overdue to host movie night but had to pass it off to Adiba when I couldn’t stay focused on the concurrent chat.
I haven’t talked to Emy or Analia much either.
I was with Pike for the last week after my LP, but even when he went to work, I couldn’t muster up the energy to look at screens.
In my car, I scroll for nearby hotels. There’s no way I’ll be able to drive the hour and a half back to Rochester.
A few notifications pop up that make me peek into my chat with the girls.
how’s ur first day of unemployment going? Emy asks.
I treated myself to thirty-dollar vegan, gluten-free cake, Analia says. Not sure what else to do after getting fired for taking too many bathroom breaks. Already in pajamas and ready to curl up with a good book.
Wait, what? Analia got fired?
I scroll up until I find more details from the conversation yesterday.
I’ve had to leave in the middle of sessions, Analia wrote, so I saw it coming.
By the time I scroll back down, there are fifty new messages. It’s hard to keep up with everything because of the mildly blurry vision I’m still experiencing.
Emy says, we can buddy-read something! after spending all day at the hospital yesterday, i’m not leaving my bed either.
The hospital? I feel off-balance when I learn that she and Analia messaged the whole time she was there. I know my pain’s really at fault, but would I have checked on them more if Pike hadn’t been around? They’ve been there for me all along, and now it feels like I’ve let them down.
Just catching up on everything, I say, adding hugging emojis. I’m so, so sorry! Please text me in the future about this kind of stuff if I’m not on.
SKYLAR! HULLO! Emy says. how r u?
First day back at work, I write. Wharton upped my dosage so my ears are ringing, my face is tingling, my brain fog and fatigue are off the charts, and I’m still short of breath. Oh! Part of my back tooth crumbled, too. Sorry I haven’t been on much. I miss you.
We miss you too! Have your eyes been hurting too much for screens or were you with Pike? Analia asks. He said you slept at his house?
Yup, I stayed at Pike’s until yesterday.
R U SERIOUS!? Emy writes.
My cheeks flush with happy warmth. I was there a week, and I’ve never felt more cared for. Pike is kind of wonderful, in a quiet strength way that sneaks up on you. I’m chaotic about everything, and he’s calm skies after a storm.
I went home sometimes! But his house is more accessible without stairs.
Emy sends so many exclamation points, I swear they reach Pike all the way in Perinton. so he stayed in bed with u for two weeks?
No! Once we moved to his house, he went back to work.
but u slept next to each other?
We did, but I’m strangely nervous sharing that part.
It’ll seem like we’re sleeping together, which Pike doesn’t want.
It’s beyond confusing. I often thought things would head in that direction when we cuddled, but maybe that was just the intense lust talking.
My body responds to him like his presence commands it.
His roommate would find it suspicious if we didn’t, I say. We talked a *lot*. He ordered food because neither of us had the spoons. When I was up for it, we did easy things like board games with Luis and Cyrus, who are super adorable.
And then we stayed up talking in bed every night. It was cute to watch him fight sleep but keep nodding off until he finally succumbed.
Analia sends a thinking face. And you still don’t think he likes you?
right! Emy says. no straight man brings u to his HOME to take care of u if he’s not in love with u. no! man!
Well, I mean, Kalle totally would, Analia says.
I resist the urge to mention this is further proof he’s probably in love with her. That line of thinking would also suggest that Pike could be falling for me. It’s crossed my mind.
Maybe I’ve been single too long to tell the difference between friends and lovers anymore.
I don’t understand why we keep waking up attached to each other.
He’s the big spoon, and I’m helpless to his ministrations.
Which, since he doesn’t want to go further, range from him running his fingers up my arms to holding me so tenderly I feel like I’m wrapped in a cloud.
It’s innocent, but that makes it worse. It feels like dating, like romance. But wouldn’t he want more touching if he’s caught feelings? Is he just trying to make me feel cared for and has no idea what he’s doing?
Whatever this is, I write, I don’t want to mess it up. Pike’s so sweet and surprising. I love men who aren’t afraid to be soft with you at the right time.
and he took care of u for two weeks, Emy says. omg .
Right, I say. I just want to make him smile and give him a bunch of orgasms.
Analia sends blushing emojis while Emy sends her usual eggplants.
Wish I could chat more, but my eyes are still little shits, I say, then log off, but a call from Devlin makes me pause.
“Sky.” My brother’s gravelly rumble greets me. “How’s your head?”
“Not that great,” I say. “Sorry I missed your visit. How’s everyone?”
“Good. Everyone’s good.” It sounds like he’s scratching his thick beard. Devlin has red hair like me, but Jasmine got Jen’s blond.
“So I was talking to Mom,” he says, sounding uncomfortable. And immediately, I am too. “She’s really worried about you. So am I, but I’m not a mediator. Can’t you just get over it?”
“What exactly am I getting over this time?”
“Your boyfriend kicked her out of your apartment. Is this Brandon dude living with you?” Devlin has never been a protective older brother, but there’s a hint of something in his voice I can’t place.
“No. He was helping me through a health crisis. Mom would know that if she was involved in my life.”
“She’s involved in your life.” He sighs. “I know Mom has her issues. Just make peace and move on.”
And this is the other reason I don’t talk to my brother a lot. Rather than try to see it from my perspective, he just wants everyone to get along.
“Sounds good,” I say, because I know I won’t change his mind.
“Another thing. Got some news.”
“Yeah?”
“Jen’s pregnant.”
“Oh.” I grip my phone a little tighter and force enthusiasm into my voice. “That’s great. How far along is she?”
“Thirteen weeks.”
“Congratulations. Has Jen had a lot of morning sickness?”
“Nope. Just a little nausea a couple times a week but it’s mostly passed. She didn’t have to miss any work.”
“Lucky her.” I have to miss work for nausea, and I’m not even growing something beautiful inside me. There’s no ultrasound, no name to pick out—just lost hours, a job that doesn’t wait, and a body that won’t cooperate.
“Hey, I’ve gotta run, so…” I let it hang there, knowing he’ll be just as glad to get off the phone.
“All right. Take care, Sky.”
“You too.”
I sit in my car for a long time, mind numb, watching the parking lot empty. Jen and Devlin have been trying for a second child for two years now. The news still hits me like a freight train.
For the most part, I’ve made peace with my illness, but sometimes envy creeps up on me.
Time moves forward when you’re sick, but not in the same way.
I still feel twenty-one, a time capsule frozen at the age I got sick.
News of babies always reminds me how much time has truly passed.
My uneventful birthday, usually spent curled up in bed, always reminds me.
By the time I reach the hotel, I don’t have energy to shower, and my dizziness and weakness remain after three hours of resting. Before I can chicken out, I call Pike. I miss him.
My stomach flutters when he answers with video. He’s shirtless again, back to his regular routine now that I’m not there. His hair has grown out a little since I met him, and it’s even more attractive than his former brush cut.
“I’m about to fall asleep,” he says.
“Sorry. I forgot how early you go to bed.”
He turns onto his side. It’s like we’re back in bed together, so close I can feel the heat radiating off his skin. The desire to reach out and touch him through the phone is so strong I put my hands under the covers.
“Tell me about your day,” he says.
“It was long and full of jocks. Nothing interesting.”
“So, tell me about something else.”
I close my eyes. “Like what?”
“How about something from your past? You don’t say much about it.”
“That’s because while you were touring the world and becoming one of the coolest athletes ever, I was going to college, getting sick, and trying to stay alive.”
“Correction. I am the coolest athlete ever.”
I squint through one eye. He’s smirking. I love this playful side he usually keeps contained.
“See! We should talk about you.”
“Eh. You can read about me anytime.” His face grows serious. “Skylar? You’ve had boyfriends, right?”
“Yes?”
“You mentioned they didn’t care about your health?”
Did I say that? My memory’s always shot when my pressure is high. I’ve probably said lots of incoherent things to him.
“What is it you want to know?”
“What happened with your last boyfriend?”
“Owen? We broke up two years ago and I haven’t been in a relationship since then. By choice.”
Pike whistles under his breath. “Why’d you break up?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“I really do.”