Chapter 26 #3
It took me a few moments to process all this new information.
Firstly, the fact that Josh had been seeing a counsellor for goodness knows how long – not once had I thought he was the kind of person who’d be minded to talk to someone about his feelings.
I also couldn’t ignore the warmth I was feeling towards Saskia.
For the last couple of years, I’d dismissed her as nothing more than an attention-seeking influencer.
I’d never stopped to consider that she and my brother might’ve formed a significant and genuine connection – the kind of connection I’d been searching for my entire life.
‘I adore your brother. I always have. He’s got such a kind heart. He just wants to do good in the world. But, like all of us, he struggles with certain demons. And that’s why having you here is so important.’
I was finding that hard to believe, since me uttering the word ‘Scarnbrook’ to his face had been enough to tip him over the edge.
‘But he’s just so cold with me all the time! He seems to have a better relationship with his Instagram followers than he does with me.’
‘Why do you think he might not want to get close to you? Or to anyone for that matter?’ Saskia was trying to sound compassionate but I could hear the exasperation in her tone.
‘He’s scared of losing you, Mally! He’s petrified of losing anyone he loves.
The fitness and this social media obsession of his – they’re nothing more than controllable distractions from all the uncontrollable things he’s too scared to think about. ’
I took my mind back to the in-jokes that Josh and Livvie had shared. The way he seemed to defrost around her. She used to curl up in his lap and convince him to put on her favourite cartoons. He relented every time. They were polar opposites in so many ways, yet their bond had always been strong.
I thought about how he must have felt when she died. When he saw her die. And how his natural barriers would’ve shot up even higher so he’d never have to experience that horrific kind of loss and trauma again.
‘So, you’re saying that social media is just some kind of security blanket for him?’
‘Yeah, burying himself in online comment threads and confrontations brings him this weird sense of comfort. It’s his way of doing everything he can to not have to think about his pain.’
‘I get it. You’re saying he’s hiding in plain sight. Whereas I’ve just been plain old hiding. Like my parents.’
She rested one of her hands on mine. ‘I’m not going to pass judgement on any of your coping mechanisms. But please understand that this is why it’s been so hard for me to spend any time with Josh when he’s in his family’s company.
Because his defences shoot right up. It’s so hard to see him like that. ’
‘We were all convinced you thought we were dull or something.’
‘Dull? God, no. When we first met at our engagement dinner, I remember being so relieved that you were so funny and nice. But it quickly became obvious that Josh was uncomfortable as hell and I had to help him through it.’
I felt thankful that Josh had Saskia in his life. God knows what would have happened to him if he hadn’t.
‘Why haven’t we spoken about all of this before?’ I asked.
‘I didn’t know if you were ready to listen.
But, because you went back to Scarnbrook, we wondered whether you might be ready now.
Which is why we invited you here – to make a start.
But, instead, I’m worried I’ve pushed Josh into it and it’s all still too soon.
Oh God, I hope I haven’t fucked this up.
I really thought getting the two of you together like this might help him make some more progress. ’
Before travelling back to London that morning, I hadn’t known it was possible to feel any more untethered than I already did.
But, right now, I felt as if everything I’d ever known was just beyond my grasp.
I laid my head back onto the arm of the sofa and placed a scratchy hemp cushion over my face.
Saskia sensed my internal existential unravelling.
‘Shit, Mally, I’m sorry – I keep talking about Josh when this is as big a deal for you as it is for him.’
I kept the cushion over my face as I replied, ‘don’t worry, I’m pretty used to coming bottom of the pecking order.’
Saskia had nothing to say to that, although I heard her take a large slurp of wine, followed by a shaky exhale and some fingernail taps on her phone. I wondered how much longer I could tolerate the rough fabric on my skin, although I was quite enjoying the relative peace under there.
‘Hey, Mally?’
‘Mmm?’ Still muffled.
‘Are you ready for a slice of chocolate cake?’
I nodded my head in an exaggerated motion so the movement could be detected via the medium of the cushion. I added a thumbs up into the mix for extra clarity.
While Saskia took the plates into the kitchen and prepped our puddings, I removed the cushion from my face, along with some rogue strands of hemp.
‘Do you mind if I put the telly on?’ I called to Saskia.
‘Go for it – the remote’s in the drawer under the TV.’
I switched it on and flicked to Channel 5 by reflex, letting the Christmas movie fill the silence.
Saskia set down two plates on the coffee table – with an enormous slice of rich, gooey dessert on each one – and curled up in the nook of the corner sofa.
‘Ooh, I love this one,’ she said, gesturing towards the screen with a forkful of cake.
‘You know this film?’ I asked, not even recognising it myself. After a while, they all merged into one. Which was absolutely no bad thing.
‘Yeah, it’s called The Road Home for Christmas . This is one of the 2019 Lifetime movies that mentions Winter Storm Meghan, which is this fictional megastorm that gets brought up repeatedly as if the stories are happening concurrently.’
‘Hang on a second. You love cheesy Christmas movies?’
‘Fucking love them, Mally. You?’
‘Yes, oh my God, I’ve never met anyone who loves them as much as me before! Or possibly even more than me by the sounds of it.’
‘Ha, yeah, I’m a total nerd when it comes to the Hallmark cinematic universe and its adjacent cinematic universes. I could talk about them all day.’
‘So could I! I’ve even created my own bingo game!’
Saskia’s eyes widened in delight. We squealed in unison and squeezed each other’s hands.
‘What’s your favourite one?’ she asked, not able to contain her glee.
‘All of them!’
‘That’s the correct answer! Right then, let’s turn off this big light and settle in for some Christmas movie magic. I’m sure Josh’ll be back soon. I’ll grab us a blanket.’
Dusk was falling by the time the credits rolled. Josh still wasn’t home, but he’d messaged Saskia to let her know he’d be back before dark.
‘You were right, that was a good film. Can’t wait to watch more Winter Storm Meghan ones now.’
‘See? I know my made-for-TV movies. What is it about them you love so much, do you think?’ Saskia asked.
I thought about my bingo lists as I fiddled with our shared blanket’s tassels. ‘The formula. They’re so predictable and familiar.’
‘Yeah, I love all the tropes so much.’
‘I guess it also helps that lots of them are about finding love a little later in life.’
Saskia smiled. ‘What else?’
I thought about the article I’d ended up writing for The Helix . All the narrative elements that tied Christmas movies together.
‘The themes: community. Family. Home.’
My voice splintered as I spoke the final word. Saskia scooched up even closer and put an arm around me.
‘Yeah, I suppose all the families in these films end up happy and together, don’t they?’
I nodded, the sobs coming thick and fast now. I couldn’t believe I’d never connected these movies to my own existence before.
‘I always know what’s going to happen,’ I added. ‘There aren’t any nasty surprises – and there’s always a happy ending.’
‘The predictability makes you feel safe.’
I got goosebumps as I nodded. Because ‘safe’ was how I wanted to feel all the time.
But after all the seismic shifts that had taken place in my life in the last week, I felt the opposite.
It was as if the ground was dropping away, with everything I’d ever relied upon as secure crumbling beneath my feet.
My friendship with Elle. My ties to the people I’d naively trusted in Scarnbrook.
My job – or lack thereof. My non-existent relationship with my brother.
Even my lack of respect for Saskia, who I’d previously dismissed as nothing more than a pin-up wife for Josh’s Instagram grid.
Had I really been wrong about everything?
‘You can always turn to me, you know that, right?’ Saskia said, squeezing my hand gently.
‘I do now. Thank you. I wish we’d got to know each other sooner. And with Josh here.’
‘He’s come so far. But he’s on the edge of the digital rabbit hole right now and I was kind of hoping you could help me pull him away from it.’
‘How?’
‘Well, I suppose it boils down to this: if you stop hiding, maybe he’ll stop hiding, too.’