Chapter 1 #2
Over the next hour, we discussed what they found and what that meant for me.
Since I had nobody I could call, I got a case worker, even though I would turn eighteen in a couple weeks.
Apparently, the case worker was supposed to help me make sure my "affairs were in order" before I went off to college in August. They advised that it was in my best interest to not see the state of my parents and that they'd make sure I got all their belongings as soon as possible.
Then, after what felt like a lifetime, they both gave me their phone numbers in case I needed anything, made sure I was okay to be alone, and then left.
I slowly closed the door, leaning my whole body against it as I did, and locked it.
I turned around, leaned my back onto the door, slowly slid down, wrapped my arms around my legs, and sobbed uncontrollably.
The tears were finally accompanied by what I can only describe as fresh waves of hell.
My body felt like it was being ripped apart from the inside out, while the outside was still cold and clammy.
I rocked back and forth, willing the pain away, begging Mom and Dad to please just walk through the door.
How could a broken heart hurt worse than any physical wound I'd ever endured?
How could a heart break so thoroughly and keep beating?
Hours later, they hadn't come home. I awoke on the floor in front of the door.
I don't know if I passed out from lack of oxygen or if I cried myself to sleep.
Tapping my watch awake, I noticed that it was just before midnight.
After pulling myself out of the heap I was lying in, I wrapped my arms back around my legs and just stared around the room for a minute.
My watch beeped, letting me know I missed my vitamin reminder.
Mom and Dad took vitamins very seriously.
A healthy life is a happy life, and all that.
A lot of good that did them. I climbed to my feet but had to lean on the door for support for a moment as my legs had that awful tingling feeling from being asleep.
It hurt and tickled and was so uncomfortable, but they finally subsided enough for me to make it to the kitchen cabinet where we kept all our vitamins.
Swallowing them down with a glass of tap water, I took a moment to be thankful that my vitamins were one less thing I had to worry about.
After I had decided to head to college in the fall, Dad had immediately bought all my necessities for my first six months of school.
He was the planner of the family. Mom was very whimsical where he needed order.
They were a perfectly balanced pair. Mom and Dad always told me I was the best of both of them and I had to agree, I felt like I had a happy-whimsy-ordered balance.
As my mind quieted, I found myself with my head tilted back and just staring at the ceiling. What was I going to do without them?
Present
A small sob chokes out of me, knocking me back to reality. Shaking my head, I look around the small, drab space I will be sharing with a relative stranger for at least the next six months. Mom would have so many ideas for our little room, and they would have all been perfect.
Channeling my inner whimsy, I make a list of things to brighten the space and make it feel more like home.
Make it feel more like my mom was actually able to take me shopping that day.
I vow to choose at least one thing that I find hideous, that dad would have simply shaken his head at, that she would have loved.
Happy with my list, I set to unpacking. Since I was used to moving around all the time, I didn't have much to unpack.
I ordered one of those POD storage unit things for my mom and dad's stuff that I couldn't part with.
That way, when I finish school and settle down, I can have it delivered to me.
Setting a picture of the three of us on my desk, I touch their faces and smile.
"I love you guys. I wish you could be here. I hope I can do this without you."
I allow myself one more tear before promising to focus on happiness. The therapist I had in Arizona was so sweet and gave me so many tools to help manage my grief and anxiety. I would have been truly lost without her. Referring me to her was the only helpful thing my worthless caseworker did.
After just an hour of unpacking my little box of stuff, my watch beeps again, reminding me to take my vitamins.
Content with my progress, I curl up in bed and browse Mom and Dad's Instagram account.
Seeing their work brings me peace. Remembering my old life hurts a lot more some days than others, but I know they would want me to be happy, so I'm really trying.
I'm taking this amazing opportunity given to me, and I'm going to start this new life with happiness and good intentions.
My roommate is supposed to be here tomorrow, and I want to be well rested so we can get off on the right foot. We've been talking all summer, and we've hit it off really well, but you never know what will happen in real life.
I mean, I've never had a real friend before, outside of my parents.
Sure, I might have made quick friends with the guides or tribes when we were on assignment, but since I've never gone to school and their work consisted of nature and wildlife photography all over the world, I really never settled down or socialized. I’m worried I'll be awkward and strange, but I hope we can be friends.
Maybe once I'm good and settled, I can even meet someone.
Obviously, never having friends, I never had anyone to be interested in.
That's another thing my parents did well.
They showed me that when you love and choose the right person to spend your life with, it's really not that far off from the movies.
They would dance in the kitchen at night after cleaning up from dinner, constantly holding hands and kissing each other in public, and my dad was always buying her flowers or little tokens of love just because.
I don't expect to find “the one" necessarily, but maybe I could date a few people and test the waters. Maybe I could just get my first kiss.
With my mind busy and my body tired, having successfully completed the first day of my new life, I finally put my phone on the charger and call it a night.