Chapter 6 #2
When she looked back to her friends, a single tear ran down her cheek.
Rikesh wiped his eyes and Tarisha leaned on him.
‘I can’t forgive him. I can’t. Can you?’
Neel found it odd that she was asking both of them if they could forgive her father.
‘We actually have, Kaavs,’ Tarisha said.
‘We had to so we could heal, if that makes sense,’ Rikesh said.
Kaavi nodded.
‘I want to heal too, you know. But I think about it and I can’t.
’ She paused, looking at a bird in the bird bath.
Then she turned back to them. ‘I have panic attacks. When I left here, I found myself in another world. It was fast and ruthless. I would lock myself in the change room until an attack passed. I’d find myself remembering at the oddest times and it would hit me like a ton of bricks.
Then I met Neel and the attacks stopped.
I thought I was healing … but I wasn’t,’ she said.
Neel swallowed hard. His wife had been suffering in silence. He didn’t know she was suffering. In all the time they were together, she never showed anxiety. She was bubbly. She was happy. Or at least he thought she was.
They sat in silence until Rikesh and Tarisha said it was time to leave. They told Kaavi they would be at the funeral the next day.
Kaavi slipped on her sleep shirt and pulled her hair into a ponytail.
Earlier, she’d caught a glimpse of the sari she’d brought along to wear to her father’s funeral.
A sickening thought. People remain hopeful and pray when their loved one is critically ill.
Not Kaavi. She’d packed a traditional outfit to wear to the funeral.
She wasn’t going to feel guilty about the way she was feeling. She had a right to hate him.
She left the bathroom and walked into the bedroom. She wondered what Neel was up to. Without thinking, she tiptoed to the master bedroom and peeped in. Neel looked up. He was in bed scrolling on his phone with his earphones on. He removed them from his ears and placed them on the nightstand.
‘What’s up?’
She didn’t respond.
He pulled the cover open next to him and patted the bed. Still saying nothing, she walked slowly to the bed and then quickly got under the covers.
He smiled awkwardly. She did too.
‘Must I switch off the lights?’
‘I’ll do it,’ he said, reaching next to the nightstand for the switch. The room plunged into darkness.
Neel lay on his back with his arms folded under his head. Kaavi faced him.
‘Say what’s on your mind,’ he urged.
Kaavi didn’t answer.
‘I’m not going to pounce on you,’ he said.
Kaavi wanted to reach out and hold him, but she didn’t.
‘I looked for you, you know. I even hired a lousy private investigator,’ he said.
Kaavi’s heart sank. She shifted closer to him.
He turned his head. When they made eye contact, his face broke at the sight of her tears.
‘Come here,’ he said, pulling her under his arm and holding her tight. He kissed the top of her head.
The funeral was scheduled for 11 am. Neel’s family had come over to lay out breakfast for them. His mother fussed over her, but Kaavi just nibbled on a slice of toast. They left, and Neel and Kaavi got ready for the funeral.
Neel dressed in a dark suit but spent most of his time in the living room, pretending to be busy when Kaavi knew he was giving her space to deal with the emotions that one has on the day of a parent’s funeral. Kaavi draped her soft baby-pink sari and rolled her hair into a bun.
She sat on the bed and thought about the last time she’d seen her father before he fell ill.
She was 18 and her belongings lay on the pavement outside their home.
‘You will never set foot in this house as long as I am alive. You are a disgrace. No daughter of mine,’ he shouted.
Her mother stood at the window, crying. She was locked in the house.
‘I hate you,’ Kaavi shouted back. ‘I’ll never forgive you.’
‘I couldn’t care less,’ he spat out.
Sen pulled her away.
‘Listen, do you need anything from that pile of your stuff?’ he asked.
‘No.’
‘Then let’s leave. Granddad will get you whatever you need,’ he said.
Kaavi looked back at the house once more. Her mother was shouting, but Kaavi couldn’t hear what she was saying. She looked one last time at her father before Sen ushered her to his car.
Now she heard the door open and the memory faded. Neel walked into the room and stopped.
He looked at her from head to toe.
‘Are you ready to go?’
She nodded.
He fetched his wallet and the car keys from the nightstand and waited for Kaavi. He held out his hand and she took it. He pulled her into him and hugged her.
‘I got you, baby,’ he whispered.
Her mother, a vision in a white sari, accepted condolences and sat close to the casket. Kaavi didn’t even bother to look at his body.
She stood against a wall nearby. Neel seemed to be busy with her uncle and Sen, making sure everything ran smoothly.
Her aunt, grandfather and Shona sat next to her mother.
Rikesh and Tarisha were behind them and Neel’s family was in the row behind. They were probably horrified by what they were witnessing. The only other people there, apart from the officiating priest, were from the funeral home.
The silence in the small hall attached to the funeral home was suffocating, but Kaavi held it together.
The priest asked if anyone wanted to say a few words. Silence. Then there was shuffling. Her grandfather stood.
‘I’d like to say something.’
He made his way to the podium. He didn’t need a microphone so he swatted the funeral home employee away.
‘I’m not going to talk about Jay. I’m not going to talk about what should have been and could have been.
I want to say a few words about something else.
Pain, in its rawest form, has engulfed our family for a long time.
I watched a rose, my rose, wither away.’ He stopped and looked at his daughter.
‘I witnessed injustice in its cruellest form. I didn’t truly know what injustice meant until … ’ His voice broke.
Kaavi turned away, her body spontaneously contracted into a half-foetal position against the wall.
She heard sounds coming out her mouth. Loud, involuntary sobs.
She couldn’t stop it. She was crying uncontrollably.
She felt a hand on her shoulder. She expected it to be Neel, but it wasn’t. It was her mother.
‘Sweet girl, it’s going to be okay,’ she whispered and embraced Kaavi.
Her grandfather started speaking again.
‘Forgiveness is not an easy path. It is not about forgetting or excusing the hurt we have endured. Instead, it is about freeing ourselves from the chains that shackle us. It is about letting go of the anger and resentment that are weighing us down. It is about recognising that, while we cannot change the past, we have the power to find peace … to be happy … to be free. Free.’
‘I’m okay, Mom,’ Kaavi said and led her mother back to her seat. She returned to her spot against the wall.
She refused to look anyone in the eyes. The priest was saying something, but she wasn’t even listening.
She saw the pallbearers from the funeral home prepare to carry the casket out.
She glanced at the doorway and that’s when she saw it: a uniform.
She felt the impending doom surge through her veins.
When she looked up, her cousin was watching her.
Neel was standing to the side with Sen. He wanted to rush to Kaavi when she’d started crying, but when he saw her mother stand, he knew it would be better to let her go.
Suddenly Sen wheeled round to the doorway. He saw what Kaavi had seen: a policeman was waiting outside.
Sen pushed Neel towards Kaavi. ‘Go to her now!’
He rushed to the door while Neel strode to Kaavi’s side. She was gasping for air.
‘I’m here,’ whispered Neel.
She dug her fingernails into his hand and he wrapped her in his arms.
‘Breathe. Just breathe. I got you,’ he said, reminding himself about the tips he’d read online about panic attacks.
She nodded.
‘No one can hurt you. I’m here,’ he said.
It felt like a lifetime with her gasping for air while he reassured her.
‘I love you. You’re safe right now. You’re with me. Let’s focus on breathing together, in through your nose, out through your mouth.’
He started breathing that way with her.
‘You’re doing great, Kaavi. There we go.
You’re doing great. Do you remember the time we decided we had to learn to cook or we would starve to death?
You signed us up for cooking lessons! You’re lucky I loved you so much to actually go through with it, even if I almost got us kicked out of the first class. ’
She was no longer gasping. It was only then that Neel noticed the silence in the hall. He looked up. Everyone was watching them. There wasn’t a single dry eye in the room. Even Natara was wiping away tears.
Sen approached them calmly.
‘It’s okay, Kaavs. I’ve sorted it out. There are no cops around. We can all leave now.’
She nodded, squeezing Neel’s hand.
Afterwards, everyone made their way back to her parents’ house. Her aunt had arranged for a catering service to provide a vegetarian buffet lunch, as was the custom.
‘So, Neel …’ Shona sat on the garden chair next to her.
Kaavi blushed.
‘Your kids are going to be gorgeous. You’re a supermodel and him … damn he’s gorgeous,’ Shona continued.
Kaavi laughed.
‘It’s good to hear you laugh,’ Shona smiled.
‘Thank you for always being there for me,’ she replied.
‘We’re family. That’s what we do,’ Shona said kindly.
‘How does it feel to be married?’
Shona laughed.
‘It’s only been a week. Your cousin is so annoying at times, especially because he is so level-headed, but I love him so I guess I’m stuck with him,’ she joked.
Kaavi thought about the divorce papers back in Rally.
‘Hey. You’ll figure it out,’ Shona said when she saw Kaavi’s grim expression.
Kaavi smiled half-heartedly. Shona sat with her for a little while until everyone was preparing to leave.