Chapter 27 #3
Suddenly it feels like the last six years are already a memory, a time that was and that I’ve already lost. On some level I thought this was temporary; I know how Adam feels about me and maybe he just needs to get this out of his system, the same way I do with Liam.
I can’t even be mad at Adam for wanting these things with Riley—she’s beautiful, creative, fun—and I should be happy for him.
I should be so happy for him. But why do I feel like this is something that deserves a June-and-Adam conversation?
Adam’s talking about making a life-changing decision with someone who isn’t me, like I don’t matter.
Since when do I not matter to him? Instead of feeling upset that he wants to spend his next chapter with someone else, I’m hurt that he couldn’t even tell me.
That I’m no longer relevant in his life.
“Right,” I say, and my mouth goes dry. I feel sick again.
“June?” Riley says. “Are you okay?”
“Oh yeah, I just”—I clear my throat—“need some water, something’s stuck in my throat.”
“Let me get you a glass. Stay here.” She stands up and heads to the bar. My eyes follow her, and she walks up behind Adam, who’s talking to Liam. Riley nods in my direction and Liam waves to the bartender, doing a drinking motion with his hands.
Riley’s arm wraps around Adam’s waist from behind and he looks down, pulling her in beside him. They look comfortable, like they belong together. I wince at the sight ofit.
They’ve talked about it. I can’t get the image out of my mind.
They’ve talked about a future together. She’s known him for a mere fraction of his life, and she was able to have that conversation with him.
I’ve known him for six fucking years and I couldn’t bring myself to tell him how I feel.
How do I feel? I don’t even know how I feel.
I love Adam. Of course I do. I love him with every fiber of my being, and it is possible to love someone and be afraid of that.
Liam strides my way with water in hand. “Hey, here you go.” He gives me the glass and I down almost the entire thing in one go. “All good?”
“Mhm, thank you.” I wipe my knuckle across my mouth.
“You know”—Liam starts massaging one of my shoulders—“Adam and Riley are really great. I’m glad we did this.”
When did Liam and I become we ? When did they become Adam and Riley?
“Do you mind getting me another glass, please?” I look up at him.
“Yeah, of course,” he says. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” My head nods aggressively. “Just thirsty.”
He spins on his heel and disappears back into the crowd.
Adam and Riley are laughing about something; they’re facing the counter to pick up skates but she’s leaning into him and he’s rubbing the small of her back.
He looks happy. In all the years I’ve known Adam, I haven’t seen him like this with anyone, and the sight of it sends my stomach into knots.
A little kid about four or five starts running toward them.
I recognize him as one of the kids from the table across from us.
He has a toy in his hand, some kind of action figure, and he starts waving it toward the bar, but only Adam and Riley notice him.
His mom’s in line a few people in front, calling him, but Riley raises her hand toward her, nodding that it’s all good.
In an instant I’m transported to that day on Long Island, Adam and me eating our ice-cream cones, leaning against the hood of Ford’s car, watching a little girl and her mom.
I narrow my eyes at the interaction. Riley crouches down to the child’s level and starts playing with the toy, making him laugh. Adam follows and leans down next to them, his hand on Riley’s shoulder, and they continue to make exaggerated gestures, causing the kid to stomp his feet with excitement.
Watching this makes my face go pale, the warmth inside of me gone as if someone has shut off my internal thermostat. This feels like a snapshot of something I shouldn’t be watching, an intimate moment that suddenly makes me feel like I no longer have a place here. With him.
I want what my parents have. Adam’s voice from that day rings in my ears.
It feels like the room is getting smaller and smaller, the ground beneath me breaking, each plank of wood being ripped out and crumbled. The child runs back to his mom and Riley stands up, wrapping her arms around Adam and giving him a kiss, and it all finally clicks. I’m not what Adam needs.
Liam starts walking back with another glass in hand. When I look at Liam I don’t see a house, or kids, or even five years into the future. He’s not my best friend who knows all the ins and outs of me…but I’m content. And maybe that’s enough.
“Hey, I was thinking,” I say when he takes a seat. “I want to go to LA. I want to do that screen test.”
Liam’s eyebrows rise. “Oh yeah? What changed?”
“Nothing. I just, I don’t know—talking about it earlier made me realize that I should,” I say. “I’m going to look at flights tonight, okay?“
He squeezes me and pulls me onto his lap. “I’m warning you, once you get there you may never want to come back.”
As I watch Adam and Riley I feel my smile falling. “That’s okay.”