5. Gully
Gully
I t was day sixteen.
I woke up bolt wide awake, my heart racing as if I had an exam or an interview that was going to change the rest of my life and spent the first few seconds of my day completely disorientated.
Day sixteen meant Iris could take the pregnancy test and we’d find out whether we’d have a baby in a few months time. Today could mark the day when I could start putting a fence up at the bottom of the garden and coming up with a plan to baby proof my house.
Or it was going to be a day that we’d remember for all the wrong reasons.
I knew that even if we had a positive test today it meant that the road had only just started. There were the same sort of statistics for a successful pregnancy than if we’d conceived naturally. This was the biggest hurdle, but not the only one.
I felt sick.
Nervous.
Nauseous.
I threw back the covers and headed out of my bedroom towards Iris’, tapping at the door quietly before I pushed it open.
I’d avoided her bedroom until now.
She’d avoided mine.
It was safer that way, keeping the walls as boundaries, at least for me.
For the last two weeks, I’d watched her knowing she was possibly growing my baby inside of her, hoping that she was.
Unsure of what it would mean.
We’d taken walks along the sea, our feet bare as we walked across the sand. We’d eaten out across the island, fish and chips at the end of Beaumaris Pier, dinner at a posh restaurant in Rhosneigr, a meal at Finn’s, and then there was the time at home, just the two of us, a pile of blankets sent from Ireland on top of us as we read or watched TV or just sat by the fire and talked about everything and nothing.
I’d never spent as much time with one person, never felt the need to hibernate before, but that was how it felt.
I liked it.
I wanted more.
I didn’t like it when Iris went to bed in her own room. I didn’t like not being able to put my arms around her when we were under the blankets on the sofa. I didn’t like not having the right to hold her in the kitchen or touch her when she looked sad or worried.
For my own sanity, I’d stayed out of her bedroom.
I opened the door, feeling like a boy on Christmas morning, only I wasn’t sure what would be under the wrapping.
Iris was snuggled under the covers, her hair sticking out over the pillow. The curtains were pulled back, probably so she could see out over the Menai Strait as soon as she woke up.
I sat down on the mattress, aware I was looking like a complete creeper right now.
Her eyes flickered open. She smiled, stretching under the covers.
“Morning, sleepyhead.”
She stirred some more, a smile appearing. “How late have I slept?”
“It’s just after eight.” So not late at all.
She sat up, holding the covers up to her chest.
Shit, she was at least semi-naked under there.
I’d tried to forget how she looked without her clothes. I’d done everything I could to not remember that night in New Orleans, trying to put it so far out of my mind it’d taken place in another universe.
“So I haven’t overslept.” She was smiling. “You’re just excited about something.”
The answer to that depended on which part of my body she was referring to.
“It’s day sixteen.”
She sat back, rearranging pillows behind her while keeping the covers over her chest.
“I know. I nearly took the test when I woke up at one this morning.” The covers slipped a little. She held them firm. “Are you trying to sneak a look at my tits, Gulliver?”
I nodded. No point lying. “Naturally. You have good tits. Possibly the best.” I raised my head out of the gutter. “You should’ve woken me. You could’ve done the test then.”
“Some of us have more self-control.” She looked far more relaxed than I felt. “What’s the plan? If it’s negative, what are we going to do for the rest of the day?”
“What do you want to do?”
“Probably cry and stay in.”
I nodded. “Then we’ll do that. And speak to the clinic. What if it’s positive?”
“Cry and stay in. Crying’s involved either way. If it’s positive, I don’t want to tell anyone for a few days. Is that okay? I know you’ll want to tell your brothers so I feel guilty asking.”
“We’ll keep it to ourselves for a while. Roe will guess though, but he won’t say anything.”
“And you won’t have to tell him, will you?” She looked suspiciously at me. “He’ll just know.”
“Probably. I knew when Freya was pregnant.”
“How?” The covers slipped a little more.
So did my eyes.
I shrugged. “He was fierce. The way he stood. The way he watched her. Roe doesn’t miss much, but he was really high on alert and he was – taller. That sounds weird, I know, but he just grew.”
“Pride.”
I nodded. “Totally. He was a lot better than Finn though. He just became stupid until Elias arrived.”
“How?” She looked concerned. “What do you mean by stupid?”
“Really overprotective. Worried about everything. Ruby wound him up though, which he deserved.” I’d found it funny at the time. Now I was feeling more sympathetic towards my brother.
“Which one will you be?” She settled further down in the pillows.
I studied her, her hair mussed from sleep, her body relaxed even though today would be a day when our lives changed.
I moved from where I was sat to be next to her, lying down on top of the mattress, stealing some space on her pillows, totally encroaching on her personal space.
“I’ve never been as quiet as Roe, so I won’t be totally like him, but I’m more chilled out than Finn, so somewhere in between. I’ll be annoying, I know that. I will want to look after you.” I paused. “I already do.”
Her eyes glistened with tears.
I lifted a hand to wipe them away as they spilled down her cheeks. “I promised I’d tell Mavis when we found out.”
“That’s okay. You can tell Mavis. Won’t she tell the rest of the town though?”
“No. She can keep a secret and she’ll keep this one. Telling her that you might be pregnant seems to have made her feel better.” The back of my hand brushed against Iris’. Her fingers entwined with mine.
Mavis had been feeling low when I went to see her a couple of weeks ago. Her arthritis was playing up and her hip was giving her grief, so she’d decided to stay in, which had made her grumpier than usual. I’d told her about the wait Iris and I had to find out whether the IVF had been successful and it’d perked her up, Mavis giving me the pep talk instead of the other way round.
“I’m glad it’s perked her up.” She squeezed my hand and turned over, the sheets falling away to expose more skin.
“’Ris, I can control myself, but I am going to stare. I just need you to know that.” I heard the choke in my voice.
She giggled, pulling the sheets around some more. “Do you want me to put a top on?”
“Not really, no.” The fact that she didn’t have a top on was distracting me nicely from what else today was going to expose. “You can have your top off whenever you want, as long as it’s only me who gets to look.”
That might’ve been a bit too much.
Iris bit her lips together and I hoped it was to stop her from laughing rather than swearing at me.
“Possessive much? Even though we’re just friends?”
I clenched my jaw. “I don’t feel like this is just friends.”
She relaxed back, her hand still holding mine. “Co-parents. Hopefully. Shall I do the test?”
I sat up, nodding. “I think so. We’re not going to know what to do with ourselves until we know. It’s definitely long enough, isn’t it?”
She glanced down to my crotch. I was wearing pyjama bottoms which were probably a bit flimsy. “It was long enough that one time.”
“Now who’s being inappropriate?”
Her cheeks coloured. “If you can look, so can I.”
That was the point something changed. Later, in weeks and months to come, it was this moment when I realised my life changed, even though a bigger event was about to take place.
Iris slid out of bed, her back to me so I couldn’t actually see her tits, no matter how much I tried to look, and pulled a dressing gown off the back of the bathroom door, covering herself up without giving me a peek of anything.
I lay back on the bed, disappointed.
“Are you doing it now? The test?” I knew she had to pee on a stick, but that was about it.
"Just brushing my teeth first. Then I’m doing the test.”
I heard the water run in the sink, the sound of her electric toothbrush, the call of a gull outside.
My heartbeat that was too fast.
The toothbrush stopped.
“I’m going to do the test. I don’t want you to see me pee so don’t come in. Or listen. If I think you’re listening, I won’t be able to pee.”
I laughed at the instructions. “I’m not listening.” I totally was. I started singing an Elvis song, the same song that’d been playing in New Orleans when we first kissed in the middle of Mardi Gras.
It was a deliberate choice.
“Okay, you can come in.”
I stopped singing and sped to the door, pushing it open. Iris was at the sink, the test in her hands, watching the tiny screen.
I stood behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist, not even trying to resist holding her. I could see the test over her shoulders, her back resting against my chest.
“How long does it take?”
“A couple of minutes, but it might be sooner. We’re looking for two lines.” She pointed to where I’d see them.
Silence hovered. My heart was probably setting records. I knew the statistics. As far as IVF went, we had a good chance of this being successful. If it was, then we had the same chance as any other parents of this being a healthy pregnancy.
“Can you see it?” I felt her tense in my arms. “Am I imagining it?”
I saw it. “It’s positive. You’re not imaging it. You’re pregnant. We’re having a baby.”
She put the test down on the sink and turned around in my arms, throwing her arms around my neck, her eyes shining with tears.
I didn’t think, not clearly anyway. I picked her up, sitting her on the sink, her legs wrapping round my waist, her dressing gown parting so that bare skin was exposed, with just a tiny pair of white panties covering flesh up to her waist.
I kissed her knowing that I was crying too, the wetness from both of our tears mingling when she kissed me back, her mouth parting, the kiss deepening.
It didn’t last. I was aware that my cock was definitely awake and while I knew how much I wanted to explore this further, right now would be a mistake.
“I don’t want to apologise for that.” I didn’t bother to take a step back. Iris would already be aware of my erection.
“Then don’t.” Her voice was soft, full. “I’m pregnant. That’s a good enough excuse for a kiss like that.”
“Only with the father of your baby, mind.”
She laughed, her hand lifting to cup my face. “That’s the second time this morning you’ve said something possessive.” She slid back down to the floor, looking down in between us.
My cock was still very much present in this conversation.
Her eyes looked back up to mine. “I kind of feel sorry for you.”
I shook my head. “Don’t. I’ll take care of it in the shower. I’m going to need the rest of the day.”
“In the shower?” She looked a mixture of horrified and impressed.
“Sorry, no, to let it sink in.” I lowered my hand and placed in on her belly over her dressing gown. “You have a baby growing in here.”
“A tiny collection of cells. A mixture of you and Ivy.” Her hand went on top of mine, guiding it through the folds of her dressing gown.
I didn’t like that. “Ivy helped, but that’s still our baby. Yours and mine. Saying it’s Ivy’s is like saying it’s Roe’s instead of mine, ‘Ris. That’s our baby in there. Mine and yours and Ivy would agree with that.”
Iris’ eyes were overflowing even more now, her hand still holding mine against the flat plane of her belly, which in a few weeks if we were lucky, wouldn’t be as flat.
“I know. I know she would. And I know I’m lucky, so very lucky, to be here right now.” She shifted so she was pressed close to me again, my cock just about having got the message that this wasn’t the right time or place.
I held her, arms wrapped around her in the small ensuite bathroom, scared and happy and nervous and excited all at the same time.
I hadn’t known how I would feel when we got that positive pregnancy test. I’d imagined it, thought about what it’d be like to have Iris full with my child, but I’d never guessed it would actually feel like this.
I wanted to shout from the rooftops at exactly the same time I wanted to close down the shutters and make this into a fortress than would protect both of them forever more so no harm or upset could ever come their way.
“How do you want to spend today. I’m not sure this room’s big enough to be in for a long time.” I kissed the top of her head. “I think we need breakfast and fresh air.”
“Breakfast and fresh air sound good. I’d like to go down to Ivy’s Arch.” She broke away from me slightly so she could see me. “I know you’re going to be worried about me falling or something like that, but I will be fine.”
She was right. It was exactly what I was worried about. “Can we see what the weather does? If it stays dry then yes. I know you’ll be okay, but - ”
“I get it. You’re allowed a few days of wrapping me up in cotton wool, then it stops.” Her tone was firm.
I nodded, taking what I could get and saving the bartering until later. “How about today I take the boat out and we can go by sea?” We hadn’t done that yet. “If it isn’t rough.” I was decent sailing, better than either of my brothers because I’d had more experience, heading out with Thane some days when I was at a loose end and had needed to fill some time.
Iris nodded, her arms still around me. “That sounds good. Let’s do that.”
The next few days felt like I was living a different life. Iris took seven pregnancy tests in total. We spoke to the clinic and made an appointment with the doctor here, Grayson, who was also the husband of one of my friends, Clover. We dodged everyone. Keeping away from Puffin Bay and the inn and my brothers. I just sent a message letting them know that all was well and they had the sense to leave us be, although I was more than confident Roe knew what the test result was.
It was easy and hard and amazing and frustrating all at the same time. Iris and I had clicked from the moment we first properly met each other, or rather, after the first letter she’d sent. Being with her had always felt natural, like it was just meant to be. Our silences didn’t need to be filled, we were never stuck for anything to talk about. I laughed easily with her and she relaxed with me. She’d been my best friend for years and probably one of the people I loved most in the world along with my mam, my brothers and my nieces and nephews.
As well as our baby that was growing inside her.
I didn’t try to keep my hands off her, but I was careful where I placed them. Standing behind her now was my usual spot when we were looking at the sea or out of the window or just standing near each other, because my hands went to her stomach, gently touching. I’d checked she was okay with it, then checked again and again, until she’d laughed and started putting my hands there anyway. When we were sitting on the sofa together, she started to curl up closer to me, wrapping me around her as if I was a blanket, and again putting her hands on her stomach.
And all the time I wanted more. The itch I’d had since New Orleans and Mardi Gras that I’d never managed to get rid of was now painful.
But it took my twin to put the words out there.
“You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”
I’d gone for a run, needing to clear my head and it was the first morning in ages where it hadn’t been pissing down. We’d known for four days that Iris was pregnant, four days during which my head was spinning and my thoughts were all over the place on a minute by minute basis. Our lives had been irrevocably changed and I was filled simultaneously with fear and wonderment.
As it happened sometimes, my twin was running the same path at the same time. We’d gotten used to those coincidences, or rather we’d never had to get used to them because they’d happened from day one. We’d both want the same food without knowing it, or both sleep badly even if we were in separate rooms or cities. I had a very good idea when my twin lost his virginity and he knew exactly when I’d broken after Ivy died.
Going for a run at the same time to the same place was no great surprise.
Neither were the first words he’d said to me in days.
“Yes. I am.” No point lying to either him or me.
“What are you going to do about it?”
To the point, but then that was Rowan Holland for you.
“No idea.”
“But you’re having a baby together. As planned. She’s living in your house. As planned. You’re sharing the rest of your life. As planned. Are you going to sit there and watch her bring up your child, meet someone else, move out – marry another man?”
“No, but I might push you into the sea at some point.” It was an empty threat. If I did that, our mam would have me hung, drawn and quartered.
“What’s the plan? Actually, let me rephrase that – is she okay? Baby wise and everything?” He slowed to a walk which meant this was going to be a serious conversation.
I owed him that.
“She’s thrilled. She’s well. We have an appointment scheduled at the doctor's tomorrow and then the next step will be the twelve week scan. The odds are the same as someone who’s conceived naturally from now on. When did you know?” I ran my hand through my hair, knocking off the sweat I’d accrued.
“Four days ago. In the morning. I woke up because for some reason Calla let me and Freya have a lie-in, and felt weird and wide awake and I kind of figured it out. You were happy and shitting yourself at the same time.” He shrugged, rubbing his own hair. “Then I didn’t hear from you apart from that you were okay so it all made sense. Are you okay?”
“I’m, yeah. I’m good. Over the moon. Working out how to child proof the garden. Working out how to tell Iris I want more without it sounding like it’s just because she’s having my baby and it would be the right thing to do.” I stopped walking, turning to look out over the sea.
By coincidence, we were at the point on the coastal path that was just above Ivy’s Arch, the same point where Ivy had come off her bike.
Roe put his hand on my back, which was brave because I’d been running at speed and was sweaty.
“Want to head down? Tide’s out.”
I nodded. I hadn’t been here with Iris yet since we’d found out she was pregnant, apart from by boat on that first day, when we’d paused in the Strait to see the arch from a different angle. It had been raining pretty much non-stop, and I hadn’t had to argue with her that trekking down the steep slope would be a slip hazard.
It took Roe and me less than ten minutes to drop down, both of us fit and used to fell running most of the year. We used the gym Finn had installed in one of his outhouses, competing with each other with stupid challenges because we could, and Roe and I had taken up entering fell races, which were definitely designed for the certifiably insane.
The arch was as it usually was at this time of year, slightly weathered but Ivy still wrapped around it. The gate had seen better days and the fence had broken in one place, probably this week with some of the winds we’d had. It was nothing that a decent repair job wouldn’t handle.
“I think about Ivy, you know.” Roe climbed on top of the large, smooth rock that we sometimes sat on in summer to play guitar and sing, reminiscent of when we were kids and thought we were a boy band. “She’d be thrilled for you and Iris, you know that, don’t you?”
I nodded. “Sometimes I wonder if she planned it. She knew I thought I liked her and she wasn’t interested at all.”
“That must’ve been a shock,” my brother chuckled. “The irresistible Gulliver Holland finally being resisted.”
“Yeah, well, she was right. It was the novelty of a woman not being interested and I know that sounds really up my own arse, but it didn’t happen that often and I didn’t like her like that and she knew it. I was just fascinated. She got how I wrote, she understood the process and she didn’t try to change anything about me. And she was gorgeous.” I remembered how she’d looked here, stood on the rock where we were now seated, looking out to the sea with the wind tugging her hair behind her, her laughter filling the cove.
“Easy done. Now you’re gone on her sister.”
I nodded. “And I can’t explain it apart from the obvious. She’s beautiful, she’s creative and intelligent, she makes me smile.”
“Since when did you feel like that about her?”
“Since New Orleans. We slept together on our last night there. Everything changed afterwards. Something clicked in place and the world looked different the following day, it felt different. The colours were brighter, music was clearer. The only problem was she never mentioned what’d happened and she started seeing someone else, so I got the vibe that she wasn’t interested and she wanted to forget we’d spent that night together, or just leave it there as a fun memory.” I swallowed, remembering the months afterwards.
Not just the months either, the years.
Roe nodded, stretching his legs out in front of him. “So neither of you talked about it?”
“We acknowledged it happened, said we didn’t regret it and moved on from there. Or she moved on. I didn’t.” I remembered the dates and the semi relationships afterwards, the women I wanted to feel more for than just attraction and a few good nights together.
“How do you know she didn’t? Remember Freya? We were both oblivious to the fact we liked each other and wanted more. I even thought she liked you.” Roe shook his head and shot me a glare.
I shrugged. “I had to find a way to get you to see the obvious. Freya liked you once she realised you weren’t a complete tool. And you were so far gone for her, you just didn’t know what to do which was fucking typical. You never had any game.”
“I didn’t need it. You had enough for both of us. What are you going to do about the woman who’s having your baby, who will be my niece or nephew.” His grin was full and beaming. “I’ve made up for you, actually.”
“Thanks. I thought you’d reckon I was insane for agreeing to help ‘Ris out.” I shrugged again. “I thought I was insane, to be honest.”
“You don’t now?”
“Fuck, no. It’d be a bit late anyway.” I studied my twin. “I’m really fucking excited, but I’m scared shitless that something will go wrong.”
“You can’t think like that. You have the first twelve weeks to get through – so another nine or ten, and then you’re in the second trimester. That’s the big first milestone. Once you’re at that point, you can breathe. Just wait until the baby’s born, then you’ll know what fear’s like.” He shook his head at me. “Actually, you probably won’t. You’ve already won the legendary uncle of the year award for all the babysitting you’ve done with Calla and the evil E’s.”
“You can’t call Elias and Elsie evil.”
Roe laughed. “I can and they are. They’re going to make Finn have a head full of grey hair before they’re both five. You’re great with kids and you’ll be a fucking good dad.”
“Thanks.” I rubbed my hand against my head again. “I just want to be more than that for Iris.”
Roe was quiet for a moment, thinking.
I left him to it, watching the sea ebb and flow, the clouds moving quickly across the sky.
“Is there a reason why you don’t think she feels the same as you?” Roe eventually said. “Has she said or done anything to put you in the friend zone?”
I thought for a second, remembering the morning when she’d peed on a stick and changed our lives forever. “No, I guess not. We’ve never had the ‘we’re just friends’ conversation. We kissed on Saturday, when the test came up positive and we’re touchy with each other.”
Roe nodded. “Remember, you’re a hugger and you’re touchy anyway. So she knows you’re attracted to her?”
“I don’t think she has any doubt about that.” I remembered those sweatpants and the lack of secrecy they’d given. It hadn’t been the last time either. “But I can’t just tell her I want more – she’ll think it’s just a pregnancy thing and it isn’t.”
Roe stood up, stretching more. “Show her it’s okay to fall in love with you. Let it be her who makes that decision.”
“How do I do that?”
He shook his head. “I’m not the ideas person. But the person I’d ask would be my wife. And she won’t say anything.”
“Meaning our sister-in-law would?” I grinned. We both loved Ruby but she was the next generation of Puffin Bay gossips.
“If you want Iris to know how you feel without telling her, let Ruby know. Seriously, speak to Freya when you’re ready. My advice, for what it’s worth, be you. You and Iris have been friends for years – you have a lot of foundations together so don’t do anything that’s not you.”
“For once, you might’ve given me decent advice. So no fireworks in the sky?” I grinned, referring to Grayson when he’d proposed to Clover a few years ago.
Roe shrugged. “Maybe not yet.”