Chapter 28
28
I had a comfort zone, and this wasn’t it.
But maybe comfort zones weren’t all they were cracked up to be.
There may have been reasons why I had been so cautious about stirring up any trouble before, but I was beginning to think this was not one of those times. Being a people pleaser sometimes meant smoothing over or ignoring things that weren’t pleasant, but this was one thing that needed to be confronted head-on.
Something must have happened to push Connor to the edge. To leave so abruptly, when he said he felt like he’d found a home at last, after four years of drifting. Whatever it was, the timing of Connor leaving Jingle Junction was no coincidence. There was only one way to find out what that was, though, and that meant getting face-to-face with him and finding out the truth.
I could hear Angus barking before I even reached the front door of Connor’s one-story cottage. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply, exhaling in a long, slow breath.
I knocked and strained to hear inside. Footsteps echoed on the floor, and a few seconds later, the front door opened.
Connor MacDowell scowled down at me. “Ivy?”
So, we were back to the scowls now.
Well, the problem with that was I no longer took such expressions seriously. Whether it was a lack of contacts or putting on a front, it didn’t matter.
“Connor. What’s going on? My dad told me you’re breaking your lease at the Sweet Shoppe. Why?”
He seemed to consider his answer before he spoke. “Look, it’s for the best, Ivy. For everyone. I never should have come to Jingle Junction.”
I tried to stop the tears that threatened to fill my eyes and to ease the sudden tightness in my throat. “How can you say that? Is it because of last night? Are you upset I tried to kiss you?” I was shaking again despite my resolve not to do so. I kept my gaze locked on him, wanting the truth and willing to face it, no matter how much it was going to hurt. “I’m sorry if I crossed some boundary you set. But that’s no reason to leave here.”
He didn’t say anything at first, his face unreadable. I had no idea how he was feeling, but it didn’t stop me. Nothing was going to stop me.
Not now. Not ever again.
“I just can’t, Ivy,” he finally said. “I’m sorry.”
My heart felt like it was shattering. This wasn’t fair. And it was wrong. I was connected to him, knew it more now, in that very moment, than ever before. The thought of him leaving triggered a deep-seated pain inside me, and I gasped for breath when it struck.
“Don’t do that, your expression,” he growled, pain etched across his face. “You’re killing me as it is.”
Angus barked twice, and then the little scamp darted out between our legs and bolted for the road. Thankful for a reason to flee from this feeling and, frankly, from the way Connor looked at me with that broken grief on his face, I turned and sprinted after the little Scotty dog. It was icy in some spots, and I slid in a couple of places. I could hear Connor yelling my name, but I just couldn’t face him. I’d rather take my chances with the growling dog than the growling man.
I spotted Angus by the sidewalk in front of Connor’s house, but when I went to scoop him up, he shot out in the middle of the street.
“Angus MacDowell,” I scolded, my breath misting the cold night air. “Get back here, right now!”
The dog sat on the yellow line at the center of the street and barked. Sighing, I looked both ways before jogging into the middle of the road to retrieve him. I’d just scooped him up when bright headlights suddenly flashed in my face. A car had turned onto the dark road and was roaring directly toward me. I turned to hurry back across the street, but my foot slipped on a patch of ice. I was about to fall down in front of the car when strong arms snatched me up and carried both Angus and me over to the sidewalk.
When Connor dropped to his knees on the cold ground, still cradling Angus and me to his broad chest, I stayed as still as I could. I didn’t want him to let go.
To let me go.
I wanted to stay there in his arms… forever.
Angus reached up and licked my face, and I squirmed to duck my head. I’d expected Connor to release me, to berate me and tell me to leave, but he didn’t. In fact, his shoulders were shaking, and he was now holding me so tightly it was hard for me to fully inhale.
“Connor,” I whispered, “I can’t breathe.”
When he finally pulled back, tears were running down his cheeks.
“What’s wrong?” I cried. “Are you hurt?”
Connor rested his forehead against mine, then sighed. “I guess you can say that.”
“Let me up,” I tried to stand, but he refused to release me. “I need to see where you’re hurt.”
“It’s not something physical, lass.”
I frowned and stopped moving. “What do you mean?”
Our heads still rested together, and Connor closed his eyes. “This is how Sarah died. Just like this. In my arms.”
“I don’t understand,” I whispered.
“She’d only had Angus for a couple of weeks. He was still a puppy. He’d gotten out without his leash and ran. She chased after him,” he swallowed once, hard, then continued, “into the road and…”
Oh. Oh no . “Connor, how horrible.” I could barely speak, my throat so tight it ached. “I’m so sorry.”
He opened his eyes and met mine at last. “The car didn’t see her, and I couldn’t reach her. I wasn’t fast enough, Ivy.” There was a tremor in his voice I hadn’t heard before. “Angus darted at the last minute, but Sarah wasn’t fast enough. She died right there in the street. While I held her and could do… nothing … to save her.”
Angus started to whine.
Heads still pressed together, I rested my hands against his cheeks. “That didn’t happen here tonight, Connor. We’re all okay.”
He shook his head and leaned back, brown eyes shadowed, his face still wet from his tears. “Don’t you see, Ivy? This is why I need to leave. Why I can’t do it again.”
My heart fluttered, and I felt like I was going to be sick. “I don’t understand what you’re trying to say, Connor. No one was hurt tonight. I’m okay.”
“It’s not okay, Ivy. I can’t go through all that again. That pain. I don’t think I could physically stand it if…”
“If what?” I whispered when he didn’t finish the sentence.
“If something happened to another woman I cared for.”
I sucked in a breath. Was he saying what I thought he was saying? Did he care for me like I cared for him?
He gently released me, slowly and with reluctance, and stood. “I just don’t have it in me to risk loving someone again. It’s too hard. It took me so long to heal from a loss like last time. It’s too much.” He blew out a long breath and looked away. “I thought maybe I was ready, but last night showed me I’m not. It’s too much of a risk.”
“You’re not the only one taking a risk here, Connor MacDowell!” I scrambled to my feet. Angus yipped and tried to climb up my legs, but I ignored him. This was too important to lose focus. “I’m taking a risk here, too, and I’m willing to take that risk! For you… for us !”
Connor shook his head, sorrow etching his face and eyes. “No, Ivy. You have no idea what it feels like to have the person you love, the person you pledged to love until death, suddenly ripped from you. Sarah and I didn’t get the chance to grow old together, and I still get angry about that. I vowed to never open myself up to that kind of pain and hurt again. Then I turn around one day, and you’re standing in an alleyway waving at me. I can’t explain it, but I felt something there that I hadn’t felt since Sarah was alive. And it scared the hell out of me. Has been scaring me over and over every time I look at you. Touch you.” His hand rose as though to brush my cheek, only to drop away again. “Think about you. Ivy, I don’t want to feel that again.” He practically groaned in agony. “I’m broken. Still broken. That’s why I have to leave this place. Leave you before we both get hurt.”
I’m not sure where the courage came from, but I stood up straight, shoulders back, and jabbed him in the chest with my finger. “No. I’m not allowing it, Connor MacDowell! You deserve love and happiness, just like I do. We make a good team, too good to just throw whatever this might be away because there’s a chance something bad could happen to one of us. We proved that last night.” I leaned down and picked up Angus, who immediately started licking my cheek. “Please don’t be so afraid to try again that you lose the chance to have what you deserve. Don’t throw us away before we’ve even had that chance.”
On impulse, I stood on tiptoe, then pressed my lips against his.
Warm. Delicious. And so right .
For a few timeless seconds, he didn’t move.
I was about to pull back when I felt his arms tighten around my waist and pull me even closer. Tilting his head a bit, he deepened the kiss.
I’m not sure how long we stood there, kissing on the sidewalk like our lives depended on it. It wasn’t until Angus started dancing around us that we pulled away, laughing and crying.
“You’re mine, Connor MacDowell,” I said, stroking his rough cheek with one hand while balancing his very bratty—and now beloved—dog in the other. “I’m not letting you go. You can try to run, but I’ll catch you every time.”
He laughed and pulled me close again. “Is that a bet?”
I laughed with him and shook my head. “Nope. That’s a promise.” I looked up at the sky and smiled as soft, white flakes began to gently fall in the perfectly still air. “It’s snowing. Just the right ending to this Valentine’s Day season, wouldn’t you say?”
“Happily ever after, is it?” he teased, his eyes dancing with amusement.
I grinned and pulled him down to me. “Something like that.”