Chapter 10 Training Montage #4
“No, he did,” Ben says. “I saw how he looked at you during the first class. I thought you two were a couple already. But I think he must have walked into the relationship saying, ‘What are fifteen ways I can screw this up?’ And then he did them. I mean, with Paige, I went into the whole relationship thinking I wasn’t good enough for her, and then, sure enough, her parents thought I didn’t have the confidence to be good enough for her.
” Ben frowns. I wonder if he is realizing this for the first time.
“So what exactly happened with Paige?” Helen asks. “Can you tell us?”
He leans his head back against the plush booth and sighs up at the ceiling. “Do I have to?”
None of us say anything, waiting to see if he secretly wants to. Sure enough, after a moment, he launches in.
“So we were fighting a lot. And I thought it was the wedding pressure, I mean, her parents would make anyone crazy. So I figured we spend a couple of months of trying to please her parents, they pay for the big wedding Paige wants, and then we can start our life together. But nothing was ever good enough for them. And Paige kept getting angry about everything. The flowers, the bridesmaids, her bachelorette wasn’t what she wanted.
And finally, the night before the ceremony—after this ten-thousand-dollar rehearsal dinner…
” (Helen whistles at the number) “…Paige is stomping around our hotel room saying that her sister’s rehearsal dinner was better and I said, ‘Are you sure you even want to do this?’ And she told me ‘I never wanted to do this. I’m not even sure I can be faithful to someone. ’”
“So she was cheating?” Jody likes to cut to the chase.
Ben shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Maybe at the bachelorette, I don’t know.
But I said, ‘Well, fine. What if we didn’t get married?
’ And she said, ‘Then what are we together for?’ And I said, ‘To make each other happy?’ And she started talking about how she hadn’t experienced life yet, so I said, ‘Paige, what do you want?’ And she said, ‘Why are you pressuring me?’”
“How old is she?” Jody asks.
“Twenty-six.” Ben closes his eyes. “Here’s the thing, though.
The marriage wasn’t even my idea. Her younger sister got married at twenty-four, and Paige kept telling me she didn’t want her little sister being ahead of her with everything, like in terms of having kids and stuff.
When we first started dating, she told me that I better not waste her time and not propose. ”
I nod. “So marriage was a box she had to check off to keep up with her sister?”
“Is that a woman thing?” he asks. “No offense.”
Jody shakes her head. “That’s a rich-girl-from-the-Hamptons thing.”
Ben takes a deep breath. “Can my next girlfriend be poor? That sounds nice.”
Helen smiles. “No, sweetie. My family was dirt poor, and I was so desperate for a way out that I married the first man who bothered with me. What you need is a nice, normal, middle-class girl.”
“In New York?” Jody snorts. “Good luck with that.”
“Yeah, I should probably just move back to Ohio. And I hate Ohio,” Ben says.
“You’d be hot shit in Ohio,” Jody agrees. “Are you actually Mormon?”
He shakes his head. “Presbyterian. I’m not even that uptight about drugs. I’ve smoked weed like, four times.” Jody tries not to laugh. “I’m not a loser. I’m just…” And he trails off, the way people do when they’re trying to sum up all the good things that they are not.
“Hey.” I put out a hand to Ben. “Come dance with me.”
He meets my eyes and nods once. I lead him onto the floor where three other couples are swaying.
There is a shocking amount of room around us compared to our usual swing practices.
Ben takes my hand and starts to lead me.
He’s too upset to be counting steps, which means that he’s much better than usual.
I can tell that his one beer is affecting him, too, making him a little more loose and impulsive, but then again, he probably wasn’t sober when we picked him up.
“You know I’d sleep with you if you were younger,” he says to me over the music.
“Wow, thanks, Ben. That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever—”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that. I mean I’d probably sleep with anybody right now.”
“That’s even better. How are women not crawling all over you?” I laugh.
“No.” He frowns. “I meant you’re pretty. You’re beautiful. I was trying to find a way to say that without sounding like I was hitting on you, because I don’t want to hit on you. I just want to say Ollie is stupid.” My cheeks warm from the sincere compliment that’s hidden in there somewhere.
“I don’t want to sleep with you either,” I say. “But thank you. And Ollie’s probably back with his ex-girlfriend, who is younger and hotter than me, so…”
“No way. I’m sure he’s regretting screwing things up. You’d be a hard person to lose.”
“Nice job digging yourself out of that hole.”
Ben laughs. “Well, you know me. I’ve got a way with words.”
Ben sends me through another move or two that we learned in class, still too caught up in his thoughts to be second-guessing himself.
“Am I boring?” Ben asks when we’re close to each other again.
“No, you’re handsome and fun and romantic.”
“But…?” he asks. “You can say it.”
“But I’m not sure that’s obvious. On the surface, you seem straightlaced, but you’re not.”
“I think I bored Paige.”
“Paige is going to want you back,” I tell him. “So you have to decide what to do if she asks to come back. Because I’m pretty sure that she won’t find anyone better.”
He shakes his head. “Anyone is better.”
“No. I’m one hundred percent serious. Have a plan for when she asks. Speaking as a woman, I think she will. And you have to decide if you still want her.”
He nods, and a flash of vulnerability crosses his expression. “It’s hard to imagine her crawling back to me.”
“That doesn’t make me wrong.”
Another song starts, and Ben pulls me closer. It feels like something has shifted in Ben. He has decided to lead. This is the Ben who has soul, the one who knows how to make love. This feels like the real Ben.
I glance over and see that Jody and Helen are dancing near us.
“Look at you, Ben!” Jody teases. “When did you get sexy?”
Ben smiles weakly. “It just required getting my heart smashed into a million pieces.”
“Worth it,” Jody says.
When we are done with the song, Ben and I look at each other, and for a moment my heart races from panic. I am sure he wants to kiss me. I’m sure it would be a good kiss. But I give him a hug and let the moment pass.
When we drop him off at his place a little after 1 a.m., he gives me a warm smile, then thanks Jody for the night out, like a gentleman.
He’s not boring at all.
“Swing festival,” I call to him.
“I’ll try to make it.” He smiles at me as he closes the door.
“Were you flirting with our little banker?” Jody asks me.
“He needed the boost,” I reply. “But I promise, literally nothing will ever happen.”
“I mean honestly,” Jody says, “that wouldn’t be the world’s worst one-night stand. He’s probably a very patient lover. He had to be to put up with Paige as long as he did.”
I end up crashing for the night on Jody’s sofa because she doesn’t feel like driving me all the way back to Cobble Hill. She introduces me to her roommate, a lean young grad student with dozens of books on anthropology who owns two chubby cats. Jody tosses me a blanket.
“Extra toothbrushes are in the basket by the sink,” she says. “You can Venmo me for the cost.” As sometimes happens with Jody, I’m not entirely sure whether she’s kidding.
It’s the first time I’ve crashed on anyone’s sofa besides my sister’s in a decade, and for some reason, it makes me happy.
I like having friends with no kids. I am enjoying having a break from parenting.
I would never change my life with Hannah—me and her, our little team against the world.
But this night is a reminder of what it was like when my entire life didn’t belong to someone else.
It’s a reminder that I’m still a person.
That may be the worst thing that Nick has taken from me, in the end. By making me into a single parent while he had adventures in L.A. and Georgia, he took away the moments that would remind me that I was still a little bit of the free spirit I used to be.
I think of how Ben talked about feeling boring, like no one wanted him, and I realize I have started to feel that way, too—like the real me is too hidden for anyone to see it.
I wonder if Ollie felt that way after his wife left, and if Eliana is currently convincing him that he’s exciting by begging for another chance. I wonder why I still care.
The Garden State Swing Festival is being held in an old theater complex in Jersey City near the PATH train station to New York City—the kind of place where the shabby gilt drama of a century ago still lingers in the gold paneling and rococo staircases.
The festival isn’t just for West Coast Swing: it’s a mix of events for East and West Coast styles, along with dozens of lessons, demonstrations, and social dances.
This glorious old decaying building will be hosting several hundred people from around the world over the next three days.
I arrive straight from work on Friday to get dinner with Helen before we pick up our badges and attend the opening night festivities and social dance; Jody has a work function at her nonprofit and won’t be able to join us until later.
Helen meets me at the train station dressed in her typical bright colors, with a long, flowing rainbow shirt and bright orange leggings, her silvery hair wrapped up with a matching headband.
“We’re getting Thai food!” she announces emphatically. “I never eat the same cuisine twice in one week.”
Over dinner, she makes me recap everything that’s happened with Ollie so that she can fully appreciate why I am nervous about seeing him again.