Chapter 20
Chapter Twenty
THE LAST LAUGH
T he sound of monotonous beeps - each with a second of silence before the next - was the first outside stimulus his brain recognized. His eyelids felt heavy, and his limbs felt weak and tingly. Where was he? Who was he? Jack. Jack Adamson. But the rest came back too gradually to avoid fright.
The surge of panic gave him the strength to open his eyes, and upon discovering his dimly lit hospital room, Jack determined if this were heaven; he was very disappointed. Then again, perhaps he was receiving his just desserts for having wasted so much of his life in selfishness and sin, and if that were the case, hell wasn’t so bad. It was a little stuffy, but it came with its own tiny telly, adjustable bed, and intravenous painkillers.
Upon recognizing he was still alive, Jack lifted the arm not in a sling and carefully felt his face. Judging by the short beard under his feeding tube and the marks on his nose and jaw that had time to become scar tissue, Jack figured he’d been out two to three weeks. Then he remembered the crash, Thomas, the kids, and Zuri. As quickly as his aching body could manage, Jack grabbed the remote attached to his hospital bed and hit the big red button. Within a few moments, a nurse came running into his room.
“Sir, what’s your name?”
“Jack.”
“Jack, what?”
“Adamson.”
“Good. Where are you?”
“The hospital. Listen, I need to know…was there an?—”
“Sir, first, I need you to answer all my questions, okay? What day is it?”
“I don’t know. I’ve been in a coma. Listen. I’m fine. I’m alert. I’m attentive. I just need to know one thing: was there anyone else hurt in the crash?”
“Not that I know of. Can you squeeze my hand?”
Jack squeezed as hard as he could as vengeance for not providing more information, but it didn’t seem to have any effect on her.
“It’s okay,” she said. “You’ll get that strength back gradually. Is there anyone you’d like me to call and notify that you’re conscious?”
Jack noticed on the table behind her a collection of flowers, candies, and cards addressed to him.
“No. Thank you. Not yet, anyway.”
“Can I get you anything?”
“No, I’m…actually, can you bring that table closer?”
“Sure.”
When the nurse was gone, Jack began pouring through the letters from his friends and family - hoping to find one from Zuri but also worried about what it might say. The first note he opened was from a V. Stanswick. The last name sounded familiar, but he couldn’t quite place it. The note read:
Dear Mr. Adamson,
You’ll be pleased to know that while you were sleeping, I was able to obtain a urine sample from your catheter. After running the labs, it has been determined that you had no traces of alcohol, bobo bush, b-bombs, Angie, yimyom, Gina, fluff, blind squid, Russian sickles, love potion #9, soap dope, caps, Aunt Emma, oxy, dummy dust, ercs, nubs, syrup, kibbles and bits, cowboy kush, flakka, or zannies in your system. As such, you will not be arrested for driving while intoxicated upon gaining consciousness. Congratulations,
Constable V. Stanswick
Next, he read two pages of a ten-page letter from his mum. He’d have read all of it, but he only needed two to get the gist of its extremely repetitive theme: Jack was a very, very special boy. After that, he opened Dane and Avi’s note and read it while eating the chocolates they’d left him.
Jack,
Part of me wants to apologize for going a little overboard, slapping you in the face, and sending you off in a storm to chase your happily ever after. But I can’t help but feel like this is yours and Zuri’s Stage 5: Turning Point. If so, I’d hate to apologize for having a hand in something so beautiful. So, instead, I’ll just say you’re welcome!
Dane says when you feel better, you still owe him a Boy’s Night Hunt. And Nessa says she hopes you feel better soon. We all know you will. Love you!
-The MacKinnons
Jack sifted through every card, note, and letter, hoping to find something from Zuri or Thomas. He read notes from Naia, Elena, and Connie, and Nor… Qui… and Jo… who he found out were really named Norbit, Quincy, and Jon-Bob. The makeup artist, Violet, sent flowers, and the stylist, Germania, sent a teddy bear. But with only one envelope left, he couldn’t help but worry that if it weren’t from Zuri, he may never hear from her again. With hesitancy, Jack opened the last envelope and read:
Dearest Jack,
Please Facetime me when you conquer this dreadful coma.
Your friend, now and forever,
Mick M. Morris - Director, Producer, and Academy Award Nominated Actor
Jack had to be missing something. Maybe the table was too small, and the nurses kept all the excess gifts in another location. If not, perhaps Zuri’s letter from London got lost in transit. Or maybe she’d asked Mick to deliver her message for her. If that were the case, he’d better call right away. But even though Mick’s note made it sound like he’d forgiven Jack for ruining the show, it didn’t make calling him any easier. And awkwardness was only the half of it. Jack’s phone was sticking out of the coat pocket on the chair at the other end of the hospital room, and with what he assumed was a broken clavicle, Jack once again turned to his trusty bedside remote and summoned the nurse and awaited her arrival.
“Yes, sir? What do you need?”
“Could you bring my coat, please?”
“Of course. Will that be all?”
“Umm…are these all the notes and gifts? There’s no others in like a drawer or cabinet or something?”
“I don’t know. Right now, two of the nurses are in room nine helping Dr. Muller with an emergency, and two of the nurses just called in late due to traffic. In the meantime, I’m trying to cover five ICU rooms all by myself until…”
“I’m sorry,” Jack said. “Don’t worry about it. You’ve got your hands full.”
After taking a deep breath and sighing, the nurse seemed to soften and say, “I’ll ask them when they get back, but I’m pretty sure that’s everything. In the meantime, are you ready for me to give any of your family a call? Visiting hours is in about five minutes…”
“Um. Not yet, but could you also get me a blanket when you get a chance? I’m a little chilly.”
The nurse nodded and left him alone. Jack pulled out his phone, punched Mick’s number into the Facetime app, and hit the call button. After a couple of rings, Mick appeared on his screen.
“Hey!” Jack exclaimed when he saw his mate.
“Jack! Oh, you’re alive! I’m so happy I could cry. I wish I were still in England. If I were, I’d throw you a hero party! It’s so good to see you!”
“Haha. It’s so good to see you, too, mate. What time is it there? You look sleepy.”
“It’s almost midnight here in LA, but I’m wide awake now!”
“Okay. Good. Because I need to tell you something. It’s killing me that I never got a chance to apologize bef?—”
“Jack, let me stop you right there. I know you haven’t heard yet, but you don’t owe me an apology. I owe you a thank you.”
“Stop, Mick. I ruined the show. I’m a knob.”
“No, you’re not a knob. Just listen. I ended up not using the footage as a multi-episode pilot season and instead turned the shots into probably the most expensive sizzle reel ever created. I pitched it to various networks, and… everyone loved the concept!”
“Well, that’s great!”
“But…here’s the kicker…instead of calling it Vermin of the State, I changed it to your recommendation: Pieces From the Past . ABC loved it so much they bought the concept, made me an executive producer, and plan on releasing it as a new addition to The Bachelor lineup!”
“What exactly does that mean?”
“It means along with The Bachelor, Bachelorette, Golden Bachelor, and Bachelor in Paradise, the new series - Bachelor in Time - will feature seasons of The Bachelor and Bachelorette where contestants try to find love while living in different times and places all around the world.”
“That’s amazing!”
“It is! So, season one will be Regency. Season two will be Ancient Rome. Season three will be Ancient Egypt. And if those do well, we’re thinking Vikings or Ancient Japan for season four! So I couldn’t be happier, and it’s all thanks to you.”
“Well, I’m really, really glad it all worked out for you, mate. You deserve it.”
“I appreciate that, Jack. Speaking of things working out, how is everything going with Zuri?”
“Pretty crappy, I think.”
“What? Why?”
“I mean, I chased her down in a car…caused an accident…the last time I saw Thomas, he was glaring at me, and the last time I saw Zuri…I don’t know what she was thinking or feeling. Now I’m sitting here with all these gifts and letters and flowers from everyone who cares about me, and none of them are from Thomas or Zuri, so…”
“Well, I don’t see much point in leaving you a note when she’s hardly left your side.”
“What?”
“Yep. It’s true. And Thomas spent the first four days in your hospital room. I’m sure he’d come with Zuri every day if he didn’t have to work. He still comes with her on weekends, but she practically lives there.”
“You’re serious?! Wait. What day is it?!”
“It’s Friday. Wait…it’s midnight. So Saturday morning in London.”
Suddenly, Jack heard voices coming from the hallway.
“Mick, I gotta go. Love you, mate.”
“Love you, t?—”
Jack ended the Facetime call just as his nurse came into the room with his blankets.
Urgently through his teeth, Jack said, “Shut the door and say nothing!” before closing his eyes and pretending to be comatose.
The door opened once more then closed. Through his squint, he saw Thomas pulling a chair closer to the bed, but Zuri was not with him. The nurse, still confused, shook her head and left the room.
“Morning, pal. Is today gonna be the day? It better be because if you wake up on a weekday and I’m not here to chaperone you and my sister, I’m gonna probably be forced to put you back into a coma.”
That was pretty good. Jack tried hard to fight off a grin.
“Listen…uh…I don’t usually get a chance to talk to you without Zuri here…and I probably need to make this quick because I’m sure she’ll be back any minute with breakfast, but uh…I just wanted to tell you I’m sorry. I’m sorry for overreacting. I’m sorry for telling you to stay away from me. But mostly, I’m sorry I thought you were too selfish to be any good for my sister. The uh…the bobbies said had you not…you know…done what you did, and that truck hit us without you taking the brunt of it…uhh…well…I’m just lucky to have you…is all. Tae’s lucky to have you. Talia’s lucky to have you. And Zuri…she’d be lucky to have you too. To be honest, I’m not sure which of us you were doing it for when you took on that truck, but…”
Suddenly, Jack opened his eyes and said, “You must know. Surely, you must know. It was all for all of you.”
“JAAACCCKKKKKKK!” Thomas shouted with happy tears in his eyes.
Clearly forgetting about Jack’s broken bones, Thomas jumped on him with all his weight and gave him an excruciating hug Jack hoped would never end.
“You prat! You were awake the whole time?!”
“I heard it all.”
“Oh! You’re the worst. But I love you, mate.”
“I love you too.”
“Zuri’s here!”
“I know. You told me, remember? And speaking of which…I think this would be the perfect time for a little…Overboard.”
“Oh, Jack. Not Overboard. It’s so mean!”
“Come on, Thomas. If I’m doing this I need you in on it.”
“I don’t know about this, Jack.”
“What’s not to know, Thomas? When your sister comes in, you just pretend like I have alopecia.”
“You mean amnesia! And no, it’s too cru?—”
The door opened.
Without looking up, Zuri walked in, laid out their breakfasts on the counter, and said, “Sorry, they didn’t have any orange juice, so I got you some t?—”
Zuri spilled the hot tea all over the floor as soon as she saw him sentient. “Jack? Jack!” she exclaimed as she practically pushed Thomas out of the way to throw her arms around him.
“Jack?” Jack asked. “That’s…that’s the word the other one kept saying too. Is that…is that what people call me?”
“What?” Zuri asked with panic in her voice. “Of course it is. Jack’s your name. Jack is you. Thomas…Thomas, what’s going on?”
“I didn’t know how to tell you,” Thomas said, “but I’m afraid…he’s suffering from amnesia.”
“Alopecia?” Jack asked feeling his eyebrows and hair.
“Oh no! Jack. Jack, listen to me, okay? I’m Zuri. You remember, don’t you? Zuri? Thomas, what'd they tell you? How long does this last?”
“It just depends. When Goldie Hawn went overboard and hit her head against the water, she lost her memory for a couple months or something. That truck was a lot harder than water, so…could be longer.”
Thomas winced at his own words. He always had a weak stomach for this sort of thing, but with Zuri turned around momentarily, Jack found a split second to shoot his mate an angry, don’t-blow-this-for-me expression.
“No. No, no, no, no, no,” she pleaded as her voice started to crack. “Jack, listen to me! I know you remember. You have to remember the Bertie Botts beans, and…and the kiss in the hidden room…”
“The what in the what?” Thomas asked.
“...the food fight and getting my attention under the table…and…”
As Zuri listed off every memory they’d made together, Thomas was over her shoulder, mouthing the words Stop this, Jack. She’s about to cry!
“...and then I broke Dani’s nose, and…”
“Wait!” Jack said, “I…I think I do remember you.”
“You do?”
“Yes! But your name’s not Zuri.”
“Yes, it is. I’m Zuri Burke…Thomas’ sister…great big glasses…umm…gapped teeth! Stink bombed your first guy/girl party. Remember… Hear your beating heart…when he’s saying your name…Hear your beating heart…Are you freaking insane? I…”
“ I… ” Jack sang as if he was starting to remember something.
“Yes…?” she encouraged.
“I dunnuh…”
“Yes! Come on, Jack, you know the words…”
“I…Dunnuh…dunnuh Freeway through the Danger Place .”
“Thomas, did you hear that!? I think he’s having a breakthrough!”
“Yay,” her brother said, but Zuri seemed too invested in Jack to pick up on the frustrated sarcasm.
“You’re starting to remember, aren’t you?”
“I do remember. All those things I remember. But your name isn’t Zuri! It’s T…not Tami. Tay…no, not Taylor, it’s…”
Zuri’s heart seemed to fail her as she climbed up onto the hospital bed with him and buried her head deep into Jack’s good shoulder.
“It’s like my beating heart is whispering something. Please, pretty lady…come closer and hear it for yourself,” he said as Zuri defeatedly conceded and rested her ear softly on Jack’s chest. “I think it’s saying…”
“It’s saying what all hearts say, Jack: bumbum…bumbum…bumbum.”
“No. It’s saying…tuhtuh…tuhtuh…tuhtuh…tuh…Twit…”
It took a few seconds, but Zuri’s head eventually shot up, revealing a purse-lipped glare that was so powerful - it seemed to utter every four-letter word imaginable.
“Got you first,” he whispered.
“Tosser!” she said as she quickly and angrily kissed him. “I’ll never forgive you.”
“It was Thomas’s idea.”
“No, it wasn’t!”
“I said we should tell her I have alopecia,” Jack argued. You’re the one who upped the ante to amnesia, silly goose.”
“Is that true?” Zuri asked her brother.
“Wh..no. I…he’s playing his mind tricks again!”
“How could you do that to me, Jack?” she asked. “Especially after I told you the reason I couldn’t be with you was because you always made me the butt of all your jokes!”
“I probably forgot. I have head trauma.”
“You deserve some more,” she said, clearly trying to fight back a smile.
“Oh, so throwing myself in front of a semi-truck for you…ending up in a coma for you… probably literally dying for you at some point…doesn’t entitle me to one last little laugh at your expense?”
Zuri acted like she was going to get off the hospital bed. Jack pulled her back towards him with the little strength he had.
“Alright. Alright. Listen. I promise you…and Thomas will be my witness…I promise you - from this day forth until the day I die - I will never again play another cruel joke where you are the punchline. I promise.”
“Oh, I believe you. Because you’re never getting another chance.”
“Oh, I think I might.”
“How do you figure?” she asked.
Jack’s tone suddenly became serious.
“Because…I uh…have something I want to ask you…and something I want to give you that I was planning on giving to the winner of the show. Now, I know you said you thought it was loopy that a guy could propose to someone after dating a whole bunch of strangers on telly…” he said as he began digging through his coat pocket. “There it is. So…Zuri Juniper Burke…will you…”
“Jack!” Thomas exclaimed.
“Jack…” Zuri echoed her brother while displaying no less than a dozen different emotions, “Maybe we should talk about this. I mean, you clearly don’t even know my middle name.”
“…be my girlfriend?”
Jack opened his hand to reveal the final puzzle piece and watched as Zuri’s squinty, gaping smile triggered his own.
“Hahaha! I will!”
With that, Jack felt all the tension in her body release as she slowly and honestly kissed him.
“Great. More kissing.” Thomas said. “You know what? I’m gonna go step out into the hall for a minute and make some calls…let everyone know Jack’s alright. But I will be back to check on you, so please keep it G-rated. Please? For me?”
“Anything for you, pal.”
Thomas smiled at his best mate and truly appeared happy for them. After one more kiss, Zuri nestled back into his chest. They enjoyed the peaceful quiet of the room for a few more moments before Jack thought of a question.
“Zuri?”
“Yeah?”
“What is your middle name?”
“Sade.”
“Yeah…Juniper’s way better.”
“Yes. Well, I know you’re just trying to be silly, but when you said it, I almost found it lovely…”