Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
Nadia
“ W e need to talk,” Matt says and those four little words have my heart sinking into my stomach. Nothing good ever comes from someone saying this. The worst possible scenarios play in my head. My insecurities, which I’ve been working on, come rearing their nasty little voices at me.
You’re not good enough.
You’re worthless.
You’ll never amount to anything.
My worthless father’s voice rings in my head and I shake it away. I can be strong through this. I will be strong through this. I pull up my big girl panties, sit up on the bed and nod my head. I refuse to shed any tears over these four little words. Even though it’s hard with all these emotions.
“What?” I ask with a small but strong voice. I wait for Matt to speak before I completely lose my mind and blow a gasket at him. Matt has told me over and over again that he loved me and he’s proven that love every single day. Which is why it feels like my heart is breaking in two.
The blush I’ve grown to love and cherish forms on Matt’s face, starting at his hairline and creeping all the way down his neck. “I need to tell you something.” He starts pacing the room back and forth, running his hands through his red hair. I grip the blankets tight, waiting for him to continue. “When I was a teenager, I was dating this girl named Tanya. I thought we would be together forever. One night we went to a party and that’s when my world changed.”
Red – 15 years ago
“Matt, are you ready to go?” Tanya asks, running her fingers through my hair. My face burns bright red and she giggles. “You know I love this blush.”
We’re at a friend’s party from school and people are getting carried away with drinking and fucking. Tanya disappeared with a few of her friends a couple of times through the night and each time she came back with a beer in her hand and a glossy look in her eyes. I stayed with water or soda knowing one of us had to remain sober. She’s getting a little tipsy and her hands keep roaming over my jeans cupping my length in her palm. I’ve had to stop her from unbuttoning my jeans a few times through the night. If this were any other girl and I was a different guy I would have let her stroke me until I exploded. We made a deal a few months ago that neither one of us were ready to take this next step until the other was, no matter how long it took. Even though I’ve been rock solid the moment Tanya comes into my vision, I hold back and do this for her. She deserves this much respect and more. I won’t go this far if she isn’t fully capable of herself. It’s my job to watch out for her and her safety.
I clear my throat and gaze down into her dark eyes. “Yes, I’m ready to go.” It’s getting late and I don’t want to have Tanya home past her curfew. My parents don’t care what time I get home, but Tanya’s does.
We say our goodbyes to everyone and climb into my pickup. The crisp night air feels good against my heated skin. I start the engine and Tanya slides next to me, resting her palm on my upper thigh. The heat from her touch races through my jeans straight to my aching erection. I shift uncomfortably, wondering what has caused her to be this brash. This isn’t how Tanya acts.
“Matt,” Tanya’s hot breath nips at my ear and my blood rushes south. “Touch me.”
My lips are on hers in a matter of an instant and my heart is beating hard in my chest. Tanya straddles me, grinding herself against my erection. She moans, opening her mouth to mine. I can taste beer and a hint of something else which stops me dead in my tracks. Tanya whimpers while still rubbing her hips back and forth.
“Why’d you stop?” She asks slurring her words slightly.
I hold her hips tight in my grip, stopping her from moving them and making me blow my load. I gaze into her dark eyes and a bucket of ice water dumps on my head. “What are you on?”
She looks at me with confusion in her dark eyes. “What?”
“What. Are. You. On?” I grit out through clenched teeth.
She sighs and climbs off my lap, throwing herself to the passenger side. Crossing her arms over her plump chest, Tanya glares at me. “Nothing.”
“Why are you lying to me?” I growl and start my truck.
“I’m not.” She pouts.
“You are. I can smell it on you. What are you on?” I demand.
“Fine. The girls gave me something to take the edge off and make me loosen up. Geez, I didn’t realize it was a big deal.” Tanya finally admits.
“What was it?”
“I don’t know it was a white powder I put on my teeth. They didn’t say and I didn’t ask. I’m tired of being the only virgin besides you, in school. I figured if I loosened up and not be so scared, we could go to the next level.” Tanya is sobbing in the passenger seat. “I’m so sorry, Matt. I didn’t think you’d act like this.”
I pull my pickup over and turn on my four-ways. We’re on a dark and secluded farm road in the middle of nowhere Virginia. Only the beam from my pickup illuminates the area in front of us. I put my pickup in Park and unbuckle my seatbelt. I slide over the bench seat and pull her into my arms.
“Tanya, I’m not in any hurry to move forward. As we agreed, I will wait until you are ready. It doesn’t matter if we’re the only couple who doesn’t have sex. What we have is so much more than that.” I run my palm over her smooth dark hair.
Tanya sniffles before clinging onto my shirt. “You promise you’ll wait?”
“I promise. I will wait until the end of time, if you need me to, Tanya. You’re too important to me.” I kiss her softly on the lips.
“Thank you, Matt. You’re too good for me.” One last kiss and I release Tanya and slide behind the wheel bucking my seatbelt.
Bright lights shine inside the cab behind me growing closer and closer at a rapid speed. Before I can put my pickup in drive, the approaching vehicle slams into ours from behind, shoving us off the road. My seatbelt locks me in place and my head hits the steering wheel. I shake off the impact and watch helplessly as Tanya’s skull shatters the windshield and she’s flung out of the vehicle. Before I can scream Tanya’s name, the airbags deploy, smacking me hard in the face, bringing tears to my eyes and making my ears ring. The sounds of breaking glass, crunching metal, blaring horns and Tanya’s screams penetrate through the fog. Just as quickly as the screaming started, it stopped.
Blood rushes down my face as I try to unbuckle my seatbelt.
“No, no, no!” I scream, frantically trying to unhook the stupid thing.
“Tanya!” I scream into the silent night. “Tanya!”
When she doesn’t answer, panic settles deep into my bones and I fight with everything I have to stay conscious. My hands are shaking relentlessly as I finally get my seatbelt unhooked. I try to open my door but it’s not budging. I throw myself into it over and over again until it finally gives way and I fall out.
I’m dizzy from the impact of repeatedly throwing myself into the door and fall on my ass but I get up and stumble my way to the front of my truck. “Tanya!” I shout into the quiet night. The glow from my headlights land on a small lump in the middle of the ditch. I hurry over to it. “No, no, no!”
I turn Tanya’s body over and tears flow freely down my face. Her head is at a weird angle and she isn’t breathing. I cradle her limp body against my chest, rocking back and forth, crying and screaming for anyone to help us.
After several minutes, my voice turns hoarse but I don’t stop clutching her. My life, the one girl I thought I’d get forever with is gone and I can’t bring her back.
I look up to the clear night sky with tears on my face. “Tanya, if you’re listening, I will keep my promise to you. I will wait forever if I have to.”
Matt stops talking and we sit in silence for a while. He is lost in his memories and I’m trying to digest what he’s told me. “What happened after that?” I ask, swallowing my grief. He needs me to be strong right now. Matt doesn’t answer right away. I move to the edge of the bed where he is sitting and rub circles on his back. Now, I understand more than what I did before and I will cherish every moment he gives me.
Matt wipes away the tears in his eyes and turns his gaze toward me. “The cops came and said the guy who hit us was drunk. He died on impact that night too, but it didn’t make sense. Nothing that night made sense and it wasn’t until years later I figured out why.” Matt swallows hard and continues. “I spiraled, Nadia. I went down a dark path seeking answers for Tanya’s death that ended with me in a six by eight room with bars for doors.”
I swallow hard. Matt doesn’t need my judgment. I was a stripper at one point for Christ's sake! “How long were you in for?”
“Five years.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“I don’t want to, but I need to so you understand the danger that comes with being a part of my life.”
“Isn’t being in a one percent biker club dangerous?” I tease.
Matt snorts, “I wish. The reason I’m mentioning this is because of what you said earlier about a Russian connection. I was mixed up with a Russian mafia and did tech stuff for them. Only I didn’t know it was the Russians until I was arrested and the FBI’s foreign counterintelligence showed me proof. I was highly skilled with computers and hacking since I was about fourteen and I honed that skill until I was the best hacker on the West Coast. A man named Lance Obolensky approached me with a job I couldn’t refuse. He made me believe I could use their resources to find Tanya’s killer. So, I took the job at a security firm in San Francisco. For a few years, I’d hack people’s accounts, move money from accounts, and all that bullshit. Then shit got real. I was getting closer to finding out who killed Tanya when I received a phone call from Lance. His boss needed me to hack into a system and send him the information. So, easy, breezy, I did it. A few days later, the FBI’s counterintelligence was knocking on my door and I ended up in prison for hacking into a government website and selling information to the Russian mob.
“That’s when I really shut off all emotions and feelings. I was sentenced to five years in prison since I had no priors and had no idea I was working for the Russian Mafia. I spent five long years in maximum security, fighting off the worst of the worst in there every day, including the guards, until one day a man took me under his wing. I was so tired of fighting for my life, I was at the end of my rope when he offered me protection and told me about the Royal Bastards. His name was Crawl, whose brother is Rage from our Georgia Chapter.”
“Did you find answers to her death?” I ask, worried this is going to make him spiral again.
Matt shakes his head. “Not yet, but I believe the reason you were taken was because of me.”
“How can that be, Matt? I didn’t know who you were when we met.”
“Because of my ties to the Russians. I received an email from Valdimer, the head boss of the Russian mafia, while I was scouring the web looking for you. He told me to back off or he was going to kill you. I was not going to let that happen so, I made a truce with Nolan and together we found you.” Matt holds out his hand and I slip mine in his. I don’t care if he’s been to prison or that his hands are bloody. All I care about is that, after all the tragedy he went through, he loves me. Even after he promised Tanya all those years ago and shutting off his heart, he opened it up for me.
I pull Matt’s hand to my lips and kiss his fingers. “Matt?”
He turns to me and his pale blue eyes are shining with love and worry. “Yeah?”
“I want to tell you something.” He raises an eyebrow waiting. I cup the side of his face in my hand not holding his and kiss his cheek. His face turns red and I smile, loving his blush. “Thank you for opening up about your past. I know it was hard to do, but I’m glad you did. I understand where you are coming from and how difficult this has been for you.”
Sooner or later, I need to tell him about my father and growing up. It’s not something I want to do, but like Matt said, I need to do it so we can grow from here. And I need to talk to my brother Nolan. “One more thing. Can we get Nolan? It’s time I tell you about my past.”
Matt pulls out his phone and sends off a text. A few seconds later his phone vibrates in his pocket. He pulls it out and reads the message. “Nolan and Krimson left but he said he’d meet us wherever we want at any time.” Matt shoots off another text and seconds later his phone pings again. “We’re going to meet him at a diner in Marina Del Ray in an hour.”
“Ok, I guess we need to get going then.”
An hour later we’re sitting at a quaint little mom-and-pop diner in Marina Del Ray right on the harbor. The outside looks like a log cabin decorated with white string lights. We sit in a corner booth that looks like a turquoise sofa. There is a dark oak table in front of us with two wire chairs on the other side. Wall-to-wall windows surround the back side of the restaurant to overlook the Marina.
Matt has been on high alert since we left the Clubhouse. He refused to let me ride on his Harley so we took one of the SUV’s. This is the first time I’ve left the safety of the Clubhouse, besides doctor appointments since the attack and I’m on edge. Matt keeps checking everything around us and now I’m jumpy and paranoid. Every time someone walks into the restaurant, my defenses go up. Matt does the same but he is on edge for a different reason, which I don’t know why. I’m on edge because he is on edge.
My belly growls and Matt orders us one of their famous pizzas to split. Nolan and Krimson showed up right after we did and ordered a couple of burgers and fries. Nolan is on edge too and doing what Matt has been doing since we left the Clubhouse.
“Will you two relax, please? You’re making me nervous.” I ask, resting my hand on Matt’s arm. He relaxes slightly to my touch but not much. The waitress brings over our food and sets it down while blatantly staring at both Nolan and Matt. Anger starts bubbling to the surface at the audacity of this woman until Krimson opens her mouth.
Krimson turns her honey gaze onto the waitress and grabs her wrist before she can walk away. Keeping her voice low, she speaks. “Keep staring at our men and you’ll have more than you can handle to worry about. I know where you live, when you sleep and how you like to fuck. I will do unthinkable things to you if you keep it up.” The waitress gasps and tries pulling her wrist away, but Krimson doesn’t let go. “Let me teach you a lesson, Sabrina. Next time you want to check out a guy, do it to one without an Ol’ Lady or they’ll do worse than I will.” Sabrina yanks her hand and Krimson lets it go. She scurries off and doesn’t come back.
“That was eventful,” I say between bites of delicious pizza. Krimson laughs and bites into her burger giving me a wink.
“I’m glad you decided to talk to me, Nadia,” Nolan says between bites of his food. His whiskey eyes, which match mine watch me. “I’m really sorry things happened the way they did.”
I brush him off, “Our father is a piece of shit. Honestly, I am a little terrified. After what that asshole did to me, I was scared you were the same way.” Nolan opens his mouth to rebuttal but I hold my hand up. “I know now you’re not. Which is why I asked you here.”
Not hungry anymore, I sit back and take a drink of the Sprite I ordered. “No one knows the hell I went through growing up. For a while, my family was good. We were happy or so I thought. I remember one time when I was sixteen, our father left for a couple of months saying it was a business trip. When he came back, my whole word shattered and his true colors came out.”
Nadia – 16 years old
“Nadia, your dad will be home in a couple of hours, please make sure your room is cleaned and you’re wearing that pretty dress he likes.” My mom shouts from the kitchen. I’m in the living room finishing up my homework. Dad hasn’t been home in almost two months and I’m leery to see him. Even though he’s never raised a hand to me, his words cut deeper. He’s always telling me I’m not good enough. Even when I got straight A’s in school and never got into any trouble, it was never good enough for him. Every time he left on business, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Ok, mama. As soon as I finish this assignment, I’ll get changed.” Dread burns through me and I roll my eyes. I don’t understand why I have to dress up when my dad comes home but to keep the peace, I do what she asks.
My mom was born into a deeply religious family in Mexico but she’s lived here in Venice Beach almost her whole life. She met my dad when they were young. She tells me it was love at first sight but neither of them acted on it right away and then lost contact with each other. After a few years, they ran into each other again and he swept her off her feet. Nine months later, I was born. My mom and dad never married, but that didn’t mean we weren’t a family.
My dad was always going away on business trips and the older I got, the more I questioned it. He didn’t like it at all and it caused many arguments between them which I can hear through the thin walls of this house. I don’t even know what he does for a job and my mama always tells me to drop it and stop instigating. Out of respect for her, I usually do, but sometimes my curiosity wins out.
The front door opens and I fly up the stairs of our little two-story house to change. I put on the white, knee length dress that clings to my curves, brush my long blond hair and apply a little mascara. I toss on a pair of black flats and head down the stairs. Before I can reach the bottom of the stairs, I can hear my parents arguing in the kitchen. I can’t hear what they’re saying but my mama is crying. I quietly tiptoe into the dining room that separates the kitchen from the rest of the house and listen.
“Andrew, why are you doing this?” My mama pleads. Her voice chokes with a sob.
“It’s time you learn your place, woman. Who I do anything with and why isn’t your concern.” My dad’s angry voice overpowers her sobs. It’s the voice he uses when he belittles me and I clench my fists at my sides wanting to punch him for speaking to my mama that way.
“Fucking another woman is my concern, Andrew.” The venom in my mama’s voice surprises me. “Is that why you won’t marry me and make us an official family? Because you’ve got another one on the side? I’m forced to live in shame and disgrace because you lied to me?”
Another family? What is my mama talking about? Has my dad been cheating on my mom? Have our whole lives been a big lie? Who is this other family? Do I have brothers or sisters I didn’t know about? Do they know about me and despise me or are they in the dark too? All these questions flit through my brain and the comfortable life I thought we had shatters around me.
A slap rings out and my mama sobs. “Go to hell, Andrew. Leave and never come back!”
I wait a moment before the heavy footsteps stomp across the hardwood floor. The front door slams shut, rattling the pictures on the wall. One falls to the floor, breaking into a million pieces, just like my life.
It’s been a couple of months since my dad walked out on my mom. She refuses to see him but she does make me go to his new apartment every other weekend. Since I’m not old enough in the state of California to choose not to go, I have no choice until I’m eighteen. Then I can cut all ties to this asshole. My father doesn’t speak about his other family and anger burns through my veins. I dread every other weekend when I have to go there. Every time it’s pure hell. I’m forced to stay in my room, not make a peep and only come down when he tells me to. Usually, it’s to make him food and eat. He even tells me I’m worthless in the kitchen and the only thing I will probably be good at is spreading my legs like my whore mother. That sends a shiver down my spine every time. After a while of listening to this, I start to believe it. Who wouldn’t when that is all you hear from a man who is supposed to protect you and love you unconditionally?
My mom has been acting strange lately, making me go to my father’s more and more. It’s like she is blind to his abuse and doesn’t want to see it. She’s so caught up in her own shame and humility that she is pushing me further and further away. She’s lost weight and has been drinking more.
One Sunday night about eight months after my mom and dad split, I had a feeling deep in my gut to go back to my mom’s house. I pull into the driveway and there is a strange car in the driveway. I climb out of my car and cautiously make my way to the front porch. There is music coming from inside but no voices. I use my key to unlock the door and step inside. The first thing that hits me is the stench. Rotting food, body odor, garbage and something metallic invade my nose making me sick.
It's so dark in here with the curtains closed, not like it used to be. I round the corner and stop dead in my tracks. My mom is lying back on the couch, her head lulled to one side, a vacant look on her unnaturally pale face. Her arms are covered with bruises and there is a needle resting in her unclenched hand. A man is face down on the living room floor, not moving.
I hurry to my mom’s side, trying to wake her up. “Mama? Mama?” I tap her face a few times with no response. I grab her hand and it’s cold to the touch. Tears form in my eyes while I try to look for a pulse, even though I have no idea what I’m looking for. Her brown eyes once full of life stare at me vacant and lifeless.
“No, no, no! This cannot be happening. Mama! Mama! Please wake up!” Tears are rolling down my cheeks and I don’t do anything to stop them. I call nine-one-one and keep trying to wake her up. “Mama! You can’t leave me. Not with him, please!”
I’m sobbing and cradling my mom’s body when the police arrive. That night I lost the one person I cared about most in the world and was forced to live with a man who made my life a living nightmare.
Nadia – Present
I sit back lost in the memories of the damage my father did to me after my mom died. There is no simple way to do this except to rip the band-aid off. Matt has his palm resting gently on my growing belly, his other arm is wrapped around my shoulder offering me comfort when I need it the most. I rest my head on his shoulder and shake the memories of that night away. Nolan is staring at me with a murderous intent in his eyes. I know it’s not aimed at me but at the low-life sperm donor.
I look Nolan in the eyes, knowing this part will probably make him lose control. “Our father’s verbal abuse turned physical. He beat me until I blacked out from the pain, all while spitting on me and blaming me for my mom’s death. He was the one at fault. He was the one to blame. He was the one who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.
“All I knew at the time was I had a brother named Nolan. Once I healed from his last beating, I took off with only a small bag and a pocket full of money to find you. I traced you all the way to Michigan and it turns out you weren’t the hidden family, I was.”
“How did you track me down?” Nolan asks confusion etched on his face.
“Well..” I trail off, wondering if I should tell them. Fuck it, no more secrets. “I learned a few things from some kids at school. Not even Matt knows about this. They taught me how to hack into certain databases. I wasn’t the best at it, but it got the job done.”
“Wait, you’re a hacker?” Matt asks shocked.
“Not as skilled as you, but yes I can hack into a few places I’m not supposed to be at. I’m not just a pretty face.” I bat my eyelashes at him and grin. Matt smiles wide and I can swear I see proudness shining in his pale blue eyes.
“Anyways, back to what I was telling you. I was devastated about the news, so I went back to L.A. without talking to you, Nolan, or telling you who I was. You had a happy life, a great racing career and the last thing I wanted to do was destroy it.”
“I wish you would have come to me. I would have protected you.” Nolan swallows hard and sadness shines in his eyes. “I would have strangled the asshole with my bare hands and enjoyed watching the life drain from his eyes. Will you ever forgive me?”
“Of course I forgive you. You’re nothing like him.” I cover Nolan’s hand with my own, our complexion matching each other. “I didn’t know that at the time though. I thought you were just like him and I was scared.” I answer, trying to ease his guilt. “I stayed under the radar when I got back to Los Angeles to keep away from the asshole and found a home with the racing circuit. I had natural ability behind the wheel and I gave that credit to you, Nolan. I watched and studied the way you raced when I was in Michigan. Being at the racetrack brought me a sense of peace. Something I didn’t want to give up.”
I turn my attention to Krimson since this is about her too. “A couple of years after I found Nolan, he came to L.A. with you. I was deep in the racing circuit and knew nothing goes on without you knowing it and it was a little intimidating, but I managed to stay away from your crew’s attention. I saw Nolan at almost every race, only he didn’t see me hiding in the shadows. Your crew was more worried about finding out who killed your parents and little brother, they didn’t notice me. Not until the last day before you guys left for a while. There was a race Rush put together and the payout was something I desperately needed so I went. I blew the gaskets off the other drivers and that’s when Rush asked me to join his crew but I had to decline. If I entered your folds, I knew Nolan would find out and I couldn’t risk it.”
“Damn it.” Nolan thumps his fists on the table making our drinks shake. His icy glare turns to Matt. “Red, did you know the beatings?”
Matt swallows hard before looking at me. His pale blue eyes are pleading with me to understand.
I cover his hand with my own. “It’s ok, Matt. You can tell us. If you didn’t run a background check on me, I’d think you were the worst hacker around, not the best on the West Coast.”
Matt nods his head. “I knew most of it, but not all. I was furious you’d let that happen to your little sister and not protect her. I jumped the gun and accused you before I heard your side of the story. I thought you were a liar and didn’t deserve to have someone so precious in your life. It’s why I went off the rails and attacked you. All I could think about was the abuse Nadia endured while you lived the high life and I lost it.”
Nolan nods his head in understanding. “Truce?” He holds out his scarred hand and Matt takes it.
“Truce.”
Matt’s phone vibrates in his cut and it makes me jump. He pulls it out and looks at the screen. “Shit. Nadia, we’ve got to go.”
“What’s wrong?” I ask, panic settling in my stomach.
“Prez wants me back at the Clubhouse. Bones was watching my programs while we were gone and something went off. He won’t say what it is but he said we need to get there A.S.A.P. Nolan and Krimson, you’re welcome to come. This might have something to do with you, too.” Matt throws money on the table and helps me stand up. A dull pain hits my lower stomach but I ignore it.
Nolan and Krimson follow us out of the restaurant and climb into Krimson’s dark grey Supra while Matt and I climb into the SUV. He peels out of the parking lot with Krimson hot on his ass. I don’t know what we’re heading into but a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders telling both Nolan and Matt my story. I hope it means I’m healing and we will get through this together.
Another dull pain vibrates through my stomach but I shrug it off, thinking it’s just gas. Not knowing any better, I don’t say a word when we pull into the Clubhouse. As I climb out of the SUV with Matt’s help, the hair on the back of my neck stands on end, like someone is watching me. I shake it off and enter the Clubhouse. All of the Royal Bastards are gathered around the common room waiting for us to arrive.
Capone stands and everyone follows suit heading into Church. Tiny is the last one in and he shuts the door with a scowl on his face. I don’t know what is going on but something tells me this won’t be good.