Eighty
I hold Nubian in my arms as he feeds from me for the first time. Sau is here to guide me, her skin pale, her hands trembling with constant shakes.
I see his life, and I feel Bambi’s death. I experience his life goals, and I miss hers. The pain of her absence is still strong, and in the ghost of the night, I wonder if I can go into the Underworld and bring her back.
A fruitless hope.
I know this, but it doesn’t stop me from imagining it.
Of bringing her home so I can raise her with our son.
But I need to focus on the present, not the past, not the missing parts of the future.
Just the present. The here and now.
Because Nubian needs me.
And so does Varius.
Besides, Dayne would kick my ass if I let his sacrifice be for nothing.
So I will be the blooming flower, like the ones Leno left behind.
I will be the cracked vase that’s given a chance to be something new. An upscale project. A fix from some hippy recyclist.
And I’ll be the strength Rudy believed I was when he traded me for that little girl.
I will be strong enough for Nubian.
My little daydream goat.
But I will never forget Bambi’s loss. Never move on from that pain. I’ll only grow accustomed to it.
And I know the craving for V will never stop. It’ll claw at me in my weaker moments. It’ll buckle my knees when I need to stand. Hit me while I’m down. Tempt me with its thorn-filled promise.
But I’ll fight it every day for the little bundle in my arms.
I’ll fight it for Varius.
And I’ll fight it for me.
My name is Micha Shadow.
And I am a fucking survivor.