Chapter 58
Martin
“Look who finally showed up.” Chris greets me with a smirk and a raised eyebrow, clearly teasing as she welcomes me into her café. “Haven’t seen you in a while.”
“It hasn’t been that long,” I say as I sit down.
“If I hadn’t called you…”
I snort. “Can I get a coffee, please?”
“Rough night?”
“The usual.”
Chris pushes a cup towards me.
“Thank you, hon.”
“So how are things going?”
“We’re not talking about it,” I say flatly.
“About what?” she asks innocently.
“Please, Chris. I’ve known you for twenty years.”
“You should know by now: you either talk, or I get nosy.”
“Can I just drink my coffee in peace and talk about Evan’s birthday?”
“Evan can wait.”
“They’re going to give you Mother of the Year.”
“Oh, come on! You’re even worse than I am!”
“True.”
“We’re two shitty parents. I don’t know how he turned out so well.”
“Pure luck,” I remark, sipping my coffee.
“His birthday is sorted. He’s going away for the weekend with his friends.”
“God help us.”
“He promised to be careful and not do anything we wouldn’t do.”
“That’s not comforting.”
“Not at all.”
“Any other celebration? Maybe with us…?”
“A dinner when he’s back. No cake, no candles.”
“Heaven forbid!”
“You should thank me. It’s more than I expected.”
“True. More and more fucking luck.”
“I think he’s doing it for them, you know?”
“Mmm?”
“James and Karen.”
Ah, Evan. So bitchy, but still big-hearted.
“I doubt he’d have done it just for us.”
“Definitely not.”
“He’s becoming a man.”
“He already is,” I say, remembering the concern in his voice during our talks, the way he looked at me anxiously, how his hands fidgeted whenever he mentioned Jamie, how afraid he was that Jamie might hurt me.
“What should I do then?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry, everything is under control. His gift, too.”
“The car.”
She shrugs.
“I just hope he doesn’t get in an accident. Or worse.”
“You could have come and picked it out with us instead of just writing a cheque.”
“Do I still have any say when it comes to my son?”
“Martin…”
“Forget it. I don’t feel like going over the same thing again and again.”
“We can talk about something else,” she says as she leaves the counter and comes to sit next to me on a stool. She takes my cup and has a few sips. “How’s the Captain?”
I shake my head, trying not to smile, but I can’t help it.
“He’s fine, I see,” she says. “Have you made any progress?”
“Maybe…”
“Is he coming to the dinner with you?”
“What?”
“Are you going to ask him?”
I hadn’t thought of that. The question catches me off guard, and I hesitate. “I don’t know,” I say, looking away.
“Afraid it might be too much?”
“Maybe.”
“God, Martin! Do I have to put you through the wringer? Talk, for fuck’s sake!”
“Is my life that interesting?”
“Of course it is! I want to know everything, especially the spicy details.”
“Forget it. None of your business.”
“Since when? You used to tell me about your dates, your hookups… Oh.”
“What?”
“I see it now.”
“What? No!”
“This is different, isn’t it?”
“Stop it.”
“He’s the one.”
“You’re fantasising, Chris. He’s just…”
Chris puts her hand on mine. I keep my eyes down, not wanting to see the sympathy I know will be there.
“I don’t know what it is between us.”
“You don’t know, or is he the one who isn’t sure?”
I shrug.
“Martin…”
“What? Are you trying to tell me I’m the usual loser?”
“Of course not.” Her hand tightens around mine. “I just don’t want you to get hurt.”
Too late, Chris. The Captain is already shattering my heart; I feel both heavy and empty. Still, I let him. Soon, only useless crumbs will remain.
“I like Jamie, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think he’s really…”
“A man capable of love?”
Chris sighs.
“I’ve always known that.”
“You still got involved, though.”
“You know me.”
“You always believe. And hope. Have you tried talking to him about it?”
I wanted to, but after last night, after the tiny glimmer he gave me, and after we said goodbye this morning with a smile and a kiss, I didn’t have the courage to bring it up.
“I don’t want to end up spending another night on your sofa; besides, I don’t think Mr Muscle would be too happy about that.”
“He might set fire to the sofa just so he wouldn’t have to see you sitting on it.”
“I can imagine that.” I get up and kiss her on the cheek. “I have to run to the hospital. I’ll see you when Evan gets back from his trip, then?”
“Just don’t disappear again in the meantime, okay?”
I smile at her and leave the café for the car park.
My steps slow as I reach my car, and my hands tremble slightly when I open the door and sit behind the wheel.
The emptiness lingers, the same feeling he left me with this morning when he wouldn’t let me drive him to his sister’s house.
Even though it’s now O’Connor’s domain, he didn’t want them to see getting out of my car or to know he’d stayed at my place.
He didn’t want them to know about us. I still don’t understand why.
I might not be his secret anymore, but the Captain still keeps plenty of his own. He clings to them. If you can’t share what’s on your mind, what worries you, what hurts you, it must mean you don’t really want to let anyone in.
The Captain keeps me out, yet I’ve let him in completely.