Chapter 68
Jamie
“Liam and Rain are a couple,” I tell him. “Rain is that guy’s sister — her brother is Aaron, the man with the long beard.”
He listens, then glances at the people I mentioned, careful not to stare.
“Aaron is with Patrick’s sister, the girl with pink hair.”
“The one who looks like a hippie?”
I laugh. “She is an artist. Her name is Ciara.”
He nods, curiosity flickering in his eyes.
“Erin’s with Patrick. Jay, the hot tattooed guy two tables down, is with Alex, the blonde behind the counter. They’re childhood friends, too.”
He brushes past the word ‘hot’, but I catch the look on his face.
“I think I’m lost.”
“They all grew up together, including Neil — Liam’s brother and Rain’s boyfriend.”
“Am I watching a soap opera with subtitles?”
“They were friends, and they were a band, until Liam, Neil, and Rain had an accident.”
“And that explains the scar.”
“You are observant, Doctor.”
He shrugs, embarrassed.
“Neil is dead. And Rain…”
“She never recovered.”
“Not completely.”
“Head injury?”
“You are really good, Doctor.”
“Stop flattering me.”
“The band broke up, Liam left, and they opened this club, Only4You.”
“Don’t tell me, please. I don’t want to burst into tears in front of you. I thought I still had a chance before you told me this story.”
“They did it for her.”
“There, I knew it. If I embarrass you now, don’t complain.”
“You can cry if you want. I’ll pretend I don’t know you."
“And Liam and Rain now…?”
“Liam was in love with her even before.”
“Oh fuck.”
“When Liam came back, she didn’t remember him. But, slowly…”
“The heart knows what the mind denies.”
I nod, my chest tightening.
“Hi, guys, what can I… Oh, but… Jamie!”
“Hi, Alex.”
“What a nice surprise. You came for the coolest band on the planet?”
We both laugh.
“Something like that.”
“And what can I get you?”
“Two pints. What do you say, Doctor?”
“Perfect.”
“Guinness, Harp, Heineken, Thirteen…”
“Harp for me,” the Doctor says.
“Same.”
“They’ll be right there.”
Alex turns and disappears into the crowd.
“And Alex?” he asks right away.
“Mmm?”
“How is she doing?”
“What the hell…?”
“Her face, her eyes… You just have to know how to listen; everything speaks.”
“She has heart disease.”
“Oh, Jesus.”
“I don’t know exactly what it is. Don’t ask me for terms and diagnoses.”
“And she’s fine…?”
“She keeps it under control.”
“And she’s with the hot guy with the tattooed arm.”
I knew he wouldn’t let that slide.
“Yes. All friends, except Erin — she joined later.”
“So they’re all one big extended family. Like the O’Connors.”
“More or less.”
“And how do you know all these things?”
“People talk when they have someone who listens.”
The Doctor nods thoughtfully. “It takes courage,” he then says. “To open up to someone.”
“And it also takes someone willing to listen. Sometimes talking doesn’t just change your life, but also the lives of those around you, and not always for the better,” I add.
“You should test people; sometimes, they’re waiting for nothing else.”
I turn to him. “Are you the patient type?”
His hand instinctively rests on mine.
“You have no idea how much.”
“Bloody hell, Jamie!” Jay brings over the beers we ordered. I get up and give him a hug.
“How’s it going, man?”
“We’re a mess, as always. Sorry, it took me twenty minutes.”
“No worries. We mostly came for the music anyway.”
“Don’t talk shit.”
“You all look good.”
“Out of control and out of our minds as usual?” Jay sits down next to the Doctor. “Hi, I’m Jay,” he says, reaching out a hand.
The Doctor swallows nervously. “Martin.”
Ah, Doctor. Do you have a thing for musicians with a pretty face and a damned soul?
Jay turns back to me. “She’s fine,” he says, suddenly serious again.
“I’m glad to hear that.”
“One day at a time, yeah?”
I smile at him.
“But what about you? I don’t really follow rugby, and even when Liam fills us in, I barely pay attention.”
I laugh. “We’re in first place. The season’s going great.”
“What the hell?” Jay stands up. “Why do I even bother with them? Patrick’s messing with the cables. I’ll go check on him. Have a good night.”
“They’re such a nice family,” the Doctor says. “Thanks for bringing me tonight.”
“It’s my pleasure, Doctor.”
And you have no idea how much it hurts.
When the band steps onto the stage, the pub goes quiet. Everyone waits, almost holding their breath, for the music to start.
“Mind if we join you?” Rain comes over with the girls. “It’s packed, and this spot has the best view.”
“I thought music was for listening,” I tease, making her blush. Then I turn to the Doctor. “Is it okay with you?”
“Of course,” he says, shifting along the small sofa to make room. Rain slides in beside him at once, with Alex next to her. I move as well, taking the seat opposite the Doctor, and Erin sits down beside me.
“Wait, I’m here too!” Ciara hurries over to our table. “Hey, Jamie, sorry I didn’t say hi earlier. I was busy getting everything ready before the show.”
“Is anyone still at the counter?” I ask.
“They know not to bother during the shows,” Ciara says. “Hi…”
“Martin.”
“First time?” she asks him.
“Yes.”
“You’ll like it, trust me.”
“Can we quiet down?” Erin calls us back. “They’re about to start.”
I turn halfway towards the stage as Aaron greets the crowd and kicks off the night. I glance at my Doctor, who’s watching the stage, then at Rain, whose big green eyes meet mine. She gives me a small smile before turning back to the band.
I keep watching the Doctor, not sure how much longer I can keep looking at him, not wanting to miss a single moment of what I have left.
Even without uttering a single word, you’re telling me in a thousand different ways, and I know.
I felt you, Doctor. My whole body felt you — every muscle, especially one.
And I believe it. I believe you.
But I’m afraid it’s not enough.
What if, after all this, I discover I’m nothing without you? What will I do then? How will I ever find the strength to stand again? How can I keep pretending once I’ve let you go?
While the Doctor listens intently to Liam’s song, I’m left alone with the relentless voices in my head.
How do I do it, Doctor? How can I tell you the truth without breaking my heart and yours, too? How can I possibly save us both from this pain?
I close my eyes because looking at him hurts too much. I try to take in the pain slowly, hoping I won’t lose control. Then someone’s fingers brush lightly against my hand, and I snap back to the present, my eyes flying open.
Her smile, her kind eyes, and now my pain has become hers too. Rain looks at me. In her eyes, I feel her urging me to do something, to take a chance. To stop hiding, to be honest with the man I love, to admit that if I let him go, I’ll have nothing left.
You did it, Doctor.
You brought us both to the end.
Aaron walks us to the door. “Don’t disappear again, okay?” he says, his tone bordering on threatening.
“I promise I’ll make it to at least one of your concerts.”
“Let me know which one, and I’ll get you a ticket…” He glances at the Doctor. “Maybe two.” He winks at me.
“Say goodbye to the others for me. And give Neil a kiss from me.”
“Will do.”
We leave the club, and right away the Doctor asks, “Neil?”
“Aaron and Ciara’s son,” I say.
“Oh…”
“I told you, they’re close friends, like a family. They’re like family. It’s a bond that doesn’t break, not even after death.”
“You’re quiet,” the Doctor says in the car. “Is something wrong?”
“Nah, I’m just driving.”
“I had a really good time.”
I nod and force a small smile.
“I like that club. The music. All of them.”
“I’m happy to hear it.”
“Thanks again.”
“Be thankful at least as much as you apologise.”
He laughs. “Sorry.”
“Are you kidding me?”
He laughs even harder. “I can’t help it, it’s part of me. I promise I’ll try not to annoy you with my stupid quirks.”
“Don’t. Stay like that.”
The Doctor falls silent, eyes fixed on the road ahead. There are no words, no neat solutions. Only this moment, and my desperate wish to hold onto it before it slips away forever.
“I would like to take you home with me.”
“To your place?” He asks immediately.
“I want you in my bed.”
I want you, Doctor.
Just once, before I have to say goodbye. I could even beg you, and I wouldn’t be ashamed.
The Doctor is thinking, searching for a reason. If I let him sit with his thoughts, he’ll figure it out soon enough.
“Do you want me to stay the night?”
“Tomorrow you work the night shift, right?”
“Yes.”
“I’m on break. There is no game this weekend. We’re both off.”
“So it seems.”
“Come to mine,” I say, almost out of breath. He’s about to say no, or maybe ask questions, and I’d rather do anything than let him go before I have to.
All I want is one more night. Before everything goes dark again. Before the light disappears.
“Is it just about having me in your bed?”
There it is, the big question. He keeps so much in, then lets it all out at once. You’re too smart, Doctor, and you know how to play the game.
No, it’s not about my bed or my place.
How can I make you see it’s always been you?
How do I tell you that you’re all I think about? How do I say that if I lose you, I lose myself too?
“No.”
I hope that’s enough, because it’s all I have to give.
“Take me home with you.”