3. Orion
Orion
Iextend the headband of my headphones and duck my head as I place the ear cups over my ears, adjusting them carefully to ensure a good seal.
The cacophony of apartment sounds is sucked into a vortex.
The hum of the fridge falls away and the clank of the AC evaporates as I’m enveloped in a lovely cocoon of silence.
It’s great. Just what I need. Peace and quiet, and some time alone to enjoy a little medicinal pornography.
I flip open my laptop and dive into incognito mode, quickly calling up my favorite site.
There was a time, a long time, when this simple action was enough to make me break out in hives.
My hands shook—literally quivered—the first time I typed the words gay porn into a search bar.
I felt so bad about it afterward that I made myself watch an hour of straight porn in an attempt to cancel it out.
I’ve stopped doing that now, thank God.
I still delete my search history with borderline religious zeal, but I think that’s normal. I don’t think anyone wants others knowing what they watch with their hands in their pants. We’re all a lot more pervy than we’d like to admit. That’s just a fact.
Technically, I’m still a total closet case, but I know who I am now, and that’s something.
It’s been really hard getting here, but I think I’ve almost accepted my queerness.
I just don’t want other people knowing about it yet.
I’m at the point now where I sometimes think about coming out, about what it will mean for me and how it will change my life.
Recently, it only scares me enough that I feel like I’m going to pass out, not like I’m going to throw up.
It doesn’t sound like much, but believe me, it’s progress.
All I need to do is get over my little blip with Jordan, and I’ll be in a much better place to think about things like coming out. It won’t be long either because, like I said, I’m almost completely over him.
Take now, for example. He’s next door, naked, and I’m not thinking about it.
He’s in his room without any clothes on.
There’s music playing, and he has his bedside lamp on.
I know that because he likes keeping the light on when he fucks.
He’s told me so many times. He says he feels things harder when the lights are on and he can see what’s happening.
I’d love to not know all that, but Jordan’s a massive oversharer.
Luckily, I also don’t get stuck on the things he overshares as much as I used to.
I know he’s in his room naked with the light on, and that’s fine. It’s warm tonight, so he probably isn’t under the covers. He’s never mentioned his covers preference, so it’s not something I know for sure. That’s just me using my power of deduction.
He’s probably sweating from the weather and from what he’s doing. Not a lot, as he hasn’t been in there all that long yet, but his skin is probably glistening a little. It’s probably warm all over.
It’s probably glowing where the light hits it.
It was hot last weekend, and we went to the beach on Sunday.
Jordan spent most of the day without a shirt on and got a lot of sun.
His cheeks and nose were burned when we got home.
There’s probably a tan line on his lower back.
A clear visual boundary that separates sun-kissed skin from the pale parts of him most people never get to see.
He’s probably holding himself up on his hands and elbows right now, his biceps engaged. His head is probably thrown back, his hair pasted to his forehead.
I bet his eyes are screwed shut and he’s biting his bottom lip.
He does that when he’s exerting himself.
He does it all the time at the gym, and he did it when we first moved in and had to build bookshelves for our rooms. He wasn’t wearing a shirt then either.
His nipples are so small and so pink, and I almost managed to convince myself he wouldn’t notice if I leaned in and bit one.
Okay.
Wait.
Whoops.
I seem to have gone off course, but it’s fine.
It’s all good. It’s me-time, and I’m horny because my dick knows I’m about to watch porn.
It’s getting ahead of itself, that’s all.
I’m going to find myself something nice and filthy to watch that has nothing to do with Jordan.
I’ll empty my balls and then be back on track.
I click on a couple of clips, but they don’t really do it for me. The first top is too built for my taste, and the second has too much ink. I can’t get into either of them, so I click into a few subcategories, but the algo is fucking with me tonight. I can’t find what I’m looking for there either.
A flare of irritation heats my face when I accidentally click out of the VPN ad blocker I’m using.
I go back in, annoyed, hitting the keys a little harder than usual.
My dick is really hard, and it’s making it difficult to think.
Frustration swims through my veins, causing me to click on five or six clips in rapid succession.
None of them open. Then they all open at once, and despite the blocker, ads start blaring all over my screen.
The fucking internet is fucked.
This is bullshit. Watching porn and jacking off shouldn’t be this hard. The entire system should be designed to accommodate people who are horny. If I were designing a porn site, that’s the first thing I’d take into account. I’d make things user-friendly, not whatever the hell this is.
I stuff my hand in my pants and hold my dick tightly in an attempt to subdue it. It doesn’t help. My hand starts tugging without permission, and I’m left frantically typing verbal blond top into the search bar with my left hand.
I click on the first video I see, no longer caring if the top is too built or too inked, and push my pants down.
I grab lube from my drawer, slather my cock with it, and start jerking in earnest. My dick swells as my heart beats faster.
The muscles in my thighs tense, but the top in the video is so fucking ridiculous I honestly can’t take it.
Why the fuck is his voice like that? And who the hell decided that a dude saying, “Yeah, baby,” over and over equates to a verbal top?
What’s wrong with these people?
This goddamn porn is worse than no porn.
I slam my laptop shut and shove it away from me.
I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to concentrate on the sensations flowing through my body. Yeah. That’s it. This is what I need. A nice, quiet, old-school jack-off session. No porn. Just me and my right hand.
A pleasant tingle travels from my balls up my shaft as my hand moves. I squeeze and tug upward, clenching my teeth as pleasure builds. My toes curl and my hips start to thrust.
And thrust.
And thrust.
My balls are so full they’re about to explode. I stroke faster and faster, but something holds me back.
Don’t do it, I tell myself. Do not fucking do it.
I ignore my own advice and yank my headphones off my head, dropping them on my chest as the sounds of the apartment burst to life around me.
The fridge hums.
The AC clanks.
In the room next to mine, mattress springs squeak and a headboard rhythmically bangs against the wall.
Thunk
Thunk
Thunk
I jerk my cock as fast as I can, stroking my balls with my free hand. A husky voice slices through all the other sounds in the apartment, canceling them out.
“Good girl,” it says.
My abs tense and shudder.
“That’s it, baby. Just like that… You look so pretty taking my cock.”
My knees lock and my back arches.
A low, hoarse sound travels through the wall and lands in my lap. A deep groan that stands out above all the other sounds coming from the room, like it’s the only thing in existence. A soft, raw moan that comes from low down in my best friend’s body.
“D’you feel full, baby? Want me to give you some more?”
I stroke my balls again and let my fingers curl around them before reaching down and tapping my hole lightly, circling it slowly. The hair on the back of my neck stands on end.
Every muscle in my body contracts as my orgasm rushes toward me. My arm shakes as I jack my cock feverishly, thrusting into my hand hard and fast.
My balls ache. My heart slams.
I’m close.
So close.
So fucking close that I’m there.
I’m there, but I don’t let go.
I can’t.
The soft sounds from next door speed up and grow urgent. I sink my finger into my ass and fuck myself on it as my vision whites out.
And still, I don’t come.
I hold on.
I wait until there’s a lull next door. A pause I know well. A moment of silence when worlds converge. When fate is decided. When there’s no going back.
I wait until a hoarse, husky voice breaks free of its constraints and calls out to me. It doesn’t say my name, but I hear it calling me all the same. My body reacts instantly. Pleasure explodes out of me, roaring out of my cock and spurting all over my chest.
I close my eyes and writhe silently, clamping my lips shut as tightly as possible to stifle the secret I’m keeping.