13. Jordan
Jordan
Orion seemed to be doing a little better after we left urgent care, but by the time we get home, I can tell he’s flagging.
He takes a shower, locking the door even though I told him to leave it unlocked in case I need to get to him.
He thinks I’m overreacting, but I’m not.
The doctor said he has a very bad case of the flu.
Doctors don’t say things like that unless they mean it.
He looks like hell when he gets out of the bathroom.
All shaky and unsteady and squirrely about letting me help him get dressed.
He slumps onto his bed, and I prop him up with some pillows so he’s sitting up.
He’s going to eat the soup I made, and that’s the end of it.
He’s barely eaten in days, and there’s no way I’m going another minute without knowing he has something good in his belly.
We don’t have a tray in the apartment, so I put the bowl of soup on a wooden chopping board and carry it to him like that, taking care not to spill it.
“Not really all that hungry,” he mumbles when he sees me.
“I know,” I say firmly, “but you’re going to eat anyway.”
He makes a face but doesn’t move away when I sit next to him.
I put a pillow on his lap, placing the board holding the bowl of soup on it.
Not owning a tray is more of an issue than I thought, so I make a mental note to buy one as soon as I find out where people buy things like that, in case Orion ever gets this sick again.
He stirs the soup lethargically and tries to bring a spoonful of it up to his mouth. His hand shakes so badly as he does it that there’s barely a drop on the spoon by the time it gets close to his lips.
I take the spoon from him, bracing for a big argument, but he’s so weak the best he can do is roll his eyes unsteadily at me.
I scoop up a spoonful, making sure I get a nice mix of chicken and veggies, and raise it to my lips.
I blow on it until I’m positive it isn’t too hot and then offer it to him.
To my relief, he takes it, swallowing it down with a soft sigh.
“’S good,” he says after the third or fourth mouthful.
“And there you were, doubting my soup-chef abilities. When you’re better, I’m going to make you pay for that.”
It rouses a halfhearted smile out of him, and as always, the sight of Orion looking happy does something to me. Something good and settling. The same feeling I get when I’ve had a long day, and I finally get home.
Getting the soup into him is slow going, and it’s a lot harder to feed him without making a mess than I thought it would be.
It’s easier if I put my hand around the back of his neck and keep him in place by fisting his hair gently.
The poor guy is super sleepy. His eyes flutter shut between mouthfuls and his head rolls back against my hand.
Orion goes to sleep straight after dinner. I clean up the apartment, do a load of laundry, and watch a little TV. Every twenty minutes or so, I look in on him. He’s out for the count. He’s sleeping so deeply that he hasn’t moved since he fell asleep, and I think that’s a good thing.
I could probably sleep in my own bed tonight, but I don’t want to.
The thing most people don’t know about me is that I need Orion a lot more than he needs me.
People who know us probably think it’s the other way around because I’m more extroverted than he is, but they’re wrong.
I know I’m important to him and that he loves me a lot, but he’s someone who’s kind of okay on their own, and I’m not.
I thought I was, but after I got to know him back in high school, I realized I hadn’t really been okay until I met him.
At least, I hadn’t been as happy as I am when I’m around him.
I used to dread the days he was absent from school, and I still hate it when he hangs out with people without me.
I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth.
We could have lived in a dorm when we got to college, but I pushed for us to get an apartment.
I told O it was because I thought he’d be happier without so many people around, but really, it was because I wanted to spend all my time with him.
Because a not-so-great part of me wanted him all to myself.
I’ve been fine up to now with him being sick because I’ve been so busy helping him, but now that everything’s quiet and I’ve run out of things to do, it’s hitting me how much I fucking hate him being sick.
I’ve always hated it when anything upsets him, but usually, there’s something I can do about it.
Now that it’s dark and the day is done, all I can think about is how un-okay I’d be if anything ever happened to Orion.
Once I’ve taken a shower and am ready for bed, I pad down the hall to check on him one last time. He’s lying on his side, curled up with his back to the door. He hasn’t moved since he fell asleep. I tiptoe around to his side of the bed and fire the thermometer at him. It lights up green.
He’s not tossing and turning like he was last night, and he doesn’t have a fever anymore, but I think I’m going to sleep with him tonight to be on the safe side.
I get into his bed as quietly as I can, trying not to depress the mattress any more than I have to, so as not to disturb him. It doesn’t work.
“You should go to your own bed, Jordan. You’re going to get sick if you sleep here.”
“Nah, I’ll be fine.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do. I got the flu shot a couple of months ago.”
His back tenses when I mention the shot and takes a while to relax.
I think that’s the end of it and he’s gone back to sleep, but he mumbles something about whether they put the needle in my arm or my butt.
It’s funny. He’s so out of it that his words are slurred and mostly inaudible.
When he asked where they put the needle, it almost sounded like he said, “Did they put it in your arm or in your beautiful butt?”
I fight the urge to giggle. “They put it in my arm, O. It was fine though. Okay? Don’t think about it now.”
“You’re brave, Jordy. Did I ever tell you that?”
My attempt not to laugh goes a bit wonky. “I’m brave because I got a shot?”
“Not only because of that. You’re brave for lots of reasons.”
Not going to lie, I kind of love this loopy version of Orion.
Orion groans softly in his sleep. It’s two or three in the morning and way too early for him to wake up.
He’s sighing and starting to stir, so I move closer to him.
Technically, what I’m doing is spooning him, but I don’t mind.
I’m cool with this kind of thing. Doesn’t bother me at all, and I’ve never really gotten why it does bother some guys.
It’s always seemed like nothing more than really dumb posturing to me.
Why wouldn’t you do whatever it takes to make your friend feel better?
Once I’m tucked up nice and tight behind him, I put my arm around his waist and tug to make sure he knows I’m here.
At first I’m worried he’s going to get squirmy and push me away, but after a few seconds, I realize the opposite is happening. He is squirming, but not to get away from me. He’s squirming to get closer to me.
Huh.
“You’re going to feel so much better tomorrow, O, you’ll see,” I whisper.
“D’you swear?”
He sounds faraway and dreamy. I’m not sure if he’s awake or talking in his sleep. If he is awake, he’s definitely not fully aware.
“Yeah, I swear.”
I scoot a little closer to him. So close that my nose is practically buried in his hair. I don’t care if it’s extra that I’m like this. He’s probably going to be back to his usual self tomorrow, and it might be years before I get an opportunity like this again.
His chest rises, faltering before it falls. “You shouldn’t touch me like this, Jordy.”
Damn. Looks like the old Orion is back already.
“How come?”
He sighs softly and doesn’t reply. Maybe he’s drifted back into a deep sleep.
I close my eyes and will sleep to take me.
“’Cause,” Orion says, startling me. His voice is still dreamy, but it’s soft and hoarse now too. “I’m gay, and it means something different to me than it does to you.”