19. Orion
Orion
Iam going out of my mind. Jordan is being so fucking weird. He’s acting like a completely different person. He’s looking at me all the time and giving me this strange little smile that doesn’t show any teeth. It just makes his lips super flat.
He’s spending hours in the apartment when he’d usually be out, and he’s refusing to go out to do any of the normal things we typically do.
We bumped into Andy and West on campus yesterday, and they invited us to join them for a slice of pizza.
Jordan said no. He didn’t give a reason.
He just flat-out said no. He walked away so fast that I had to make up an excuse and jog to catch up with him.
He’s been weird when I get back to the apartment after being at class as well. He rushes to the door to greet me, quizzing me on where I’ve been and getting right up in my face with really intense eye contact when I tell him.
I don’t know what to make of it.
I’ve been trying my best to give him the benefit of the doubt, but honestly, I’m starting to think he has an issue with me being gay. There’s no other explanation for it. This all started when I came out.
I’m so hurt I hardly know what to do with myself.
My chest aches all the time and my arms and legs feel heavy.
I’m trying not to catastrophize, but my mind has been racing, filling in the blanks in the worst ways possible.
I meant it when I said I didn’t think Jordan would mind that I was gay.
I really, really meant it. No part of me thought he was this kind of asshole.
Nothing in his previous behavior has ever made me think he’s homophobic. Nothing.
But what else can it be?
How else does someone go from moving heaven and Earth to take care of me when I had the flu to acting like someone I don’t know overnight.
I’m sick about it. I can’t stop thinking about it, and my mood has been getting lower with each passing day. The sorrow I feel is endless. A sharp sting and a deep, bruising pang. I feel rubbed raw. Exposed. Seen for who I really am and rejected by the one person I thought would never do it.
The worst thing is that I can’t see any way we’ll ever be able to come back from this. How can we go back to normal? Because if this is who Jordan really is, then our normal no longer exists.
Maybe it never did in the first place. Maybe I’ve had blinders on since I met him. Maybe I conjured the version of him I’m in love with because he’s so hot.
Fuck. That would be stupid of me.
But then again, dicks aren’t known for their intelligence.